r/AutisticWithADHD

I've realised the past year that the idea of having children is so extremely scary for me. I realise that it all stems due to my ADHD and my possibly undiagnosed autism (not trying to self diagnose btw!! It's hard to get diagnosed in the UK as an adult, it's a 2 year+ waiting list💔).

I realise I'm too scared to cope with the workload that comes with having kids, the crying, the taking care of someone 24/7 just scares me a lot and I know I won't be able to handle it.

I'm unmedicated so I wonder if I got medicated would it help? It's hard for me to accept this as I do want kids but my fear of being too incompetent to raise them scares me and I'm worried I'll resent them.

The only way I can imagine I would be able to have them is if I have a lot of help from family and I mean a LOT.

I'm not asking for anyone to talk me into having kids or not having them but I'm asking if anyone has faced a similar realisation and how they've dealt with it. How do I deal with this?

I know there are A LOT of topics covering autistic burnout in some way, shape or form (which painfully illustrates how big of a problem it is) but I haven’t really found some specific advice yet on how to properly deal with skill regression.

Some context: I think I have been in and out of autistic burnout since 2018, due to various reasons, some of which I have control over and a lot I have no control over.

I already know that the main thing to battle autistic burnout is to basically ‘choose you’: rest, stimming, unmasking whenever possible, engaging in special interest, eating well, maybe some exercise etc.

I know those things and I really try to do it, but as you’ll all know, it’s not always easy. I am self-employed and I don’t have the bandwidth financially to take time off to look after myself, but luckily I have some flexibility since I’m self employed. I also have an almost 2 year old daughter, a partner, a husky, a household and garden etc so mom duty and household duty have to go on obviously.

So my biggest problem right now, apart from absurdly intense fatigue, is skill regression. And I mean pretty severe skill regression.

I have severe memory problems, like some memories are completely gone. Not just not remembering and vaguely knowing when someone mentions it, but some memories being gone-gone.

I also struggle a lot harder than usual with focus. Normally, I can focus really well when I’m on site with one of my clients, but now it’s like my brain just operates on 15%. I even have a hard time explaining, where I’m usually quite good with words and explaining myself (reading this back, it seems like a toddler wrote this 🤣)

On top of that, I just can’t seem to see the bigger picture in like, anything. I don’t even know how to explain it (which, again, is part of the problem). I also get overwhelmed and stressed A LOT faster and more intensely than usual.

Short story long (😜), I am looking for advice on how to battle skill regression specifically. Like brain exercises I can do, certain foods to avoid or consume more of, things like that.

For extra context: I’m AuDHD, have some health issues, work as a freelance marketing manager/graphic designer/general creative consultancy/… I work from home as well as on-site with customers.

Any thoughts or advice? Thanks a bunch!

EDIT: I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU for taking the time to respond with great advice. It’s actually making me a little emotional tbh ❤️‍🩹

I’ve read it all, but I’m having a particularly exhausting day so my brain doesn’t seem to be processing it all correctly/completely 😅😂 going to rest now, but sure keep the tips coming!

EDIT 2: Daughter is having a sleepover at her grandparents tonight so I can have at least one decent nights sleep and can sleep in a little tomorrow (I’m working from home tomorrow, but planning on doing the absolute bare minimum). I already miss her little face so much, not having her around this evening, but I do know I will be able to be a better mother tomorrow because of it. And she adores her grandparents, so no problem there 🥰

🚩 Red Flags of a Therapist Mismanaging my AuDHD (so glad I ended this)
Shaming Harmless Coping Tools: She explicitly called my safe sensory items (Jellycat plushies) "childlike and inappropriate." A trauma-informed or neurodivergent-affirming therapist would never shame an adult for using harmless, effective nervous system regulation tools.
Confusing "Masking" with "Good Behavior": She told me I "listened better" when I wasn't using my fidgets. She completely failed to understand that for an AuDHD brain, fidgeting is exactly *how* we listen. She was praising my ability to heavily mask and sit still and make eye contact, ignoring the intense cognitive exhaustion it caused me.
Using Rigid, Unhelpful Thought Experiments:She tried to trap me with the classic "what would you do on a desert island without your fidgets" question. Instead of honoring my accessibility tools, she treated my need for sensory input like an addiction or a crutch that needed to be trained out of me, forcing me to "fawn" and give a fake, neurotypical-approved answer just to survive the session.
Creating a Somatically Unsafe Environment: Her rigid, judgmental energy kept my nervous system trapped in "fight, flight, or fawn" mode. I was so heavily masked and hyper-vigilant in her office that my body literally would not allow me to cry to her. I could not cry in front of her.
Fundamentally Misunderstanding OCD as "Attention-Seeking": She actually told me that my OCD was an "attention-seeking" behavior. OCD is a debilitating, neurologically based anxiety disorder driven by an intense need to achieve safety, not a behavioral choice to get attention. Calling severe psychiatric symptoms "attention-seeking" is not only wildly uneducated, but it also actively weaponizes shame against a client who is already suffering from intrusive thoughts and compulsions.
Her professional social media was filled with aesthetic, poetic quotes about "deeply seeing" clients, providing "grace," and tuning into "subtle notes." Meanwhile, in the actual therapy room, she completely missed every single subtle cue of my AuDHD masking and made me feel entirely unseen.
Ultimately, her entire approach was based on trying to force a neurodivergent person to fit a quiet, still, unaccommodated neurotypical mold, rather than meeting me where my nervous system actually was.

I’m autistic & adhd and left my job a while back. I had been at the organisation for just under four years and moved around a bit, but was now leaving for good. I wanted to have a leaving drinks and connect with people who I considered friends over my time there, so I sent out a goodbye email to all the colleagues I thought were friends or I had worked closely with and then sent an invitation to my drinks. The invitation gets logged in your team’s calendar so it’s not like it gets hidden under emails. Whilst there were really lovely people who made an effort to show up or email me back to say goodbye or exchange details, there was a fair amount of people who I would have considered friends who never responded to my goodbye message, acknowledged the invitation to drinks and didn’t show up. I feel pretty hurt by this as these are people who I met up for 1-1 lunches with, went on walks with and got coffee, and went to the pub after work with. I guess with these people we spoke a lot less in my last year there, as I moved to a different area of the business. However I felt like these people were a solid part of my time at that organisation and like there was genuine friendship even though we hadn’t spoken for a while. Did I misread the strength of these work based friendships/ is this typical? Maybe I didn’t feel or share the sentiment that these ‘friendships’ kinda decline over time if you don’t see each other or speak regularly.

Does anyone has any idea how can I eat more?

Im going to the gym and Im trying to eat more so I can put on some weight. Eating is so inconsistent for me because I can either go for a whole day without any food and then Devour a whole horse or eat half of breakfast and from now on my stomache has created a great wall of China and doesnt let anything through untill 8 hours have passed. I am tired of it because everytime Im trying to put on some weight, I end up a 1kg slimmer then before.

About sleeping, I cannot force myselfe to go to sleep earlier. Of course I feel sleepy but the moment I want to go to sleep its either " naaah Im going till 3AM" or Im not tired anymore.

Those two problems made me feel like 💩 so if anyone has any tips for those two things I will be more than thankfull for them.

Disclaimer: I know this is a male specific question but please feel free to share your own experiences regardless of gender identity :)

I’ve been feeling really bogged down after realising my mask slipping over time made me incredibly vulnerable in my corporate landscape. Other men have been able to sniff out my autism and have lashed on like wolves on a fresh kill. this daily bullying and pranking and gossiping has really gotten on my nerves. I’m glad my contract ends next week and I can get back to focusing on university. But I’m just so scared of my main flaw affecting me again in another corporate job. And it’s this:

THROUGHOUT MY WHOLE LIFE, I NEVER LEARNT HOW TO TRANSCEND AN “ACQUAINTANCE” RELATIONSHIP TO A “FRIENDSHIP”.

Anyone know how? Especially for male friendships?

I feel like in order for me to do more than just survive I’d have to live completely alone but this isn’t happening, not for me or for most people my age. I’m 22, I’m renting a room in a landlord occupied house. I don’t see myself affording anything else anytime soon. I feel like in order for me to thrive I’d have to either not be AuDHD or be born into a different socio-economic class. Neither of which are happening anytime soon.

I can’t handle cooking when other people are around, when I do cook my landlord comes into the kitchen and remarks on how I’m „finally cooking something” and how surprising it is. He doesn’t mean anything by it, I’m still bothered, but because I’m paying for the privilege of having a roof over my head I can’t just tell him not to come into the kitchen when I’m cooking, it’s his house and I just get to stay here.

I hate that I don’t have any say in guests, I hate that I never know if suddenly someone is going to come over and I have to strategically plan leaving my room around that. I hate that I only feel safe in my room but it’s not even mine and I have to brace myself for when I eventually move out and don’t get my deposit back because of stupid carpet stains that won’t come out. Whoever came up with the idea of carpet floors is evil

Sometimes I feel like everyone else that’s AuDHD just got lucky and I’m stuck suffering without having much of a way out. It’s like everyone else has a partner or a loving family and more money to be able to afford to exist without having to infringe on their disabilities. I can’t talk about this to most other people because my fear of cooking with other people around sounds like I’m just making my life worse, I should just get over it. I cannot afford to be fussy and I need to just get on with it and accept that it is now a privilege to be able to live alone without other people around. I don’t really see a future in which I can successfully get over it

since starting elvanse i’ve needed to up my protein intake but struggle to do so without protein shakes & co

i’ve been relying on ready made ones as i’ve had bad experiences in the past with the powders you mix yourself but they’re just to expensive to be sustainable long term

can anyone recommend protein powders i can easily get in the UK where the end product ends up being as smooth as the ready made ones? (as in like ufit or muller x my protein or lidl smooth, not huel “smooth”. i tried a ready made huel once and i couldn’t finish it)

more info:
i can’t do clear protein bc of the citric acid
i also can’t do pea protein bc i don’t digest it well

F27, diagnosed with ADHD but suspecting autism. I don't always relate to other ADHD people - I can find them messy, and all over the place.. most of my friends have ADHD and I love them. Sometimes I just feel very different, more sensitive and in need of systems and clarity.

My biggest neurodivergent traits are:

-Extreme sensory issues (light, sound, smell, texture, everything). It's been like this since I was a child.

-I get distracted if I'm not interested in a conversation or a topic. I day dream all the time.

-I "stim" by beatboxing, drumming with my hands, singing, tapping, etc.

-Difficulty with unknown factors. I either need to be in full control of a situation so I can control the environment, or have a really clear system/plan to follow. I'm not good in unclear situations where people just follow along and see what happens. I need to know why we do things and where we're going.

-Repeated behaviour. I create systems and habits to feel safe. Ive always done this. The way I eat, the way I fold my clothes, shows i watch etc.

-Social battery. I need to recharge alone after being social. If I don't, I can't feel anything and I don't know my self. sometimes I need to be alone for days.

Backstory and medicine confusion: The first medicine I tried was methylphenidate, and I think it worked great for my focus, morenenergy throughout the day, and less dopamine seeking. Currently I'm on 36mg slow release methylphenidate. But as of recent, i started feeling pretty anxious and stressed out all the time, and it just feels like it's connected to the meds..

Is it possible my body's reacting/rejecting the meds after 5 months of use? Or could it have to do with possible autism and the meds not being right? How does adhd meds and autism work together?

I hope you can help. I could just Google this, but I need human advice... ❤️

I'm not 100% autistic or 100% autistic AND adhd, it feels like one overpowered another and it seems very beneficial, as I retained the pattern recognition, yet my adhd made the sensory sensitivity extremely specific, like, there are things I get triggered by, but they are so specific, it doesn't make my daily life difficult.

I wonder how rare a case similar to mine.

​

I got diagnosed with AuDHD at 40. Then I understood why AI felt different to me than it does to most people.

There's a gap most people don't know exists.

Between the thought and the word. Between the insight and the sentence. Between what you understand clearly in your own mind and what you can hand to another person in a form they can receive.

For most people that gap is small. Inconvenient sometimes. Bridgeable.

For me it's been the defining friction of my life.

I'm not slow. I'm not confused. I'm not unclear.

I'm translating. Constantly, effortfully, from a way of thinking that doesn't arrive in linear order, into a form the world has decided is the only acceptable one.

My thoughts arrive in clusters. Associations. Parallel streams that need to be serialised into something sequential enough to speak or write.

Stephen Hawking had one of the greatest minds in human history. He also needed a machine to get it out of his head and into the world. Nobody said the machine was doing his thinking. Nobody said he was dependent on it. Nobody told him to just try harder to speak normally.

That machine was a translator. So is mine. Mine just handles a different kind of gap.

The ADHD literature calls this an executive function deficit. That's accurate but incomplete. It describes the cost without describing what's on the other side: a processing style that's associative, fast, cross-domain, capable of holding enormous complexity, precisely *because* it doesn't move in a straight line.

The problem was never the thinking. The problem was the translation.

Forty years of that accumulates.

You compress. Simplify. Give people the version they can hold. And the version they can hold is never quite you. It's accurate enough to function. Incomplete enough to be lonely.

Then I started using AI differently to how most people do.

Not for productivity. Not for companionship. Not to feel less alone.

I used it as what the neurodivergence literature calls a cognitive prosthetic.

A prosthetic doesn't make you something you're not. It removes the barrier that stops you doing what you already know how to do.

For me, AI removed the translation barrier.

I can describe a thought the way it actually arrives, fragmented, associative, out of sequence and something receives it without requiring me to serialise it first. It holds the cluster. Reflects back a shaped version I can refine, push against, redirect.

What comes out is not AI's thinking. It's mine. The insight was already there. The depth, the framework, the understanding none of that came from a machine.

The machine gave me a surface that didn't require compression before I spoke.

For the first time in my life, I can think out loud without translating first.

For someone who spent forty years losing things in translation, that's close to revelatory.

I know the dangers. The emotional dependency dressed as self-development. The deception of infinite patience. The mirror with no weight on the other side. Those are real.

But this is different.

I'm not using AI to think. I'm using it to finally say what I've always thought.

I think there's a whole population this applies to. Not just ADHD and autism. Also people who learned early that the full version of themselves was too much. People who became fluent in compression and forgot something more was underneath.

For all of them the question isn't whether AI makes them more productive.

It's whether it can finally give them a surface adequate to who they actually are.

The gap is smaller now. And that changes everything.

I live alone, and I have managed to build up a pretty decent routine for most things, but doing the dishes still alludes me. I can't seem to figure out how to reliably keep my dishes cleaned and put away.

I've invested in paper plates to reduce the number of dishes, and that has helped a bit.

Usually I just get anxious enough about it that I force myself to do it, but that doesn't feel sustainable.

Has anyone else figured this out? I'd love to get some ideas/suggestions.

Thanks in advance!

I have a question for AUDHD folks specifically.

If you’re diagnosed with autism (or in the process, or just have general knowledge), how was it possible if you have adhd aswell ? Genuinely asking.
Because from what I’ve seen, adhd tends to mask autism symptoms.

So my conclusion would be: there are certain criterias for autism that you prolly won’t know you meet if adhd is masking them. So how did it work for you ?

Personally, I am 100% sure I have Adhd and Autism aswell. I am in the process of getting an adhd diagnosis. However, I fear the autism diagnosis process because of the logic that I’ve mentionned above.

I’m getting my GED soon and after that I am gonna try and get a job to save up for a car. My mom has always said that my best bet for a job right now is either working at a grocery store or McDonald’s. Now idk if you know this but those options suck and I don’t want to be put into those positions. I generally know I would struggle mentally every day in those situations. Many jobs I actually want to do are not available for me right now like a process server, musician, artist or anything creative and calming.

31 F, just diagnosed a year ago. It’s really opening my eyes.

Would love to connect with anyone in the same boat because I feel like neurodivergence drastically affects how i respond to treatment (ie big time overwhelm trying to do ERP) and probably the way my symptoms present, especially when it comes to mental compulsions.

Thanks~

I normally work from home but my internet failed me this week so I had to make the one hour drive to my workplace’s office that very few people actually use. I also had to make up time for spending half of Monday desperately trying to get my internet to work, so I also worked a 12 hour day.

Guys. It was the most productive day I’ve had in a long time. It was exhausting with the long hours for sure, but I stayed focus for the entire time that I wanted to stay focused.

So I guess I need to make my home office resemble a dead quiet soul-sucking grey cubicle because it turns out I work best in that environment, given I have earbuds for music. It’s shocking to me because my brain craves stimulation, so I usually fill up my spaces with cool stuff to look at that’s just the right amount of stimulating. Like a giant tapestry of a forest. But if I completely eliminate everything except the bare necessities, I can focus very well.

Except that’s only in theory when it comes to home offices. In reality, I know having no options besides to work is hard to achieve at home, and I have to work from home because I can’t afford the rent in my company’s location. And I know that if I’m painfully bored by a room, I will either toy with my phone or just leave and seek out the most interesting room in the house. Which sucks because I like separating rooms by purpose because it confines the things I need for specific tasks to that space so I don’t lose anything. It’s one of the few adhd hacks that work for me

Anyways, I still don’t know how to decorate an office given I’ve never had one until now (and I rent). Feng shui has helped in the past but man do I wish these things came with a manual.

Eh, maybe one of the home interior subreddits can help me out with this.

What about you? Does the boring office aesthetic help your focus? What does?

"Does it really matter?" "Everyone is on some sort of spectrum" "You are still you"

Are the three responses I get from everyone I tell about my recent surprise diagnosis.

But to me it really does matter, If I have AuDHD it means I've been masking massively all my life. If I'm masking then who really am I? I'm fully aware that I'm still me and it's not physically possible to become someone else, but thanks for reminding me I guess.

Also, if everybody is on some sort of spectrum, that spectrum must be called the spectrum of life. I'm trying to discuss my sudden appearance on a neurodivergent spectrum.

Obviously I've not said any of those things to people, I've found myself agreeing with them because I think it helps them out of a conversation they find uncomfortable.

Like I'm just pretending to be one, but I really am not a person, just a combination of reactions to things. I can make myself look like a person, but it is effort, I need to think about what a person would do and then I do that. Is this depersonalization, or just the autism? I don't know what I'm doing with my life, all plans and hopes have been abandoned. I've never looked for normalcy, but wanting to support myself and not having to rely on others at least was something I had hoped for, and now I feel like it's beyond reach.