u/Successful-Coyote631

I am very skilled at my job. Everyone tells me what a great job I’m doing. I get lots of recognition. I’m smart, impressive, funny and laid back. I work remote so I can mask much more easily. I’m married. Good salary. I own a house. I am, by all measures, “successful.” This is how I survived.

But when I am not in 9-5 mode where I can focus on something else and BE someone else, I fall apart. Screaming crying shaking hyperventilating flashbacks, telling my spouse I want a divorce, can’t leave the house because my anxiety is so high. Difficulty maintaining friendships because I feel so alone in what I deal with. Of the friends who know about my struggles, they think I’m either exaggerating, wanting attention, or should have checked into a mental hospital already because they don’t understand. Sometimes being around people in person feels like staring straight into the sun.

It’s not all the time but it’s often enough and gotten worse this year. For a while I was doing much better.

I’m in therapy twice a week and about to start group therapy. I’m on some meds that may or may not be doing anything but when I try new ones I go from bad to worse.

So I go through absolute hell in my off hours, and then Monday morning I shake it off, lock in, and I’m a corporate superstar.

I feel fucking insane.

I feel like I hadn’t heard anyone talk about it for the last 20 years and now it seems to be all over Reddit and pop culture. Could be confirmation bias but just curious what those within the field think.

And what happened to you isn’t your fault.

Just wanted you to hear that if you needed it today.

I’m really struggling with this. I’m deep in trauma and attachment work with my therapist and I trust her a lot but unfortunately I’m also attracted to her. I don’t want anything from this — in fact I want to not experience this at all.

But it causes me enough ongoing distress and shame (about my sexuality, about other relational wounds) that I feel like I need to tell her. I just would also rather hide in shame than confess it. I’m afraid she will be put off and withdraw from me or terminate me.

So: if I word this appropriately (I don’t want anything from you on this, I want to address how much distress this causes me) do you think I can still preserve the relationship? Or is there always a risk it’s going to cause such an ick that it alters things forever. Because if that’s the case then I will just suffer in silence rather than risk the relationship that is otherwise very therapeutic and meaningful to me.

I’m really struggling with this. I’m deep in trauma and attachment work with my therapist and I trust her a lot but unfortunately I’m also attracted to her. I don’t want anything from this — in fact I want to not experience this at all.

But it causes me enough ongoing distress and shame (about my sexuality, about other relational wounds) that I feel like I need to tell her. I just would also rather hide in shame than confess it. I’m afraid she will be put off and withdraw from me or terminate me.

So: if I word this appropriately (I don’t want anything from you on this, I want to address how much distress this causes me) do you think I can still preserve the relationship? Or is there always a risk it’s going to cause such an ick that it alters things forever. Because if that’s the case then I will just suffer in silence rather than risk the relationship that is otherwise very therapeutic and meaningful to me.