I thought the image was funny. Delete if not allowed.
I'm not thinking about enacting it but, like, bruh, what the hell?
My life has been a shit show since birth and I'm only now starting to pull myself out of the tailspin that it is.
I've made a variety of plans (I'm not sharing them) over the years but never actually attempted any (admittedly I'm kind of a coward). I burn sometimes when things get really hard. I also scream at myself when things get really hard. Idk, I consider the last one emotional self harm at least for myself.
Anyway, back to my main point, I just kinda feel guilty for all of it. I've chipped away at myself a little bit at a time even after my parents stopped doing it for me. I didn't kill my body, but I severely injured my spirit (idk what else to call it. I'm tired.) I feel bad about all of it. The person within all of the alters and fragments deserves better.
Thanks for listening to my slightly unhinged rantings.
Recently I realized that I'm not actually that bad of a person. I've done bad things, but I'm not the horrible person that my parents and the internet at large (because I'm here) think I am. I can grow and change and be a new and better version of myself (or selves depending on how active my system is that day) every day when I wake up.
I used to believe that I was the worst person in the world deep down. This was a lie that my parents instilled into me from a young age because they likely felt the same way about themselves and needed somewhere to push that pain. That pain was pushed onto me. This kinda made me think bad things about myself and mimic my parents' toxic patterns with someone that I deeply care about and was in a relationship with for a few years. I still did all of that and I feel terrible that I did it. I still have a need to be seen as good and am still sensitive to being perceived as "bad". That being said, I'm here, I'm learning the basics of self compassion by refusing to talk to myself the way that my parents did, I'm rejecting my parents' methods of interpersonal violence (emotional forms included), and I'm still dysfunctional, disordered and fucked up, but I'm not bad because I never gave up the fight to be a good person.
I hope my ex is doing ok and if they see it, I'm sorry for everything that I messed up.
I'm kinda at that phase of healing where I'm kinda starting to understand that the things my parents said about me so frequently weren't ever really true. I've done bad things to other people that were inter-personally harmful, and I'll never get the chance to make amends, I'm ok with that. It wasn't the real me, but it's my responsibility to clean up the mess. I'm also incredibly insecure. That's ok, I'll work on it continuously until the day I die. This wasn't the true me. It was the abuse from my parents that made me feel this way. I want to stop feeling this way and I don't want to make others feel this way ever again.