u/Riled_Ritchie

I’ve read a lot about other people’s experiences with meltdowns but i haven’t seen much discussion about shutdowns

Personally I rarely have meltdowns, it takes very certain triggers for that to happen and I’ve developed enough tools and routines to prevent it. But I’m beginning to realize that I more likely have shutdowns instead which from what have been described to me works as an internal meltdown.

It begins with my coordination worsening and my mind starts feeling very dull and foggy, then everyday tasks takes a lot more effort to get through and conversations becomes really stressful cause I can’t seem to process anything they’re saying. Naturally I become aware of this pretty quickly and try to isolate myself until it passes but most times it happens when I’m out in public or at work etc, so I try yo push myself through which only makes me feel worse.

Being a high masker and becoming overstimulated or triggered into a shutdown feels like the mask being forcefully ripped off my face and suddenly I’m no longer human. I picture myself as a wild animal trapped in a small cage, just a single poke with a stick away from going feral. Does that make any sense?? It’s hard for me to describe it any better than this I’m afraid, I’ve just never talked about it with anyone who might understand before

I'm just curious about other people's stimming, I'll start,

Personally I stim mostly through either touch or sound. I listen to music pretty much daily, especially on the bus or in public places where there is a lot of noise. Sometimes on instagram i go to my saved audios and play the most satisfying clips on loop and daydream to the audio. I also like to fidget with things in my hands, it could be a lot of things really like a piece of sticky tac, mechanical pencils or hoodie strings, when i was little i used to love holding hands to watch and fidget with the other persons fingers and palm like it was the most intesresting thing in the world, still kind of do that if it's with a loved one. I also chew a lot of gum which is pretty stimulating. I used to have one of those silicone chewing necklaces but I got rid of it cause I was worried it would make me look weird… 

So what are your stims?

Hey there,

I am 28 years old, diagnosed with Autism when I was 9 and later diagnosed with Adhd when I was 24 ish. I would consider myself Low support needs and high masking but again my opinion might be biased because as the title says i struggle with internalized ableism.

Growing up in the 2000s I didn't have the proper support system or knowledge to fully grasp what it meant to be autistic and only really began to learn about neurodiversity in my 20s. Back when I was just becoming an adult I was so codependent on my family to the point they were considering moving me to assisted housing. That sparked enough drive in me to put all my effort and energy into becoming as independent as I possibly could. I learned to take care of myself, got a job, found my own apartment and now I am currently enrolled in online studies to buff my grades up. The accommodations I have these days are my Adhd medication, therapy and financial counseling. Apart from that I'm a whole lot more independent than what most of my peers (including myself) ever thought I would achieve. 

I am currently fighting my way through a burnout which has made me realize that I am deeply ashamed of myself for being autistic. My autism has felt like a hurdle I've been endlessly trying to get over and I've genuinely believed for years that if I try to live as neurotypically as possible it’ll somehow “cure” me. I often refuse help because it makes me feel guilty for failing at something that should be so easy. I could go on but you probably get the point.

My life feels like it’s been flipped upside down and I know now that I need to start making changes because the denial has run its course. I need to accept the fact that I am disabled and that I need to work with it and not against it. But I have no idea where to begin, this feels incredibly daunting. I am considering bringing this up at therapy but I'd love to hear from other autistic people who've gone through or are going through the same struggle as me. 

What are your experiences with internalized ableism?

Got any advice or know of any resources on how to cope with it? Unlearn it? 

If you read all this I thank you for your time, I don't know any autistic people irl that I can talk to so this is currently my only outlet.