u/Remarkable_Bath8515

Don't read if you have Emetophobia..

My head hurts.

My head hurts, I want mom to come home I almost threw up. I feel like throwing up.

I guess if you don't cry for long is that what's causing the headache I actually don't know crying gives me headaches. The crying was needed even if it was a false threat response. The headache man.

In a way I feel more alive because I usually feel like I'm not real but I need to get pills when mom is home.

I feel annoying honestly.

But I still stay online because I want to overcome this suspected social anxiety and socialize with fellow people.

Don't feel bad to text to me unless you legit just called me something I'm not, said a slur, or said I should die. (that's surprisingly rare)

I'm ok now just want to vent again, is that ok?

This is why I reassurance seek. I'm sorry.

I'm a weakling?

Which makes since, I am questioning my gender but if I am a man (or something transmasce) it's not something I choose it's just who I am.

I wanted to ask other trans people if they got that question and how they responded to it.

I want to clarify my family asking that doesn't upset me that much because I'm sure they mean well, and are curious.

I always explain when asked it's not something someone chooses. I think I get asked that more than "why do you want to be a pokemon trainer" which is not like being trans just something I also wish I was.

I wonder if that's the best response to that and is respectful. It's not really all about what you want but who you are.

This is not because of someone that is friends or because of people I love in my life but I can't keep thinking I deserve to die even though I'm not actively suicidal or passively suicidal.

Sure, I think of I want painless ways to hurt myself and even kill myself if it benefits humanity or if I'm seen as inhuman, but I don't want to die or want it to come to that.

My streak is still high I've been past a month. No one is really at fault I just think I don't deserve good things or to live. I at least want to be a pokemon trainer, shame I have to be the villain. /Sad

I hope this changes again to feeling good again but do I even deserve that. how would anyone know.

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This is jacob.

this ok? I want to check if I can put my other name here to see if it would fit me to be called Ulysses sometime. It's an old name I had and I can't use Jacob as a legal name because I'll be in danger if I use a well known name.

About me:

I have long hair to look less ugly, I plan to dye it blue, and I wear it in pigtails, and what I want is to be a pokemon trainer. I know that will not happen so plan to go on adventures and collect pokemon plushies.

I also draw, I do mostly digital art but I draw animals, pokemon, Fake pokemon designs called Fakèmon, humans based on pokemon trainers, and pokemon trainers.

I wear a pokemon trainer outfit based on my OC (not in PFP.), I don't know my personality but I get afraid of talking to people but want to, I am afraid of being a bad person to where it gives anxiety, and I want to improve as a person or ask for help on it. I'm afraid of getting hurt, or invalidated on who I am.

I have a hat that (official) pokemon trainer Ethan wears.

Why do I have to be like this. Like me.

Why can't I just hurt myself.

Why can't I just stay happy, or at least not worry about making people upset. Even trying to stand up for myself feels wrong.

I wish I could just bleed a little.

Another post was talking about an animal book, so I was reminded of a book too.

One of the stories was based on the song I'm being eating by a boa constricter. (The one barney makes into a kids song.)

All I remember is it had multiple stories, and was meant to be funny. One stories mentioned a pet hyena named chuckling chuck but I don't remember much on that one besides that that hyena and the family with it did something.

I remember this story a bit more [Spoiler warning] a guy who traveled and did a bunch of wacky things all ending in the rhyming with ied.

The last story they talked about a creature named clyde, and the ending was they where hovered above a boiling pool several meters wide, dropped inside it and guess what.. I died. Was the joke. Among other things.

I tried to find that book but could find the exact one, or found pictures.

I think it could have been named [Number] of hilarious stories. My teacher read it as a kid.