u/jonahboi33

It's been a hell of a few days into our "syscovery", as people have called it. Both of us are talking more and attempting to be nicer, but it's brought up a lot of strong feelings on both sides.

Jonah: I wasn't the original. That is a huge shock and didn't help my already bad identity crisis I was going through. We've pieced together that due to the trauma of our childhood, always having to step in to shield our little sister with our body from our brother (autistic with violent meltdowns, it was NOT his fault and I don't blame him), and the neglect from the parents, that I had to "step in" to be the adult here. Somebody had to keep things running, and I basically raised my siblings. But me stepping in shoved a scared and confused kid out of the driver's seat and into a cage that has been there for 24 years, and I feel horrible about it now. Everything about why it was so angry made sense. I would insult me too. But I thought it was MY body and not the other way around, and I feel a lot of guilt about it.

Voidthing: I was mean. I yelled so many bad angry things at them. I threw tantrums and hurt them and did things that hurt our body on purpose. A lot of our suffering was me. Being told I wasn't actually a force of evil..... messed me up. I'm sad a lot now. I wanna believe they're sorry cuz I wanna be sorry too. I like that they trust me more and that i'm allowed out now, but I'm scared i'll be locked away again if I'm ever bad. but we coulda been getting along and happy like so many other systems this whole time? we could've been switching out and giving poor Jonah a break instead of fighting? just seems like a waste now.

I'm too excited to be fronting for the first time, so pardon the ramble.

After a ton of back and forth and chatting, I think we have started to want to cooperate more instead of constantly going at each other's throats. We don't have a collective name, don't know if we're gonna try one or not, but for now this is what we've got going on:

Jonah: main fronter, kind of a protective no-nonsense ball of anxiety that takes everything too seriously and cares too much. They are coming to terms with the fact that they weren't the original, but splintered as a result of needing to be that protector in our childhood. I do love that about them, but they are too stubborn and too stuffy and..... GROWN. bleh. They have a silly side that's really only reserved for the niece and nephew, and friends. They fronted for 24 or so years without stop, so we're letting them take a bit of a nap. they/them or xey/xem

Voidthing: That's me! Don't have a real name, but it came across that and ADORED it, so I'll be taking it. Using "I" and "me" for myself is still a weird wibbly process, I don't have control very often. I'm sort of a dark ball of slimy black ink with teeth, that likes to pretend to look like Jonah. I'm pretty angry and rash, and I lashed out a lot at Jonah for keeping me cooped up. I guess it wasn't.....REALLY their fault, but. Anyway. I tell them when things aren't fair. Beyond that, I want to figure out what real role I play beyond gnashing my teeth and yelling bad things, because we're sort of tired of being angry at each other just for existing. Maybe being out and seeing things will help me. I want to see the stars <3 shinies are so pretty. It does seem to be a good deal younger than the body, which is also weird for me to think about. it/its

I posted two days ago about seriously questioning if I was plural or not, and doing research on it and talking with the "thing" has pretty much confirmed at this point that yeah, there's something going on. I read something on another post about ways to "allow" your headmate to "front", and gave it a shot.

Bad mistake, it loved that and is now upset that it can't front more. We bicker pretty constantly, but acknowledging it has made it bolder, for lack of a better term. It's also pretty pissed about the denial and the repression, and I don't know what to tell it.

I'm not.....SCARED of it being in front, more apprehensive. Not that I'll lose myself or I'll disappear, I know my way back, but that it makes it more real. any suggestions?

Hi everyone. sorry if this is rambly, my head has been in a weird place ever since my identity crisis started, and I've started to question literally everything about myself.

I (39 nb) have spent much of the last two months in a state of flux. I HAD been very sure in my identity as a trans man, had been one for 20 years, but it's clear there were things I had been heavily ignoring and repressing until literally last month when the damn burst open and NOW I don't know what I am. But in experimenting with my identity, some nagging OTHER thoughts have come up.

I didn't know what a "system" or "plurals" were until I started trolling around various nonbinary and (especially) xenogender-related subreddits, and the thought stuck. My entire life, starting in childhood, there's been this.....THING that I talk to. It looks and sounds a lot like me, so I just figured I was very imaginatively talking to myself. We have full conversations with each other throughout the day, I sort of chalked it up to being the negative side of my personality or something, or intrusive negative self-speak that I needed to work out of. There's been several times over the years where I'll call myself "we" or "our" just as a silly, calling the "royal we" because I wanna be quirky or something, but I do that even when it's just me alone. "we need to do this" or "we're such an idiot for this" and so on. This creature thing felt enough like an aspect of my own personality that I never thought anything about it, but it's strongest when I'm looking in the mirror. It feels the most like it's just another there as another me, talking on its own without my controlling it, and we'll argue that way.

All this culminated in this weird rush of joy upon discovering the term "voidthing". It LOVES that. It loves that a lot and suddenly feels a lot stronger. We had a conversation about it in the mirror yesterday, deciding on who wanted what pronouns, and it sort of just.....hit me. People don't really do this. They don't talk to themselves like this.

maybe I've truly lost it.

ever since discovering the concept of "gendervoid", I've been feeling more gender euphoria than I have in a long time. there just IS no gender to be found, I can't find mine, it wandered off. It feels like instead of a gender, I have this dark nebula of..... BLANK. It's really invigorating and freeing in a weird way. I'm especially loving the term "voidboy" to describe me, to deal with my lingering attachments to the male identity I built up for so long.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I got a rush of euphoria thinking about using pronouns that signify my lack or void of gender, and am LOVING how xey/xem is feeling. could you try those out on me, or give me suggestions for other pronouns?

exactly as it says on the tin. I want to understand this world, and maybe tentatively try one myself. What was it about your pronouns that resonated?

Can someone explain what "stargender" feels like or what it is? a recent post on r/NonBinary got my brain whirring. I've always felt "outside" of the human experience, calling myself an indigo child and star seed when I was a kid and being deeply drawn to the cosmos, but I didn't figure there was an identity for that. I'm in the middle of a larger identity crisis where I discovered I'm agender, and this feels like a natural progression of that?

I don't know. I feel like I'm too old to be considering stuff like this.

So this just happened, and I'm just laughing and shaking my head about it cuz of COURSE this is how she would find out.

I (39) have been out as a trans man for close to two decades now. It's how she knows me, she was the first I came out to, she's been my biggest supporter. Love that woman. It's not like I was WORRIED to talk to her about how weird my head's been for the last week and a half, but it hadn't come up. I hadn't even really said the words "I am nonbinary" to myself officially yet.

But we do this thing where we rag on stupid men. Just a joke between us (guess I know why I took zero offense to it now). And it once again came up, we joked about how dumb the male gaze is. And instead of going "ha ha yeah what have we men done for you lately" like I usually did, i tried out "what have THEY done for us lately".

She clocked my shit IMMEDIATELY and went "so is this you officially coming out as enby, referring to men as they?".

20+ years. I should know better than to hide shit from her, lol.

I have no idea where my head is at, just let me ramble for a bit.

When I initially came out, I came out as trans man. This was 2004-2005, so knowledge about the LGBTQIA+ experience (for me) was limited. And you know, from about 17 to like JUST NOW, that felt alright. I was fine with being male and presenting male, and he/him STILL feels alright. But there's always this weird asterisk next to my gender? if that makes sense? I didn't have any words for it, and coming out the first time was so traumatic that it made me dig my heels in and really attach myself to being "MALE". I fought so hard to be seen as valid that way, that's....all I could be. I guess.

I didn't even know what nonbinary was until my mid-20s, and by then I was deep in this and it wasn't even something to entertain for myself. I had my pronouns, I fought for those pronouns, why consider anything else? But I just went back through over a decade of my posting history, and I've been talking about nonbinary things and cheering it on and feeling a connection this entire time and that's..... I don't know. That's tripping me up. Why is it almost scary to even THINK about it for myself?

God I've even had a joke for years now, "is it too late to be nonbinary?". I've said THAT more times than I can count, and thought nothing of it. Why now? I'm too old for this.

Hi everyone. So I just barely turned 39, and for the majority of my life (since I was 17), I've identified pretty strongly with "trans man". I've had hrt to some extent, i've had top surgery, for all intents and purposes i've lived my life as a man and that's been.....fine, i guess.

But something happened recently that's made me sort of sit back and REALLY look at how I actually engage with gender and..... I don't know anymore. It could just be that it's been a hellish few years and the stress is getting to me. it could be the years of "is it too late to be nonbinary lol" jokes I've made, or my weird nebulous relationship with what "man" means anyway. I haven't had to have this conversation with myself in over two decades, I feel like I am WAY too old to be doing any of this again.

I never wanted the other surgery. I've never felt the need to have ANYTHING, to be honest. I've always sort of joked that I'm more of a formless blob than anything, but how much of a joke was any of that?