I just feel like I'm flopping between being both feminine and masculine, then I feel like neither. Is that normal? Or is it just me not knowing how I feel.
I kind of venting but basically I feel misunderstood being read as a “man” but I’ve never been read as anything else. However I don’t feel like a woman. I only present as a “man” cause it’s raiser easier. Besides that gender always feels something I’m not good at. I guess I just wish I made sense to people.
I'm 31 AMAB. For the longest time, I've struggled with gender identity and my relationship to masculinity and femininity. I grew up in a really toxic space where my father would call every single one of my interests "gay." As a result, I just grew up being really insecure about opening up about my interests - there's this constant fear of being judged, which has made me closed off.
Growing up, I have not vibed with men at all. Straight, gay, anything....I feel like I'm constantly masking. There's discomfort. I think a lot of it is internalized toxic masculinity, which I'm sure is part of it, but for the longest time I thought that was the entirety of it. My consensus was always: I hate men because of my toxic relationship with my father and because I'm a man, I'm self-loathing and feel out of place. I also don't know if it matters or not, but I'm not sexually attracted to men of any kind. I am attracted to all women, femme presenting non binary people, etc. I'm attracted to femininity, but don't know what to call it?
But as time has gone on, I've reflected on masculinity as a concept and have come to realize I also don't identify with any of it. I don't have a desire to appear masculine. I don't really have any traits or qualities that make me especially masculine one way or the other. I don't see men on tv or on radio or on podcasts that I see myself in. My girlfriend has always told me that she never considered me to be hyper-masculine or anything, and she always thought of me as just myself. I toyed around with a he/they pronoun on a Zoom call once and felt elated. Had no idea what it meant, but I felt so much lighter. She was actually overjoyed when I came out, as she recently came out to me as a queer person and I guess she kind of prefers me as NB than a man. Or at least she's excited for me.
That's kind of where I began exploring all of this. I know labels aren't for everyone and you shouldn't rush into something, but categorization of any type helps me. I just feel sort of invalid still. Like maybe I am just a man who finds it easy to shed the toxic masculinity and express themselves more fully by not identifying as a man. But as I've separated from he/him into he/they, I've found myself having a hard time being referred to in a masculine context. My mom will sometimes email me and my brother with "hello men" and I kind of curl up. Some of my girlfriend's friends refer to me as the boyfriend or come to me to get a "man's" opinion on something and this new discomfort with gendered terms is kind of accelerating. I don't know if that makes any sense. Even typing how I'm a "man" here really, really isn't sitting right and I don't know why.
Meanwhile, I'm pretty masc presenting. I have a beard, anyone who saw me on the street and had to assume my gender, all answers would be that I'm a man. I don't really desire to be overtly feminine either. I'm actually very excited to maybe teeter on the line a bit between masculine and feminine, but I don't want to go overboard. When I came out to my partner, she was supportive, but did ask if this was more of a transgender thing where I want to wear more feminine clothes like dresses, and I just don't. I don't really want to paint my nails or present entirely differently. I honestly mostly wear athleisure anyways. I'd be so open to some cute stuff like some new types of joggers or sandals that are slightly more feminine, but IDK, I'm mostly okay as myself. I've bought a few small things like a "men's" hat with some flowers on it and a hoodie with a cute small pink mascot on it, but that's been about it.
And then once again, I feel invalid. I feel invalid because I truly don't know if I'm non-binary (feels good to say) vs a man running from that identity to more comfortably explore femininity / androgyny. And because I don't present really in another way, am I queer enough or whatever to fit into queer spaces. I just see accounts on IG or YouTube for non-binary folks and, I don't totally feel like I fit in or belong with them either. I hope none of this comes across poorly or if I've said anything insensitive, I just am really struggling to feel valid as a non-binary person because how I present is still kind of the same and I am aware that I concurrently have some stuff to unpack from my childhood.
This was more of a rant, I guess I'm just wondering if any of this is relatable or normal for someone just unpacking a lot of this. I don't want to use being non-binary as a way to feel safer expressing myself because I feel less safe as a "man" or whatever. And I don't feel like I should go to queer spaces or....I don't know. I'm upset today and struggling with words and emotions.
Also unrelated, but if there are very small things I can do to maybe teeter a little more androgynous / feminine, I'm super open to it, I just have felt most of the advise is to start make up or paint your nails, and that just doesn't resonate either.
Ever since I changed my pronouns to they/them I feel happy looking at it. But it still feels kind of weird to see. It's like that is me but it also feels kind of weird, a good weird though.
Hi giuryls (pun intented) I'm in a bit of a pinch here
I'm tired of reddit, I need to talk to other humans yet I only get responses from trolls... When I post on an engineer sub: "wrong sub" ; when I post on neurodiverse: "wrong sub" ; I'm pretty sure it's about how I talk about my situation yet I also know I can't fit anywhere "fully"
I'm NB (amab) so queer, mixed raced (so no white nor black passing), AuDHD (not just autistic nor just ADHD) and fucking precarious...
I'm tired of searching for answers where people tell me to "stop using my identity as an excuse", "question myself first", "stop victimizing myself"... It's a system and I may live in a developed country (colonizer really) I am at a few discrimination crossroads that makes it kinda hard to find any solution.
I had to go no contact with my family because of narcissistic behavior of both my parents (my siblings not really doing better) so here's another resource thrown out the window...
Lots of solutions for AuDHD is accommodation when you're diagnosed (I'm not) but it requires money and I've been unemployed for two years... Lots of solutions when you're poor is work, get exploited and earn the right to survive, I can't because of my disabilities and dysphoria... Most common solutions when one doesn't fit in the white supremacist system is to bond with other racialized minorities but it's not really fitting since I'm too white for that most of the times and those groups tend to not really comprehend my queerness or neuroatypical brain (not all groups are like that, I only mean that it's what I found)
I believe this will be my last attempt at sharing my story on Reddit, I'm too tired for this to go on forever
There are so many scary posts about coming out. I was terrified to do it. But I just came out to my super conservative parents, and it went amazing! We had a straightforward, mature discussion about acceptance and how they’re proud of me in general and for having the courage to tell them. They’re certainly misinformed and hold some transphobic beliefs, but they were open and respectful!
Just wanted to share for those who need it. The people who love you love you for who you are, and they see past the labels! Best of luck, my fellow (wait, no, formerly fellow) closeted friends!
Is there anything you do to make yourself feel better that actually works?
I'm especially interested in hearing from people in countries where being NB isn't well known or most people see it as a mental illness
So I've been thinking about it for a while and I'm attached to the name Cassian, yes from ANDOR, I feel like if you detached it from the character it is a fairly neutral name, maybe masculine leaning. And in the context of the show I like it as I can relate to the character slowly finding himself etc etc.
Looking into the entomology of it, Cassian has some Irish roots like me and compliments my last name.
I want to know people's thoughts on this, is it too masculine? Is it too rooted in pop culture now?
It's a weird feeling, but i've noticed a thing. Maybe it has to do with my depression/other mental stuff and disability, but also related to gender. Prog metal is known for its complex structure, poly lrhythms, long intros/instrumental parts. I'd say one song is a whole journey.
I listen to Haken, The Ocean Collective, Tool...I think the lyrics are mostly philosophical and I love that. It's complex, multi-layered, I always listen to it when im having doubts related to my identity. To me, being nonbinary agender is beautiful, so I get lost in the song, I imagine myself as a concept sort of, as I mentioned a journey, something that is metaphysical. I wonder if anyone feels a similar way regarding music.
Edit: i was listening to Pelagial by the Ocean Collective and it's really, really beautiful. For anyone who wonders,
[The pelagic zone consists of the water column of the open ocean and can be further divided into regions by depth. The word pelagic is derived from Ancient Greek πέλαγος (pélagos) 'open sea'. The pelagic zone can be thought of as an imaginary cylinder or water column between the surface of the sea and the bottom.]
And,
[The oceanic zone is typically defined as the area of the ocean lying beyond the continental shelf (e.g. the neritic zone), but operationally is often referred to as beginning where the water depths drop to below 200 metres (660 ft), seaward from the coast into the open ocean with its pelagic zone.]
It's about traveling to the depth of ocean. As I said, gebder is a complex journey for me with challenges and resistance, beautiful as the ocean layers.
Back when I was a young kid I felt comfortabke identifying as a cis male. But nowadays I feel differently. I heard that you're supposed to know this stuff when you were still a kid but I just don't know anymore.
I've been exploring my identity again recently and at this point I have no idea what to expect lol.
I'm transfemme, and most comfortable in a feminine body (I've been on HRT for 9 Years now). My brain functions best on estrogen. Which is why I find it incredibly weird that I like being called a boy by my girlfriend sometimes, and prefer being called her 'partner' with they/she pronouns by her.
I've had to find a happy medium between feminine and masculine clothing styles, because my preferences tend to swap between the two on a weekly basis.
I'm not really stressing over this, but it would be nice if my brain could at least stay somewhat consistent.
I'm a trans man, and I'm trying to genuinely understand the concept of being nonbinary. I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's identity, but there are parts of the concept that I honestly don't understand, and I'd really appreciate hearing from nonbinary people themselves about how you experience it.
My understanding of being trans is pretty closely connected to gender dysphoria. I'm uncomfortable with being physically female and being perceived as female, and I feel more comfortable with a male body and being perceived as a man. Because of that, “being a man” makes sense to me even though I don't think being a man means liking masculine things, wearing masculine clothes, having a stereotypically masculine personality, etc.
What I'm struggling with is what people mean when they say they “feel like a man,” “feel like a woman,” or “don't feel like either.”
If we remove gender stereotypes, what is that feeling actually referring to?
For example, I don't think a woman becomes less of a woman because she doesn't like dresses, makeup, traditionally feminine hobbies, etc. Likewise, a man doesn't become less of a man because he likes feminine clothes or has a feminine personality. So when I hear an AFAB nonbinary person say something like “I don't feel connected to femininity,” “I don't like doing girl things,” or “I don't feel comfortable in feminine clothes,” I don't really understand how that relates to gender identity rather than gender expression.
To me, clothes and hobbies don't have an actual gender. So if someone says they are nonbinary because they don't relate to masculine or feminine things, doesn't that unintentionally reinforce the idea that those things are inherently associated with men and women?
I understand that someone could instead mean, “Even if men and women could dress and behave in literally any way, I still wouldn't identify as exclusively a man or a woman.” That makes more sense to me, but then I still have trouble understanding what the underlying feeling actually is.
If gender identity is completely separate from sex, gender roles, masculinity/femininity, and gender expression, what does “feeling male” or “feeling female” actually mean? Is there an internal experience that you can describe without using stereotypes or physical sex characteristics?
This also leads into my confusion about gender dysphoria.
I understand that a cis woman can have a flat chest and still be completely comfortable being a woman, and a cis man can have little facial hair or a feminine body and still be completely comfortable being a man. So obviously being uncomfortable with a particular body characteristic by itself doesn't determine someone's gender.
What I don't understand is how someone can experience gender dysphoria while being nonbinary. If dysphoria is distress caused by an incongruence between someone's gender and their sex, what exactly is the desired direction of that incongruence if someone doesn't identify as male or female? There isn't a biological “nonbinary sex,” so what does dysphoria mean in that situation?
For example, if an AFAB nonbinary person wants top surgery, I understand wanting to have a flatter chest. But how is that necessarily different from a trans man getting top surgery? Is the difference the person's underlying identity, and if so, what exactly is that identity based on?
Similarly, if someone doesn't experience physical or social dysphoria and is comfortable being perceived as their assigned sex, but still identifies as nonbinary, I'm confused about what makes that person nonbinary rather than simply someone who doesn't conform to traditional gender roles.
I also wonder about the possibility of people confusing social discomfort with gender identity. For example, an AFAB person might feel uncomfortable around girls, not relate to stereotypically feminine interests, dislike being expected to behave femininely, or simply feel socially out of place. Could someone interpret that as “I'm not a woman” when the actual issue is that they are a gender-nonconforming woman?
And could some people identify as nonbinary because they want to feel different or because the identity gives them an explanation for feeling socially out of place? I don't mean that I think every nonbinary person is doing this. I'm asking whether you think it's possible for someone to genuinely misinterpret their feelings this way.
I realize people can genuinely experience something even if we don't have a perfect scientific explanation for it, and I'm not saying that “I don't understand it” automatically means “it isn't real.” People can also genuinely experience something and later realize they interpreted that experience incorrectly.
So I guess my main question is:
If you are nonbinary, what does being nonbinary actually feel like to you when you take away stereotypes, clothing, hobbies, personality, masculinity/femininity, and social expectations?
And if you experience gender dysphoria, what specifically causes the dysphoria, and how do you understand what your body should be like when you don't identify as male or female?
I'm genuinely interested in hearing personal experiences rather than just definitions. I'd especially appreciate people explaining what their experience is like in their own words, because I'm trying to understand something that doesn't come naturally to me.
This is like... a positive vent post, I guess? I've been out as nonbinary for a while, but have gone back-and-forth on if HRT is right for me. With the help of a new therapist, I finally have the courage to pursue it! I'm planning on trying low dose T with a DHT blocker. Hoping this combo gives me the physical changes I'm seeking while mitigating some less desirable effects. I'm meeting with my PCP next week and the appointment can't come soon enough!
For the most part I know what to expect, but I'd love to hear advice or encouragement others have to share as I prepare to enter puberty #2!
I met someone recently who doesn't like being refered to by you or your (For example, I accidentally said thank you but they didn't like that cuz it has you in it) but I don't know how to not use you/your if I'm talking to that person 🥲
I've been questioning this for a long time now. I've read a little about the NB community and do feel some connection to it.
For some context, I'm an ftm who began a medical transition at 21. Since I was around 25, I've heavily questioned my identity. I stopped feeling like a man some time around the age of 24, if that makes sense. I don't feel that I fall into either male or female roles. Rather, I genuinely think that I'm more along the lines of genderfluid, yet don't really know what that means or how to express it. I wasn't allowed to question or explore my identity as a teen and was made to live a very specific way - I don't fear female presentation as I once did but I don't perceive myself as female. It's given me somewhat of a lifelong fear of appearing androgynous or non-conforming to any gender.
Genuinely, how do you figure this out? How can you feel comfortable presenting yourself in a non-conforming way, publicly? I feel confined to this male role, for as little comfort as it brings me. If you are non-binary, what does being non binary mean to you? And how did you figure it out / come to terms with it, if you already have?
I used to identify as non-binary. To me that meant that I did not have a gender. I’ve been feeling recently that that label does not fit me. I do feel quite a bit of disconnect from femininity and I do not use my given name. However, I do like to present femme and I do not feel like the term non-binary fits me any longer. When my family asked me why I don’t use my given name and why I say I’m not a girl, I simply tell them that it’s complicated and that I don’t feel like talking about it. After finding the term, Demi girl I do feel like it fits me, but I’m still trying to understand it and see if it fits me. Thank you for reading my comment if you have any advice or comments anything, just let me know thank you.
I always hear people say "I don't want to do that it feels too girly", or "I'd look like a boy doing that" I don't get it I don't do things because I don't like them not because they're boyish or girly could somebody explain this please.
hi i’m just gonna preface this with i’m not good with grammar or punctuation so yeah but to get into it im really nervous about making my partner comfortable. they came out as nonbinary a couple of years before we met and their assigned gender at birth was female. they mostly present feminine but some days present masculine (id say twice every month) and i couldn’t be more proud of them. it takes a lot of courage to be open about what makes you comfortable in your own skin but out of everyone im sure you guys know this. we really do like eachother and i assume this will continue to be the case but we’ve had a recent discussion that made me upset. they had asked me randomly if i was just humoring the fact that they were nonbinary because i like them (for a little bit of context i am a cis straight male) i had asked them to elaborate in hopes of resolving any worries or concerns they had but what they explained to me upset me as i really don’t want to make them feel like im not accepting or comfortable with who they are. they had told me that i dont just stop being straight as they knew i only dated girls before our relationship and that to reiterate i dont just stop being straight. they are worried that i just see them as a girl with extra steps. i dont but i dont know how to eloquently express how i feel about them. i am attracted to their feminine traits but i am also attracted to when they present masculine. in the end of the day i really like this person and i want to make sure that they can be who they are in this relationship and i dont want them to feel like im humoring their gender identity. again sorry for the terrible grammar and punctuation and any help would be appreciated
Hello, I’m not experienced with making Reddit posts, so I apologize for any issues with the formatting! I’ve been having some confusing feelings regarding my gender, and I don’t have any friends in the LGBTQ+ community that I’m close enough with to confide in about this, so I thought I might ask here.
I’m 30 years old, AMAB, and for the past two weeks I’ve been identifying privately as non-binary. The only people I’ve told about it are my wife and my mother, both of whom know I’ve struggled with gender identity pretty much my whole life, and know that I’m still trying to figure all of this out.
I’ve never had any problems with being a man really, it’s more that I’ve always felt connected to the thought of being a woman as well. So rather than not feeling like either gender, I feel like both at the same time? I like being called pretty, beautiful, or being perceived as feminine. But I also like being called handsome, or when my wife calls me “her man”.
I’ve had these thoughts crop up several times in my life, but always kind of buried them because I convinced myself that I was born a male, and so that was what I had to be. Nowadays I had thoughts that maybe I should just accept it, and even if I’m not “out”, at least I could make peace with myself knowing who I was.
The problem, I would say, lies with the fact that I’m still not 100% sure how I feel! For the past year or so I’ve been painting my toenails, as a way to express my femininity without being obvious out in public. I’ve lately been experimenting with make up when I’m at home as well. I’d like to graduate maybe to painting my fingernails, and getting a cute earring or something, to present femininity without it being too clear to outsiders what it is I’m doing. I’ve also been growing my hair out, so I can style it into different kinds of ponytails.
The thing is, I also keep a short beard, and I mostly dress like a “traditional” male as well. Rather than wanting to be androgynous or anything like that, I feel like I want to display traits of both male and female styles without exactly screaming to the world that I’m non-binary, because I live in an area where it isn’t safe to do that.
But that creates doubt in me, where I’m not sure if I’m really a woman as well as a man, or just want to be an effeminate man. That’s where most of the confusion comes in. So what I’m wanting to ask is, has anyone had experiences like this, and how did you finally realize how it was you really felt, and who it really was that you are?
I’m sorry if this ended up being too long, and thank you to anyone who took the time to read it!
Hey, I’m a female presenting person who has kept this part of me a secret my entire life. I’ve mostly been okay just dressing less gendered, not really talking about it. But I cannot get the thought of ftm bottom surgery out of my head and I don’t know what to do. I’m an adult, but I dont know any gender questioning people in my real life, I have a good job and fit in and feel so at odds with myself and my place in the world that i dont know how to stop it anymore it feels like I need to shout it out :(