r/selfharm__recovery

I thought maybe if I wrote it, and read it, it would help me understand how permanent that decision is, and how it would affect my family. But then I feared, what if I write it, and it feels, "right." So I have not done it. Instead I just doodled this stupid shit.

I don't cut much now that it's so hot all the time, and my life has put me into adult content creation since life is just that fucked. I can't be covered in cuts and film. I've been using a riding crop to whack myself when I feel urges, but it's loud, and I'm almost never home alone. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I need to bring it to work and do it in the bathroom. I tried the rubber band on the wrist thing, but that leaves marks, and is highly visible. I don't recommend.

I used to make a good paycheck. Now I'm doing p0rn just to afford to pay for my childs toilet seat for potty training. I am a miserable piece of shit. I'm creeping on 40 living with my mother again.

I am losing, everything. My marriage. My career. My 401k. My house. My car. And now my epilepsy has returned and the med changes are making me shake. I don't like to open up like this anymore but I just don't know where else to put it. I want to tell random strangers I'm garbage and walk away. I had been tempted to ask people to pay me to punch me in the face just to make some goddamn money and feel something. What about prostitution. Since all I'm worth is my trash used up body. No I haven't done any of those things, and I'm not considering any of it seriously. it's those fleeting intrusive thoughts. But they are constantly coming.

Now that I'm on welfare health insurance I can see my therapist again. And keep up with my neurologist.

I just wish I could wake up and be someone else for a few hours, to have a break, from me.

I fucking hate my life.

I can't survive because I can't afford child care, I can't get a job because I have a child. I can't take care of my child because I'm too busy caring for my child to have a fucking job to pay for the shit he needs. Food stamps, 164 a month for me and him. Wtf is that. Meanwhile my exhusband is buying a house, unscathed. He has a big fucking truck, a Harley Davidson and a good paying job. I am selling my car so door dash is out of the question and with seizure issues I don't drive while my meds are being changed. It's a very slow process. The meds I was on previously has significantly increased my rage, my depression my sense of worthlessness, and it's a known side effect. The new meds are supposed to be so much better, but i cant do antidepressants until I adjust to getting off the old meds and fully in the new meds.

My mother watches me on the baby monitor every night in case I have a seizure. Do you know what that does to a person? I feel like such a burden. She just lost her parents (and I, my grandparents) and she's dealing with so much, now her dumbass daughter with epilepsy is barging into her life with her 3 year old son.

Angry masturbation some days helps, and I am cruel to myself. It can help, but it is not healthy.

I used to draw, write, I had a future with my own comic series, but now all I have time to do is my shitty little part time job when it's my soon to b exhusband's days with our son, I make shit pay and have shit hours. So how do I make ends meet? Film my ridiculous self hate self fucking and charge for it. Fuck. My. Life.

essentially that. i talked to people instead and meditated. my feelings come in waves, but i feel a lot more capable to handle and understand them now. i wish you all the same, if/when you experience similar things <3

Yesterday my SH was finally healed enough and I felt comfortable wearing shorts to school, so I planned my outfit the night before and had to check with my mom because she wanted to make sure the shorts weren't too short. She stared at my legs with really tight lips and looked disappointed and angry and asked if I would consider using scar cream to get rid of my scars. She also said I might get bullied and reported to the main office (I have once before but that was fresh sh) and she didn't want to deal with that. I said no and tried not to let her insensitivity rij my confidence and I wore shorts the next day - it went really well, I got some stares/weird looks and two friends asking if I was okay but no negative comments, and I felt really good by the end of the day. Then my dad picked me up from school and the first fucking thing he did was tap my legs and say "that's annoying" and started ranting about how it was frustrating that HE had to deal with that/see that on me and how it wasn't fair to him. I started arguing with him and defending myself, I said that was extremely inappropriate of him and really hurtful, and he said this wasn't 'his fault' in an accusatory tone and said that I was the one creating this issue, quite literally justifying his comments by saying I'm the one who did this and it's my fault. I'm still trying not to let it ruin this for me but I'm just so fucking done with dealing with my family and I wish more than anything my parents were understanding and supportive and kind rather than the toxic assholes they are.

anyway sorry for the ramble, thanks for reading

i promised my parents that i would stay clean, and i lie to them and i feel so guilty, but i can't just not do it. the three months have been really difficult and this year as a whole has been a massive 'canon event' for me. it's all coming to a head – i'm going to college in september, exam results in less than a week, 18 in just under a month, yet still getting nowhere with transitioning.

which is funny because i didn't think i'd reach that last year. i did a small bit in the shower the other night and it felt quite relieving until the guilt set in. i used to do it every night, late hospital visits, constantly tired, then got clean for the three months, idk what to do, i don't want to go back to that state, but too worried to admit to anyone close to me,,

thinking of watching a few films tonight to try and 'quell the need', hopefully it works -- also, sorry if this is written weirdly! i'm not great at expressing things to do with sh

[effacé]

How come they stay that color?? For some it's been some years but they don't even fade a bit

I recently passed my old clean record, and I’m really proud of myself. I’ve had times when I wanted to relapse. What I’m even more proud of myself for, is I’ve been asking for help. I was never able to do that when I was in the deep end. I don’t have anyone in my life who I can share this with, so I thought I would share it here.

I’ve been doing sh for around 2.5 years and I’ve never really cut that deep but I want my scars to be noticeable but it hurts too much to cut deep and if anyone in my family sees them I will be grounded so please give me any advice

this experience frightened me into being clean, and i've kept it up for over just over three months

the urge is always there but it's been extremely forefront recently as i've had some family bereavements. i like to cosplay and don't want my scars to be the focal point instead when i do, will they ever fade? what type are they? i have a very similar one on my thigh, but it's much darker in colour despite being older by a few months

if anyone could help iwould be glad (´◡`) !

I've had these for about 7 months and more, but they're still this big and puffy. People constantly make fun of me and it's honestly devastating to go out. I can't lie, I still struggle with it and want to stop, but I don't know how. When I start, I just keep going, and it ends up getting worse and worse. Does anyone have any tips? Drawing doesn't help me, nor does ice.