u/FrequentVolume4611

Hi everyone. I'm a 23 female. I'm completely overwhelmed and don't know where else to turn.

I experienced severe emotional abuse around toilet training as a young child. After wetting the bed for months, my mother would wake me up, strip my clothes off, force me to sit on the wet bed, and yell at me. In preschool I wet my pants frequently, and adults would make fun of me (they probably didn't mean to be cruel, but it was humiliating).
When I was in elementary school, long before puberty and before I even understood what sex was, I became fascinated by stories or videos of children having accidents. I would seek them out and sometimes experience leg squeezing/masturbating that I didn't understand at the time.

After puberty, my sexuality developed in what felt like a completely different direction. I've only been romantically and sexually attracted to adult men. I've had relationships with adult men, had normal sexual arousal, and for more than ten years this childhood association barely affected my life.

A month ago, I accidentally came across a video of a child having an accident and noticed an automatic feeling of arousal. It completely shattered me. Since then I've become obsessed with what it means. I feel trapped in an endless cycle.

What makes this so hard is that I can't deny the reaction happened. At the same time, in real life I interact with children completely normally. I don't automatically think about accidents, I've never wanted to involve a child in anything sexual or romantic, and I've never intentionally put a child in that situation. My values are completely against harming children.

This has triggered severe depression and anxiety. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts almost every day, and my symptoms became so debilitating that I had to take medical leave from school.

I’m receiving treatment for POCD, but I still can’t shake the fear that I’m a pedophile because the bodily reaction did actually happen.

I can’t accept that this childhood association exists at all. How am I supposed to live with it, and is it still possible for me to recover?

Hi everyone. I'm a 23 female. I'm completely overwhelmed and don't know where else to turn.

I experienced severe emotional abuse around toilet training as a young child. After wetting the bed for months, my mother would wake me up, strip my clothes off, force me to sit on the wet bed, and yell at me. In preschool I wet my pants frequently, and adults would make fun of me (they probably didn't mean to be cruel, but it was humiliating).
When I was in elementary school, long before puberty and before I even understood what sex was, I became fascinated by stories or videos of children having accidents. I would seek them out and sometimes experience leg squeezing/masturbating that I didn't understand at the time.

After puberty, my sexuality developed in what felt like a completely different direction. I've only been romantically and sexually attracted to adult men. I've had relationships with adult men, had normal sexual arousal, and for more than ten years this childhood association barely affected my life.

A month ago, I accidentally came across a video of a child having an accident and noticed an automatic feeling of arousal. It completely shattered me. Since then I've become obsessed with what it means. I feel trapped in an endless cycle.

What makes this so hard is that I can't deny the reaction happened. At the same time, in real life I interact with children completely normally. I don't automatically think about accidents, I've never wanted to involve a child in anything sexual or romantic, and I've never intentionally put a child in that situation. My values are completely against harming children. I don't know whether this is trauma-related fetish, OCD, both, or something else.

Hi everyone. I'm a 23 female. I'm completely overwhelmed and don't know where else to turn.

I experienced severe emotional abuse around toilet training as a young child. After wetting the bed for months, my mother would wake me up, strip my clothes off, force me to sit on the wet bed, and yell at me. In preschool I wet my pants frequently, and adults would make fun of me (they probably didn't mean to be cruel, but it was humiliating).
When I was in elementary school, long before puberty and before I even understood what sex was, I became fascinated by stories or videos of children having accidents. I would seek them out and sometimes experience leg squeezing/masturbating that I didn't understand at the time.

After puberty, my sexuality developed in what felt like a completely different direction. I've only been romantically and sexually attracted to adult men. I've had relationships with adult men, had normal sexual arousal, and for more than ten years this childhood association barely affected my life.

A month ago, I accidentally came across a video of a child having an accident and noticed an automatic feeling of arousal. It completely shattered me. Since then I've become obsessed with what it means. I feel trapped in an endless cycle.

What makes this so hard is that I can't deny the reaction happened. At the same time, in real life I interact with children completely normally. I don't automatically think about accidents, I've never wanted to involve a child in anything sexual or romantic, and I've never intentionally put a child in that situation. My values are completely against harming children. I don't know whether this is trauma-related fetish, OCD, both, or something else.

Hi everyone. I'm a 23 female. I'm completely overwhelmed and don't know where else to turn.

I experienced severe emotional abuse around toilet training as a young child. After wetting the bed for months, my mother would wake me up, strip my clothes off, force me to sit on the wet bed, and yell at me. In preschool I wet my pants frequently, and adults would make fun of me (they probably didn't mean to be cruel, but it was humiliating).
When I was in elementary school, long before puberty and before I even understood what sex was, I became fascinated by stories or videos of children having accidents. I would seek them out and sometimes experience leg squeezing/masturbating that I didn't understand at the time.

After puberty, my sexuality developed in what felt like a completely different direction. I've only been romantically and sexually attracted to adult men. I've had relationships with adult men, had normal sexual arousal, and for more than ten years this childhood association barely affected my life.

A month ago, I accidentally came across a video of a child having an accident and noticed an automatic feeling of arousal. It completely shattered me. Since then I've become obsessed with what it means. I feel trapped in an endless cycle.

What makes this so hard is that I can't deny the reaction happened. At the same time, in real life I interact with children completely normally. I don't automatically think about accidents, I've never wanted to involve a child in anything sexual or romantic, and I've never intentionally put a child in that situation. My values are completely against harming children. I don't know whether this is trauma-related fetish, OCD, both, or something else.

I’m a 23-year-old woman, and I’m going through a severe mental health crisis related to something that happened in my childhood.

When I was very young, I experienced repeated humiliation and emotional abuse around toilet training, bedwetting, and having accidents. My mother would sometimes pull me out of bed after I wet it, remove my clothes, force me to sit in the wet spot, and continue yelling at me even when I cried. I also had frequent accidents during my first year of preschool and was sometimes teased by adults about it.

Starting in early childhood, I developed a very specific fascination with situations involving other children desperately needing to use the bathroom or having accidents. Before I understood anything about sexuality, I would look for stories or videos involving those situations, have fantasies about being a teacher or observer, and sometimes engage in self-stimulatory behaviors such as crossing or squeezing my legs.

As I grew older, this interest became much less important. After puberty, my romantic and sexual attraction clearly developed toward adult men. I have had crushes, relationships with men, and normal sexual arousal involving adults. For more than ten years, the childhood association barely affected my life. I did not actively search for this content, it was not my main fantasy, and I never wanted to hurt a child or make a child hold their urine in real life. In real situations, I strongly believe children should always be allowed to use the bathroom and should never be humiliated for accidents.

A few weeks ago, however, I accidentally came across a video of a child trying to hold their urine and then having an accident. I noticed some sexual arousal, and something in my mind completely collapsed.

The confusing part is that this association existed for most of my life without significantly affecting my behavior or daily functioning. I was living normally, attending graduate school, maintaining relationships, and planning my future. Then one accidental video suddenly turned it into a moral and identity crisis.

I now feel deeply ashamed and contaminated, as though having this association means I am fundamentally disgusting or dangerous, even though I have never harmed a child, do not want to harm a child, and would never allow these situations to happen intentionally in real life. My depression and anxiety have become so severe that I recently withdrew from all of my classes. At my worst, I have felt as though I do not deserve to live.

Please be thoughtful in your responses. I am currently emotionally vulnerable and am looking for perspective and recovery-oriented support, not condemnation or an online diagnosis.