u/solidarity2525

I don't know who you are specifically, but I just want to say that I understand that it you're here, you're definitely suffering. You aren't a terrible person beyond redemption, you're someone who's been hurt time and time again because people suck and you likely don't know how to go about life any other way. I've been there myself, I understand the struggle, and I'm still working to get better every day. Today sucks, but tomorrow might be better. In the meantime, I'm going to stand with you in solidarity and suffer with you. Mental illness makes life shitty when it acts up and you deserve someone to at least metaphorically stand by your side.

Long post, so, buckle up.

CW Institutional Violence.

I used to be an EMT and I did it for almost 6 years. In fact, today would've marked 6 years in the profession. I'm not in healthcare anymore because as a profession, it fucking blows.

Healthcare in the United States is marked by a veneer of care, a core of profit maximization and an undercurrent of institutional violence. Patients aren't really seen as human beings most of the time and rather as a commodity, much like a broken car at a mechanic shop.

In EMS specifically, the patients are usually seen as some sort of caricature for the simple reason that you spend 30 minutes to a couple hours with the patient before usually never seeing them again. In IFT (Inter facility Transport) it's usually some depressing nursing home to wither away from the certain dementia. Nursing homes where the staff are more burnt out than you are and have lost all ability to empathize or even sympathize with the patients.

Doing IFT EMS, I also did a fair number of psychiatric transfers. The patients were usually people much like myself during that time. Too depressed to actually go through with anything for the most part although a few had the energy to fight. Some patients actually did require monitoring and a secure environment in order to begin some kind of effective treatment, but they were rare.

I always did my best to treat my patients like people, especially psych patients, but I think that somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I knew that I was contributing to the institutional violence towards the mentally ill. I still helped to keep that system going even if I tried to push against the violent aspects of it.

I'm sorry.

I'm especially sorry if you were one of my patients. I did my best to be as kind as possible, but it doesn't make up for the fact that you were likely transported against your will because you committed the social crime of being mentally ill.

I could offer some shitty excuse like "just doing my job", but the truth is that I could've walked away 6 years ago and I just never did because I never saw the cruelness of for profit healthcare as anything but normal.

You have my permission to scream at me if you want, I can't make up for anything, but I can at least offer you a place to get some kind of catharsis.

I thought the image was funny. Delete if not allowed.

I'm not thinking about enacting it but, like, bruh, what the hell?

My life has been a shit show since birth and I'm only now starting to pull myself out of the tailspin that it is.

I've made a variety of plans (I'm not sharing them) over the years but never actually attempted any (admittedly I'm kind of a coward). I burn sometimes when things get really hard. I also scream at myself when things get really hard. Idk, I consider the last one emotional self harm at least for myself.

Anyway, back to my main point, I just kinda feel guilty for all of it. I've chipped away at myself a little bit at a time even after my parents stopped doing it for me. I didn't kill my body, but I severely injured my spirit (idk what else to call it. I'm tired.) I feel bad about all of it. The person within all of the alters and fragments deserves better.

Thanks for listening to my slightly unhinged rantings.