r/AdultSelfHarm

I'm 25f and I'm 6 months clean. I've never gotten rid of the things I use to self harm. Maybe getting rid of it would help with my recovery but I don't know if I could bring myself to do it. I kind of like having it around. In a weird way I find it comforting. Like just the thought of it being there in case I need it is comforting. Even if I'm actively trying not to self harm. I know that getting rid of it would make it harder for me relapse when I have urges but I don't think I can do it.

Two weeks ago I brought my blades to my therapist. I really want to quit self harming.

Today was a bad day. Several reasons. None are important. But I really want to cut. I went to the store and stood with my favourite pack of blades in my hand and I put them back and walked away

To be honest. I wish I had bought them. The urge to cut hasn’t gone away and now I don’t have anything to do it with.

I just made an appointment to get a wound looked at because it didnt stop bleeding at all, the wound is deep dermis and begin hypodermis and it hurts like a bitch. Will they glue this or do they also stitch dermis wounds? My appointment is in an hour and I like to be prepared of things that may happen.

Edit: I went to the appointment even though I was contemplating to call and say I wasn't coming, she stitched me up and it's all good now.

This was so scary to do. So first of all, I am proud of me for doing it.

Today, my therapist told me that people who have experienced complex trauma for so long, like me, get addicted to the stress and pain almost like someone who is using drugs. He told me that it makes sense why I do not understand why I do it, and why I do it when the world feels calm.

He told me that it's the chemicals in my brain. And he told me it's not my fault. He said "it's not your fault."

It feels really comforting, but not real.

I guess I just want to know your thoughts on this? Is that a real thing?

It’s pretty common where when I get home after a fun social outing around friends I feel like cutting when I get back home. I’m having a hard time processing the feeling and why it’s happening, I’m not even feeling necessarily sad or upset. Does this happen to others?

I tend to get really strong urges when I'm changing my bandages, especially when things are healing quickly or don't bleed much. I think I often end up feeling like I didn't do "enough", which makes me want to do more. I'm trying to avoid it becoming a cycle but am having a hard time identifying ways to address/work with this specific trigger because I can't just not change my bandages. Distraction doesn't work super well, and it's about the visible damage, not pain, so rubber bands/ice/etc also isn't super helpful.

Has anyone else run into this? Any ideas on coping mechanisms?

I can't describe what weapons but sometimes I think I want one, I don't always want to die, and when I do it's not because I want to buy want to be in control of my death and have some times at random where I wonder if I'll deserve it.

I also wanted a weapon for separate reasons like to protect myself from abusers, bigots, dangerous people. I don't want to hurt people but wish I was strong and safe. Which is a more common reason.

This was why I did small self harm in the first place, I may show this vent to people who wantes me to vent with them, there is no need to worry, I can't get a weapon and if I did maybe I won't do anything because I have a 500 hour streak, and i don't like hurting people.

I also want some insight from anyone that has any.

I sometimes wish people would let me have a weapon but at the same time know that won't help, and even if no one gets hurt and I just hold it (well I would like to hold it.)

Am I creepy? Sorry.

I just got a job and the uniform is short sleeved. Im nervous to wear it in front of them because of my scars. I think theyre not noticeable but my sister tells me that they're really obvious. I havent selfharmed in a while so there's nothing fresh

I was thinking of getting a black long-sleeved undershirt to wear but im worried they'll get upset at me for changing the uniform

I just wanted to talk about how nervous I am :')

Hi. Im not sure if this belongs here. Im 19F, going to be twenty in a few months, and I self harmed tonight for the first time in my life with a sharp object. Me and my boyfriend went from having a really good and great conversation to me getting triggered and pulling away. And he said some things that really hurt me including telling me to leave if i was un happy. Previously I have thought of self harm, but never actually gone through with it.

Well, tonight I did.

I dont know how to feel. Part of me is sick to my stomach, I was told to never self harm because it does you no good and makes you look like a freak. I did it in a place of my body where it wouldnt be seen, so i dont think ill worry to much about that. But the other part of me is elated. I genuinely feel better after it. It was easier to focus on physical pain than the emotional pain, and at least I could control how much physical pain I was feeling. The third part of me is terrified. What if my boyfriend finds out? He already worries about me, I don't need him getting mad at me for this to. Im in therapy but i don't think I'm going to tell my therapist about this, i cant afford to get thrown into a psych ward.

Im hurting. I think everyone is and im just handling it a lot worse. Does anyone have any advice? Im scared by how nice this felt.

It's just humiliating tbh. I'm a 26 year old woman, I have I guess like a "normal" successful life, but I feel like when people see my scars/cuts I just read as an emotionally volatile person who couldn't mentally develop beyond teenhood. Like it's this physical marking that suggests I'm unable to cope with adult life to the degree that everyone else can. I feel like once people notice it on me, I will always come across as unserious and juvenile and kinda pathetic to them. The most painful thought is that my close friends see me this way - they are incredible and kind and empathetic, but I will always be the one in the friend group that seems "behind" everyone else because of this. And I'm not blaming other people for this, I don't see myself as like a victim of their judgements - there SHOULD be a negative social consequence to mutilating yourself. I'm more just upset with myself that I put myself in this position and continue to do so. It's fucked up to say - and please forgive me because it's obviously just me projecting - but even when I see another adult who self harms I'm like damn bitch get it together. So I can't even imagine how normal people see us.

Hi, i need to find alternatives that inflicts pain to relieve the emotional pain (unbearable) to replace cutting. There can be something that doesn't damage skin or body but it also works.

[I do psychotherapy and psychiatrist]

This night was rough and I’ve done sh. Now I’m concerned that I can’t change the bandage on my own. It was hard the last few times and I don’t know if I can do it this time. There are only four wounds but I don’t know if it’s okay to write my psychiatrist and ask for help for the change. What are my options? Is it a thing I have to do on my own?

Guys I’m so insecure. How do I learn to love my self lol

I felt the urge. I used a tool from my workbench and went to the restroom during a meeting and just did it. 5 small movements.

Part of me wishes it was deeper, but I’m also glad it wasn’t. I used an old first aid kit to dress the wound, and it bled through the gauze a little bit but I have long sleeves.

My whole arm is lit up, and healing from an entire week of binging SH. They don’t know how much I’m hurting.

I have work in a few days and due to a relapse some visible and noticeable cuts where there previously wasn’t any. I could wear long sleeves but my job is very physical and I usually sweat a lot in short sleeves and really don’t want to have to deal with being that hot and uncomfortable all day. Does anyone have any advice of what to say if someone points it out?

24N/A. I tried cutting when I was 13, thought I'd see what it was like, put it down pretty easily, didn't think much of it any further. Just over a year ago I decided to try again, and it's since lead me down a pretty steep slope: multiple hospital visits, stitches and antibiotics, you know the drill. I can't help but aim for fat wounds at this point, but even what I'm currently doing isn't quite enough; it feels like there's a very real prospect I may cause permanent damage sometime in the near future.

I'm aware of the regular techniques, hold an ice cube, red pen, etc etc, but I find they're just no substitute - they're nowhere near the same. I guess I could switch to yellow pen, but even so, point stands.

I don't mean to glorify anything here, this follows a pattern very similar to addiction. It's caused problems with friends and family, it's hindered interaction with actual healthcare professionals, but I feel now's the time to ask: how do you keep yourself from cutting when all you want to see is deep, exposed flesh?

Anyone here 30+ and still self harm. Can you answer this question about my spouse.

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband (whom not Chinese) and the Chinese me trying to understand him, or at least his mindset. I'm 42, he 41. Hence I want to ask those who 30+

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen k-nife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, and nobody see his stomach than if it was on his legs of arms, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen k-nife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive Vice President of Engineering at a big Engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Everyday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends when his mom demands mother and son time, he will take his mom to our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. He is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

I do not know how to get him into grief therapy neither. He keeps said after his mom pass. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

But I can't shake this off that he has depression, but he is a high-functioning depression. Can a man be high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed?

I’ve been self harming for as long as I can remember. Lately it’s been cutting & burning. I guess it gives me a feeling of relief & a way to punish myself.

Posting because I was curious if others have similar or different reasons

Hullo fellow redditers. I cut my arm the other day and now it feels weirdly cold and warm but mostly a bit numb. It didn’t feel numb when I was cutting nor straight afterwards but does feel like that now like half a day/a day after.

My googling skills tells me the swelling could be hitting a nerve causing the numb feeling buttttt this has never happened to me before so what the fuck. Should I be worried or what do?

Just a vent !!

Tiktok is the one platform where its so shit and rude in every community, mental health related or even fandom.

I hate it how they say small cuts aren't valid , shallow ones aren't, you have to be this and that , "no person who sh show their scars!!" , its ridiculous how they try to shame who goes shallow , who goes deep , who goes quiet/open about it.

All sh is valid, no matter what , all of us are trying to cope , to find something , to feel something , expressive or not , we are trying.

I never thought I would hate the word "larping" , its annoying