r/AutisticAdults

Late diagnosed autistic here, was recently talking to an autistic friend and discovered they don’t have meltdowns. I for SURE have meltdowns so am totally curious about what this looks like for other autistic adults and how you cope.

I’ll start throwing things, screaming, crying, and in some (severe) cases even hurt myself when I have a meltdown. I’ll do things such as rip out chunks of my hair, scratch at my skin, or even choke myself. I have no clue how to deal with these meltdowns, and it seems my therapy tips aren’t helping much! anything is helpful!!! thank you in advance

So, im in the regional center. A few weeks ago, they send my mom an email asking if I wanna attend an internet safety class. I tell her I don’t want it, because I feel like if I am 19, almost 20, and still don’t know the basics, then I shouldn’t be on the damn internet. she says “well you didn’t know.“

for context, I was involved with this situationship with a guy, as well as with a girl group. The guy I met via fandom in 2023, we met up the following year, became close, but then shit happened and we do not talk anymore…he was kinda a red flag sometimes and because I didn’t want to let go, she made me stop talking to him last year.

the girl group, I knew them since I was 12, we were close, I was especially close to one girl, who was the admin of our group. they all lived in the UK, and I even told her I was gonna plan on flying out there one day so we can finally meet. but last year she turned her back on me…

This is a very sensitive topic for me because I was genuinely in love with the guy and i really thought the girls were my besties…I grew up with no friends so I genuinely do not know how to handle this heartbreak of losing everyone I loved.

So, today, she asks me what time did I want to attend, I told her once again I didn’t want it. And she asks why, and so I say if I am 19 and don’t know the basics then that’s a problem. and she once again repeats, “well you didn’t know. this is what irritates me with you, youre autistic when its convenient for you”..

after that I’ve just kinda been mute for most of the day. because for one, I am ashamed of being autistic. I don’t use my disability when it’s convenient for me at all..hell not even online…if anything I mask and mask more.

and two, she acts like she doesn’t have terrible friends that she STILL is in communication with…she keeps holding my situation over my head and I can’t take it anymore.

Am I taking the whole online safety class too personal? :(

Today, I had a conversation with my boss, in which she tried to talk me into quitting my job - for no other reason than my autism, and her profoundly wrong conception of how my autism impacts workplace safety.

First, she tried to convince me that quitting would be in my best interest. Then, when she finally realized that I am too smart for that, she tried working on my empathy towards my colleagues, and (ironically) my dedication to the company: she expressed that others had been worried about me (for simple things like the occasional sensory overload), and had apparently shared their worry with her, rather than with me.

Well, my dear friends at work: I deeply appreciate your concern for my well-being, but I would have appreciated it far more if you had just told me, so I could have put you at ease - and you would not inadvertently have given any more ammunition to that perfidious, ableist witch.

Hi,

When I make mistakes at work my supervisors and mentors will try to communicate correction with hints or emotional reactions which works for the other people somehow. I made errors last week and I am not sure what my supervisor gleaned was my intent, but she has been giving me a cold shoulder and short communication. She has also implied I am somehow less trustworthy. But this is a new job and I am bending over backward trying to please. I am making mistakes, but I am not trying to hurt or take advantage of anyone. I am just trying to learn. I haven't been able to pinpoint where this is coming from.

She hasn't said anything directly. Just started monitoring me closer and makes short curt comments with little detail. She stopped all small talk and smiling, but only with me. If I knew what she was upset about I would try and resolve it. But I have done something to make her think I wont be receptive.

I am sure this is my inability to understand subtle ques, or some misunderstanding I had of the rules. Or perhaps I did not say the right thing when criticized. I discovered a few months ago the phrase "My mistake" is NOT viewed as taking responsibility for a mistake, but instead as disregarding the concern. Maybe its something like that?

I am so confused. How do I approach her? How can I explain I struggle when people don't use direct language? What should I say to her to show her I am eager to resolve this?

To keep the story short and sweet, I was recently diagnosed with autism while living with my ex girlfriend. We were on really good terms, but part of my masking as an autistic person was extreme people pleasing. This was basically killing me, so I had to start putting my foot down and setting boundaries. The boundaries I set with my ex were pretty standard accommodations for the autism. Quiet time after midnight, an hour heads up when people were coming over, the ability to walk away from conversations if I was feeling a meltdown coming on, etc….

The last thing was a request that my ex starts to pay back the debt she owes me. In total this debt adds up to 1400 dollars after paying portions of her rent and the entire security deposit.

Following that conversation, she became a completely different person. She began to go out of her way to break the boundaries and claimed that she didn’t owe me any money because she does more of the chores (I struggle to do some of the chores because I’m having to work beyond my capacity to ensure both my and her rent are getting paid)

She has started using my autistic meltdowns against me, knowing that I have a flight response to conflict and will usually try to run away to have a meltdown alone. She has started blocking my ability to leave confrontations and will continue to berate me so that she can record me having the meltdown on her phone.

During these meltdowns where she was obviously recording me I did call her an asshole and a monster, but in my defense she was literally chasing me around the house to yell at me and call me a lazy sack of shit after a 10 hour shift.

A few days ago at work my mom called me to say that my ex called her along with anyone else who will listen to falsely accuse me of emotional and psychological abuse. She is now saying that I can either pay her a chunk of cash to get off the lease or she will get a restraining order. I’m worried that the audio recordings of me crying and calling her an asshole would make me look horrible in court, so I may be stuck paying my way out even if she doesn’t actually have proof of any abuse.

In the meantime she is using the presence of her father to keep me away from the apartment. This father is prone to violence and has said vaguely threatening things to me and others before (I used to work at a bar where he was a regular that would start fights all the time)

I believe she is doing this because she knows she can’t pay me back and just doesn’t want to live with a person who she has to make any accommodations for.

I’m probably stuck paying her the money she wants so I can get off the lease and just be done with everything, but I’m really kicking myself in the ass for being in a 3 year relationship with her. Idk if I missed warning signs because of the autism, but if I did idk if I can trust myself in future relationships.

I had a late autism diagnosis (37).
Meaning I’ve become a little bit good on the masking side. I’ve learned what makes people angry and avoid it, but I’ve also learned what makes people happy/at ease.

People love gossip, giving their opinion on famous people/subjects and open questions about things they think they know. Also basic/simple jokes can be helpful.

So if I’m going to have a difficult conversation or I’m going to request something, I want them to think I care about whatever they care, so they reciprocate that feeling with me. Meaning I already have 50% of the battle won. Now it’s up to me to let them know how they can help me.

I’ve being doing this for quite a while but now that I’m diagnosed I feel like I’m manipulating people. However, when I don’t follow this kind of procedure people tend to be more critical of me and my requests, resulting in a much more complicated conversation. So I give them what they want even if I feel like it’s stupid and time wasting.

Does anyone ever feel like this?

Now I understand masking and its consequences for me, but I also understand the consequences for other people when I don’t mask (they feel I don’t care for them, they feel I’m a robot or just plain weird). Tit for tat I guess.

I (F) am turning 28 in a couple months and I feel like things are worse than ever. Honestly feel more tistic in the last couple years (tugging my hair, banging my head against walls, hitting my body or head with objects, shaking my head rapidly, getting overwhelmed etc).

Meanwhile prior to that I was just kinda hating life, but rolling with the punches (had sh prev, but not like this). I’m not too familiar with it all, but I figured these behaviours would’ve been more apparent when I was a kid, than emerging when I’m an adult.

Nervous for what the next few years hold, curious if any others have been/are going through something similar and can confirm if it gets easier 😭

Therapy is expensive and isn’t an option 🙏🏼

I 20m am having trouble with verbal processing. The problem is that sometimes my thoughts are inappropriate and things that should be kept as thoughts are said aloud. Any tips or tricks to prevent this from happening more often. Or how to catch yourself from saying inappropriate things. I just don’t want to get in trouble.

My friend (F 30, audhd) and I (NB 33, autism ocd) have been friends for a while. We are neighbours as well as her being married to my best friend (M 30).

We very frequently watch tv or movies together the three of us (best friend, friend, and I). Recently a problem has been arising and making me more and more angry as time goes on with no way that it has really gotten resolved. While my best friend and I have very similar if not identical tastes in movies and tv, my friend has very different tastes to us. Think HBO antihero focused shows versus network tv detective shows respectively.

Very often we will watch shows/movies/documentaries where I have a different opinion on or an experience that makes me relate to the media in a different way from her and we will get into a cycle of what I call "arguing opinions". We have established repeatedly over the years that arguing opinions will do nothing but make both of us angry and frustrated with one another.

I've tried to back off and have definitely stopped giving my real opinion on the things that she enjoys, but she has repeatedly continued arguing that the things that I enjoy are bad, stupid, or poorly written. She will constantly argue that it is a fact that her shows are just superior and will talk about how they are better written or that because her preferred type of show is much more mass appealing that it makes it superior. Sometimes she will simply watch something that I enjoyed and say "that made me uncomfortable and it was unnecessary to show that and therefore it's bad writing".

I will often get sucked into the arguments against my better judgement because I feel like she is not understanding what I am trying to say when I give my opinion (which I will repeatedly say is my opinion not a fact). She will often continuously argue because she states that she is arguing the facts about the structure, the writing, or other things about the shows that are objective fact rather than personal tastes. In the end I will just bite my tongue, let her know that I'm done with the conversation, and we will move on to another topic.

Only to repeat the cycle when we watch a new piece of media together. Every. Single. Time.

I am wracking my brain of how to escape this endless cycle of arguing opinions without getting angry, hurt, and cruel. I am tired of this cycle and I don't want to just stop watching things with my friends because I do enjoy sharing the things I enjoy with people, but I don't particularly like feeling on trial every time I share something that my friend doesn't like.

EDIT: accidentally swapped our autisms oops

Hi. I'm currently thinking of moving out from a house to a flat to accommodate my needs a little better, get away from noise. I'm from the UK so it is specific to the way they're built here I suppose... if they were built at all, I've heard horror stories. Assuming there's no horror stories in the places I look at, what can I do to help myself when that time comes?

Specifically where there are noise issues, what is there to look out for?

I already know one from my past experiences: never live near a main road.

Is there an alternative?

Hi. First time making a post here. It's my birthday today. Every time it's my birthday, I feel depressed -- can range from mild to severe -- and I hate having one. Nothing ever happens on it, negative things always happens, and it feels like any other day to me, so I feel numb to it. It's a depressing reminder of getting older, too. (Ageing is natural, I know, but it changes things about you). My birthday makes me feel lonely, too. I don't have friends and close people to spend it with either -- likewise in general, daily and weekly, too -- so I feel like I'm not part of the world, and don't feel happy. It doesn't matter to me if my birthday gets remembered or not. Got too used to not caring about it -- not many cared about mine anyway. Does anyone else experience these things on your birthday, and in general?

and it gets to you because you need more understanding and tolerance?

I have been diagnosed twice with autism, once in 2024 by a PMHNP (psychiatric mental-health nurse practitioner) who used to prescribe me my medications. No testing was given, just a report. I wanted a more thorough diagnosis so I got evaluated again by a CWSA (clinical social work associate) who tested me with the MIGDAS-2 and other questionnaires. The CSWA was overseen by a supervisor who was a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker.) I have seen some people say it has to be a psychologist. But I have not been able to find any psychologists who took my insurance. Are my diagnoses okay or do I need to find a psychologist?

Something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Most autistic adults I know look completely fine from the outside. Jobs, relationships, social events, eye contact on demand. All of it.
And also, quietly, privately, running on a battery that has not been above 6% in years.
The gap between those two things is enormous. And almost nobody outside this community understands it because the whole point of high masking is that nobody can see it.
What gets me is that the people who are best at passing are usually the ones carrying the most. Because passing takes everything. And when you are good at it, nobody thinks to ask how you actually are.
Late diagnosis changed something for me. Not because it fixed anything. Because it finally gave me the right word for what the exhaustion actually was. Not laziness. Not weakness. The specific, measurable cost of performing a version of yourself that was never quite true.
Functioning and okay are not the same thing. Looking fine and being fine are not the same thing.
Does anyone else find that the hardest part is not the hard days, it is the days when you perform it so well that even the people closest to you have no idea?

I rock back and forth, done it since I was a kid. Met very few people that do it.

I am 30 and feel so immature. Diagnosed at 4 years old, I have felt I been different my whole life. Even today people instantly tell and people laughed in my face. I feel in a way, I am very immature. Maybe it is because the stuff I like. But adults even treat me like I am immature. Shit, 40 year olds treat me like I am 15 sometimes. I wear graphic shirts everyday, whether it is stuff like mario, epongebob, one piece, looney tunes. I am in to video games, trading cards. I watch cartoons. I like stuffed animals and toys. I might sound like a loser for getting obsessed with toys but idk how to explain it I just get obsessed with stuff. Idk. At times I feel like I am a man baby. Then I see people in their early mid 20s and think dang they are so more mature than me. I still live with my parents and have no friends.

It's so ironic but I've been in a constant autopilot state of masking my entire life that when I try to allow myself to be 'me', I feel like I'm pretending even more than when I'm truly masking.

When I do things like talk in my unmasked monotone voice or stop making uncomfortable eye contact, I feel like I'm being really performative; like I'm being a cringe protestor. I see & hear of others unmasking and I think it's really empowering but I guess the only thing that has helped me make friends, get jobs etc. is masking. I know masking works.. until it doesn't & I get burnt out. But when I try to unmask, it's almost as if I'm forcing myself to act more autistic than I am, when in actual fact, things like eye contact really can be painful.

Even when I ask for accommodations, I feel like I'm taking the piss & just taking advantage of the system.

EDIT: thank you all for your comments! I was afraid that I was being autistic 'wrong'. Years of being & feeling different in society sometimes make me feel like I don't even belong in autistic-focused groups; I feel like I'm going to say or act wrong & I have to be autistic in a certain way, even though I have lived experience! Thank you thank you thank you all ❤️

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My husband and I have had a lot of discussions lately. I am diagnosed with autism and he knows that since we met. But since we are married (1 year now) and live together, he is sometimes annoyed about my stiming or that I am too childish.

I collect hello Kitty's and unicorns and love watching cartoons but I had a job before and I know when I need to mask and act like an adult. I can drive one my own (at least with breakdowns after 😔)

I just have the feeling that since we are married everything has changed, before he was really supportive and understanding.

Yesterday he came up with the idea that I should not wear headphones anymore outside. Because I should get used to the noises 😬 And even when I try to explain him everything calm, that my brain is not working like that, he just thinks I am not trying enough.

I don't know what I should do. Or if I am just overreacting because it was always my nightmare that I will marry someone who doesn't understand that side about me.

Thanks for any advice 🖤

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Hi! I've been having a really hard time lately getting myself to go to bed! I keep staying up until I literally can't hold my eyes open anymore because I don't want to stop what I'm doing and get ready for bed. Most of the time I'm not even doing anything very fun/important, but the many tasks that come with getting ready for bed feel overwhelming.

I do try to break up the tasks, like I take my meds at X time, then brush my teeth 30 minutes later, then go upstairs 30 minutes after that, etc, but I just find ways to not do them, aka I'm in my head telling myself I need to do them but my body is extremely resistant to getting up.

It has very slowly been cutting into my sleep hours, and at this point I really need to figure something out. I feel like it's "just willpower," but either I have no willpower or that's not the solution here.

Btw, I fall asleep easily and stay asleep all night without nightmares. So sleeping isn't the problem, but getting ready for bed is the issue.