r/CPTSD_NSCommunity

I have CPTSD (like we all do) and started EMDR around October '23 after a major PTSD relapse. I did EMDR with that therapist until February '25. At that time, she had to move and get a new job due to life circumstances. I was absolutely devastated and it felt like the end of the world. Somehow, I made it through. I couldn't find a perfect replacement for her but I somehow managed to find someone I could continue the work with. I then reached all my EMDR goals by October '25, roughly 2 years from when I first started EMDR.

However, I didn't exactly get a break from life. Some work stuff happened that was massively triggering and I had to navigate that for 4-5 months. Finally, as of April '26, I'm in a much better place at work and in life. Everything feels so much calmer and I feel safer and more alive.

This has made me realize how empty my day to day life has become over these past few years. EMDR and the trauma work took up so much space that I lost touch with my local friends circle. Some people also moved away and I didn't get around to making new friends. Now, I'm in a place where I finally have the energy and motivation to interact with the outside world again but have no idea where or how to start.

I live abroad and have a dysfunctional family, who I only visit for 2 weeks in the year. I do have a couple of close friends where I live, but they're caught up in their own lives. Most of the people I consider safe and close are a 7+ hour flight away. I do manage to meet them 1-2 times a year but that's it.

All the inner work I've done has also made me realize how lonely my life is. All these years, I think I probably adapted to it because I've been lonely my entire life. I thought it was normal and I didn't have a choice. Now, I want things to change because I'm tired of being alone, but I don't know how to do it as an adult. I'm 32 (and single), which is also an age where it's much harder to make new friends. Most people my age are busy with family and kids, so its hard to make plans with people I know through work.

Has anyone been in a similar position? How do you get started to start doing something different and re-learning to socialize after all the inner work?

My family created a rumor that I cheated on my partner. I'm wrecked. This is going to be a long one.

My mom has BPD and my whole life was a tailspin. It was hell. We were physically, psychologically and emotionally abused. Her choice of partner was explosive and abusive and further wrecked her mental health.

My life never really stopped spinning. There were years where I coped better and years that I coped worse. My childhood was spent seeing my family as potential saviors then slowly realizing how they too treated my mom poorly and could not be trusted. She would also affirm these things and tell me about how they'd treat her badly and I could see alot of it for myself but was always drawn because my mom wasn't a nice person to us either.

I went on this journey in my life in early adulthood of mending my family relationships and trying to strengthen ties as a now independent adult. This meant boundaries with the people who had hurt me but also building and learning people as my adult self as opposed to just 'child of my mother's. My relationship with mom quickly crumbled. She felt like i couldnt love her as herself and she resented that i expected her to change(how she interacted with me), with the straw that broke the camels back being my request to her:

"I love you but life is getting hard for me right now and my bandwidth is low. When you call me please ask me if I'm able to be your support in that moment, before you offload about every bad thing happening in your life and what you expect me to do about it. "

That boundary was apparently enough. She blew up and i closed up. My mom and I became estranged.

Now for my family I'd hoped that they'd embrace me. They knew her, knew me, knew a bit about how id grown up. There were alot of strange interactions with them. They'd call me and ask about my life. If share that i was depressed and having trouble and they'd say this like "and what about your partner, do they still love you?". These little comments would raise a little flag in my head like.. huh?.. why would a bit of depression make my partner not love me?

They'd give me advice against common sense. We were having an infant and had been spending so much money commuting and traveling and thought of buying a car and they advised us against it despite having one themselves. They'd be super friendly with my partner while cold to me and our child. They were outwardly very open to us as a couple but not to me as family. For that there was no connection or intimacy between us. They'd give me an unsettled feeling in my stomach just being around them. Like when you're isolated in a forest and hear an unknown sound. But I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.. I'm so pathetic and desperate that I ran through all of the red flags and just pushed forward. I invited them into our lives and tried to show up for them. My partner would tell me about things they said or did that were making him uncomfortable. An unmarried cousin with no normal contact with my partner messaged them out of the blue to try and meet them alone one day. They'd make other comments and gestures and partner would side eye me but would respect my choice to keep them around despite it all.

They'd tell me my friends werent trustworthy. They'd progressively make odd comments about my marriage, my weight, my goals and dreams. Insinuating that my doomscrolling online could be a sign of looking for other partners(wtf???). They always seemed to be around more to monitor my life then to actively be part of it. I STILL ignored my instincts and tried to build. I just thought to myself that i was getting remnants of their hatred of my mom. That they were projection onto me the same things that they'd say about my mom. She was promiscuous, crazy, volatile, irrational. And i thought that i could love them and be open until they saw me for me, because I'm nothing like my mom. I'm none of those things. I was sure they'd see it. None of this was a big enough red flag to me especially if they still loved me and said the words I wanted to hear, but It seemed more and more that they were really just bent on drawing parallels with my mom and i. It was getting to me feeling unseen and I was starting to believe them. Throughout this all im in therapy and discussing all of this weekly in much more detail to my horrified therapist.

I slowly realized that mom maybe didn't break on her own. She likely wasn't just born with BPD... she grew up with these people and they likely had a hands in what broke her. So I slowly realized I had on rosy glasses and that because of my hopes I wasn't acknowledging the red flags in my family and how they were treating me. I fought so hard to deny the damage it was doing to me mentally and emotionally but eventually I realized I was in a toxic swamp and needed out. I blamed myself and struggled alot with the decision but finally went low contact until it all died. Some trailed on for a bit until they realized that I was not providing access or detail into my life and they sure were never sharing with me so it just faded away. No big bomb of a fight or anything.

I could never understand why they were this way to me. I still dont but now, a few years later I'm with a new therapist. Its come up that I don't speak to anyone in my family and I've been hesitant to open the topic because I know im the common denominator and I honestly still blame myself in my heart. Like I should have just made myself smaller or let things go. Just keep the peace.

This has caused me to ruminate about everything again and what I could have done differently. And somehow all of these years later after ruminating on conversations and exchanges that happened years ago, i've started to see things differently. The one family member I had kept in touch with, my sister, had been making off comments during this time as well but less often and I could never quite connect it to make any sense. She would say things like "you don't deserve your life". Stuff that completely would break my heart and come from nowhere. They could never explain.

There'd be periods where we didnt talk until i would just pretend to be over what they'd say just to save the relationship. She'd be convinced of infidelity on behalf of her wife. They'd fight pretty viciously and id offer sis a place to stay and she'd say things like "I can't go there, what if my issues cause a problem between you and your partner".

I just couldnt understand? How could your issues affect my marriage? They'd say other things in this vein and a the only family member id speak to after estrangement with the rest of the family. I couldn't connect the dots. I finally realized my family has been creating rumors that I'm just like my mom, promiscuous, unfaithful. That i have been cheating on my angel of a partner. They'd ask been saying this and applying their rumors while watching my live and my interacting with my partner like a soap opera. That's why they felt 'in my life but apart'. That's why they were stand offish and judgemental but still invite us to everything. That's why they'd call me and ask about my life never sharing about theirs. I stress this to you, readers.

I ABSOLUTELY NEVER cheated on my partner. They know me inside out and I have been with them almost longer then I've been without them. I love them and have been fully committed to them always and I still am.

I cant understand how or why they did it? What did it stem from? And even worse? Why do i feel guilty??? Almost like the truth doesn't even matter if people all treat you like they know better and treat you as such. How can I prove i never ever did that? How can i prove it didnt happen???

Why would they put that on me? Only now through therapy have I been able to connect all the dots. And it all happened years ago. But I've been walking up at night all of these years later thinking of it. I don't think anyone at all is going to read any of this but if you did I'm sorry. I know it sounds all very one sided and it really is because they would all make comments under cover and no one every directly confronted me and connected the dots for me on why.

I feel shame and guilt and embarrassment for something i didn't even do. What do I do to make this happen to me and make when the people closest to me hurt me? And how pathetic was I to stay despite knowing that they didn't feel like safe people? I feel ashamed of myself and I hate it because I didn't do it but I know there's nothing I can do to prove it. THEY WANT TO believe this. They never brought it to me, asked, or questioned. They wanted it to be fact and because of that the real facts don't matter. And i guess it gave a reason to be cruel/cold/distant/competitive and judgemental towards me? It almost feels like they had nothing so chose to make something up. To have something that makes them feel superior to me? Like that makes no sense to me. But why?? Why would humans related to you.. family.. do this for no gain? Why make up a story? Is there the driving force to split us up, isolate me? What is it that I did to cause this? I wish they would just tell me?

I honestly don't understand. It has to be something in me and I hate myself. Even my own family doesn't love me.

It seems like I am hurt by everything socially, looking for slights, disrespect, any sign of disapproval. I also get a lot of negative feedback, I think I am healing, and the public senses that I am almost out of the woods and they want to kick me back down. Sounds paranoid, but that's because I'm paranoid. Please... Help me... 🙃

IFS blended with exiles? Am I just walking around feeling the unresolved pain from my childhood, again and again and again? I have grieved and grieved and it seems like, ya know. That endless pit.

Do I need to do active imagination? Would it be dangerous to engage with these parts while deep in the trenches of their old pain?

I try to allow, but it is just like... So so much pain, like I'm on fire, and there is more fire... And the. More and more fire. 😅

I have written in CPTSD communities in the past about my experience with family dynamics and the neglect, abandonment and abusive that was caused by the adults in my life.

I, 32f, have always known something was off about me and how my family is. We cant discuss things that have happened in the past. There is no accountability, no apologies or acknowledgement for the hurt and pain that was put on me at such a young age. When it has been brought up, it is met with you need to stop living in the past, you are always doing this, you cant just get over it, and my favorite, you are so dramatic.

This past weekend I had breakfast with my dad for his birthday. All was well until something was said about a huge falling out that happened between his wife and i. She accused me of emotionally abusing my youngest niece- which didnt happen- and said that she felt like i hurt my niece to get back at her for my parents divorce- that happened 21 years ago. And that caused a complete separation because she called me a liar, said I was making things up and refused to even acknowledge she hurt me.

So my dad said that he hopes I can find peace with all of this and come back to the family, he wants me around and involved. And i just looked at him like he was smoked. Nothing has changed, no effort has been made towards having a more functioning relationship. I have been in therapy consistently for over 6 years, and have been doing ketamine therapy which has really helped me. Inner child work and really pin pointing the pivotal moments. He doesn't know anything about it because he cant be trusted with any information about me. We chatted about this and i got pretty upset. He lectured me on what I needed to work on, how I could fix this and what I needed to get over and find peace. But nothing about what either of them were doing. About how they were gonna fix anything. Last year I told my dad- no one protected me as a kid. He said with no hesitation, well you have your husband now. I reminded him of this and he said I didnt say that. Par for the course. I affirmed it and he said I cant believe I said that and I was so insensitive, im sorry for that. For my dad, apologies come easy. It is the change that never comes. After talking about this for an hour, he looked at me in the eye amd said I do not get your side. I cannot understand. I said if me telling you the issues outright isn't enough, I cant do anymore. Its your turn.

The words I left him with were, I am tired of the people who are supposed to love me being the ones that hurt me, think so low of me and just throw me away when things get hard. Think about it, what do I have to gain from lying? Ive lost everything because of this bs. And he genuinley looked like he didnt care. I am just beyond it at this point.

TLDR: I suspect I experience certain symptoms of bpd especially in interpersonal relationships but it feels quite mixed with my other cptsd symptoms so it's hard to tell them apart, but I notice bpd a lot more when I started splitting and turned from love to hate when dealing with feeling hurt or betrayed or invalidated in relationships. Those of you who have comorbid cptsd and bpd, or suspect that you might - how do you experience the symptoms and how do you cope? How do you cope with splitting and intense rage against someone you love just moments ago?

I have been working on my cptsd for many years but I always suspected that bpd manifests in my life as well, especially in close relationships. When i get an emotional flashback from a fight or a trigger relating to a relationship with someone, like eg my partner, I usually regress into a very scared child who feels an intense need to fawn (appease the person) or flight (run away to cry and self isolate). but then other times I get intense rage attacks and I become extremely angry and resentful towards the person whose actions or words I perceive as threat, betrayal or intentionally hurtful, and then I think I start splitting. Sometimes I get a mix of both - emotional flashback mixed with some splitting. Today it was a slightly new expression of symptoms where i experienced only a little bit of emotional flashback (regressing back to a hurt and sad child) and mostly I feel myself splitting - I woke up this morning loving my partner and seeking connections, but we had a fight about something and I couldn't help but interpret his reaction to me as extremely mean and intentionally hurtful and I started to hate him and rage intensely. Nothing physical happened only some shouting - everything was internalised and even though on the surface I have calmed down and stopped crying I feel very stuck and in a way dissociated but mostly in hatred and in the splitting mode.

I don't split that much in other aspects of life - eg. i don't see the world as black and white, I cope well with dualities or at least I am getting much better with it, I don't tend to see people in black and white terms unless we become close, but a sign is that I have had a fallen out with almost every single close friend I made since 19 - I have a few close friends now but I met them after I started therapy a few years ago. I feel like I split mostly in intimate romantic relationships - when a person who supposedly love me but lets me down intensely or makes me feel hurt.

To include other potential symptoms of bpd I’ve noticed outside of relationship dynamics: I feel chronically empty inside but I don’t really self harm and I only have passive suicidal ideation. I do feel intense negative emotions only when I get an emotional flashback - I struggle to feel intense positive emotions though - I do feel numb and shut down a lot - so that’s a mix of both I think. I dissociate quite a lot - mostly through self-numbing activities. my self esteem is stable and chronically low and not attached a lot to other people's view of me - so more cptsd in that sense I guess. my trauma is mostly related to childhood emotional neglect and constant instability

Those of you who have comorbid cptsd and bpd, or suspect that you might - how can you tell that you have both? How do you experience the symptoms and how do you cope? How do you cope with splitting and intense rage against someone you love just moments ago?

Hey folks! I was wondering if anyone here deals with sensory overstimulation (particularly noise/visual movement), particularly from other people, and has had any success in becoming less reactive over time?

I've had misophonia for a long time, and within the past few years developed similar reactivity towards repetitive motions. I know that sometimes these sensitivities are due to neurodivergence, but I also know it's pretty significantly trauma-related for me. Specifically, my primary abuser would constantly make noise, sing, talk to herself, whisper, etc, and would get very angry with me and start doing it more out of spite (her words) when I would ask her to stop or get upset. My guess is, whether or not the original sensitivity was neurodivergence or just a toddler being irritated at a noise, her aggression towards my discomfort caused it to get worse and more concentrated.

It's always been a huge issue for me with socializing and taking public transit and all, but recently it's unbearable for a different reason- I'm recently roommates with one of my best friends, which has been lovely and so so helpful in a lot of ways for me processing trauma. However, she does quite a bit of repetitive movement/stimming when we're talking, and she also hums while doing things/going about the house.

She's fully aware of my sensitivities and will stop when I ask, but a lot of it is her just doing them subconsciously without realizing, and I worry about it becoming irritating for me to keep asking. Aside from that though, I'm just sad that I get so stressed out being around her sometimes. I love her to bits, and more than anything I want to just be able to hang out with her and not be affected by the fidgets. Hell, my ideal would be that I could enjoy and celebrate them, but that feels like such a pipe dream. Mostly it just hurts feeling like this is a little wedge between me and her.

I don't really want strategies for avoiding the triggers, unless it's crucial for long-term desensitization. I'm so deep in the avoidance hole that I constantly keep earplugs on me, over-ear headphones with two different white noise apps, sunglasses so I can discreetly close my eyes to avoid seeing someone bouncing their leg- all it's done is push me into stronger sensitivity, but that's most of what I find for advice online.

So yeah, any advice/life anecdotes would be appreciated :(

Long post, but not sure how to make it shorter and comprehensible. I am in the middle of an assignment from my therapist that has been really helpful but also uncomfortable, and I’m curious to see if other folks have had this experience. I’ve been doing the recovery work for a while now, and one of the hardest things to move through has been victimhood status.

When I started I couldn’t recognize when someone *else* was at fault. I was raised to fawn/people-please and fix everything, and my alternative was freezing or dissociating. So, I was a victim of my own failure, everything was my fault, and I desperately wanted to fix that. I went to therapy to stop being such a bad person so my abusers would like me better. (Oof!)

Then the penny finally dropped that I wasn’t the problem and worse, that the game was rigged. I could never get it right because there was no right answer. My abusers were just looking for an excuse to lash out, so there could never be a Goldilocks “just right” moment. The realization was crushing, but also really freeing. So much about my abusers in childhood and some in adulthood suddenly made sense.

The problem was that I was still struggling with the “that was then, this is now” problem. We all know about the heightened anxiety aspect of this problem— the “danger” alarm goes off when there’s no danger, or it just remains on, or both. It’s a giant PITA, but it can be dealt with once you know what’s going on. The part that is more difficult (and I think sneakier) is the “stuck” mindset that goes with the anxiety and drives it.

Once I realized I wasn’t the problem and that this was abuse, my mindset changed, but not in a useful way. I dumped the shame and blame, but kept the victim mentality and helplessness. This led me into situations where I was convinced that I just couldn’t function and that it wasn’t my fault and I was just helpless and a victim and I had no agency and no responsibility. But “I’m helpless and nothing is my fault” is just the flip side of “I’m responsible for everything and it’s all my fault”. Both equally wrong, just in different directions.

I recognized enough of what was going on, and didn’t like it, and ended up being pretty annoyed with myself. I had a difficult, but helpful conversation with the therapist. Her perspective was that the victimhood part of recovery is really important, but if you start building a house in that neighborhood it won’t end well.

She said that the somatic crap we deal with hides other issues in thinking and in core beliefs that can keep us stuck. The key is separating then and now in our beliefs and values as well as with the fear.

Recognizing what was happening then—when abuse was happening—and getting the facts and responsibility straight is really important. But continuing to believe that we are stuck and powerless (and therefore blameless) will not serve us either.

The assignment she gave was to track how many times I caught myself justifying, rationalizing, or making excuses, and how many times I decided that I was “stuck” or a victim, and what the circumstances were. I got nervous because I didn’t want to go back to blame and shame, and she said the whole point is that choices that turn out badly and mistakes don’t have to be met with blame and shame, but if we don’t acknowledge them at all we end up trapping ourselves. The goal is to treat yourself like a functional adult, and to recognize and move on from both the abusive adult and the cringing child. It’s a work in progress, but it’s so nice to just think “whoops, I messed that up” or “that didn’t go well” rather than blame and shame or endless rationalization and permanent victimhood.

I’m also seeing it more in other people. Way too many people who I know who have trauma backgrounds are semi-stuck in these triggers that they don’t see as triggers. They don’t have the other behaviors that would move them into personality disorder territory, but they cannot accept responsibility for anything and they just wallow in misery. I totally get being triggered and really not seeing the exit door right in front of you, but this is more than that. They actively resist any attempt to point out the door while continuing to complain.

I’m wondering if other people who have been at this for a while have experienced this themselves or have seen it in others, and what their thoughts are. How long did this last, and what did you do to move through it?

I've been working with an IFS and EMDR therapist for 6-7 months now. We've been doing mostly IFS stuff and and talking about how I'm managing my day-to-day, but now that we're starting EMDR I'm struggling to bring up memories to work with.

For context I've been disconnected from my emotions for a while, so its been hard trying to reconnect to that part of myself.

Has this been the case for anyone else, and if so how did you open up a bit more?

I am thinking of doing an outpatient therapy program but I don’t if it will be worth it.

For more context, about a year ago I was admitted for SI and the psych really wanted me to do this outpatient program after. I didn’t do it because I needed to finish another semester of college and then I moved abroad.

Now I’m really regretting all of it and wish I had just done it. I was not ready and think I’m in a worse off position than if I would have went. I really don’t know though because I don’t know what outpatient programs are like or if they even help or are worth it.

I'm still wondering if some of my issues aren't neurodivergent, so when things go sideways in interactions, where there might be a pattern where once again I've taken something too literally. I feel like I never ....................Learn. It's that , but it's also my anxiety that is just there all the time, allll the time.

Me; 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didnt realize thats what you meant" People look at me perplexed. It's that look that typically sends me into a shame spiral. That "how could you not know that?"...disbelief look, where you know any answer will only make it worse.

A full week of staring at the TV, and isolating.....feeling numb from the Shame......trying to figure out how to ...........Learn my lesson and never do that again. The Shame that feels like being eaten alive from the inside out by Piranhas. Lying in bed at night running all these past scenarios through my head, trying to see how something that started off so easy, went so wrong........trying to notice a discernible pattern. The only conclusions I can draw are "well it seems to be with all people, and I'm the common denominator". Well, people that dont know me, so not my therapist, and not "my people".

With this most recent Shame event/collapse, .......I did think about just moving forward anyway, not letting it ...STOP....me, but I basically would have been dragging my traumatized shame ridden dissociative body through things, not being present..........that can't be good, right? So, I full on stopped until I felt "better", and the Shame died down. It was at least 2 days before it started to shift.....telling myself that I wasted a week of potential productive time.. ...........overthinking my entire life's mistakes......

....trying to notice patterns....something.....anything...answers....... literally growing more and more afraid of ...................myself......and what other messed up shit I would do again. You know when my therapist corrects me, it's therapy, I expect to be corrected, it's prefaced in understanding, kindness.... not Judgement. Not that I never hear "what do you mean?" Or hear '" You know, when you do that, generally youre supposed to ..." blah, blah, blah. When the world "Corrects you" it's not necessarily kind. You can see the Judgement in someone's eyes. The "how are you like this?" disbelief on their face. I'm very perceptive, It's not my imagination.

I had been doing really well. Getting things done, hard things, until something came back on me, and I slid-back. Like sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid back. I wouldnt have even been able to write this, last week. I couldnt move, or talk. Lying in bed running my entire life through my head, over and over, just watching my brain flip through these mental gymnastics. "OMG make it STOP! I hate myself so much I want to die, why does this keep HAPPENING!?" ...days later..." Well, that wasnt so bad, just a misunderstanding, it'll be okay.... Youre learning, this is just part of it". ..then back to 'NO, you never learn, it's not learning if you keep fucking UP!!"

I actually had two events, back to back that crippled me. The other one wasnt even an interaction. IT was a case of realizing someone had lied to me, about their availability , when I saw them working at another house...( in my neighborhood) Not my house though. Telling me they were "busy", but that was long before they had even started this new house, (not mine) in my neighborhood. Apparently those other people are better and more deserving than me. That was pretty bad, I cried and ranted for an hour. All these feelings of abadonement and betrayal, .....and Shame.

But recently, .......for this Shame event; I had someone come to my house this winter to address my ice dams. It was a straight forward thing. The lead supevisor SAID "watch my guy , since there will only be one person". You know , in case he falls off a ladder. So when he said "watch my guy" , and it's not like he sounded like he was joking? . Thats what I did, For the ENTIRE time he was chipping away at the ice. The worker said "you dont' have to watch me, my boss is my boss, he's not your boss" . I stayed. Then he said "You must be worried about your roof?" I said "I don't care about the roof , I care about you". Then I had him do one other smallish part of the roof that we hadn't talked about that was just a roof over a mudroom , and I said "if you need to call your people to get the okay, I don't mind" . And so he did that too. After I sort of sensed this uneasy feeling like maybe that wasnt right? Looking back ............I'm mortified. I literally could have watched him from inside the house, without staring at him for hours. WHAT the HELL was I thinking?! So, recently, I called the same people for another project, and I could tell the second the supervisor got out of truck that something was amiss. I said "I really appreciate that you folks came this winter. " He didnt really look at me, but said "it was a long winter". But the whole visit had this stain, this shitty vibe, like 'your crazy, what other crazy thing are you going to ask my guys to do". And I don't know why this always comes up with his dialgoue, but he's constantly talking about the hazardous conditions his guys go through? I know that . My family was in construction, I know about hazards, it's part of every job. So, I really don't need to be reminded about bees. I've been bitten plenty of times myself. I take precautions. Then the dreaded thing I absolutely hate the most, other than 'well you have a nice day now"....said in a condescending way.....was when he looked at me and said, "well you take care of yourself". subtext reads "because obviously youre struggling with something profoundly wrong not that I know what it is". Thats when I could feel that veil of Shame slowly collapse around me like a death shroud. I slinked into the house, feeling on fire from the Shame, and stayed like that for a week.

I can't think of one damn thing I could have told myself to stop that from happening. I cant' even envision having moved out of that faster than I did. I just sat, and processed, ...for a week. Waiting for the Shame to loosen it's grip on me.

It's not like I had too high expectations , or lofty goals or anything. IT was just a meeting, to talk. Apparently that's a lot for me. And I also hadn't considered actually thinking harder about what my instincts had been telling me, and called them anyway............knowing ......I had f'ed up. Figuring 'well, maybe they're over that by now, maybe it will be okay'"........it wasnt okay.

And the self talk was brutal. "well, looks like you f'ed up another relationship" . Just when I thought I had been doing better in interactions. Then blaming him, "I never liked that guy anyway, his weird fear of bees, ....." I couldn't shut it off. The he overcharged me this exhorbitant price for the current job, and I felt the shame burning a hole through me. Thought, "now I know he's pissed". But it was that, "well, you take care now" really locked the Shame in. I feel like that's intentional? Like they want you to feel ashamed? Like a nice way to say " F off".....? Idk.

It took me a week to start to feel better, and I have no idea what I accomplished, if I accomplished anything.? No idea. For all my obsessive, shame inducing rumination, I couldnt tell you.

Edit: I had been doing so well too, right up until this happened......thinking I was so fay you of my freeze patterns...."it's a Miracle!".....and then ...."aaaannd now I'm back to shutting down" .

When I was deep into my trauma, dysfunction and in survival mode, I would find it very hard to connect with people. I was not able to talk 'normally' or socialise 'normally'.

Now that I've done some healing and I'm learning about boundaries, I again find it hard to relate to people. It's like everyone else is dysfunctional now (maybe not at my level). They don't know what boundaries are and how to create safe space for others in life.

Anyone else facing this issue?

Over the past 6 years, I have had one traumatic event after another.

I have anxiety from the simplest things or tasks, like even checking email - scared I’ll get horrible news. I can’t be productive because my body/mind overthinks and freaks out or feel like nothing is worth doing.

How did you improve this daily debilitating anxiety?

I have various antidepressants and buspirone and nothing works. And the therapist I saw was useless.

Hello community!

I've got a period of workplace challenge ahead, that has also been going on for the last couple of months. I feel I'm handling the situation well: I've stayed quite self-regulated and resilient, not emotionally wound up and my behaviour doesn't look like someone with high levels of adrenaline or cortisol. But I've got symptoms like eyelid twitching, and on FitBit my "health metrics" data over time shows decreasing heart rate variability and increasing resting heart rate, which it says is a stress signal. So even though I feel emotionally calm and am behaving in a measured way, I think my sympathetic nervous system (SNS) - responsible for the "fight-or-flight" response - has been activated.

I would appreciate practical tips and hacks for activating my parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS) - aka "rest-and-digest" system. I'm especially keen for things I can discreetly incorporate while at work, or build into my general routine without a lot expense or time commitment. For example, some of the online articles I found had tips like getting a massage or going to acupuncture, which wouldn't be practical for my current life/work situation...

I'd also be interested in any practical tips and hacks for de-activating my SNS, if that's an easier or more sensible starting place.

I'd also be interested in recommendations of any foods or supplements that might help with either.

TIA!

Does one need to feel safe to get into grieving or can you access grieving by trying to get it out and feel more and more safe after?

Edit: by safe, i mean I am actually safe but my body and mind dont believe it

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for some perspective from this community on how to communicate with my partner of 17 years. We also run a small business together, which adds a layer of complexity to our dynamic.

I have CPTSD and ADHD, both diagnosed 6 years ago and I constantly struggle with the "Goldilocks zone" of sharing my experience with her. I never quite know what is too much to share versus what is necessary for her to understand where I'm coming from. I'm terrified of burdening her, but I also know that hiding my struggles leads to bigger issues.

Recently, there was a moment where I promised to help her with a bunch of ops jobs in the business and didn't follow through/meet deadlines. She pointed out that I haven't been as helpful as I should be, and she's right. I acknowledge that I've let her carry a heavy operational load, partly because business operations aren't exactly my wheelhouse, but mostly because of the executive dysfunction that come with my conditions.

My internal struggle is balancing when to share the heavy stuff. Sometimes I'm dealing with the side effects of ADHD medication adjustments, other times I'm coming out of a trauma nightmare that leaves me frozen, dissociated, or acting out in ways that aren't me. I worry that sharing these moments makes me look unreliable or like I'm making excuses, but I also know that without context, she just sees someone who isn't showing up.

For context on my current coping mechanisms:

• I am currently in IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, which is helping me understand my parts better.
• I'm active in a 12-step group for community and sobriety.
• I have a few accountability friends who also have CPTSD and are neurodivergent.

I'm not perfect, and I know I have a lot of work to do. But I want to find a way to explain these challenges to my partner in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment.

My questions for you all:

1. How have you explained the specifics of CPTSD and ADHD to a long-term partner?
2. How do you gauge when you are sharing too much trauma/suffering versus when you are simply being honest about your reality?

Any stories or advice would be incredibly appreciated.

Thank you for reading.

I'd love to hear from other folks who might have experience in this space of their healing journey....

Do you have any tips or coping skills for not internalizing feedback from others that is clearly not really about you? Especially if you have that "overdeveloped sense of justice" that sometimes comes with PTSD?

I've been struggling at work lately. I am the only female on my leadership team, and the three men who are also part of leadership and really emotionally unstable and immature. Nice guys at heart but boy or boy do they need therapy.

They can lash out and will often point out my flaws as a way of deflecting from their own mistakes.

When I step away and go home and vent a little bit, I can see clearly that it's not about me, it's about their own insecurity. It's not even that big of a deal, it's totally normal human behavior.

But in the moment, when it happens I'm having a hard time keep my "thinking brain" online and I go into a little bit of "fight" and I want to defend myself. I ruminate a bit on the things I WANT to say or the things I WISH they'd see or understand.

To be clear, I'm never yelling at anyone or confronting them. I generally don't say much, but it's my brain that is going crazy and repeating the interactions, and thinking of all the things I WISH I'd said.

I don't want to let it get to me this much. I can rationally step away and I know it's just about their issues.

Anyone with any good coping skills to try for keeping my brain calm in those situations and staying grounded? Good tips for diverting your brain from rumination on those "I should have......" conversations?

I have come a long way in my journey with this. There was a point where I could barely go to the store. I kept getting sudden feelings of being completely exposed and stared at. I felt like i needed to cover my self up in layers of clothes and blankets. In my head, I felt like i was being watched or chased. I also get what feels like a wave of zig zag static pulsing in my chest. For months and months this happened almost 24/7. I couldn't keep a job, i got hospitalized again. It was rough, but it was 10 years ago. I haven't had any real struggle with that again until recently.

I had a panic attack yesterday. One of the more intense ones. It was like the anxiety had just slowly built throughout the day. When I got home, the feeling in my chest started up. It feels like my heart is racing, but its usually only beating hard. My doctor said the feeling was actually the nerves in my ribcage being completely overstimulated and firing off, because my body is always in a state of hyper vigilance, even if I don't realize it.

The "regular" anxiety has popped up slightly more often, which doesnt affect me much. But I am now on day 2 of heavy physically presenting anxiety and disassociation. It wasnt bad this morning. It really didnt start until I got home from work around 6:00pm. Now I dont even feel cognitively well enough to drive. I cant stop thinking a million miles a minute, yet my brain feels frozen and in a fog. My chest feels like electricity or like when when your skin gets so cold it burns, but IN my ribs and sternum. My skin is itchy (this is new and has only started when the rest of the physical symptoms get worse). Every single feeling in and on my body feel multiplied by a thousand, and its just stressing me out more. Every hair that brushes against my skin. every spot on my legs that is touching the blanket. The pieces of hair moving at my scalp when I shift even the slightest bit. My cat just came up to me and even him brushing up against me makes me want to scream and lock myself in the bathroom. Even the sound of him licking his fur is too much.

I have a decent understanding of what is happening and why. I didnt fully recover from yesterday so any little thing could have tipped me off again (I did have some stressful car troubles). But my nervous system hasn't been this sensitive in a very long time. Its embarrassing. Im usually high functioning.

One thing I thought about, but kind of discounted, was that I was talking with someone about my childhood abuse a few days ago. At the time, I didnt feel any negative emotions about it. I usually can talk about it casually instead of through tears and being unable to say certain words. But Im wondering if that triggered something without me noticing. Maybe my brain just covered it up at the time so I wouldnt emotionally flood during the conversation? Idk, its a theory.

Im frustrated. I have improved so much, and my life is going very well and is mostly peacefull. I have some stressful things going on in the background, but nothing crazy in my immediate day to day. Now all of my other symptoms are starting to pop up. Am I just burnt out? I feel like Ive been burnt out for years and years. Am I manic? Whats the difference between manic and just overloaded? How to I manage the disassociation so it doesn't interfere with my job that requires driving? I feel like I know so much but so little at the same time. Any advice is appreciated. Therapy types, grounding techniques (the usual things have never been very helpful), or even link to info to help me understand whats happening a bit better.

Im sure ive left out a lot of relevant information. Ask any question you need to. I cant think very well right now

ETA: I have ADHD. Ive been taking a low dose of fast acting Adderall once a day for a year now and haven't felt any change in my anxiety because of it.

In a nutshell I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel like I am in a somewhat challenging state right now that makes connecting with others difficult, not impossible, but difficult. I feel emotionally volatile. I'm not violent or anything like that, but I think others can tell how cagey I am, and they'd be right. Problem is I'm not connecting with anyone really these days. I don't have much of a support system though I'm trying to establish one. The hard place is that I am beggining to question if the loneliness itself is not actively making it harder for me to engage in the first place, without going into excrutiating detail. So in a sense, it's as if the universe is saying, you have to connect with others, but my body is saying please don't.

trying hard not to be a people pleaser anymore, but certain things really trigger my fawn instinct, with the most common one (because it's very innocuous and happens all the time) being misunderstood, especially emotionally

e.g. someone thinks i'm mad, but i'm not; someone thinks i'm sad, but i'm not; someone thinks i'm offended, but i'm not; someone thinks i'm insulting them, but i'm not, etc.......

this feeling instantly triggers me and makes me want to change my entire personality and mask extremely hard (i am various kinds of neurodivergent lol) to make sure it never happens again. i find myself over-explaining, apologizing, defensive, embarrassed, and don't know how a normal healthy human would respond. I already know why this happens and it's a long story for my therapist (tl;dr: parents were extremely invalidating and wouldn't believe me) but i'm more looking to hear anecdotal stuff from other folks who may have been in the same boat or get triggered by the same things

today's completely minor trigger:

saw a post online by a comedian where they joke about ways to politely not-compliment friends whose music you don't like, and shared the post to my social media because i thought it was funny, along with an observation that i would rather someone be brutal and honest rather than fake but nice. someone immediately replied asking if i was ok, i think misinterpreting my comment as referring to something specific (e.g. someone disliking my art) rather than a general observation

and i deleted the post INSTANTANEOUSLY lmao because the thought of people misunderstanding my intentions gives me hives haha even if they're reaching out out of concern/care. then i felt mad at myself for deleting it because i worried i was being a people pleaser and letting other people's opinions affect me too much.

i want to move away from this knee-jerk people-pleaser reaction, but at the same time, i do think it is important to communicate clearly so as to be understood by the people around me! how to balance these things? how to avoid being misunderstood without completely backtracking and erasing myself?