u/2morrowwillbebetter

Trying to narrow down my abilities, because I know I have them, I just have been itching to know what it is so I know how to focus and hone in.
I receive visions, messages, prophetic dreams of sorts, my intuition is strong, albeit I do have anxiety unfortunately so sometimes it can falter, and I want to learn how to strengthen this all more.

I tried to pull tarot on this question but the cards I received didn’t give me an answer I can understand presently.

I’ve never been so I don’t know what the vibe is.

I didn’t want to go out today but decided last minute I wanted to at least try — but the riverside pool reached capacity, I doubt it’s worth going to the gotteman (Central Park?) cuz I hear there’s lines. Is there another in Harlem that may not have a line ? I imagine they’re all gonna be parked like sardines but curious if it’s worth it or if I should just stay my ass home 🥹

For sake of brevity, I’ll try to TLDR; I’ll include deeper context below after.
When I try to set boundaries w my partner, they have responded poorly esp in moments of stress and I am not sure what to do.

ETA: unfortunately had to (temporarily) block her cuz she wasn’t respecting my boundaries. I told her I love her and value our relationship but I don’t tolerate disrespect and this was stressing me out.

I have cptsd (Audhd as well, as my partner) and so my boundaries are pretty shaky due to my own trauma. My partner has a history of CSA that gets triggered almost daily unfortunately, flashbacks and the like. She recently shared this with me (we been together 14 months) and so I’ve been learning how to respect her boundaries better cuz I didn’t know I crossed any of them (it happens in convo— It is easy for me to respect PHYSICAL boundaries, but the social boundaries aren’t clear enough for me.) We are trying to repair from a major fight we had and her split and me unintentionally breaking her boundaries. I tried to tell her it would be helpful if we write our boundaries for each other and she said it “felt like homework” so now when she sets boundaries my autism is extremely accused and when she’s angry / splitting she perceives it as me being manipulative / acting dumb. Idk what else I can do here.
Also, we were supp to go to therapy together but she said she wanted to and later admitted she lied about it — a major reason or repair presently, that hurt me deeply. She said she isn’t ready.

—

My therapist has been helpful but even then, it’s clear to me my partner is splitting or not in the “right state of mind” to see logic behind my words. I recently tried to set a boundary that I can’t accept venting at the time, and gently saying this caused her to completely push me away — this usually results in a cycle or her apologizing and then “trying” to repair, but we are in a cycle of stonewalling as I’ve researched. She is perceiving her stonewalling as boundaries (“respect my boundaries and until you do, I’m not going to respond”) I tried to tell her I’m not sure what boundaries she is referring to, they were unclear — she just keeps telling me to “read”. We agree not to mind read in the past so I’m honoring my boundary to not guess what she wants. I stated I will not be mind reading and if she is ready to have a conversation I am open and that I love her.
Currently, she isn’t respecting this and is pushing and sending me articles about “darvo”, which I know has been smth that only comes up when she is triggered / splitting. She will be convinced I am an abuser / manipulating her and fall into that, come out of the “split” and feel ashamed. Im fairly tired of this dynamic and we keep trying to get out of it.
I am trying to just ignore the attempts to get me to argue. I firmed my boundaries each time and I express I love her and I’m choosing love, but I will not be having a text convo/argument. Last msg I firmed my boundaries I won’t be reading the [accusatory] articles she is sending me and again asked to be respected, and if she can’t I will be blocking her UNTIL TOMORROW.
My own fight or flight activates easily when she is triggered unfortunately, and best case scenario we don’t end up here. So blocking is smth I’m using as a last resort, not to escalate her more. What confuses me is hypocrisy, She isn’t respecting my no, says I’m not respecting hers (but I’m not sure what she’s talking about and I asked her to be clearer and she just tells me to “read the convo) and I know she’s triggered because I recognize the signs now.
Love her immensely but being triggered myself and having to keep it together is really difficult for me. I’m at least proud I honored my boundaries and all but I’m not rly sure what else I can do
Please be kind - thsm.

I have heard that due to the tight pelvic floor muscles, orgasm can be difficult. I realize I have become too used to a vibe, so I am weening off of it for at least a month to see if it is easier— (there is info saying that using vibes frequently can make you “used” to it, not desensitization that’s permanent, but I’ve been using vibes for YEARS and was not sexually active. so I’d like to stop and just use them every so often instead of every time.) but it’s incredibly frustrating that without one I struggle to finish with my partner (she/her).

I’ve been in recovery for over a year now, and PT for 4 months — good progress thankfully and my partner and I were able to make PIV progress as well. I know it’s gotta be psychosomatic, and I’m not trying to pressure myself. It’s been a year since we’ve been together, we’ve made great progress and she doesn’t pressure me to finish, but i am getting fomo. I really want to finish with her without a vibe. I’ll get REAL close with oral, or when she rubs me, but I can’t get there. I use thc/cbd to help me relax, that helps but I just haven’t been able to. Did anyone experience this that maybe found a solution, outside of vibrators?

hi, I have been taking MD of shrooms via capsules — from a company local, so the dosage usually is around 100-150 mg, I’m usually ok with one. But recently, randomly I’ve been experiencing bad nausea when taking it. I take mushrooms holistically so usually to connect w my body, to cry etc. That is my purge. But recently it’s been feeling off— i was taking them 1 a week microdose and 1 every other or once a week macrodose (like, around 300-500 tops) No issues before so I’m not sure what happened. I used to take empty stomach too w no issues before and then sudden nausea, so I tried w food and that made it worse. Any advice pls? I have emetophobia so “just get sick” will make things worse for me I believe. TIA.

hi, I have been taking MD of shrooms via capsules — from a company local, so the dosage usually is around 100-150 mg, I’m usually ok with one. But recently, randomly I’ve been experiencing bad nausea when taking it. I take mushrooms holistically so usually to connect w my body, to cry etc. That is my purge. But recently it’s been feeling off— i was taking them 1 a week microdose and 1 every other or once a week macrodose (like, around 300-500 tops) No issues before so I’m not sure what happened. I used to take empty stomach too w no issues before and then sudden nausea, so I tried w food and that made it worse. Any advice pls? I have emetophobia so “just get sick” will make things worse for me I believe. TIA.

I’m at the point of life where I thankfully have a relationship, but I get triggered immensely and then I feel bad about it and I end up falling down a rabbit hole of “how do I stop / why do I do x thing” googling, reading articles etc. I don’t know how to feel calm esp given my partner and I are working on repair (partner also has a lot of trauma they’re healing from and it caused some frictions betwixt us). This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, I love her immensely, we communicate and are learning to communicate better, will go to counseling in the future. My inner child is so scared because sometimes they will do things that remind me of a parent and I swear at the time it’s on purpose, even when it’s not. We also have VERY similar stories. I’ll tell her abt my dad and her dad did the exact same thing…
She never means to hurt me, and sometimes I struggle with not focusing on my own feelings when I’m hurt and I’m trying to get her to help me through them sometimes when I need to regulate in that moment first, cuz I will come in hot.

I make mistakes and I will respond emotionally and then get embarrassed and right now I’m just feeling shame and I know it comes from my inner child. I just don’t know what to do when I feel my emotions strongly in the moment, do I just say “I gotta go regulate brb” or smth? 8/10 I just forget and burst out wht I’m feeling, other times I go completely numb / disassociate.
Currently I know I’m more emotional due to the weather (I get more emotional when it’s cloudy and rainy..) and because of hormone fluctuations, so it just makes everything feel worse rn. Yesterday my partner cancelled on me for example last minute and I nearly responded poorly, I told her I was really sad and I felt like crying prob due to my pms symptoms (note I’m non binary, I don’t have a period anymore but still pms unfortunately lol) and then I just moved on. But I was able to utilize the skill of just sulking on my own to understand I just felt abandoned. I’m still sifting through how I can not feel that way again I guess? I understand logically that she put herself first, and I wouldn’t want her to make me feel bad if I was in the same position. I’d feel really weird actually. But in the moment I’ll forget that yk.

I really want to try ifs, but unfortunately it would be a lot rn to switch therapists (even pausing from them to try) just looking for some advice on how I can navigate these things. I always end up letting my anxious attachment win in relationships and it has driven some of my exes off (in high school and one in adulthood) and I notice it’s a pattern, I’m not saying “I am a problem” but my brain feels like I am due to my upbringing. I’ve always been told that I’m wrong, and that I “should” be doing xyz. Because of my autism and adhd that made these things super hard. I miss social cues a lot, I feel bad when I step on toes. I want to keep showing myself grace, maybe I’m just having a bad emotional week.. 😅

ETA: attempting a TLDR;
- I’ve been feeling really bad because my friend canceled 3x on me enough that I felt the need to bring up that I hold space for her needing to cancel, but I also was holding space in that I feel hurt being cancelled at the last minute for very special events. My intentions were sharing my feelings so that we could talk through an find a solution. Of course being cancelled on triggered me but I was trying to remove the trigger and just share that I felt hurt without going deeply into why. I was gentle but direct in my feelings.
- fyi said friend (F) is allistic and has adhd
- F ghosted for 2 months, came back 4 days after my bday to tell me she was frustrated how “we left things off” and sent a long paragraph about how it feels like a “double standard” since I’ve cancelled / rescheduled on her and that she feels my standards are “too high” for her apparently but never told me any of these things before, and brought up random examples and things that I felt had nothing to do with me (ex. her fiancé being upset with her that week)
- attempted to talk to my therapist (T) abt this, and I feel she was more focused on trying to get me to see my friend’s perspective and consider what she said may be true, and that she’s human in her reply, and also that the (optional below in OG post) message I wrote would come off too strong and may make things worse.
Overall feeling shitty, and worse post session. Unsure how to release this anger.
Ty to anyone who comments and/or reads!

***
I will preface that I could really use advice or some sort of validation because I feel real shitty and alone in how I feel. I know my therapist means well but whatever type of skill she’s been using for these feelings have increased my rumination cycles on this I realized after sessions which makes cptsd episodes more susceptible/intense. I can’t stop thinking / ruminating abt this situation and I’ve been ruminating in my own anger and distracting myself / “sleeping on it” (as I was told last session). Nah, I’m still angry lol. I feel like I was at a small percentage, validated in my response, but basically told that I need to consider the other person’s perspective because what they are saying might be true. I wouldn’t not consider that, but I’m a bit uneased at the feeling that I have to consider the other person’s feelings, who disrespected me, while I am still angry about it. I wrote a text (which I can include below if desired, it’s optional) I felt in response was direct but still gentle, but I was told it came off too strong and advised I just talk in person. Which is fine, but I’m failing to understand what’s wrong with being direct here, I’m not intending to be combative, but this person (friend) completely dismissed my feelings even if she didn’t “mean” to.

So I like my therapist and I’ve been with her for 2 years — she’s been helpful in a lot of areas but lately I’ve been really feeling less receptive to whatever style of CBT (?) she’s been using with me to reframe my thinking. She is trauma informed but she is not really deeply informed abt adhd and autism (I have both) unfortunately. Example is the common theme recently I’ve been talking about, has been feeling upset / angry because of situations surrounding my loved ones (usually friends) — I had a friend (allistic, adhd), I will focus on as it came back up, who cancelled on a really important event last minute (day of) and last year she also cancelled on me for another important event the day of. Previous year I gave her grace and let it slide, this year I didn’t want to let it harbor resentment, so when she told me she couldn’t make it, I thanked her and expressed I understand she is taking care of herself and validated that, but I also told her I felt a bit sad and feel like I keep being cancelled on at the very last minute but I know it’s not her intention to hurt my feelings etc. I was being direct, but gentle and affirmed her feelings AND mine.
Her response was to ghost me for 2 months and then she came back 4 days after my bday to tell me first that she was frustrated at how things were left off and that she wasn’t ready to talk about them, and then when I asked for elaboration she sent me a whole paragraph about what I’ve done in the past and her personal life and how she feels like I’m asking her to do things for her but didn’t give her grace. I feel a lot of these were assumptions and instead of focusing on my initial message, completely made it about herself which frustrated me more.
Im just trying to figure out what to do in this context and not trying to victimize myself or anything but I feel stuck esp since my therapist is just telling me to consider her perspective and to have a convo in person…. I’m not trying to go “back and forth” with her but that’s what my therapist thinks this msg is intending? It feels a bit invalidating on top of already feeling bad idk.

Optional but direct context if anyone wants to read, but it’s long.

April 11/Me:
Hey, thanks for letting me know.
I definitely want you to take care of yourself, that’s important.
I took some time to think before responding and I want to be honest that I am feeling really sad and hurt—this isn’t to make you feel bad at all, but I just wanted to be transparent because I care about you and I don’t like to harbour resentment in my relationships.
I know it’s probably not personal or intentional but, I realized I feel like I’m being cancelled on a lot — and especially last minute which can be even more hurtful.
I hope you have a good day either way 🧡

06/14, her:
I’m really frustrated with how we left things and am still not really ready to talk about it…
But I’ve been thinking about you and your birthday for the past few days, so I still wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you that I hope you had a good day/great weekend (despite the humidity). 🎂🎁

06/14, me: Hi, I’m not sure what you mean — thank you for the wishes
🕯️💛 I guess im a bit confused — I was waiting for you to respond and there was a long silence but I wasn’t sure why

06/14, her: I feel like I went out of my way to meet up with you even when it was inconvenient for me constantly. There were many times when you cancelled or rescheduled or pushed dates because of mental health or busy weeks and I’d just gotten back from my trip the weekend before and the tutoring company I work for had me scheduled the day I got back to tutor, but it was my anniversary with y that day. So he was frustrated and moved our anniversary dinner and celebration to the Friday of that week, then a bunch of kids rescheduled tutoring for that weekend, so I had to tutor from 9am-1pm on Saturday, when your event started at two, and then had 5 more clients on Sunday and concert tickets to see Hayley Williams (which meant being super unrested for the second consecutive work week). I also hadn’t unpacked or cleaned and I was so overwhelmed.

And it’s like…when you have even one other thing going on during the weekend, you tell me that it’s impossible for you to do something else because you need to care for your energy. I don’t ask what your other activities are, I just accept that you need time to recharge. I very rarely say that I’m stretched too thin to show up for my friends, so when you responded about constantly being cancelled on, I was really taken aback??? I feel like you’ve cancelled or rescheduled on me, or gotten frustrated with me for not doing things in a specific way much more than I have to you? So I’m just frustrated that it feels like I was supposed to bend to your exhaustion or change plans to make you comfortable, but the one time I tell you that I can’t, you didn’t extend the same grace and implied that I hadn’t been willingly to go out of my way for you before? Like…you literally live 2 hours from me. I’ve been to your house, and you’re not willing to meet me anywhere that’s less than an hour from my house ever? And I say okay? I’m happy to look through menus to find places for both of us. I met your friends and events, and even though I was anxious, I tried my best to socialize and be with everyone, but when x and y came to the movies, you were really upset and I don’t understand. It feels like a bunch of double standards and I feel confused and really hurt.

06/14, me: Thanks for clarifying — I need some time to respond holistically.
Me (I did not send this fyi, this is what I wanted to:)

I want to preface that your feelings are valid as are my own, and it would be nice for us to be able to make space for both, I acknowledge you said you weren’t ready to talk and that’s fine, I’m responding to your previous message (I expected something a lot shorter.) I acknowledge that this interaction may be/have potentially been activating in some way— and of course not my intention, but I can make space for that. However, I do want to share that I don’t feel it was fair and I’m not really okay with the feeling that you chose to immediately throw your feelings at me after I shared mine — especially after a long period has passed. Instead of trying to at least focus a bit on the hurt I initially shared, it feels incredibly dismissive to receive what you feel I’ve done “wrong”, especially in the past, amongst the rest of this and it feels like a lot was assumed out of me. (Which I would appreciate if we can refrain from that, I do not appreciate assumptions myself)
Some of it was a bit confusing (ex. regarding your spouse getting mad at you for example,) because I don’t feel it really had anything to do with what I said, or me. It overall read as defensiveness instead and adds to the hurt that I brought up initially. Regardless, my intentions were in that I was just trying to let you know what I was feeling presently, because I didn’t want to let it fester and two truths (3?) can exist— in the past I was trying to give you grace in my own way, and I am sorry if it didn’t feel like I was. It’s clear we are on some different pages and that’s alright, but it does feel like you were holding onto a lot of feelings that you didn’t tell me before and are taking the opportunity of me sharing my feelings to air out those grievances now, which to me doesn’t feel entirely fair to my heart.

I also want to continue being honest and give a bit of perspective: It is incredibly difficult for me to share my feelings with people, especially if they are feelings of hurt, I share them with those I care about with the intention that we can hold space for both feelings and find a solution for the future, rather than myself, or you, feel we have to make assumptions with each other and potentially hold onto feelings that can snowball and blow up. My intentions were to try and gently tell you how I’m feeling, also affirming it’s important to me for you to take care of yourself, and the response I received was silence for 2 months and then when I finally receive a response it’s all of this and no acknowledgment of any of the feelings I initially shared.
A lot of this felt like it came left hook. I understand you’re hurt and frustrated, but I am kindly asking you to try and see where I’m coming from as well— my feelings were completely dismissed, even if this wasn’t your intention. I do have a really difficult time when I try to bring feelings up to someone I care about and they back burn my feelings to make space for theirs. I was never assuming ill will out of you— I left the message to hold space for a deeper conversation for later. I would’ve at least appreciated a, “hey I read your message and I have a lot of feelings, I’ll come back to this when I process this.”
We’re both human (and incredibly neurodivergent) and I’d appreciate the space to actually talk about this a bit healthier (not via text) and some light repair with some time and space. Part of the neurodivergence as well I am noticing is that there are some core “needs” between us that hasn’t been explicitly discussed, and so of course unintentionally on both cards, deep wounds are burned.

Slight TLDR;
- I’ve been feeling really bad because my friend canceled 3x on me enough that I felt the need to bring up that I hold space for her needing to cancel, but I also was holding space in that I feel hurt being cancelled at the last minute for very special events. My intentions were sharing my feelings so that we could talk through an find a solution. Of course being cancelled on triggered me but I was trying to remove the trigger and just share that I felt hurt without going deeply into why. I was gentle but direct in my feelings.
- fyi said friend (F) is allistic and has adhd
- F ghosted for 2 months, came back 4 days after my bday to tell me she was frustrated how “we left things off” and sent a long paragraph about how it feels like a “double standard” since I’ve cancelled / rescheduled on her and that she feels my standards are “too high” for her apparently but never told me any of these things before, and brought up random examples and things that I felt had nothing to do with me (ex. her fiancé being upset with her that week)
- attempted to talk to my therapist (T) abt this, and I feel she was more focused on trying to get me to see my friend’s perspective and consider what she said may be true, and that she’s human in her reply, and also that the (optional below in OG post) message I wrote would come off too strong and may make things worse.
Overall feeling shitty, and worse post session. Unsure how to release this anger.
***

I will preface that I could really use advice or some sort of validation because I feel real shitty and alone in how I feel. I know my therapist means well but whatever type of skill she’s been using for these feelings have increased my rumination cycles on this I realized after sessions which makes cptsd episodes more susceptible/intense. I can’t stop thinking / ruminating abt this situation and I’ve been ruminating in my own anger and distracting myself / “sleeping on it” (as I was told last session). Nah, I’m still angry lol. I feel like I was at a small percentage, validated in my response, but basically told that I need to consider the other person’s perspective because what they are saying might be true. I wouldn’t not consider that, but I’m a bit uneased at the feeling that I have to consider the other person’s feelings, who disrespected me, while I am still angry about it. I wrote a text (which I can include below if desired, it’s optional) I felt in response was direct but still gentle, but I was told it came off too strong and advised I just talk in person. Which is fine, but I’m failing to understand what’s wrong with being direct here, I’m not intending to be combative, but this person (friend) completely dismissed my feelings even if she didn’t “mean” to.

So I like my therapist and I’ve been with her for 2 years — she’s been helpful in a lot of areas but lately I’ve been really feeling less receptive to whatever style of CBT (?) she’s been using with me to reframe my thinking. She is trauma informed but she is not really deeply informed abt adhd and autism unfortunately. Example is the common theme recently I’ve been talking about, has been feeling upset / angry because of situations surrounding my loved ones (usually friends) — I had a friend (allistic, adhd), I will focus on as it came back up, who cancelled on a really important event last minute (day of) and last year she also cancelled on me for another important event the day of. Previous year I gave her grace and let it slide, this year I didn’t want to let it harbor resentment, so when she told me she couldn’t make it, I thanked her and expressed I understand she is taking care of herself and validated that, but I also told her I felt a bit sad and feel like I keep being cancelled on at the very last minute but I know it’s not her intention to hurt my feelings etc. I was being direct, but gentle and affirmed her feelings AND mine.
Her response was to ghost me for 2 months and then she came back 4 days after my bday to tell me first that she was frustrated at how things were left off and that she wasn’t ready to talk about them, and then when I asked for elaboration she sent me a whole paragraph about what I’ve done in the past and her personal life and how she feels like I’m asking her to do things for her but didn’t give her grace. I feel a lot of these were assumptions and instead of focusing on my initial message, completely made it about herself which frustrated me more.
Im just trying to figure out what to do in this context and not trying to victimize myself or anything but I feel stuck esp since my therapist is just telling me to consider her perspective and to have a convo in person…. I’m not trying to go “back and forth” with her but that’s what my therapist thinks this msg is intending?

Optional but direct context if anyone wants to read, but it’s long.

April 11/Me:
Hey, thanks for letting me know.
I definitely want you to take care of yourself, that’s important.
I took some time to think before responding and I want to be honest that I am feeling really sad and hurt—this isn’t to make you feel bad at all, but I just wanted to be transparent because I care about you and I don’t like to harbour resentment in my relationships.
I know it’s probably not personal or intentional but, I realized I feel like I’m being cancelled on a lot — and especially last minute which can be even more hurtful.
I hope you have a good day either way 🧡

06/14, her:
I’m really frustrated with how we left things and am still not really ready to talk about it…
But I’ve been thinking about you and your birthday for the past few days, so I still wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you that I hope you had a good day/great weekend (despite the humidity). 🎂🎁

06/14, me: Hi, I’m not sure what you mean — thank you for the wishes
🕯️💛 I guess im a bit confused — I was waiting for you to respond and there was a long silence but I wasn’t sure why

06/14, her: I feel like I went out of my way to meet up with you even when it was inconvenient for me constantly. There were many times when you cancelled or rescheduled or pushed dates because of mental health or busy weeks and I’d just gotten back from my trip the weekend before and the tutoring company I work for had me scheduled the day I got back to tutor, but it was my anniversary with y that day. So he was frustrated and moved our anniversary dinner and celebration to the Friday of that week, then a bunch of kids rescheduled tutoring for that weekend, so I had to tutor from 9am-1pm on Saturday, when your event started at two, and then had 5 more clients on Sunday and concert tickets to see Hayley Williams (which meant being super unrested for the second consecutive work week). I also hadn’t unpacked or cleaned and I was so overwhelmed.

And it’s like…when you have even one other thing going on during the weekend, you tell me that it’s impossible for you to do something else because you need to care for your energy. I don’t ask what your other activities are, I just accept that you need time to recharge. I very rarely say that I’m stretched too thin to show up for my friends, so when you responded about constantly being cancelled on, I was really taken aback??? I feel like you’ve cancelled or rescheduled on me, or gotten frustrated with me for not doing things in a specific way much more than I have to you? So I’m just frustrated that it feels like I was supposed to bend to your exhaustion or change plans to make you comfortable, but the one time I tell you that I can’t, you didn’t extend the same grace and implied that I hadn’t been willingly to go out of my way for you before? Like…you literally live 2 hours from me. I’ve been to your house, and you’re not willing to meet me anywhere that’s less than an hour from my house ever? And I say okay? I’m happy to look through menus to find places for both of us. I met your friends and events, and even though I was anxious, I tried my best to socialize and be with everyone, but when x and y came to the movies, you were really upset and I don’t understand. It feels like a bunch of double standards and I feel confused and really hurt.

06/14, me: Thanks for clarifying — I need some time to respond holistically.
Me (I did not send this fyi, this is what I wanted to:)

I want to preface that your feelings are valid as are my own, and it would be nice for us to be able to make space for both, I acknowledge you said you weren’t ready to talk and that’s fine, I’m responding to your previous message (I expected something a lot shorter.) I acknowledge that this interaction may be/have potentially been activating in some way— and of course not my intention, but I can make space for that. However, I do want to share that I don’t feel it was fair and I’m not really okay with the feeling that you chose to immediately throw your feelings at me after I shared mine — especially after a long period has passed. Instead of trying to at least focus a bit on the hurt I initially shared, it feels incredibly dismissive to receive what you feel I’ve done “wrong”, especially in the past, amongst the rest of this and it feels like a lot was assumed out of me. (Which I would appreciate if we can refrain from that, I do not appreciate assumptions myself)
Some of it was a bit confusing (ex. regarding your spouse getting mad at you for example,) because I don’t feel it really had anything to do with what I said, or me. It overall read as defensiveness instead and adds to the hurt that I brought up initially. Regardless, my intentions were in that I was just trying to let you know what I was feeling presently, because I didn’t want to let it fester and two truths (3?) can exist— in the past I was trying to give you grace in my own way, and I am sorry if it didn’t feel like I was. It’s clear we are on some different pages and that’s alright, but it does feel like you were holding onto a lot of feelings that you didn’t tell me before and are taking the opportunity of me sharing my feelings to air out those grievances now, which to me doesn’t feel entirely fair to my heart.

I also want to continue being honest and give a bit of perspective: It is incredibly difficult for me to share my feelings with people, especially if they are feelings of hurt, I share them with those I care about with the intention that we can hold space for both feelings and find a solution for the future, rather than myself, or you, feel we have to make assumptions with each other and potentially hold onto feelings that can snowball and blow up. My intentions were to try and gently tell you how I’m feeling, also affirming it’s important to me for you to take care of yourself, and the response I received was silence for 2 months and then when I finally receive a response it’s all of this and no acknowledgment of any of the feelings I initially shared.
A lot of this felt like it came left hook. I understand you’re hurt and frustrated, but I am kindly asking you to try and see where I’m coming from as well— my feelings were completely dismissed, even if this wasn’t your intention. I do have a really difficult time when I try to bring feelings up to someone I care about and they back burn my feelings to make space for theirs. I was never assuming ill will out of you— I left the message to hold space for a deeper conversation for later. I would’ve at least appreciated a, “hey I read your message and I have a lot of feelings, I’ll come back to this when I process this.”
We’re both human (and incredibly neurodivergent) and I’d appreciate the space to actually talk about this a bit healthier (not via text) and some light repair with some time and space. Part of the neurodivergence as well I am noticing is that there are some core “needs” between us that hasn’t been explicitly discussed, and so of course unintentionally on both cards, deep wounds are burned.

Hi! Im visiting and tomorrow is my last day here. So im narrowing down to these two beaches cuz they seem to have cleaner water in the area (by little Tokyo)— I would’ve liked to do smth like Malibu beaches but I don’t really wanna spend my last day here traveling for 2.5 hours to a beach 😅 an hour and a half is doable and reasonable but I can’t really trust google / Apple Maps so getting a second opinion. For MB It’s saying to take the E to the K to the 109 and it’ll lead me right there, but another app says that the 109 doesn’t take you to the beach and you’d hav to walk 40 minutes..??
For WR it’s saying to take the E to the 9 and walk. Both seem reasonable but I wanna make sure im not missing something / it isn’t inaccurate. Thank you!

Hi! Im visiting and tomorrow is my last day here. So im narrowing down to these two beaches cuz they seem to have cleaner water in the area (by little Tokyo)— I would’ve liked to do smth like Malibu beaches but I don’t really wanna spend my last day here traveling for 2.5 hours to a beach 😅 an hour and a half is doable and reasonable but I can’t really trust google / Apple Maps so getting a second opinion. For MB It’s saying to take the E to the K to the 109 and it’ll lead me right there, but another app says that the 109 doesn’t take you to the beach and you’d hav to walk 40 minutes..??
For WR it’s saying to take the E to the 9 and walk. Both seem reasonable but I wanna make sure im not missing something / it isn’t inaccurate. Thank you!

ETA: I never said I would go to this event sick nor infect people. I truly don’t understand why or what wording ppl are getting i said that made ppl think I would show up for this event if I was still sick. I said I **had** a cold. HAD is past tense. /lu
Thanks to the folks who actually supported me and all rather than assuming the worst out of me. I said don’t comment if you’re gonna be dismissive and yet ppl still did.
(little upset)

I mostly am just venting. Kind words and all appreciated, nothing less. If you feel the need to be dismissive or mean, please don’t comment.

I’m really sad and don’t know what to do w the sadness. Also my birthday is next week and I wanted to have fun with ppl for the birthday week.
For context I’m Audhd, and I was excited mostly because I rarely get to go to events that are Covid conscious … I knew testing was required, but I was told on the 31 or the first of June that we required 3 tests… I already took one test and had plans to take another, because I had a cold (knew it was a cold for a number of reasons and both rapids were negative.) **ETA2: I am NO longer sick — even if I was I WOULD NOT GO!! I am respectful and I wouldn’t want to get sick either if it was in reverse. This is also a MASKED event.

I spent $20 for a two pack of tests for myself, and I didn’t have the means to spend another $20 for another 2 tests, that’s really expensive. I had the option to get free tests somewhere by commuting, but I work 40 hours a I week + I had a cardiology appt (to talk abt POTS / dysautonomia, which honestly I’m glad I went because she referred me to a long covid clinic) and right after I had to grocery shop which I pushed myself to do. My body is so tired (see; dysautonomia lol. chronic fatigue n shit) and so I forgot to get the test. When I realize I forgot to get the second test I was like oh no.
I asked the host if anything can be done if not all 3 tests are complete and they said no.
I’m not wanting to be combative, but I couldn’t plan for this because I wasn’t informed and so I’m feeling upset because the invite only said “testing required” it didn’t say how many or frequency. The autistic part of me is confused because, the instructions weren’t clear enough and the host is also autistic and didn’t give any leeway. I am understanding because it’s their party and their home. But I just feel like some notice should’ve been given.
I don’t understand requiring 3 tests and in this economy it feels unrealistic but I guess it’s a “me” problem atp cuz I don’t really know their reasoning, I wasn’t given.
So alas. I accept I may need to miss this party. And there’s a part of me, who is working on radical acceptance, because maybe it’s for the best, and I move on… but I’m still making space for the sadness, especially given the climate.
I hate Covid so bad.

I am very understanding to a fault, I think. It’s really hard for me to ask people to show up for me due to rejection sensitivity, and the last couple years I’ve been doing pretty well at asking people to show up for me. But lately I’ve been getting cancelled out for things outside of me and it’s hard not to feel upset about it and idk what to do.

I have been so excited to turn 30 this year. I’ve celebrated another milestone this year after spending so much time preparing for it — my “house” (apartment) warming. I spent so much money on food preparation, I decorated, I bought extra furniture (that I already needed dw) and I had 3 cancellations that same timeframe… I was devastated and I cried my eyes out. My partner thankfully showed up, admittedly she was having her own MH episode and that’s why she cancelled, it still hurt. I’m still working on repair with said partner for a number of other things, thankfully she will be there for my bday this year but the inner child in me is so hurt by people not showing up, even though my therapist said for ex during the housewarming “don’t focus on who can’t show up, focus on who did, they were meant to be there!” Which i realize wasn’t helpful for me alone, because it just resulted in me pushing my feelings down for feeling upset that 2 people cancelled on me (thankfully one friend did apologize and offer to show up for me for my bday and the like— I appreciate when ppl offer to repair the hurt.) but the other friend completely ghosted me after I thanked them for honoring their needs, but wanted to admit im hurt that they have cancelled on me for 3 events in the last year. When im deeply hurt my brain thinks, “well if they cared I wouldn’t have to chase after them ..” I spent years chasing after people and just being “understanding” cuz all of my friends got adhd. (I’m Audhd.) it’s not an excuse but I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, so I just smile and nod most times.. im learning not to.

Anyway— my birthday. It’s next week, Wednesday, and most of my friends can’t go for different reasons. I understand it’s a weekday, but I was planning a get together Sunday too.
One of my best friends moved out of the area and can’t afford to, but offered to see me another time. Love her. Ironically this year only me and our mutual friend showed up for their bday this year.. they were understandably sad abt it but grateful. My partner severely broke my trust (she took accountability and apologized, we both have complex trauma so im working to forgive her.) but we are working on repair, I’d like to still see her but feeling a lot of things too. This is where the feelings feel like they are about to erupt. My other best friend has been putting a lot on their plate too, and has been for a while— they couldn’t come to my bday last year because they had something else going on, now this year they have smth else going on so I’ll probably only see them for a few hours. I feel discouraged to even plan anything because what’s the point if they are going to just leave in a couple hours anyway.

It tells my brain, “this thing is more important to you, despite the fact this only happens once a year/once in a “blue moon”. I know that’s my inner child being hurt, because my dad would never show up for me unless I begged. So that wound I realize is hurt here. I just want my friends to show up for me. My friend circle has shrunken since I’ve stopped masking and it makes me feel weird. I feel like I have friends who genuinely want to spend time with me, but are too far away or genuinely too busy, and other “friends” who don’t put in much, if any effort. It’s just me.
I want to be celebrated .. I always wished for a bday like the ones I see people have — celebrated by a bunch of people who love them. I used to, I think.. nowadays it feels like my circle has grown so small and there’s the grief of, I regret cutting ppl off, but I also acknowledge I needed to. As I enter this new decade, I feel afraid and I don’t want to. One of my biggest fears is being alone, my last bday I was alone. I know I won’t be, but still. It just sucks that I went just a couple years ago having 8 ppl at my parties for now, maybe 2. I know it’s not my “fault” but it still hurts.

I am very understanding to a fault, I think. It’s really hard for me to ask people to show up for me due to rejection sensitivity, and the last couple years I’ve been doing pretty well at asking people to show up for me. But lately I’ve been getting cancelled out for things outside of me and it’s hard not to feel upset about it and idk what to do.

I have been so excited to turn 30 this year. I’ve celebrated another milestone this year after spending so much time preparing for it — my “house” (apartment) warming. I spent so much money on food preparation, I decorated, I bought extra furniture (that I already needed dw) and I had 3 cancellations that same timeframe… I was devastated and I cried my eyes out. My partner thankfully showed up, admittedly she was having her own MH episode and that’s why she cancelled, it still hurt. I’m still working on repair with said partner for a number of other things, thankfully she will be there for my bday this year but the inner child in me is so hurt by people not showing up, even though my therapist said for ex during the housewarming “don’t focus on who can’t show up, focus on who did, they were meant to be there!” Which i realize wasn’t helpful for me alone, because it just resulted in me pushing my feelings down for feeling upset that 2 people cancelled on me (thankfully one friend did apologize and offer to show up for me for my bday and the like— I appreciate when ppl offer to repair the hurt.) but the other friend completely ghosted me after I thanked them for honoring their needs, but wanted to admit im hurt that they have cancelled on me for 3 events in the last year. When im deeply hurt my brain thinks, “well if they cared I wouldn’t have to chase after them ..” I spent years chasing after people and just being “understanding” cuz all of my friends got adhd. (I’m Audhd.) it’s not an excuse but I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, so I just smile and nod most times.. im learning not to.

Anyway— my birthday. It’s next week, Wednesday, and most of my friends can’t go for different reasons. I understand it’s a weekday, but I was planning a get together Sunday too.
One of my best friends moved out of the area and can’t afford to, but offered to see me another time. Love her. Ironically this year only me and our mutual friend showed up for their bday this year.. they were understandably sad abt it but grateful. My partner severely broke my trust (she took accountability and apologized, we both have complex trauma so im working to forgive her.) but we are working on repair, I’d like to still see her but feeling a lot of things too. This is where the feelings feel like they are about to erupt. My other best friend has been putting a lot on their plate too, and has been for a while— they couldn’t come to my bday last year because they had something else going on, now this year they have smth else going on so I’ll probably only see them for a few hours. I feel discouraged to even plan anything because what’s the point if they are going to just leave in a couple hours anyway.

It tells my brain, “this thing is more important to you, despite the fact this only happens once a year/once in a “blue moon”. I know that’s my inner child being hurt, because my dad would never show up for me unless I begged. So that wound I realize is hurt here. I just want my friends to show up for me. My friend circle has shrunken since I’ve stopped masking and it makes me feel weird. I feel like I have friends who genuinely want to spend time with me, but are too far away or genuinely too busy, and other “friends” who don’t put in much, if any effort. It’s just me.
I want to be celebrated .. I always wished for a bday like the ones I see people have — celebrated by a bunch of people who love them. I used to, I think.. nowadays it feels like my circle has grown so small and there’s the grief of, I regret cutting ppl off, but I also acknowledge I needed to. As I enter this new decade, I feel afraid and I don’t want to. One of my biggest fears is being alone, my last bday I was alone. I know I won’t be, but still. It just sucks that I went just a couple years ago having 8 ppl at my parties for now, maybe 2. I know it’s not my “fault” but it still hurts.

Hi, so I have noticed I have what feels like symptoms of “pure ocd” — the rumination I experience becomes debilitating esp after conversations. I do have cptsd and adhd, and am autistic but I’m worried about the ocd aspect because I wasn’t “formally” diagnosed w ASD but I suspect it, and my therapist can see it as well. My therapist did their own paper assessment for me and I “just barely” made the threshold and I confused a lot of the questions because the scale felt too narrows (“1-4 for if I do x thing”) and was chocked to having “ocd tendencies”. But I notice they show up a lot in my relationship but was told rOCD isn’t a “real thing”.
I have random moments where I ruminate about things but I’m ok if it’s just generalized anxiety / cPTSD causing these things but I’d like to see a specialist maybe to make sure. I have an anxious attachment I’m also healing from an my partner is disorganized so sometimes I can get triggered by the smallest things in my relationship, despite loving Partner deeply, I am unintentionally hypervigilant and my own brain is driving me insane.
My partner gets overwhelmed by things very easily and sometimes esp after we have a conflict they want space if it doesn’t end well, but in the past it’s resulted in a breakup, and my brain hyperfocuses on this. I think part of this is what “woke up” some ocd tendencies to return. I notice in relationships I have a tendency to bring my feelings up as soon as I feel them and it triggers my partner too, but I struggle to pause, because I’m afraid it won’t get resolved too. If it’s not “solved” then I will end up unintentionally making us keep talking about it until it feels resolved/satisfactory — sometimes that never comes and we are both frustrated. But her taking space after these triggers me into rumination and compulsions, sometimes my compulsions I believe are reassurance seeking externally, usually through tarot .. I feel shame about this constantly. :”) .. I’ve tried talking about this w my 2nd therapist a bit but didn’t share too deeply about the shame because .. yeah. But she knows I use tarot sometimes to reassure myself and she just tells me it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal because I’m doing it for several hours throughout the day until I feel “satisfied” and try and trust myself.
I’m not sure if I can ask here if it’s worth getting assessed professionally but it feels so overwhelming that idk what else would help. I don’t trust psychiatrists / meds very much as it’s gone bad in the past.

I’m also worried cus I’m black as well. Does anyone have any tips or anything that may help? Thank you.

Hi, so I have noticed I have what feels like symptoms of “pure ocd” — the rumination I experience becomes debilitating esp after conversations. I do have cptsd and adhd, and am autistic but I’m worried about the ocd aspect because I wasn’t “formally” diagnosed w ASD but I suspect it, and my therapist can see it as well. My therapist did their own paper assessment for me and I “just barely” made the threshold and I confused a lot of the questions because the scale felt too narrows (“1-4 for if I do x thing”) and was chocked to having “ocd tendencies”. But I notice they show up a lot in my relationship but was told rOCD isn’t a “real thing”.
I have random moments where I ruminate about things but I’m ok if it’s just generalized anxiety / cPTSD causing these things but I’d like to see a specialist maybe to make sure. I have an anxious attachment I’m also healing from an my partner is disorganized so sometimes I can get triggered by the smallest things in my relationship, despite loving Partner deeply, I am unintentionally hypervigilant and my own brain is driving me insane.
My partner gets overwhelmed by things very easily and sometimes esp after we have a conflict they want space if it doesn’t end well, but in the past it’s resulted in a breakup, and my brain hyperfocuses on this. I think part of this is what “woke up” some ocd tendencies to return. I notice in relationships I have a tendency to bring my feelings up as soon as I feel them and it triggers my partner too, but I struggle to pause, because I’m afraid it won’t get resolved too. If it’s not “solved” then I will end up unintentionally making us keep talking about it until it feels resolved/satisfactory — sometimes that never comes and we are both frustrated. But her taking space after these triggers me into rumination and compulsions, sometimes my compulsions I believe are reassurance seeking externally, usually through tarot .. I feel shame about this constantly. :”) .. I’ve tried talking about this w my 2nd therapist a bit but didn’t share too deeply about the shame because .. yeah. But she knows I use tarot sometimes to reassure myself and she just tells me it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal because I’m doing it for several hours throughout the day until I feel “satisfied” and try and trust myself.

I’m also worried cus I’m black as well. Does anyone have any tips or anything that may help? Thank you.

Hi, so I have noticed I have what feels like symptoms of “pure ocd” — the rumination I experience becomes debilitating esp after conversations. I do have cptsd and adhd, and am autistic but I’m worried about the ocd aspect because I wasn’t “formally” diagnosed w ASD but I suspect it, and my therapist can see it as well. My therapist did their own paper assessment for me and I “just barely” made the threshold and I confused a lot of the questions because the scale felt too narrows (“1-4 for if I do x thing”) and was chocked to having “ocd tendencies”. But I notice they show up a lot in my relationship but was told rOCD isn’t a “real thing”.
I have random moments where I ruminate about things but I’m ok if it’s just generalized anxiety / cPTSD causing these things but I’d like to see a specialist maybe to make sure. I have an anxious attachment I’m also healing from an my partner is disorganized so sometimes I can get triggered by the smallest things in my relationship, despite loving Partner deeply, I am unintentionally hypervigilant and my own brain is driving me insane.
I’m also worried cus I’m black as well. Does anyone have any tips or anything that may help? Thank you.