u/Aware-Stage9638

Disclaimer: I know this is a male specific question but please feel free to share your own experiences regardless of gender identity :)

I’ve been feeling really bogged down after realising my mask slipping over time made me incredibly vulnerable in my corporate landscape. Other men have been able to sniff out my autism and have lashed on like wolves on a fresh kill. this daily bullying and pranking and gossiping has really gotten on my nerves. I’m glad my contract ends next week and I can get back to focusing on university. But I’m just so scared of my main flaw affecting me again in another corporate job. And it’s this:

THROUGHOUT MY WHOLE LIFE, I NEVER LEARNT HOW TO TRANSCEND AN “ACQUAINTANCE” RELATIONSHIP TO A “FRIENDSHIP”.

Anyone know how? Especially for male friendships?

Being AuDHD significantly raises the risk of s\*xual violence and assault, especially for women. But I never fully realised how much it occurred to male neurodivergents too, until I started connecting the dots of my own personal experiences and hearing the experiences of my male AuDHD friends.

Throughout my life I was disgusted by people kissing me, especially mouth kissing. Whenever women would try to kiss me on the mouth, I would almost wince in disgust but just played through it because I genuinely liked them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is very very different to me being the “kissing initiator” where I would kiss the other person over the body, face etc EXCEPT on the mouth. I really like doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in control or something. Another thing is I HATE receiving hugs but I love giving them, especially to women.

I was always really confused about this strange dichotomy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was a young boy growing up, as a south Asian, I was very light skinned and older south asian adults connected to my parents such as distant aunts, family friends etc would frequently praise me for being “light like a white kid”. I would find this strange but didn’t question it. I realised that when I was young, these creepy older adult women would forcibly grab me, hug me, kiss me full on the mouth and touch my genitals over my pants. I found it disgusting all the time especially the mouth kissing and would try to wipe it off and spit out the wet feeling on my lips. I didn’t KNOW how to say no. My parents realised that the physical contact they gave me themselves made me uncomfortable so they always ensured I was the one allowed to initiate. These creepy mfs never did it in front of my parents.

After speaking with my psychiatrist, all of a sudden, the lifelong obsession with (consensual) rough s\*x and liking being in control during intimate s\*xual moments with women was brought into a new light. I liked PUNISHING these women for their supposed link to the actions of those older adult women from the past.

This makes me feel really disgusting and I want to apologise to my prior partners. I loved them all really deeply I really did and despite them also consensually enjoying the dom + rough s\*x, it wasn’t coming from a good place.

I don’t know how to accept affection anymore , I just know how to give it

Being AuDHD significantly raises the risk of s\*xual violence and assault, especially for women. But I never fully realised how much it occurred to male neurodivergents too, until I started connecting the dots of my own personal experiences and hearing the experiences of my male AuDHD friends.

Throughout my life I was disgusted by people kissing me, especially mouth kissing. Whenever women would try to kiss me on the mouth, I would almost wince in disgust but just played through it because I genuinely liked them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is very very different to me being the “kissing initiator” where I would kiss the other person over the body, face etc EXCEPT on the mouth. I really like doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in control or something. Another thing is I HATE receiving hugs but I love giving them, especially to women.

I was always really confused about this strange dichotomy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was a young boy growing up, as a south Asian, I was very light skinned and older south asian adults connected to my parents such as distant aunts, family friends etc would frequently praise me for being “light like a white kid”. I would find this strange but didn’t question it. I realised that when I was young, these creepy older adult women would forcibly grab me, hug me, kiss me full on the mouth and touch my genitals over my pants. I found it disgusting all the time especially the mouth kissing and would try to wipe it off and spit out the wet feeling on my lips. I didn’t KNOW how to say no. My parents realised that the physical contact they gave me themselves made me uncomfortable so they always ensured I was the one allowed to initiate. These creepy mfs never did it in front of my parents.

After speaking with my psychiatrist, all of a sudden, the lifelong obsession with (consensual) rough s\*x and liking being in control during intimate s\*xual moments with women was brought into a new light. I liked PUNISHING these women for their supposed link to the actions of those older adult women from the past.

This makes me feel really disgusting and I want to apologise to my prior partners. I loved them all really deeply I really did and despite them also consensually enjoying the dom + rough s\*x, it wasn’t coming from a good place.

I don’t know how to accept affection anymore , I just know how to give it

Being AuDHD significantly raises the risk of s*xual violence and assault, especially for women. But I never fully realised how much it occurred to male neurodivergents too, until I started connecting the dots of my own personal experiences and hearing the experiences of my male AuDHD friends.

Throughout my life I was disgusted by people kissing me, especially mouth kissing. Whenever women would try to kiss me on the mouth, I would almost wince in disgust but just played through it because I genuinely liked them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is very very different to me being the “kissing initiator” where I would kiss the other person over the body, face etc EXCEPT on the mouth. I really like doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in control or something. Another thing is I HATE receiving hugs but I love giving them, especially to women.

I was always really confused about this strange dichotomy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was a young boy growing up, as a south Asian, I was very light skinned and older south asian adults connected to my parents such as distant aunts, family friends etc would frequently praise me for being “light like a white kid”. I would find this strange but didn’t question it. I realised that when I was young, these creepy older adult women would forcibly grab me, hug me, kiss me full on the mouth and touch my genitals over my pants. I found it disgusting all the time especially the mouth kissing and would try to wipe it off and spit out the wet feeling on my lips. I didn’t KNOW how to say no. My parents realised that the physical contact they gave me themselves made me uncomfortable so they always ensured I was the one allowed to initiate. These creepy mfs never did it in front of my parents.

After speaking with my psychiatrist, all of a sudden, the lifelong obsession with (consensual) rough s*x and liking being in control during intimate s*xual moments with women was brought into a new light. I liked PUNISHING these women for their supposed link to the actions of those older adult women from the past.

This makes me feel really disgusting and I want to apologise to my prior partners. I loved them all really deeply I really did and despite them also consensually enjoying the dom + rough s*x, it wasn’t coming from a good place.

I don’t know how to accept affection anymore , I just know how to give it

I’m 22. Ultrasound showed Left testicle is ok. Right testicle is atrophic (8mL) with mild microlithiasis. It’s a double heightened risk factor but doc says that I probably don’t need biopsy yet but I’m still waiting on testosterone and hormone level results in blood test and plan to see fertility doctor soon for semen analysis.

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about it and it’s like my heart and stomach are about to burst open from the stress.