u/ihatemybirthdaykillm

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I just took a bunch of melatonin so i wouldnt have the chance to relapse. I woke up at 17:00 tho ;-;

I can’t maintain a friendship for more than about a year. I don’t really have any friends right now, maybe one, but I don’t think he would ever consider me a friend.

I really want to be vulnerable with people I’m close to, but I don’t have anyone like that. Even if I did, I literally can’t open up to anyone. It feels like there’s a blockade in my mind that stops me from saying anything that might be to "risky" because I don’t want them to leave me. If they did, I’d have no one.

A couple of years ago, my best friend left me after I opened up to him about my struggles with sh. I still miss him so much. I’m incredibly thankful to him, and I would never blame him or judge him for leaving back then. I know it wasn’t his responsibility to help me with my problems or to listen to them. Even though he was so helpful and we were close, he didn’t see me as his best friend, and that hurt a bit, but I was still happy to just have someone.

I think that’s probably why I can’t open up to anyone now. I just wish I felt safe around someone, the kind of safe where I could trust that they wouldn’t leave me without any warnings, but I’ve accepted that it will probably never happen.

It’s also really hard to find new friends. Most people dislike me, and I understand why. I’m not very likeable. I hate myself so much. Why can’t I be consistent with friends? Text them every day, keep conversations going for longer than 5 minutes, and not feel so unsure around them. But i just can’t.

Its tiring.

Anyways, thx for reading this. Stay safe guys!

So my mom knows I used to cut in the past, but she thinks I stopped after my dad found out about it and we got into a physical fight. But I kept doing it and just hid it much better since then. Now last night I cut again on my thigh, and I overslept my alarm the next morning so my mom came into my room to wake me up. The cuts were very visible when I woke up, but she didn’t say anything. I’m really scared that she saw them and will tell my dad.

I like actually get nauseous every time I look in the mirror. I don’t understand how I can be so fucking ugly. I spend my whole life trying to hide myself, because every time someone sees me, they give me that weird look. I just want to look normal, not like a supermodel or smth, just average. People look at me and immediately assume I’m a bad person. It’s crazy.