Rhetorical strategies for helping cis people differentiate gender and gender roles?
Hi folks. I’m non-binary, and I’ve recently had a conversation with my parents about my gender. My parents are supportive and curious about my identity and have been asking some good questions, mostly about the difference between gender and gender roles. For instance, I’m AFAB, and mom especially is having a hard time understanding the difference between being a masculine woman and a non-binary person. She grew up in a culture with a lot of gendered expectations that she defied, and so I think she can understand parts of my experience (ie feeling constricted by gender roles), but I’m having a hard time explaining how not fitting gender roles and the associated distress about ill-fitting expectations is different than having gender dysphoria. If I had to condense her confusion into a single question, it would be “If gender is a social construct, how is it different than gender roles?“
I’m finding that I have a hard time putting it into words myself. There IS a difference, and it’s the felt sense of gender. But that’s hard to express to cis people — I think a lot of cis people don’t feel their gender often (or at least don’t notice it), because it matches with their sex and often with social expectations. It doesn’t cause friction, so they just … don’t think about it. Thus, it’s hard for them to grasp.
I want to note that my parents are very willing to use the language that I feel most comfortable with, and they are open to my experiences. (I’m very lucky, I know!). So this isn’t a ”justify why we need to use different name/pronouns/words” conversation. They get that they need to respect it, even if they don’t understand it. But since they love me, they WANT to understand my internal experience, and I’m having a hard time explaining it.
I’m wondering if anyone has any metaphors, frameworks, examples, or strategies of explaining the felt sense of gender, which is subtly distinct from society’s gender roles? Have any of you had success explaining gender to cis people, who don’t experience the friction between identity and body and perception that makes gender obvious to us?
Tl;dr. I’m having trouble explaining the distinction between gender and gender roles to my (supportive) cis parents, who are curious about my internal experience. Looking for metaphors, examples, or other rhetorical strategies that can help them get it.