I suffer from OCD, anxiety, and depression.

My most severe symptom is suddenly being overwhelmed by an indescribably horrible emotional feeling.

It feels like I'm sinking deep into the ground, as if everything is over. I experience overwhelming despair, anxiety, depression, guilt, and a profound sense of loss all at once. Sometimes, this feeling comes out of nowhere, even without any specific intrusive thoughts.

The worst part is that, when my symptoms are severe, this happens almost every 20 minutes. Just when I finally return to a normal state and start going about my day, I get pulled back into that horrible feeling again. This cycle repeats throughout the day, making it almost impossible to function normally.

When this happens, I have to stop whatever I'm doing and stand still because I feel an overwhelming urge to mentally analyze everything. I keep trying to figure out how to return to my previous normal state, almost as if I'm trying to mentally reset myself.

On the other hand, when I'm feeling normal, I don't even think about whether I'm going to fall into that horrible emotional state, and the feeling doesn't occur. But once I become aware of my mental state or start checking whether I'm about to experience that feeling again, the cycle seems to start all over.

I've tried three different SSRIs, each at the maximum dosage for at least six months. They initially helped, but my symptoms eventually became severe again. I'm currently receiving therapy as well, but my symptoms are still extremely distressing.

Has anyone experienced something similar, where intense emotional suffering occurs almost every 20 minutes, forcing you to stop what you're doing and mentally analyze or reset yourself?

If you've experienced anything like this, I'd really appreciate hearing what treatments or approaches helped you.

I’ve been really struggling with OCD recently, and it’s affecting my relationship a lot. It’s gotten to the point where every day I feel awful in my relationship, we do have some problems but I’ve come to the conclusion the things that are making me feel so terrible day to day are all being caused by OCD and not something he’s done. I have a really bad issue with fixating and obsessing over his past, and it’s gotten to the point when I feel weird sleeping with him or wearing jumpers he’s given me because I’m so fixated and obsessed with the girls he’s been with before. Like he gave me a jumper when we first met, and I used to go through his phone EXTENSIVELY because I was convinced he was cheating on me (he’s never done anything to make me think he would cheat) but I was so obsessed with the idea I would spend nearly 3 hours searching his whole phone every night we were together to see if he was cheating and also to see everything from his past…. I know I’m not proud of it. But I found a photo of him with his ex and he was wearing the jumper he gave me and ever since I’ve never been able to wear it or look at it because all I can think about is how another girl has touched this jumper. But I’m really struggling and I’m hurting my relationship because I can’t stop interrogating him about his past, and it got to the point where he said if I keep asking him he’s going to break up with me because he can’t handle talking to me about all these things anymore. And he also knows how much it’s hurting me. And I found out that he slept with a girl on Halloween and he slept with her in this field near his house, and I nearly threw up because I’ve walked through that field with him so much and now the idea of going near it makes me freak out because I know he’s been with another girl there… it was literally 4 years ago btw.

But anyway, I’ve brung up ocd before to him (like small comments not about myself) and he has no idea what it is and thinks it something to do with being clean. And idk if he will be willing to fully understand it if I talk to him about it, especially because it’s something I’ve struggled really badly with my whole life. But it’s kind of gotten to the point where we both feel like the relationship has become really weird and tense and I just keep saying sorry I’m a bit off right now and I feel like I should tell him because it’s affecting me SO much and our relationship.

At first it felt like intrusive harm thoughts, that I’d stab myself even though I didn’t want to. But now I’m holding the knives in my hands and they’re bleeding.

988 has cancelled my conversation twice. I’m actively suicidal and bleeding. Please help me, someone, anyone.

Im really struggling to find an atoms worth of joy or just being content with living. I am not S**idal but as days go by the more I struggle to cope with this deep hatred of living. Today I woke up in extreme anger, to the point of tears because I knew how many hours it will take me to do the compulsions all day. My hobby now is to clean and pray (contamination + scrupulosity) that is it. I dont feel joy or content doing anything. All my past hobbies are gone.

Even something so simple like going to the bathroom or going outside triggers me. Ive become dysfunctional.

What is worse is that no one around me understands, they get annoyed at me, call me dirty and crazy despite me trying so hard to not be, and make fun of the things I do. I hate everyone who doesnt have ocd as a result. I feel like no one can ever understand, they dont even try to. They dismiss it either by insulting or by saying 'im a little ocd too.' My family think ocd is not serious, and make cruel remarks about it. I also work full time, and dread so-so-so hard every single day going there.

Im trying to find some reason to like living but I really cant. I just feel condemned / damned in every way, especially religiously but also by life itself.

There is no one that cares, and no one to care for.

How do you guys find reasons to continue?

I’m going to start by saying i’ve been in therapy for many years, and it has been helping me understand my POCD. POCD is not the same as pedophilia. In fact, I am the least likely person to hurt a child. The thought of hurting a child brings me severe stress every time I get an intrusive thought. I’ve been getting these types of thoughts since i was 13, and I can understand it a lot better and I’m able to confidently say I’m not a pedophile. I was sexually abused as a child. Putting a child through what I went through is something i’d rather be tortured instead of doing. I use to not leave my house when I was 14 because of how severe my intrusive thoughts were. The constant fear I’ll become or I already am the thing I’m most terrified of and disgusted by. Sorry that this is scattered, I’m all over right now. But i wanted to also talk about something sensitive that makes me upset. I hate when sexual predators hide behind the label of POCD. My therapist told me people with POCD are the least likely to commit a crime such. I believe there’s other terms for sexual predators, and I just hate when they misuse mental health terms to try and justify actions. It creates a lot of stigma. If you guys would like, you can share more about this topic or your own stories. :)

i am diagnosed with OCD. been to 3 medical professionals all specializing in ocd. this doesnt FEEL like ocd, it feels very real and logical, but my friends say it is ocd.

“my existence inherently causes harm and if i want to actually prevent harm i need to stop existing. i waste resources just by existing and eating and having shelter. i unintentionally emotionally harm people by existing. i tried to be vegan, drive electric, and try to be nice to help out, but its not enough. i still cause harm. i dont deserve the right to hurt others for my own selfish gain. its selfish im even using a phone right now because it hurts the environment and it was made unethically. i really just want to stop hurting everything and being a bad person but i cant because im so selfish i keep eating and breathing even though it hurts the environment and other people. someone i hate said im actually selfish because i blocked her when she cussed me out, and if i really cared about not causing harm i wouldnt have emotionally harmed her. im too selfish to unblock her because being around her makes me sad and i care about my own sadness more than hers. i just really havent earned my spot in this world and need to just cease to exist to stop hurting people.”

-my brain.

how do i stop this?!? i hate this guilt its eating me alive.

okay but do they panic about them and have to calm themselves by proving it’s not true? give me a break

I am a 39M, father of three, and husband to a wonderful and amazing woman. I am also a police officer with almost 14 years experience in a variety of roles to include Patrol, Narcotics, Investigations, Fugitive, School Resource Officer (SRO), and SWAT. I also have OCD. have suffered from OCD for over 20 years. I wanted to share my journey and recovery story to give hope and encouragement to individuals who suffer from this disorder.

My journey with OCD began in high school around my early teenage years with the involvement in sports. It gradually ebbed and flowed over the years with it reaching horrendously bad levels during my college football career. I found myself lost in a complex web of intrusive thoughts and mental rituals in order to prevent whatever calamity OCD was threatening me with. I dabbled in some therapy and learned to more or less manage it on my own over the years. I have battled almost every theme OCD has to offer. It has been bad at times and I have suffered from flareups. Outwardly, I appear to be a high functioning cop and former football player who is happy-go-lucky. However, inside, I have secretly managed an internal battle that has caused significant distress and suffering throughout my life.

In 2013, I began my law enforcement career. I love helping people, answering calls for service, and protecting the community from predators. I have thoroughly enjoyed my career. For the most part, my OCD has been managed well. However, 2 years ago, after an accumulation of traumatic incidents, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and began experiencing horrifying panic attacks, depersonalization/derealization (DPDR), and would have insomnia so bad I would go days without sleeping at times.

As you can imagine, this flared my OCD up in a way that I have never experienced before: I began experiencing frightening intrusive Harm OCD thoughts, and images. Horrible ego-dystonic thoughts of violence. This scared me more than anything I have ever experienced and felt terrifyingly real. Somehow, God gave me the strength to keep working and performing my job adequately despite the horror show internally.

I sought help. I met with an amazing OCD specialist who helped me so much I can't find the words to thank her. I never engaged in ERP until the past 2 years. It was the scariest experience or my life. I did whatever she told me to do, even the most scary exposure. Many times at work, I would experience a panic attack or DPDR while responding to incidents. When it got real bad, and it did, I thought about my wife, my kids, and love for my community. There were many times I would be laying in my bed clutching the Bible crying my eyes out. I didnt know if I could work anymore. I almost gave up so many times. The Lord continued to give me courage to go on and take one step forward. I remembered Joshua 1:9 from the bible: "This is my command, be strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go"

I looked into medication, and after trial and error, eventually found 40mg Prozac as a good fit. It has lessened the intensity of the thoughts significantly.

I read a book called Turning Points by former Marine and lawyer, Shannon Shy. He also does peer support and I sought help from him through that as well. His advice and strategies were gamechangers for me. His concepts such as 0=0 (all OCD thoughts have zero value), and the concept of "indifference" to the thoughts became critical to my recovery. All OCD thoughts are meaningless brain noise and NOT a reflection of who you are. They always attack what you value most. Training yourself to not engage with OCD thoughts and to be indifferent to their presence was the most important part of my recovery. It was hard, scary, and took lots of practice. I kept trying and kept moving forward. You are always in control of your choices and actions no matter what thoughts and feelings you have.

I also engaged in vigorous exercise, hobbies and anything I can put my mind to. Long walks, kettlebell workouts (my favorite), spending time in scripture, and continuing to engage with friends and family are key. Avoidance is the worst thing you can do as you are strengthening the fear loop in your brain.

My beautiful wife has been a rock to me throughout our 15 year marriage and had been beyond supportive. I could not have recovered without her love and support.

Lastly, my faith in Jesus Christ got me through it. A few other verses that helped me immensely: 2 Tim. 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline". And 1 Tim. 4:18: "There is no fear in love. but perfect love casts out fear". OCD paints a picture of doom and gloom, the exact opposite of s loving God.

Today I am at a place where I do not fear this disorder. I could care less if the thoughts are there or not. I refuse to stop living my life and will not live in fear. If I can do this, you can too! I hope this helps anyone that is suffering and offers hope. Remember, this disorder has no power over you! The light at the end of the tunnel was once so dark I could barely see it but now I am living an amazing life! I am grateful for this experience as it has made me a better man, husband and police officer. I much more compassionate and empathetic towards those that suffer and want to help anyone I can. Please ask me anything. Many things work, the key is to not ever give up and keep moving forward! You got this!

God bless

I decided to take a nap to escape my sexual intrusive thoughts and they showed up even in my dream and in my dream i literally got aroused by something so disgusting and I woke up in panick.What the fuck is this ?!?!This confirms my theory that theres some alternate self of me that could enjoy that shit.I don’t know how to deal with this

I didn't know this existed until recently. It is so important.

Let's remember to lift each other up and spread awareness. Lest we forget, OCD can make people suicidal. It has ended lives. No small potatoes here.

I will continue to pray daily for not only myself, but for everyone with this condition. And I'm praying for a cure too, not just strength to endure.

Let's stand united. <3​

A few weeks ago, a memory from years ago randomly resurfaced. I think it happened around 12th grade when I was 17. I kinda but not entirely might or might not have witnessed one of my classmates doing something very disgusting involving a girl, a significantly younger girl. But here's the thing, I'm not sure who exactly did it, sometimes my mind remembers one classmate but then other times I wonder if it might have been another. And even what they actually did is blurry, my mind is cycling 2 options and both horrify me (though one of them more than the other). I know I was nearby , but I don't rememeber actually seeing it, I just remember the affected girl yelling "Ew!" and then another classmate saying that this other guy had done one of the two things I'm thinking about. .

Yes, what I remember for sure happened is this: one of the two classmates I'm suspecting called for that girl to come to him and I and the others who were with him thought he wanted to prank her. The girl came with one or two friends and then the classmate did...something that I didn't see and the girl yelled "Ew!" and one of her friends called for a teacher to come and we walked away. I don't remember how the affected girl or her friends looked like, or even which one of the two classmates who I'm thinking about might have done it. Nobody who was present reported anything, and I didn't see if a teacher did actually arrive where the girls were. If they did, they didn't report anything either.

I'm not going to say here what the 2 things that I'm thinking one of my classmates might have done were, but if it turns out this isn't a false memory and either of them actually happened...I feel I forfeited my right to live for being a coward who didn't report it. There's also the possibility this is a false memory and the prank that made the girl go "Ew!" was gross but nothing too bad and this is all just me feeding my OCD which for years has been trying to convince me I'm a horrible person who's better off dead. Please help.

Does anyone else feel like they can't talk to anyone about OCD? I have been struggling with how a particular situation transpired regarding my OCD, and when I try to talk about it with my family or therapist, their responses seem dismissive. I know they aren't supposed to provide reassurance and all that bullshit, but I just want to be able to talk through how the situation went without them telling me “that's OCD talking.” I'm feeling as lonely as ever.

This has become such a big issue for me I honestly can’t tell if this is true or just my brain convincing me of this.

On paper I have no issue making friends and I am generally a very out going person. During social situations I will be having such a fun time but after hanging out with anyone (new friends or long time friends) I have horrible anxiety and feel deeply that everyone hates me and that i’m annoying. It causes me such deep distress. In the moment talking to people feels fun but when it’s over I think about everthing I said and how everyone must hate me so much because i’m so annoying. it makes me never want to talk to anyone ever again. Has anyone else experienced this?

How many of you have experienced this? Where one theme is temporarily replaced by another? Only one usually takes center stage...reminds me of that whack-a-mole game in arcades.

Anybody else?

Having a crush with ocd sucks, it makes everything about wether they like you or not. If you look too much you've scared them off, if you don't look enough it shows your not intrested. If u do or dont wear nail polish it means they do or don't like you. Also because i'm a woman with a crush on a woman it fixates on that and their sexuality and everytime it sees a couple it says it them. I don't know there sexuality or if there dating someone but it is so annoying and draining and makes me second guess everything. It also said if i posted this it would have negative consequences so i'm at my limit.

hi i want to keep this brief as im actively feeling extremely anxious. i dont know what it is about nighttime, but the second the sun sets its like i go into a state of fight or flight. the rumination is insane, i cant focus on anything, its ridiculous. i’m actively in therapy trying to work on everything, and taking all the advice given by my therapist. but i think sometimes it’s helpful to hear from people who understand. i try to stay off my phone and off of social media. i try to relax and do simple activities to distract my brain (like sketching or reading). idk any advice will be greatly appreciated. thank you

I personally get really triggered by it. I don't understand the enjoyment of watching someone who is obviously neurodivergent get dogpiled on the internet. I'm not saying these people are perfect by any means, but it makes me feel extremely uneasy to see people find an excuse to mock and harass other living human beings online.

I get these intrusive thoughts that these people would eat me alive if I had an online presence. I was bullied in school for being neurodivergent, and lolcow culture just seems like the online equivalent.

Mix this in with moral, harm, and real event OCD, it's a combo from hell. Also I do admit I sometimes watch lolcow content as a compulsion, and it feels like I'm harming myself mentally from it.

Does anyone else get this of guilty feeling when you’re happy with OCD? If so, how did you combat it? The traditional “exposure therapies” and such don’t really help with this. All the negative thoughts just accumulate and make me believe I am horrible, which I’m sure a lot of you here can relate to.

When I have a really good day, I get this horrible weight of guilt, like I don’t deserve it. Almost like I’m an imposter in my own happiness. It’s like I believe that I’m “tainted” and pure, wholesome joy is something I don’t deserve. Some stuff happened to me when I was a kid, which caused me to develop OCD, which may play a part in the guilt aspect.

Does anyone else experience this? If so, what do you do to combat this feeling?

Like eveytime I feel like I'm doing better, my brain finds something to worry about, even if its completely fine up until that point. It's like I NEED soemthing to worry about and I can't just exist normally XD