Listen. It’s hot as hell and I like walking places but I don’t wanna overheat. I’m almost five days clean of like actual cutting but I have a lot of fresher cat scratches on my other arm. Some one the arm i actually cut on is still scabbing. Is this too fresh? I don’t wanna overheat yall 😭😭
Tired of everything. Think I’m gonna give up. Cutting isn’t distracting well enough. Don’t even know if I have the right means but. I’m giving up tonight. Thought I’d scream into the void as I build the courage.
I’ve tried. Relapsed months ago. Cant sleep. Can’t eat. Nothing is enjoyable anymore. Tried reaching out. Made plans. Got help. The pressure is unbearable. Drinking to help. It’s not. Nothing helps. Cutting doesn’t help. I don’t wanna live anymore. Maybe I’ll chicken out. Maybe the wine will give me courage tonight. Just screaming into the void. Don’t wanna scare my friends in case I chicken out or fail or something but. I’m tired of living. We’re gonna see if the I-don’t-even-know-what-number-anymore attempt will fucking work. Don’t relapse yall. It doesn’t help the way ya think it will. It makes everything worse and now I’m stuck in a hole I can’t get out of so might as well give up.
So. Last episode I had like this I was 18 and living at home. I’m 24 and live alone now. The episodes are horrifying really, I don’t know what they are. Basically I like. Shut off for a bit. No warning I’m just gone and I can’t move or if I do it’s very very slowly. I can think most of the time during this but like I don’t feel real and nothing feels real. This time it lasted over an hour. I couldn’t move. Froze up. Not really gonna talk about what I did to get out of it but I will say I legit have no real memory of these episodes. Lost time really. I do usually move eventually but I’m not consciously doing it most of the time. Anyone else experience something like this? This ain’t like, a seizure is it lol
Alright. Gonna be so real here. My OCD has caused me to do rather harmful things in the past because I’ve never attempted avoiding a compulsion before. Never gotten professional help, working on that right now. Anything anyone else does to alleviate that feeling that like something’s gonna blow up if I don’t do it??? OCD been bad lately and my body’s been taking a lot of the fallout from it.
I’m having a really specific urge. Had this urge now for a few days and I’ve been avoiding doing it. Any coping strategies yall do to help when you get a strong urge? I’m getting help and such in real life but it’s all new and recent, my first appointment isn’t until the 18th and all I’ve got is a crisis and safety plan I made at the evaluation appointment (it kinda works but not well enough honestly)
I tried my stupid fucking safety plan. I tried reaching out in as many ways as I could handle in the moment. No one fucking got back to me. And I can’t even bring myself to be angry at them. I’m angry at myself. For expecting to rely on the few people I reached out to? For not trying harder and reaching out to more people? Whatever. Can’t go one day clean. One day. Everything just. It gets to be too much so fast. Fuck a crisis plan fuck a safety plan imma go home and do it again I give up.
Just wanted to put this out there. Never really been to therapy or been honest before. But. Last night was really bad and I seriously considered taking my life. So I set up an actual therapy appointment. Started the process. Talked with someone today for the first time in my life about all of this. Here’s hoping things get better.
I can’t stop self harming. Doing it every day. Twice today and it’s all I can think about. It’s honestly the only thing getting me through the day. But it’s not enough anymore. I’m struggling at work now. This mental health shit is affecting my work. I don’t feel I’m good for anything but my work. I wanna off myself. I’m nothing but what I can do for others and provide. Nothing feels worth it anymore. I wanna give up.
I dunno what to do anymore. I relapsed over two months ago. I’ve been cutting every day. Some days multiple times just to get through the day. I’m constantly fighting the urge to go deeper or add more or even carve words into myself. I don’t know what constitutes as something serious enough to deserve going to a crisis center. I don’t even know what they’d recommend or offer. I don’t even know what I want. I just wanted to vent somewhere I guess. I’ve gotta go buy more medical supplies again. It’s only been a few days but I blew through almost everything in one night. I feel like I’ve completely lost control.
How do I tell a cut is infected? I can’t really afford medical care rn and don’t want to jump the gun. The cuts sting a little more than usual when I spray antiseptic and they’re more pink than the others but not deep or anything.
How do I tell a cut is infected? It stings more than usual when I spray antiseptic and they’re a little more pink looking than others. There is some yellow drainage but that happens with all of them I thought. I can’t really afford medical care rn.
I was curious how detrimental this was to my mental health. So I have PTSD and never really feel safe. I’m constantly armed. I sleep on my couch so I can be right by the front door just in case. I also sleep with a gun, two knives, and a literal machete tucked all in the couch. Do I know how to chill? No. Is the hyper vigilance like making my mental health worse? Do I need to learn how to relax?? Cause I don’t know how to relax. Never done that before. How does one relax????
Just curious. So I’ve gone about three months on maybe 3-4 hours of sleep and on a good day I get six. Well I started hallucinating the other night. Don’t get me wrong it was terrifying but I knew it wasn’t real. Can I like come back from this by myself or do I need some sort of help? Is a few months of three hours of sleep a night all that dangerous? And really how serious is hallucinating if I know it’s not real?
So, I texted 988 last night. I had a little breakdown because I haven’t slept more than 3-4 hours for the last month. I got really paranoid last night and started seeing things, like demons and faces and hands and stuff. This isn’t new for me, it’s happened in the past when I was trying different meds, but it’s no less terrifying honestly. My question is, how big of a deal is this? The counselor I texted wanted me to go to a crisis center or send someone and I panicked and lied to them saying I had someone with me last night. I know I know don’t do that and stuff but I had work today so I’d rather not get locked up.
So, I’ve never gotten medical attention for any of my cuts. Even when they probably needed it. But that was years ago before my relapse and now that I’m an adult I’d rather not gain an infection or bleed out considering I can get myself help now. Do dermis cuts need medical attention? Should I be concerned that some of my cuts keep bleeding when I change the bandages? I don’t personally think they’re deep enough to require stitches but do dermis cuts need glue or something?
This is stupid I’m stupid I can’t fucking stop I don’t know why. I’m already running out of fucking medical supplies AGAIN this really is a never ending cycle. I’m done trying I’m done working up the courage to get help I’m too tired to keep doing this shit right now I’m so done.
This is stupid I’m stupid I can’t fucking stop I don’t know why. I’m already running out of fucking medical supplies AGAIN this really is a never ending cycle. I’m done trying I’m done working up the courage to get help I’m too tired to keep doing this shit right now I’m so done.
Does anyone have suggestions for an alternative to sh? I’ve used sh in various forms my whole life as something grounding and sensory seeking, plus I have OCD and that makes it almost compulsive. Is there anything specifically pain inducing but not super harmful obviously that I could try? TIA