u/730amamam

I tend to get really strong urges when I'm changing my bandages, especially when things are healing quickly or don't bleed much. I think I often end up feeling like I didn't do "enough", which makes me want to do more. I'm trying to avoid it becoming a cycle but am having a hard time identifying ways to address/work with this specific trigger because I can't just not change my bandages. Distraction doesn't work super well, and it's about the visible damage, not pain, so rubber bands/ice/etc also isn't super helpful.

Has anyone else run into this? Any ideas on coping mechanisms?

I started seeing my boyfriend a few months ago, at that point I had been mostly clean for around a year, everything was very healed. I have visible scars on my thighs but they're mostly quite thin and small and blend into my skin pretty well depending on lighting. My boyfriend also has a history of sh, he's also been clean for a while, but the scars he does have are significant wider/bigger than mine. I'm not directly triggered by his scars usually, but recently I've been feeling generally more insecure about how my scars look.

About a month ago, I relapsed (unrelated to this). It's happened a few times since then. He's been really sweet about it, but I can't shake the stupid thought that he could be judging me for how shallow/small it all is. Most of it probably won't even scar. I've been clean for almost 2 weeks and seeing everything heal has been so weirdly triggering. It makes me feel like I don't/didn't deserve to be asking for help or receiving care/sympathy. I know logically that severity of injury =/= strength of emotion, and that all self harm is valid and should be taken seriously. I know that he's directly said that less/no scarring is good. I don't think he's ever been super affected by the competitive element of SH. I know I am projecting my insecurity onto him and he probably doesn't see me as being "bad" at SH. I just feel gross and insecure and guilty for doing it, but also not doing it "correctly." I'm scared that he might think I'm weak or attention-seeking or something, or that he's secretly annoyed.

I recently relapsed for a few days after being clean for a while. I tend to have a harder time stopping after an initial relapse. Because of a short trip that kept me from doing anything, I currently don't need to be using bandages. I bought a lot of new first aid supplies slightly before the trip, and the knowledge that they're so immediately available is weirdly triggering/makes it feel like a more accessible option.

My partner knows I sh and has generally been supportive and understanding. We do not live together, but live near each other. I have been considering having him hold onto the bandages/etc that I bought. For me, I think it would make me less likely to relapse again, or as severely, if I knew I didn't have a large number of aftercare supplies immediately available. I also think "having" to tell him beforehand or sooner after would help me either postpone or outright avoid a relapse. (Obviously I'm still able to buy things if needed, but money is not an infinite resource. I would likely keep a few bandages just in case, it's more about making them more scarce).

I am having a hard time telling if this is a reasonable thing to ask of him. I've occasionally heard of people giving tools to a friend, but can't really tell how common that is, or if it's considered a good idea generally speaking. I also worry that it could come across as manipulative and he might feel pressure talk me out of it or something if/when I ask for them back. I think he does understand that it's sometimes necessary for me, I don't see him fully withholding anything, but I worry that I would be putting him in an unnecessarily awkward situation.

Has anyone had good experiences asking friends/partners/etc for help in this way, or a similar way? Is this a bad idea?

I've been struggling for the past few weeks a lot more than usual. My biggest period of sh was a few years ago when I was in college, it was heavily connected to an abusive relationship I was in. My ex also has a lot of issues and often leveraged his mental health/suicidality/etc as a way to control me or minimize my emotions. Sometimes it was intentional, other times I don't think it was.

Because of that, I'm extremely cautious about talking to people about how I'm doing. Some of my close friends know that I did during/immediately after that relationship, I'm not sure any of them know that I still relapse a few times a year. I've been dating someone for a few months and haven't relapsed since that started, but I know it would be immediately obvious if I did. He's also dealt with SH, but from what we've talked about it seems like it's not an ongoing issue for him.

I have been considering reaching out to him, or to friends, for support but literally don't know how to without feeling like I'm potentially manipulating them or making them uncomfortable. I feel like I can't reach out preemptively because it will sound like a threat, I can't when I'm actively having urges because they might feel guilty if they can't help, and talking about it after is mostly just embarrassing. I don't want them to feel trapped with me the way I felt trapped with my ex. I don't want them to feel responsible for my well-being/safety. I know there has to be a middle ground between total independence and codependency, but I don't know where that is and am terrified of crossing a line.

Has anyone else had this? Any advice on how to appropriately reach out to people for support?