r/CPTSD_NSCommunity

I have realized that in order to hold a job, I will have to “perform” almost everyday for the rest of my life. I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel like I have to perform or just not be myself in front of certain people. I can do it but it gets so exhausting after so long.

How do you handle being accused of being the common denominator, despite doing your absolute BEST to improve yourself? And also being sure you're not the common denominator, and that you're not a totally shit person for having shit acquaintances and loads of drama?

When you have trauma, you attract other people with trauma. When you start recovering, you can see how absolutely bonkers your relationships have been. You cut off the toxic ones, it takes years. It's confusing and leaves you feeling like you're still brokem. That's left me with just my husband, and up until yesterday, one friend (who I've now been told is trashy and toxic, and I'm a doormat apparently).

I made a long post in the AIO sub about a friends' behaviour and got ripped to shreds, called a doormat, people not believing me.

I don't shout and anymore because I've regulated my nervous system, I e learned how to hold anger in my body and feel it, not be consumed by it, I no longer get triggered into a rage. I've always been a doormat though, and it's something I'm working on. But it's a difficult thing to substantiate to be able to work on in therapy.

I now have no friends. Even after 3 years of EMDR and IFS, feeling the best I ever have done, I'm still the "common denominator" cutting off toxic people and attracting drama. I have NO FRIENDS. Brilliant

Healing In An Unsafe Environment

I’ve had horrible luck with housemates the past few years (can’t afford my own place). Coupled with living below the breadline it’s really worn me down. My nervous system is constantly on fire because I never feel safe. I decided to move back in with my parents who abused me most of my life because I feel unsafe anyways. I’ll rather feel unsafe and save some money, build an ISA, start investing with the little I have than feeling unsafe and struggling to make ends meet every month. I just started a new job that pays me the most I’ve ever made outside of sex work so far. It’s below the median UK salary but things are improving in that aspect at least.

I’m moving back to my parents place this weekend and I’ve decided to be on my best behavior. Stay out of the house as much as I can and try not to provoke anything. I’m thinking of putting a pause on healing. Is that wise? I find it hard to believe I can make much progress going back to those who traumatized me. It’ll be money down the drain because the NHS in my area only does CBT so I’ll have to pay for other modalities. I’ll really like some advice moving forward.

I have a good therapist and I’m grateful because she’s helping me a lot. But I feel attached to her and I’m feeling a lot of shame because of it, both because I am fully aware of the nature of therapy so I feel stupid for feeling that way, and because I obviously have attachment trauma so it feels scary and shameful in general. Has anyone else worked through this? How do I stop feeling like an idiot when I miss my therapist?

I thought I got a better handle on my self-destructive behavior, turns out I don't.

Last night I was out at a club with friends. Good night, mostly. Dancing, got compliments on my outfit, was being my usual weird self (I brought communion wafers as a snack, just being silly).

At some point, the whole group (8-10 people) started saying goodbye and left basically ALL AT ONCE. Objectively: drunk people dispersing from a club after being there for hours. Completely normal.

What my old wiring interpreted / my nervous system heard: you did something wrong, you were too much, they abandoned you.

It took that mass exodus of friends and some negative thoughts throughout the night at the club to trigger my entire alarm system.

So I went home and my inner anarchist took over. I deleted my Instagram (one of my main ways of staying in touch with people), then I deleted my Whatsapp number so nobody could reach me to ask why. Total scorched earth, in maybe 20 minutes.

The next day, doing the forensics, I realized: two of my friends did say goodbye to me. I got compliments that night. Nobody was mad at me. My alarm system was loud AND wrong at the same time.

What I've pieced together about the impulse: when you grow up with abandonment (lost my mom at 2, abusive stepmother, father who chose others over me), being left is unbearable because it happens TO you. Deleting everything flips it, now I'm the one who left, I get to leave before they do. It converts helplessness into control.

I don't have a neat ending. My accounts are still gone, nobody's heard from me yet, I'm barely reachable.

Does anyone else have this "burn it down before they can leave me" reflex? What's helped you put a gap between the impulse and the match?

Also posted to /r/cptsd

I recently learned that in North American culture the sweet spot for eye contact is about 3 seconds. Longer than 9 seconds is felt as aggressive, or stalking. Shorter than 1 second is felt as furtive, ashamed, or uninterested.

Eye Contact Mechanics: What I've Learned:

The North American sweet spot for eye contact is just over 3 seconds. Around 1 second or less reads as furtive, ashamed, or uninterested. Over 9 seconds reads as aggressive or stalking.

Speakers hold gaze roughly 40%-50% of the time; listeners hold it roughly 60-70%. My baseline is closer to 10%, I do a lot of glance-and-glide, more like a quarter to half second flick.

The "angle of attention" is about 4-5 degrees wide, by 6 high. Face shaped.

Face the other person. Hold your hand up at arm's length, fingers loosely spread, like giving a relaxed "stop" gesture. If your gaze lands anywhere inside that rough oval, they won't register that you're off their eyes.

No you are not going to stand with your arm out actually checking them. Use this to decide if you are close enough. The other person can't tell if you are looking at their nose, chin, forehead, eyebrow. But don't just do 'left eye, right eye, nose, chin' as this will be seen as a continuous gaze.

So if direct eye contact is uncomfortable, the nose or mouth works fine — your eyes will drift around within the zone naturally anyway. Ears are borderline at normal 3–4 foot conversational distance — probably outside the zone but close.

Context changes the requirement. In group settings you need less eye contact than 1-on-1.

If you are engaged in parallel attention (both of you are looking at something else) you can get away with almost no eye contact -- but you are no longer seeking mutual attunement.

Parallel attention:

• fixing something. No one expects eye gaze while you have the cover off their computer.
• Both looking at a document or computer screen. So tutoring, teaching a musical instrument, jamming, where you are concentrating on your own hands, or their hands.
• task such as weeding, cleaning.

Sitting side by side works. If you have a difficult talk, this can help a lot.

Walking together.

In these situations, you can still reach some attunement, but the key is that without the eye gaze it doesn't feel as threatening. You don't feel as exposed.

What I'm practicing:

I already have a rhythm to exploit — walking. A step is about half a second, and the target gaze window (2–4.5 sec) maps to roughly 4–9 steps. So I'm drilling variable-length holds against my own stride count: 8 steps on a fence post, 4 off, 4 on, 3 off, 2 on, 6 off, 7 on — deliberately irregular, mixing in some 1-second glances, aiming for something like 50% on-target overall.

The idea is to build the variable-hold pattern as a motor skill first, on a low-stakes target (fence posts don't notice), before trying to port it to faces.

I also practice with my dog. Just getting used to looking at someone (Furfaces are people to me) in the eye in a lower threat environment.

There is a smell that I've only ever encountered while hiking, and I don't actually know what it is. I've never had a bad or traumatic experience while hiking.

I was listening to some unrelated talk about scents and how they can bypass a lot of higher level cognitive functions.

I'm wondering if using the memory of a smell could be helpful for grounding?

I've been doing a lot of work on myself recently through CPTSD recovery and I've noticed a pattern in two of my closest friendships that I'd love some perspective on.

Both friends tend to override my direct lived experience with their external assessments, particularly in vulnerable moments. I don't believe either of them means harm — they're loyal and show up in meaningful ways — but the impact has been consistently invalidating and I've noticed it triggers my CPTSD response around having my reality questioned.

Some examples:

When I was experiencing joint issues and noticed a correlation with hormones, several doctors agreed with me and my pain was improving on birth control pills. One friend who I had kept updated every step of the way dismissed my theory about my own body and insisted it was something else

When I was navigating an institutional harassment process and expressed frustration about their response to my latest report of being harassed again, a friend said I don't get to be upset about something without doing anything about it — without acknowledging the complexity of what I was navigating. That friend was aware of all the steps I had taken to report prior incidents and how they were met with minimization and dismissal by my institution.

When my pet was recovering from surgery, a friend insisted my pet looked angry at me based on a single photo. My friend didn't update their view when I gave a full description that my pet's behavior is seeking comfort from me and not being grumpy.

In each of these moments I was the one with direct access to the experience — my body, my situation, my pet. And in each case an external assessment was offered with more confidence than my own lived account.

What I'm specifically hoping to learn is:

How do you process moments of invalidation in real time without it triggering a deeper shame or self-doubt spiral?

How have you adjusted what you bring to friendships that can't hold your full experience, without it feeling like loss or self-abandonment?

How do you actively build and seek out friendships that are oriented toward presence and emotional attunement when you're used to settling for less?

Thank you for reading. I know this is long but the context felt important to include.

im sure all of you reading this know how hard the process can be. Like youve read the books, youve developed the awareness, you know the whys. Okay so whats next?

Taking action.

Taking those next steps to strive towards something better...

But noone said itd be easy.

Im so damn tired. Im tired of making the effort. It IS worth making the effort for, because I want to live and thrive and be joyful, but its still exhausting.

Something Im terrified to say to anyone I actually know is that Im tired of always being the caring and considerate friend. I want to be the one cared for.

I like being a caring friend. I like that about me. that I have capacity to feel and be empathetic. and I dont wish to snuff that quality out of me. But i care about Me too, and I deserve some TLC too.

I have a very high capacity for empathy. I can put myself in others shoes to try and understand their experience. Even if i dont understand the specifics, I can guage enough, because I understand the core wound of suffering.

I have also described iny head my experience of drifting through life like Im in a glass box. I can see it all clearly, but I cant touch. I cant connect. Theres a barrier.

and lately I've also been having lots of thoughts about mirrors, and Im asking myself if what im feeling is like Im a walking mirror.

I interact with others, and they talk to me, but is it true connection, or are they just looking at their own reflection?

Its a painful thought to have. Im just feeling so neglected. It keeps triggering the old wounds.

I dont need another task added to my already heavy plate, I need a hug. I need some confidence. some validation. and I need to feel seen as my own person, not just a walking mirror.

I KNOW what I personally need to do in my own life. But that doesnt mean I dont still have some hard and challenging days, and need a bit of encouragement to keep moving, and also respite every now and then.

I know that sooner or later, the essence of some things Ive written here will need to be said to those people in my life, because Im clearly not satisfied in my friendships.

Im not seeking advice in these writings, just sharing thoughts and where Im at in my own process. I think it helps to cast this into the void. And as I write it it affirms what I already know.

I do however welcome questions or discussion if you feel inclined.

if you got this far thanks for reading. and I hope maybe it made you feel seen too.

I have some minor trauma around the dentist, it was always a very stressful experience as a child, due to being undiagnosed autistic and my parents just being the worst at how to handle that. Also my last cavity filling was awful and really stressful due to the not enough local anaesthetic being used and having to be reinjected a few times.

Yesterday I went in to have cavities filled after having avoided the dentist again for 2 years. Now I was already really stressed and had a little panic attack before leaving. I was really tense but seemed fine when I was actually at dentist.

That was until I was laying back with my mouth open and then dentist started leaning over me with the needle to inject the anaesthetic. I felt this intense panic in my body.

Now normally I would have just have flawned and dissociated and let it happen despite the internal experience. But I didn't I raised my hand and allowed myself to have a full on panic attack. In a room with 2 people I didn't know and my social worker who was with me. Past me would have never done that, she would have just pushed through and let it happen. Just the shame of being an inconvenience and being so emotional in front of others. I don't think I even ever had such a visceral panic attack in front of others. This stuff would only come out when I was completely alone.

They have new program NARM-informed. https://narmtraining.com/narm-basics-training/

One thing I like about NARM is it simplicity and directness and it really focuses on the patient to do the effort of figuring it out but in a secure way.

Has anyone tried? Any thoughts?

These days I feel like I am truly doing better but the physical issues I have seem to pull me back down.

Without getting into specifics, I am permanently disfigured as a result of a trauma response I had. I am able to appreciate things I am grateful for and try to focus on other aspects of myself I do feel positively about but unfortunately this does haunt me quite a bit. I also deal with challenging related medical issues.

Overall, I try not to let my appearance bother me and I’m getting better at not letting peoples reactions bother me but honestly it does feel like a constant reminder.

I have cptsd and my trauma involved chronic neglect from multiple people and witnesses in my life. years and years have passed and one of the most difficult things I find as an adult is developing genuine interest and care for my life. I do not care about my life at all. I don’t view it as sacred or as unique or as something that shouldn’t be taken for granted. in fact if I could be on welfare and sleep for the rest of my life that would be perfect. has anybody who dealt with chronic neglect ever successfully managed to develop genuine care for their lives in terms of what direction it’s going etc?

i’m currently at a point where i’m trying to rebuild my life and support system from scratch. lately i’ve had a lot on my plate. i’m dealing with untreated OCD, past trauma and now chronic pain. right now i’m completely alone in this. like i don't have any family or friends around type of alone. i do have my first therapy session scheduled for next week and i’m a little excited to finally have someone to talk to even tho it’s professional and transactional lol. howeverrr i also want to expand my social circle and make regular friends. my biggest fear is that people won't want to be around someone with my kind of issues. even though i have no intention of trauma dumping on strangers or even bringing up my struggles early on i still feel stuck. has anyone successfully built a community from the ground up while dealing with health and mental health issues? how do you put yourself out there when you're starting from zero? any advice or steps on what to do next would be greatly appreciated 🙏🏽🙏🏽

my mother is super smart.

i suffered infant abuse at her hands.

as soon as i could I’ve been putting distance between us. I’m a grown ass person with kids.

i feel she is chasing me wanting to have me and my humanity by her side when she dies.

she bought a house near me without asking me.

my therapist says even if she’s close I can say no which I will.

this person who hurt me so bad.

who should have been a source of warmth

is not only not leaving me alone or helping me I feel she’s hunting me wanting my hard earned humanity.

this is after 15 yrs talk therapy and now 3 yrs of trauma therapy and I’m finally getting my body back.

this is an insane crazy person.

i just want to be left alone!!!!!!!

looking for empathy re supposedly warm person is like pure evil

English is not my first language, so I’m using translation help to write this. I hope the meaning still comes through clearly.

I found this community almost by accident while searching for people who think in terms of “formation history” — how someone’s early family system, repeated emotional environment, survival roles, and relationships shaped them over time.

When I read posts here, I felt something strangely familiar. In most other spaces, even psychology-related ones, I almost never see people think this much in terms of formation history. Once in a while, I may come across one person with that lens, but here it feels like a whole group of people naturally think this way.

That made me look more closely at CPTSD again.

For a long time, I didn’t think CPTSD applied to me. I associated it with more stereotypical PTSD images: combat trauma, loud noises causing panic, intense flashbacks, or people losing the ability to function in work and daily life.

I knew I had serious trauma. I just didn’t think it was “CPTSD-level.”

Part of the confusion is that I’ve never really related to the “I am worthless” part that often comes up in CPTSD discussions. I’ve never felt fundamentally unlovable. I don’t have a deep sense that I have no value. I can work, survive, think clearly, build a life, and connect with people in ordinary situations.

But I do have another pattern.

My body can react very strongly when my family of origin or certain past-related topics come close. For example, I can be mentally calm and logically understand what happened, but my heart rate may suddenly spike as if my body is warning me.

Many years ago, I also used to feel very afraid of relationships disappearing, even ordinary ones like coworkers leaving. That fear is no longer active in the same way now, but looking back, I can see how much my nervous system once needed continuity and stable connection.

I’ve also always had a strong longing for a stable, lasting “chosen family” kind of bond — not someone to rescue me, but people who can genuinely stay, know each other over time, and become real anchors.

So now I’m wondering if the distinction is this:

Maybe my self-worth system was protected, but my safety/attachment system was damaged.

That would explain why I didn’t recognize myself in some CPTSD descriptions for a long time. I wasn’t collapsed in the way I expected CPTSD to look. I wasn’t constantly flashing back or unable to function. But my nervous system and relationship system still carry very old injuries.

I seem to be in a later stage of healing and self-integration now, which may be another reason I didn’t recognize it earlier. Maybe I didn’t “suddenly develop” CPTSD. Maybe I have been healing and mapping it for years without using that name.

I’m not asking Reddit to diagnose me. I’m more interested in whether anyone else recognized CPTSD relatively late because they were functional, independent, and didn’t fit the “classic” image they had in mind.

Did anyone else come to understand their CPTSD more through formation history, attachment/safety wounds, body reactions, and later-stage integration — rather than through obvious daily flashbacks or a deep sense of worthlessness?

I'm about to turn 40, I'm married, I've never been assaulted so far as I know, and I still feel so confused about my sexuality. I vacillate between thinking I'm straight but mostly asexual (my few crushes and Noticing of bodies have been with men), to wondering if I'm actually a repressed lesbian, but then when I mentally explore that route it doesn't really appeal either, to thinking that all that is just a way my brain is trying to protect me from getting hurt. I can admire my husband's looks and enjoy intimacy with him emotionally (he knows this) but I think I've ever felt bodily sexual arousal, towards him or anyone else outside of my own head (and when I imagine things I am never in the fantasy). I've never felt a spark from anyone's touch. And yet I doubt if I'm truly asexual because I feel the lack and grieve it. And yet I have no idea what's wrong or what would help or if anything can even be done. I don't know whether to keep niggling at it in the hope of some kind of insight or whether to try to make peace with this just being how I am.

Any thoughts or sharing of experience would be very welcome!

TRIGGER WARNING: Emotional and physical abuse of adults and children

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few months ago. My mom had BPD and I was her person. Until she passed when I was 31, I really thought that she was the primary if only source of trauma in my life and my family. After she died, I made a tremendous amount of progress in therapy, finally able to process so many things that I couldn't when her abuse was still going on well into my adulthood. Her passing also helped me realize that she was not my only abuser in my family. I was emotionally abused my entire family of origin, including my dad, my stepmother, and my sister.

I'm turning 40 soon and my sister is 18 months younger. When we were kids, she was both physically and emotionally abusive. She had major anger issues that my parents could not and would not deal with. She regularly hit me, kicked me, and slapped me up well into our teens and a few times as adults. She called me every name in the book and made fun of everything about me to the point that my self-esteem was obliterated – I still hear her voice echo in my head about how ugly I am and how the way I chew is disgusting and the way I walk is funny and weird.

When she was still at home and I had moved out, she started reaching out to me more and we became "friendly." We had a lot of the same interests and of course the shared awful experience of being raised by our parents. After my dad had a stroke 10 years ago, I moved back to our hometown and my sister and I became "best friends."

I put that in quotes because I've come to realize that the way my sister calls me her best friend is very similar to the way my mom called me her best friend. It means that she can and will use me for all of her wants and needs, and my role is to quietly and happily let her. For years, I was absolutely terrified of her thanks to her childhood relationship, so she was able to completely control me. She would have me run her errands on the other side of town. We would go out for "sister days" where we spent hours doing things that she loved and I hated. I hate talking on the phone and she would call me multiple times a day just to chat. Every time I see her, I have to drive 40 minutes each way to her house. Recently when I raised this imbalance with her, she said "I thought you wanted to do those things because you love me." Her expectation of love is complete control and compliance. And not only am I expected to do these things, I'm expected to do them with a smile on my face. I've been screamed at for being totally silent during an errand because she "knows I'm upset" and that's not okay.

Over the last few years as I've started to understand our relationship via therapy, I've tried to set boundaries. It has not gone well. Twice in the last six months, she has screamed at me at the top of her lungs with her children in the car!!!, calling me "fucking rigid" and a bitch and telling her I give her too many rules.

Her behavior has also escalated at home. She recently hit her husband in front of her kids. She had an emotional affair last summer. A few weeks ago, I took my 7 year-old nephew out for the day and the moment he got into my car he said, "Mom has been getting angry at me all the time lately for things that she doesn't normally get mad about. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem?" Broke my freaking heart. He reminds me so much of myself The 5 year-old is very much like my sister and has started going down the same path. She hits her brother and parents regularly and is very aggressive.

I'm done. I'm done with my sister trying to control everyone and everything around her and I'm done with letting her get away with it. I'm done watching her abhorrent behavior and seeing her take zero responsibility and no action to make things better. My therapist recently floated the idea that she may also have BPD, which actually makes a lot of sense.

The problem is the kids. These dear, sweet kids. I know that their life is already difficult and it's just going to get harder. I love them dearly and I can't bear to see another generation of this cycle – this would be the third as my mom likely developed BPD from her own childhood trauma with an untreated bipolar mom.

But I also know that in the last week that I haven't spoken to my sister after yet another big blow-up, I've felt free. I don't jump when my phone buzzes with a text from her, fretting that she's upset or she's going to ask (tell) me to do something. I'm not getting yelled at for doing or not doing anything. I have space to breathe and I have quiet. I've tried so many times to establish a relationship with her that works for both of us, and she is just not willing.

If I were to cut off contact with her, chances are extremely high that she would never let me see her kids again as I'd become a sworn enemy. My therapist even outright said she's stumped on what to do here.

I'm so tired and I don't know what to do.

As a child who was parentified (among other forms of abuse), I just recently realized that I wanted to avoid growing up because i had to be an adult so much in childhood, acting as a parent, therapist etc to my parent

I used to do things like want to hide my breasts when they developed, just stay in a childs body, i didnt want any womanly (sexual characteristics) about myself

I just realized that I have the physical hormones for sex but I guess for me accepting my sexuality felt like it brought on so much adulthood

or at least they (my parents) made me believe it did, as they were very rigid and religious in their views of sex and gender

there was (and is?) so much judgement and labels put around women’s sexuality, especially me coming from a religious background. So healing from my sexual trauma means healing in the sense of not feeling so affected by labels ppl want to give

Eg the fears i had are that if i became sexually active im more likely to fall into marriage ( marriage has always been a fear of mine)

if im married then ill be facing adult pressures and i was already too much of an adult in childhood

if im sexually active that usually invites drama into your life (eg feelings, confusion, relationship talks, breakups (i dont want drama i had enough in childhood)

if im sexually active too freely, society will judge me as a slut. if im sexually active into 30s and 40s ill be judged for not having kids

to me it felt like opting out of sex avoids all this stuff ( and it kind of does honestly and i want to give some respect to my younger self for putting my needs first in this way)

So what im trying to say is now i understand that I have been remaining mostly celibate because part of me associated becoming sexually active as having to be an adult all over again, when i had already missed out on my childhood (and some childhood developmental stages) and what i really needed was to be experiencing childhood

but i also feel like ignoring my sex drive is getting in the way of building connections. And i do have a sex drive and a bit of a genuine curiosity about it.