Am i genderfluid/non-binary or is it internalised misogyny? Am i a woman or is it internalised transphobia?
(TW: this post includes a lot of internalised queerphobia. for context, i was raised in a devoutly religious household that believed in God-given gender roles, especially in marriage (men being the protectors & providers and women being the submissive helpers), and implanted strictly homophobic & transphobic beliefs in me ever since i've heard the word "gay". my background wasn't mentioned in the actual text, but i'm sure those old beliefs will shine through somehow.)
(i think my problem is mostly internalised transphobia, but i need to be affirmed of it because if i keep it to myself, i think i'm just gonna go insane. this rant is absurd enough already.)
i identify as non-binary (as an umbrella term) & genderfluid, and i am AFAB. as of writing this, i am in a non-binary gender.
Am i genderfluid, or is it internalised misogyny 🥹🥹🥹
Am i a woman or is it internalised transphobia 🥹🥹🥹
hmmm decisions decisions
I like femininity. I've always liked femininity, and that's something I've never denied, but the thing is, do i want to be feminine in a way a woman is? i don't think so, but how could i know for sure? i think that i like femininity as a shallow, general concept mixed in with a shit ton, landfill amount of androgyny...but maybe i'm lying to myself and i just like femininity in the same way a woman is, and i don't want to identify with it because i just hate women, apparently.
i've always disliked the concept of masculinity on myself. i've always found it gross and disgusting and ugly. as a young kid, i found "man" as a gender gross, disgusting, and ugly (at least to some extent), until i realised they could be feminine. and I realised that i could be a feminine man. or that i could mix femininity with masculinity in a certain way to create a version of androgyny that i really enjoy. but do i want all these things, or do i just want to be a woman? i feel like simply being confined to “woman” is so limiting and dull, but do i really think that way in a nonbinary sense or in a “women are lesser than” sense? i mean, i think that i feel the same way for being a man as well, as in, being confined to being a man would also be limiting, dull, restricting, and boring. probably more so since being a Man in people’s eyes includes all these overly masculine traits and appearances that i've never liked -- buff muscle guy, beard, i don't know. but i don't think that i've ever felt this way about rejecting femininity until i discovered the internet or the existence of multi-genders/non-binary genders, so am i being brainwashed by the "woke internet transgender agenda" and overcomplicating things for myself and making up my dysphoria to feel cool, special, trendy, and unique? i don't know. i don't think so, and i don't want to, but i don't know if i can trust what i say about this. would i be lying and tricking myself, or would i just be plain wrong? i think it would be much simpler and fitting for me to just be a girl, so why am i so resistant to that? why can't i just accept what i am for what it is? i like being feminine, i like pretty things, i like being expressive, i like all these girly things, so why cant i just shut up and enjoy being a girl? i know being a woman isn't just being girly. i personally don't care about societal roles or how i'm supposed to act in accordance with them (even if i do often end up acting in line with stereotypical "girl roles"), and i try my best to detach my views of women from gender roles, too. I believe women can be masculine, strong, assertive, ugly, and gross, and they are still women. I don't believe that women are inherently submissive, emotional, weak housewives who exist for men’s pleasure and convenience. i believe in women’s rights, significance, humanity, and independence, so why wont i just accept that i am one? But being a woman is still being a gender. Being a woman still means being a woman, and i for some reason just don't want to be one. i could tick off every box that requires someone to be a woman, but i just feel so resistant to it. Why? does that make me bad? Do i secretly, subconsciously believe women are gross and inferior? why don't i want to be a woman? i like being feminine, i like dressing up, i like skirts, i like ruffles and lace, and i like all those pretty girly ethereal princessy things,, i like all those stereotypical things associated with being a woman, so why do i hate the thought of ALWAYS being one so much? why does it feel so limiting and constraining and dull? am i choosing to be genderfluid? am i choosing to be queer and transgender? i've never felt dysphoria before hearing about it. as a kid, i used to be proud to be a woman, to be a girl. why had that changed? maybe it could be attributed to my gender inherently being fluid (as per the label "gender fluid"), but would that be true? the closest thing to “dysphoria” i felt during my childhood was a weird, subtle sense that something about my name wasn't right, and that something about my little self-insert personas that i drew never stuck, but how can i say that's dysphoria when the same feeling still remains? am i secretly content with being a woman and have made up dysphoria because ive hung around in “misleading” queer spaces so much that ive become “indoctrinated” and convinced im one of them? i know for sure if i was born a man, there’s a good chance i would be a transgender woman, but why am i not a woman when i was born one? do i wanna rebel that badly? do i wanna feel special so bad? do i have some unknown internal belief that women are always supposed to be feminine and soft, and i feel limited by that (probably not, seeing that i enjoy the concept of soft femininity...)? i could be everything a woman is, but i don't wanna be. Why? am i bad for it? am i faking being non-binary? am i faking being gender-fluid? do i need to detransition right now? will i detransition in the future? i don't want to detransition, but i'm afraid that i will. i don't want to be a fraud, but i'm afraid that i might be.
i also think i've recently been growing resentful and bitter toward the concept of men and women because of how i feel so diluted and restricted in either one. i think i'm growing resentful to gender in general. i hate when i see snippets of people online, and all i can gauge from them isn’t the intricacies of themselves and the lovely human they are, but the veil that is gender this tight, sticky, gross, skin-ripping suit-costume of gender presentation. i fucking despise it because it just makes me feel dysphoric, and therefore, disgusted. i really hope that won't ever translate into me hating other people, or even worse, becoming a misogynistic, sexist, transphobic incel... think i just to be secure in my own gender, honestly…
am I ALlowed to have a Gender🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😁😁😁😁😁🤤
(it also might be worthwhile to mention that i eventually want to become more androgynous)
tl;dr: If i like feminine girly things but i don’t want to be seen as a girl, does that mean i hate women and believe they are inferior (general) 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 what a logical thought process we got here am i right, keyboard warriors of reddit (/j on that last line)