u/Awkward_Finding937

i dont know what to do. please dont give me reassurance because i want advice and i dont want this post to be taken down.

but im 18 and for the last 6 years ive occassionally looked at hentai/rule 34 of anime or cartoon characters that were 13-17 years old. for a lot of this time (since it was from when i was 12-18) i was either younger than these characters or around the same age. i know im not a pedophile because i have 0 real world attraction to people under my own age so i think the reason why im attarcted to certain characters is because of seeing them as peers? but i still ruminate on pocd a ton. i never saw it as morally wrong becausr i was thinking i was just looking at peers and i had no idea about the law at all for years.

but the problem is that im in canada and this is technically completely illegal according to the criminal code. i didnt know and i didnt mean to harm anyone and i never did. i dont know what to do. a canadian criminal defense lawyer on reddit told me it wasnt anything that the law really worries about but i still doubt.

but i dont know what to do. is this even an ocd problem at this point? im 18 and im about to go to university, should i go see a lawyer and ruin my life and get a criminal record for the sake of accountability and responsibility? and will telling this to a therapist make them call the police on me? but if i keep this just to myself then how do i live with the guilt of technically being a criminal and technically legally supposrd to be being in jail. how am i supposed to live with that? someone please please please help me

this disorder is from fucking hell. im only 18 but i hope that me and you and all of us who are struggling can feel better and live happy fulfilling lives even with ocd. i hope who ever is reading this has a good day

help me. im 18. i dont want to explain so much of the situation or the theme because i dont want reassurance but im really afraid im a criminal. i cant know unless i speak to a lawyer which i probably cant do for at least a month. i cant think straight. i feel numb and horrified at the same time. how can i be okay with the uncertainty that i may or may not be a criminal? wouldnt anyone and everyone be horrified and anxious if they thought they might be a criminal? please i need help. i cant live my life properly anymore i cant function

i ruminated and was in a POCD spiral for 6 hours straight last night and this morning again for an hour. im mostly feeling okay now but im sick of this. this sucks

im kind of new to enneagram so i might not know as much as you guys and i might say incorrect things or sound like i dont know what im talking about, so please bear with me for a second

but basically ive typically identified with 4w5 and particularly so4. but i dont really identify with the typical descriptions online of what a so4 looks like. like i used to feel really shameful about a lot of things and hating myself, with self deprecation and like so much inferiority. id feel way more likely to feel sad or shameful and envious than the average person. it didnt consume like my whole entire day, i could still be happy but thats just something that would happen a lot.

however past few months ive recently felt healthier. i dont feel very shameful or envious anymore. ive accepted things and thought things through and i cant really feel depressed or suicidal anymore. i feel like my life is worth living and that i dont have to feel shameful or inferior about my weaknesses because everyone is dealt different cards in life.

BUT i still identify with aspects of 4 like being very very emotionally aware or like overthinking, or like always thinking about my identity and stuff, or feeling so different from everyone else still and still worrying a lot about what others think of me.

so TLDR basically my main questions are that do you have to be unhealthily envious, shameful, sad, anxious, and self hating to identify with SO4??? does healthy SO4 exist????? what would that look like???? am i not even E4 at all????

again sorry for my stupidity on enneagram i am probably quite clueless

so im trying to set up osap but they want the distance from my house to the university of guelph, whether or not its less than or greater than 30km. i assume that they mean the straight line distance. the problem is that my house is like borderline 30.84 km away on google maps, but thats to the red point of the university on google maps.

do they want the distance from the edge of the university??? or the center of the university??? what does osap consider the university even???? is the 30km distance the distance between your house and the nearest point of university-owned-land??? because uoguelph has this huge arboretum in the way of the straight line between the campus and my house and it decreases the distance from my house to the university to 29.33 km.

check your email

so i am an incoming grade 12 and i have no idea what to do. id be commuting from milton.

my financial situation is that my family has about $39k in RESP and from what it says on the OSAP aid estimator i would be getting about ~$4,600 from grants and ~$6,500 in loans if i commute and stay at home. if i do residence i get ~$5,700 in grants and ~$15,100 in loans. i did the entrance financial needs assessment form but i have no idea how much money theyre gonna give me.

i know the commute from milton to uoguelph has somewhat of a direct bus i believe. but idk is residence worth it? im currently #454 on the residence waitlist and i think i have a decent chance of getting in i think. my mom is extremely oppositional to residence though and taking on any student loan debt. i have no idea if her concerns are valid, or if im crazy for wanting residence. i think it would be impossible to convince her anyways. i just have no clue what to do i dont really know what is the right decision.

i also know that people do residence for the social aspect but ive got a bunch of social anxiety and i probably wont be talking to many people or making really any major friends so i dont think i should consider social life in my decision.

does anyone have any insight or anything? is residence worth the money? is commuting from milton by bus worth saving the money? thanks (also correct me if im wrong on anything ive said here because i really know nothing)

i keep seeing posts about people talking about how they were doing completely ass in grade 9 or 10 or 11 and then they had a comeback in grade 12 and got a 97 average or got into mac life sci or something. i just kept getting worse and worse. i dont know what is wrong with me. now i have 50s in two stem courses this semester.

i have bad symptoms of adhd and i never study or feel urgency anymore. ive been like this for 2 years and i always feel numb at home when it comes to work and its always just me waking up in the morning regretting doing nothing even though i want to work so badly. i used to hate myself a lot and i guess i have learned to forgive myself and be more optimistic but idrk what i feel now.

i guess that things are okay because i got into my top choice and my average cant go down and im still gonna graduate. but my top choice is just some random biology program at guelph. i wanna go into research or do vet school. and yeah i really wanna do the program ad guelph is my top choice but i feel bad because its not prestigious at all like mac life sci or uoft life sci. it feels like a fallback even though i guess i know its not.

i just feel like i dont even deserve to win. i got what i wanted but i got rejected from 6 programs out of 10. got into 3 at guelph and 1 laurier.

i guess i am getting mental help now with a social worker at my school and theyre gonna get me a mental health nurse but idrk. what if i just fail in first year uni and fuck it all up again. idk.

does anyone else relate or something. or is anyone else like not a 95 average. or at least is anyone else going to guelph. idek why im making this post here. maybe im selfish and want attention

is it tied to after you accept your offer or is it sometime in june?

weird situation i have the opposite problem of everyone

or should i just wait until the last minute to accept it. out of the 3 i applied to im 95% sure on what program i wanna do and theyre all in CBS. but idk maybe my decision will change? i have until june 1st

i was originally set on accepting my marine and freshwater bio offer because its quite similar to zoology and it has co-op. but idrk. im also debating on molecular biology and genetics.

im not really sure what i wanna do for my actual career. at least right now, i feel like i would want a more lab based job with like microbiology, molecular biology, genetics, biotech, etc.

i know it sounds like itd be dumb to pick marine bio or zoology over molecular bio if i want my career to be in molecular bio, but my logic is that i feel like im more interested in learning zoology as a subject than actually doing any zoology related careers, like wildlife or conservation or ecology and population dynamics stuff.

while for molecular bio im a bit less interested in learning it as a subject but i would rather have a career in it because its probably easier to find a job and i do like doing lab stuff more than field research.

now what i could do is do a molecular biology major and zoology minor, or marine and freshwater bio major and molecular bio or microbio minor. i guess for grad school your bsc major name doesnt matter much anyways i think. vet school is also something that is on the table for me but im aware that thats mostly like animal experience and stuff, not your major

so idrk what i should pick. ALSO plz let me know if something in here that im saying makes 0 sense or is incorrect or i said something stupid or something because i tend to do that.

im in grade 12 and im trying to decide between zoology and marine and freshwater bio. they are almost the exact same course wise in 1st to 3rd year and only differenciate in 4th year.

marine and freshwater bio has co-op and zoology doesnt. i know that i can switch majors easily and reapply to co-op during 1st year but idrk. is co-op worth the price and the money you make?

wouldnt it take the same job hunt and effort to find someplace to find some kind of research position over the summer and without the co-op fees??? or idk maybe co-op will force me to take initiative and find a job, ive got horrible social anxiousness and im too introveted and socially awkward so i havent even been able to push through and get just a part time job.

and also idek if the 5th year for co-op is necessary if i plan on grad school or vet school (i know vet school is super experience based so idek??). wouldnt i be kinda delaying graduation for not much reason?

and also i guess maybe marine and freshwater bio is the best thing to choose right now because it provides the most flexibility due to co-op and the courses are the exact same.

sorry if anything im saying is unclear. lmk if you have no idea what im saying because i am about to fall asleep writing this

everything got worse. probably cuz i cant function sometimes due to mental issues. but everyone got better. everyone went from 70s to 95s and 100s. i was already horrible in grade 11 with a 79%, now im even worse. hell everyone around me already had 90 averages in grade 11. people at my school have 98s in like grade 10

not sure because i know job market sucks and i dont wanna end having a job doing like waste management oe something