First time?
Hi. Im not sure if this belongs here. Im 19F, going to be twenty in a few months, and I self harmed tonight for the first time in my life with a sharp object. Me and my boyfriend went from having a really good and great conversation to me getting triggered and pulling away. And he said some things that really hurt me including telling me to leave if i was un happy. Previously I have thought of self harm, but never actually gone through with it.
Well, tonight I did.
I dont know how to feel. Part of me is sick to my stomach, I was told to never self harm because it does you no good and makes you look like a freak. I did it in a place of my body where it wouldnt be seen, so i dont think ill worry to much about that. But the other part of me is elated. I genuinely feel better after it. It was easier to focus on physical pain than the emotional pain, and at least I could control how much physical pain I was feeling. The third part of me is terrified. What if my boyfriend finds out? He already worries about me, I don't need him getting mad at me for this to. Im in therapy but i don't think I'm going to tell my therapist about this, i cant afford to get thrown into a psych ward.
Im hurting. I think everyone is and im just handling it a lot worse. Does anyone have any advice? Im scared by how nice this felt.