r/aspergers

And how do some people have it naturally?

I'm quiet and people mostly dislike me though I have seen many quiet people being liked. I think it has to do with them picking up social cues, having regular NT conversations and communicating nonverbaly. Just that they are not loud or super talkative. People still mostly understand them. While for quiet socially awkward individuals this isn't the case.

I have an NT social sibling and she always examines people's emotions, what they will like or not like. What is proper and what is improper. This is just too much although they have social intelligence and those are as easy for them as easy it is for us to gather info about special interests and stuff like that.

I'm just tired of having to work extra and pick up the lowest and higher frequency or social norms and cues just hoping to be treated kindly. But I think this world is unkind in general and it is not hard for them to show a cruel face, especially to specific types of people. Such as those of other race for example.

Hello,

First of all, allow me to apologise if the title seems like it's excluding some people. It's genuinely not my intent, but 19 out of 20 cases I read of autistic people managing to get into fruitful relationships are from women, and three quarters of the rest are from gay men, so it rarely ever feels actually relatable to me, and I don't know if it's because it's a different scenario or not.

With that out of the way, I came here to try to understand how this whole relationship thing works. I don't usually post here and I really don't like to feel like I'm lamenting my poor miserable self (woe is me and all that), but I've searched for the answer to this question for a long time and I don't feel any closer to it, so maybe someone else might know.

So, for the context, I'm (probably quite obviously hehe) a straight male, and I'm reaching 30 without ever having been in a relationship, or ever getting intimate with someone else, and the truth is that I neither really know why, or how to remediate that. At this point I've mostly resigned myself to accept it's just not going to happen, but my curiosity urges me to at least try to understand this.
First of all, how does one actually progress a friendship into a relationship? I seem to have no issue getting into friendships with women, and in fact in many circles I move in, women seem to naturally come to me and trust me (I've been told my presence apparently makes them feel safe). And yet none has ever indicated any sign of possibly being interested in anything beyond that. Is it possible for someone to somehow often appear as a valid friend to women but never as a valid partner? Are there specific personality traits that do that?

A second question that I have would be to know where single people actually exists? Obviously all taken people were once single people, and yet I just never actually meet anyone, male or female, that isn't currently in a relationship. The last time I met someone who wasn't openly either dating, engaged or married was more than half a decade ago. Where do these mythical creatures dwell then, I have to wonder? I have a hard time with very loud places with flashing lights, so places like nightclubs are about as comfortable to me as swimming in a lake of ammonia, but is it where all the single neurotypical people go to turn into non-single people? is that why I just cannot seem to meet those people?

Also, I'm wondering if there's an age where it can be "too late" to actually ever have a chance. As said earlier, I'm reaching 30 with no experience whatsoever. And something tells me that I'm already past the age where people experiment and learn about relationships, and now people my age would be looking for partners who already have some amount of experience and know what they're about and what they want. Am I wrong to believe that?

Thanks for any potential answers, and I'm sorry if this post might read like confused unreadable garbage. Putting my thoughts to text without rambling was harder than expected. I'm willing to clarify anything if anyone asks

When I'm texting someone, I often will put a period at the end of my statements because they're finished. But this can apparently come off as passive-aggressive or rude. Apparently the same situation goes for capitalization and spelling, and so instead of sending something like "Okay." I'll intentionally make myself send something like "ok" so that it comes off as informal. Does anybody else do this? (I would assume so)

Hello people, I have never posted here before but today I'm feeling adventurous with my words so thought I'd try expressing myself.

Let's start with being happy, I am a happy person, I love to be happy, surrounded by happy things and happy people.

My preferred state of being is happy because it feels nice. I don't want to be sad or angry or moody.

This leads people to thinking I'm pretending to be happy or that they take this as my default and then question everything when I have a moment that I'm not happy.

I don't expect everyone to be happy all the time but I also don't understand why anyone would choose to not be happy, I have asked this before and was told that they just want to feel their feelings and they shouldn't have to pretend to be happy to make me happy. I completely agree, they should be happy to make themselves happy.

If I can't fix a situation I feel like it is my fault, I am a fixer of things. If something is broken I want to fix it, this is true for almost all things. Toys, technology, systems and protocols, situations and also people. This leads me to always trying to make things work when I probably shouldn't.

I try my hardest to minimise the needs I have to not burden anyone else, I see my needs as things I should fulfill myself and to expect anyone else to change for me is foolish, I realise as saying this how painful it actually is and hurts me immensely. I wouldn't expect someone in a wheelchair to deal with the stairs because it's their disability.

I want to be able to drop my mask, to stop performing for everyone and just be myself, this upsets people and the mask comes back to help them, not make them more comfortable. I've been training myself my entire life to appease others, to apologise for myself and to conform to everyone else's rules.

I love rules, I love a set of instructions to follow, I wish I understood the rules and instructions of the world. I'd be the best player, I'd win every time, I would win legitimately and know exactly how to repeat it.

I don't understand the game though, I can't read the rules. I find myself shying away from even trying because it's too daunting to even find the start. Is it a race, a strategy, multiplayer, single player, a coop? What type of game is it? What are the parameters and the rules, I used to think it was laws, then I realised that laws aren't the rules they are just the suggestions of direction to keep everyone's game playing the same way.

What if my winning the game doesn't look like it does to everyone else? What if my contentment is my win condition? What if my unapologetic happiness is the final achievement.

Why then should I change anything about myself for anyone?

Shouldn't I instead be focusing on the way my happiness best flourishes?

Should I even try to accommodate those that don't contribute to my happiness?

I am not religious, I wish I was, I do believe in love being a binding force and that honesty and selflessness are genuinely brilliant but I'm also not so foolish to believe that these things wouldn't be taken advantage of by everyone, even if they didn't realise they were doing it.

How do I exist in this world? How do I keep going?

How do I let go of the things I love but also hurt me?

What do I need to do to meet the basics requirements?

There's just always a potential problem.

I'll concede that a lot of the problem is I'm spending the majority of my time in corporate. You can not say anything in corporate. Speaking your mind is just not permitted and often reported.

Chat about 4th of July plans? "We're not all American here, so please be aware of other areas." I mentioned a number of inefficiencies and ways we could improve areas of the company. "I noticed the areas you pointed out were all led by women. I didn't want to say anything during the meeting, but I just wanted to let you know I submitted a ticket to HR."

And pray for my soul if I let slip at a happy hour or outside of work that I think someone is cute. I stay 1,000 miles away from any flirtation with coworkers because it is a nightmare, but even accidentally mentioning someone is cute outside of work is a potential problem. I've had even "cool people" go, "Might want to reconsider saying that" if I've slipped up saying someone looks nice outside of work.

Even away from corporate, everything is a minefield. I have an entire crashout on a public chat because I went through a breakup in a friend group where she was cheating with people in the friend group (who had a public chat). That unfiltered version of me, where I was at my most angry and most vulnerable, is just out there in the wild.

Running a business, customer service feels like trying to feed a bear by hand. Sometimes, the bear eats the salmon out of your hand and walks away. Sometimes, you accidentally step on a branch and get mauled to death. I had to file a claim against a customer, and apparently they were telling my insurance provider I was a racist and only filing against them because of their skin color. I had to submit an overabundance of documentation for my own insurance to approve that I did in fact have a valid claim and was just reporting a fact.

Then there's the nightmare of trying to make friends. The number of people that will "expose you" online these days is obscene. It feels just like corporate. I misstep with the wrong person, and I'm no longer able to find a job because employers saw someone claim something about me online.

I don't like mentioning it, because I feel like so many of us use it as a crutch, but I do have Aspergers. Very high functioning Aspergers, which is why I don't like to mention it or use it as some sort of excuse or crutch. But it took a TON of work for me to figure out how to interact with people at a base level. I was functionally mute for a number of years because I just couldn't figure out how to navigate people. Now I figured it out after over a decade of learning, and am much more "passable" as neurotypical, and it feels like I have guns pointed at my head everywhere I go.

Tl;dr: People are just too much. There are too many risks with every person you interact with. You could anger them to violence, they could slander you online, you could be fired from your job, you could be accused of all kinds of things. I really try to interact with people, but at a certain point, it literally feels foolish to do so. You're literally risking yourself with every interaction you have.

If you have never heard of it, it's basically a term for subclinical autism, milder than level 1 or what used to be Aspergers. Since autism is thought to be largely genetic/hereditary and is the result of the expression of a bunch of different genes, sometimes people might inherit just one or two traits, or have traits that only affect them very subtly.

One of my kids (26f) was told by her therapist that she fits into this category and it was not a surprise at all, as it's pretty much what we've always known about her - she's a lot like me, but has never been hindered by any of the traits she inherited from me. They're much milder for her. She did well in school both academically and socially, only has a couple easily remedied sensory issues, was never prone to meltdowns or exhausted by social interaction like I am, etc. She has intense interests and is a very bright, out-of-the-box thinker.

I have asked her over the years if she thought she should be screened for autism and she's always insisted that she's not negatively affected and doesn't feel like she needs or wants a diagnosis.

I mentioned this in another forum in reply to someone else saying their therapist had told them the same thing, and the response was shockingly negative. People were accusing me of being a horrible parent for not forcing the issue and insisting that my daughter will certainly come to ruination because I didn't accost this awful, inept quack of a therapist and demand that she be diagnosed with autism. My daughter is a fully grown, self-sufficient, independent adult who I am confident is aware of her own needs and mental state and would come to me if she was struggling in any way. She has always known I am a safe person to confide in about literally anything.

To me the existence of such a thing makes perfect sense. There is a huge spectrum of severity to which people can be affected by autism, so why would there not also be a gray area where someone can exhibit some of the traits, but not to the extent that they have much impact on their life? It seems like this is just common sense.

I am baffled that so many people clearly have such a problem with this. If my kid wanted to go get screened for autism I would totally be behind her all the way, but she doesn't think she has it, and it's her life. Is there some kind of scandal around "BAP" that I am unaware of? What is this sub's general opinion of the idea?

ETA: BAP is not a diagnosis btw. It's just a descriptive term for having subclinical autistic tendencies.

Hi 18M here

I Travel a few times a year with the plane. I allways hated traveling but since I unmasked a month ago it has become unbearable. While in the airport and plane it feels like someone is restricting me like I can’t be my true self. On top of that I have to suppress my stims (hand flapping) which is really hard and feels uncomfortable. But also the sounds and bright light are just to much at some point I even worried that I could get a panic attack due to overstimulation. I already used ANC headphones, sunglasses, stim toy but it was still so mentally and physically draining.

I have a slipped disk in my lower back, now I have pain everyday. I went to doctor and I do the things he says like physio therapy, using heating blanked ..
I know what my body needs but mentally it‘s more difficult because the pain makes me more stressed and anxious.
It‘s like I‘m more nervous and impulsive, I feel sad because now I can‘t do sports really.
I can do gym workouts with a coach.
Skateboarding is off, riding bike is possible.
It‘s so sad I can‘t skate like I used to, I‘ve been doing this for years.
What can help me relax more in this Situation?

I've had a hard time with group conversations all my life. I always prefer 1-on-1 interaction or 1-on-2 interactions, but once it get to 4 people it's like I just automatically start disengaging from the conversation and go quiet. I do listen to what everyone's talking about though, but often times I just start daydreaming or thinking about random things. It kind of feels like I'm not doing any of this on purpose, but I also feel like I should actually put in effort in this area.

My friend who works in special ed says that he notices that I generally take longer to respond to questions because I'm actually taking the time to think about my answer honestly. And group conversations are way too fast paced.

So I am in a situation where it would be highly beneficial for me to learn Mandarin, the issue is I've never been good with learning languages. Even English I did not learn the same as others. As a 13 year old I had terrible grammar and spelling, even though I would read A LOT.

It wasn't until I started doing written RP on sites such as roleplaygateway that I started to get better. At first it was me doing these with other people with similarly bad English, but then I found 'games' in which the people wanted everyone to have a better grasp on the language, and so I ended up having an interest which allowed me to more memorise/copy the grammar people used. Even with this, spellcheck if often useful to me when my brain just doesn't want to work with a specific word.

So anyway. I'm part Italian and I started trying to learn, at first I tried using apps like Duolingo, and it just didn't seem to work for me. I did a unit in uni on beginner Italian and I failed that. The way they teach the languages just doesn't work for me.

But now I have a partner who is Chinese and not only does she want me to learn her language, but her parents only speak Chinese and it does make it hard to be around them when I can't communicate at all.

So for those of you out there who learnt a second language as an adult without it being a special interest, any tips or tricks? Or just different programs/ ways of learning you found were more tism friendly?

The doctor told me that they would have said I have Asperger’s if they were still using that term. I’m 48 year old. I feel validated and like so much of my personality and behaviour makes sense. But boy oh boy I sure wish I’d learned this 30 years ago.

Edit: Thanks everyone. I feel good kin knowing there’s a place to go where strangers have similar experiences and share this stuff. You are all wonderful.

As someone who’s lived in small towns and cities as well as massive megacities, one thing I’ve noticed is that country people are more direct and forthcoming with their thoughts and opinions.

In the big city, people don’t seem to step up and tell you if you’re doing or saying something that offends them or makes them feel uncomfortable. Whereas back home in the country, I’ll know right away. City people tend to focus more on subtle social cues and filter their thoughts and language as not to “offend”, or even distance themselves without telling me what’s wrong.

As someone with Asperger’s, I find it much easier to make and maintain friendships in a small regional city as I’m constantly being told when I’ve stepped out of line or said something uncouth.

I went through the whole DSM. It was BPD, then it was bipolar, then schizoaffective, then schizophrenic.

I was complaining to the psychiatrist nurse about my struggles with socializing several times and she brushed it off saying I looked normal to her. I have this friend who is autistic and he told me "hey, I tell you this with a lot of love but you should get tested for autism and giftdness, I don't think you're bipolar".

I thought about it a lot, and then I decided "why not". Turns out my friend was 100% right. I scored 140 on the WAIS and I am, indeed, autistic. It explains why I am so sensitive. My friend who's been diagnosed for a while told me he recognized himself in me and his brother who is highly gifted and I am forever thankful for his advice. No wonder I kept telling the psychiatrist I didn't match the symptoms of BPD which she seemed to agree with.

I was wondering how common it is for autistic folks to be diagnosed with a myriad of other mental illnesses?

I've been wondering about this for a long time. I frequently feel socially awkward but do NDs see me that way? Am I socially awkward? Childish? Just fine? Almost normal? Or something else? I would love to know but I'm not neurotypicals so I will never and it drives me crazy. If only I could get to know what goes on in their brains when they interact with me.

Of course I could ask people how they perceive me but apart from like 2-3 people in my life, how do I know they answer truthfully and don't just say nice things to try and make me feel better?

It looks surrealistic but my friend was arguing with his mom over something I don't remember (he's a bit irritable) and then I repeated some words of him because I often process words I hear by repeating them as a stim to relax myself which is known as echolalia, after that he threw me his jacket at my face yelling "are you mocking me?!" and we argued for several minutes.

This is the kind of times where I just sigh and realize that autism isn't a superpower and wish I had a normal brain.

This is gonna be long but I really need help with this and would appreciate it if others Aspies share their experiences with me.

For starters, I have been diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, MDD, and only recently I got diagnosed with ASD1 (Mid twenties).

I am someone who is really extroverted (At least my ADHD side) of course that lasts till the lovely burnout kicks in, studying in one of the top 10 Universities isn the world, working from home, so I would like to think that I am not stupid I am sharing this since at least there’s no way to measure and share how “good” or “bad” I am socially.

As the title suggests, I feel like every time I am friends with someone/ a group of friends, it ends up the same way, always!

If I am friends with someone, I introduce them to my friends, a couple of months down the line a small mistake coming from me or even from someone else towards me, the friendship is gone, they all stay friends tho.

If it was a group of friends even better, I don’t have to introduce them to anyone, they just switch up on me one day and it always comes from the person who I am closest to in the group.

Now to give examples of situations that I had, the first was some dude who I barely knew was talking sh about me for months in front of my friends, I didn’t wanna dig into the fact why was he comfortable doing so at least until I confront him (since my friends were not the ones who told me that he was talking behind my back) and after confronting him they all came at me for not being nice and “overreacting” by confronting him in front of everyone and embarrassing him that way.

Second situation which I am currently going through rn is that one of my friends had some really tough period and she was using me as a source of energy/healing the whole time. she complained to me everyday, had someone to talk to, to be there physically for her when she had panic attacks and guess what, she heals, she starts going out again with the group, and now she is complaining about the smallest things I do. for example: asking for a hit of the vape that btw I got her when she was going through shit to everyone! (I literally asked once or twice)

These might sound like teenage problems which is exactly what I think, that these kinda things shouldn’t have happened or snowballed in the first place, but the moment you try to stop it you are the villain that ruined everyones good time and the opportunity for a drama to develop.
You shouldn’t demand respect, neither u r gonna redeem it, you should just live with it and agree with their way of dealing with things (rolling that snowball down).

I don’t know if at this point I am venting overthinking or I need help figuring this out, I feel like NTs feed on gossip, drama etc…
It would be really nice to hear what ya’ll think, and if you have been there share your experiences, and no I don’t mind being criticized so throw it at me in the comments.

My friend (28f) and I (38m) dated briefly, had a situationship for a little over a year, and have moved slowly into a platonic zone. We're both on the spectrum (me: unofficially, her: AuDHD, Borderline, tons of family trauma) and have been there for each other, although with lots of tension and bickering. I believe she's too needy, and is using me as a crutch to avoid further social outreach. She's a genuinely good person, but very damaged.

She was relaying to me new revelations of domestic violence that she hadn't known her Dad perpetrated against her Mom, with the silent (or voiced) approval/blessing of his siblings. I started on the phone to be there for her, though I had other things to do. As so often happens, she segued into talking about how poorly she believes I've treated her, and how she "knows" that she isn't the only one I've treated in the manner she described. She revealed that some time ago (not during any romantic period), she tracked down my ex-fiance and contacted her to ask questions about me and my relationship with her back then. I feel like this is an overreach, a betrayal, and a hard line to cross. She says she shouldn't have done it, but "needed to know" if she was the only one having problems with me. She's done this with another ex, tracking down all his former love interests and comparing notes.

I was ready to let her leave my life for a while (I've mostly been sticking around because I'm afraid of being one more person to hurt her), but this feels different. My best friend says I would be foolish to not cut her off, and my therapist thinks that I'm not wrong for wanting to cut her off. Am I overreacting?

So, I did a post earlier about how a girl of my cooking classes might be interested in me (she asked for my number and IG, told me to invite her to the movies, asked me if I wanted to see her today, said that i could potentially go to her house etc) and most people said that she was probably flirting with me, ngl, I considered it.

But today, we met because of her birthday and she came to my house, we had a great time and she told me that she loved spending time with me.

However there's something she said I can't stop thinking about.

When we were going to a cafeteria, she told me:

"You would be such a good boyfriend!!! I could even introduce you to my female friends"

I took this as a direct rejection, but a bit later she complained about how her friends and parents were shipping us, and one of the things she said was "can't a woman and a man be friends?".

I'm not an insistent guy, I'm mature and I can handle rejection, but these sudden comments confused me a lot because she was the one who gave the idea of "dating" two times, and now she's implying that she sees me as a friend.

My father told me that she was probably teasing me so I could start being more upfront with her, but I'm not really sure...

I'm thinking of inviting her to the movies this weekend, but me instead of her this time, what should I expect?

I’ve noticed people will tell me that certain things I do or say kind of causes stress. Like it’s not the normal way of being? Has anyone, maybe a close friend told u that your behavior causes them stress at all? Like social issues? Thanks!