r/MadeOfStyrofoam

Hope others understand me. I either feel it’s not enough and cringe or that I’m a freak that will always stick out like a sore thumb. Sometimes both at the same time

iwnbarw iwnbarw iwnbarw iwnbarw ill always be just a man with tits and a mangled limbs from cjtting i dont deserve to live im a waste of space im like lowkey becoming an alcoholic my grades are falling even tho im doing pretty good in life i genuinely need to kill myself im ngmi theres no point wasting my time if im just gonna be an ugly looking moid for the rest of my life

Just fucking pissed and tired of everything, it's 5am, haven't slept in 40 hours or something, ate once in the past 3 days, relapsed so hard that I was bleeding for nearly 30 minutes. Lowkey dont think I will ever be hired to any job when I'm in a state like this, especially with how I get panic attacks now whenever I go outside and get reminded of the fucking world that exists outside my head.

Anyway have some old memes I stole

(based on a true story)

I’m having increasingly difficult feelings about my mom. like on one hand, she’s a great mom and I love her to bits. on the other hand, she knew my dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusing me (and i suspect he did far worse to me as a child because I have no memory of him at all before age 12 despite remembering everyone else just fine, coupled with a laundry list of symptoms that would indicate something very very not good occurred) and she didn’t protect me, and she’s STILL with him. and when she caught me cutting myself as a kid instead of being like hmm clearly something is very wrong here i should get my daughter psychiatric help, she kept me home from school so she could scream at me all day, and then threatened that if i ever did it again she’d tell my abusive father and get him to deal with it with the underlying implication that he would be violent towards me.

so for over a decade I hid that shit meticulously for my own safety. and then i moved out and stopped caring because it wasn’t putting me in active danger anymore, so i started cutting on my arms which i never did when i was younger. but my mom and i are planning a beach trip and i decided to just rip the bandaid off and tell her “yeah there are a lot of scars on my arms now that can’t be hidden with a bathing suit, if you can forgive dad for his shitty coping mechanisms that ruin everyone else’s lives constantly, you can forgive me for mine that doesn’t hurt anyone but me”. and i was expecting a whole argument or something but then she ended up being really supportive and apologetic instead? she was like “i don’t need to forgive you because you didn’t do anything wrong, i’m sorry i wasn’t more aware and a better mother, i love you scars and all,”

and like, yeah, that’s awesome and a huge relief, thanks mom. but also WHY WERENT YOU LIKE THIS WHEN IT MATTERED? why weren’t you understanding and apologetic and supportive when I was a 12 year old contending with severe mental illness and trauma for the first time and being abused by your husband? you punished and threatened me for it when it mattered and now that it doesn’t anymore, and the only possible consequence at hand is that wearing a bathing suit might be slightly awkward for me, is when I finally get an apology?

idk dawg im just like really dealing with the fact I was loved but i wasn’t protected as a kid, and in trying to deal with my trauma i’m really protective of my inner kid, and she just gets pissed off when apologies or protection are only offered now that I’m an adult who can protect herself. idk. mixed feelings. probably shouldn’t complain at the end of the day because hey, at least i got support and an apology finally.

I can't stand up for myself. I'll never get better. I need to die. I should try to cut my foot off or something to feel anything. I'm sorry.

vent post

lol everythings going to shit recently for me,
my school's counselor sent me to the hospital after they learned that i cut, worst 2 hour experience of my life, they told everything to my parents and signed me up for a therapy program that takes up 1/2 of my summer
then after all of that my girlfriend decided to break up with me because im a failure and cant be a good person for amuythjing i cant hold back myh animosity and kee[p making them upsetr because i keep cutting
after that i can't stay clean for more than a day, every night im putting 20+ more cuts into my thigh bceause i just cant stop being a bad person and need to pay back for it, everythings been so stressful i dont think i can or want to go through this anymlre
everythings just been getting worse ever since i started in march

I was coming up on two years clean and I broke the streak last week. Ever since it feels like a dam has broken and I just can’t stop. I don’t WANT to stop. I’ve only ever done it on my thighs because it’s easier to hide but I’ve considered switching to my arms just so that maybe someone would see that I’m hurting and take me seriously. I’m in such a weird spot, because I’m not actively suicidal, and I don’t want to die, but I want to get worse. I want to keep hurting. I need someone to notice and care. How far do I have to go before they stop ignoring me? How much is it going to take before I finally start feeling loved? How much do I have to give?

I miss being at my lowest. I used to fantasize about cutting off all my skin. No longer needing to worry about the way I look as I'm the perfect, frail skeleton beneath my disgusting outer shell.

I miss how deep i was able to go when I simply didn't care.

My dad saw my really old shoulder scars and acted like I was a horrible person for not telling him even though I thought my mom would've. I have to talk my friend down basically every night and I'm genuinely worried about him that I can barely eat or sleep and I always feel nauseous, I try so hard at my job and I'm still too slow and not good enough and my coworkers hate me and I don't even want a job anymore, and the entire world is falling apart and it's genuinely causing me to spiral, but then I see people say if you don't keep your attention on what's happening and you try to distract yourself you're a horrible evil person. I just wanna wake up and find out this was all a bad dream. It's gotten so bad I'm back to almost every day, and then I feel like an ass hole because I've told everyone I stopped

Don't know why I decided to put it down in the first place but the decision's been solidified by a particularly scary description of how you can bleed tf out if you go from dull to sharp like:

"You could bleed out and die!!!": bleeding doesn't necessarily refer to injury bleeding (like you can say I'm bleeding someone dry if I swindle all their cash) so it's a little vague, not particularly in depth

"Sharp knives with pressure can cut through tendon, bone, and muscle, you can die a pathetic death!!!" what!!!!

Let's see if this will last longer than 8 days (my best streak in recent years), given the start date was 5/18

Fuck someone please help I want to end my 159 day streak im 2 days away from my longest streak i don’t want to ruin it i would feel so bad after but i need more fucking scarssss fuck

just cut again after god knows how long because mom threw away my old zip up i was emotionally attachedto and didnt plan on getting rid of and had only told her to do it without telling me whenevershe felt like it because i am a fawn at heart . and it didnt even fucking work they started bleeding after like a minute because my sharps are old and orange We are so back please welcome me back