u/Novemberx123

I’ve known my ex for 5 years. He was my first boyfriend/husband. The relationship was unhealthy—he drank daily, yelled/snapped at me, and often dismissed it as “just how I talk.” But then he’d be so sweet, we would have great conversations, and he would always want to be close to me and be loved by me. We divorced, but stayed extremely close, talking daily and still having sex.

In January, I found out he had secretly been seeing someone else for 6 months and had lied to me repeatedly. I’ve tried no contact several times, but I always panic and reach back out. I’m currently on day 6.

Two weeks ago, I saw someone I had previously dated, and I immediately felt intense guilt and panic, like I was betraying my ex. I realized I had always gone back to my ex afterward to make sure he was okay—which also made me feel okay.

This time I stayed in my space and sat with the guilt. After about 5 days, I started realizing I hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

I called my ex on his birthday, even though my body told me not to. I could tell he was upset, but I didn’t stay to comfort him or fix it. Two days later, I had a horrible panic attack.

Now I keep waking up afraid he’s angry with me. I’ve realized my biggest fear is: \*\*“I don’t feel safe if he’s upset with me.”\*\*

He emailed me today saying he was having a panic attack and asking me to tell him I’m okay.

Does this sound like a trauma bond? Could the intense panic and guilt be part of breaking that attachment? I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who has experienced something similar.

It’s been 5 years I’ve known him. He was my first boyfriend. First husband. I knew from beginning it wasn’t the healthiest but I thought this person always to spend every second with me and I love that someone wants that. He’s very “this is how it is” blunt person. Reminded me of my emotionally neglectful mom, except he actually wanted to love and spend time with me. He drank everyday. Yelled at me here and there. Snapped at me all the time. He has a certain tone of voice and whenever I mention how he snapped at me “this is just how I talk”. His mom treats him similar. I divorced him but we still were practically together. Everyday talking. Etc. Anyway, he betrayed me in January. 6 months he was with someone else behind my back. Lied to me constantly about it until I found out. We weren’t together but still, we were having sex , talking daily and he lied to my face constantly about his other life.

I’ve tried no contact so many times. At first I threw myself into him. Got closer. Didn’t help. He got angrier. I felt more panic. Finally put the block button after I couldn’t handle the panic anymore. But I’d always reach back out and then days later telling him I need space again. I’m now day 6 not talking to him.

Anyways, I had hung out with this person that I had dated when I knew him 2 weeks ago, and instantly felt so much guilt. Like I was betraying my ex. Panic. Everything. I realized every time I would see that guy, I had my ex to relieve my guilt. To calm him down. Make sure we’re okay. But there were days each time I saw that guy, where it just was very tense with me and my ex. I learned that he needs to be okay for me to be okay pretty much.

Well this time since I was taking space from my ex I was left to get through it. 5 days passed and I was starting to realize I didn’t do anything wrong. Even tho seeing that guy would always hurt my ex, I technically am not in the wrong.

Next day was his bday on the 5th day from seeing that guy, and I know my body was telling me not to call but I did anyways. I figured I was scared to call cause I knew I’d tell him I saw that guy. I could tell it bothered him, but this time I wasn’t there to help make him feel better. To help make me feel better. I said goodbye, I told him I felt some guilt about it all, wished him happy bday and went back to my space. I had a horrible panic attack 2 days after. I just been struggling badly now. I didn’t know how attached I was to him. How much I relied on him. My main thing is now I’m scared he’s mad at me. I’m used to him being upset after i see this guy, so I wake up in morning and feel scared..and anxious, and it always comes down to “I do not feel safe if he’s upset”. Because before, we had eachother to reassure and make sure we’re all good. He actually emailed me today and said “please tell me you’re okay, I’m having a panic attack”. So he’s definitely feeling whatever attachment we have as well, and I know it’s cause usually I see him after I see the other guy. Just wanted some reassurance or advice. Thank you.

They betrayed me back in January for 6 months. It devastated me and started all these panic attacks this year. I’m finally committing to taking space but occasionally I’d reach out and check in and it only stirred up a little bit after. This time I didn’t know I had gone 16 days not hearing his voice and called him to wish him a happy birthday. There was a lot of emotional behind it cause I had seen a friend that he didn’t like or approve of a week prior so I had his voice and guilt in me before the call. Anyways, it was weird hearing his voice. I told him I saw my friend cause I just wanted him to know. All in all, he “jokingly” said some guilt trip things to me like at one point I said I feel guilty and he said “as u should..as u should..” and other times told me “it wouldn’t be right to keep talking to him if your taking space from me” but I got off the call. Too my space again..Processed how it went. What he said, etc. I then had a small panic attack 3 hours after the call..I just relegated the betrayal and the pain and it scared me again cause I was doing better. Next day I feel like the silence felt eerie. Like my nervous system got attached to him again from that one call, and I felt like something wrong was going to happen in the silence. Next day around 9pm at night I checked my heart rate on my Fitbit saw it was a little higher than I was expecting to see, it scared me that “oh my god something js wrong with me” and I freaked out. Immediately felt hot, heart racing. I live in my car at the moment so I just panicked that I have no one to comfort me this late as I would during the day. Usually I’d find someone in the parking lot and ask them to just stay with me while my heart goes back down. Called my sister for help cause that usually helps, but I was just convinced I was dying. Like truly convinced. Finally after 30 minutes my heart rate went down around 100bpm and stayed there for hours until around midnight I freaked myself out again and had another panic attack. The first one my heart hit 170bpm, which is the highest I’ve ever hit since the day my ex went crazy and started throwing things out my van and I just felt so unsafe and thought I was dying as well. Just very negative thoughts. I relaxed more yesterday but still felt off and can tell I’m thinking more random negative things instead of my
Usual positive mindset. This morning I woke up almost instantly in a panic, I think I was subconsciously scared of last night having another panic attack when I can’t go to anyone for help cause everyone would be asleep. This one passed quicker and I was able to sit with it which is how I normally do. I let the wave rise and fall. I’m feeling better today, did some journaling, to understand what’s going on with my trauma bond to my ex. I believe talking to him after 16 days of not brought everything back online. The guilt. The anxiety. The betrayal. All of it. Just looking for some reassurance. Sorry for so long post. Thank you

I live in a small Chevy bolt. I have my bed across where the passenger seat was all the way to the back. So there’s like no room. I just have my clothes scattered. Clean on the back seat. Dirty on the floor. I just recently got a mini fridge and put it behind the driver seat. It barely fits. I need to make sure it works fine cause instructions say to keep 6 inches between anything near it to displace the heat but again..no room. Any smaller fridge is still the same width and that’s the main issue. So it’s squeezed behind me. Got the battery station under the bed where the passenger rear seat leg room goes. It’s just so cramped. I hope I can make the fridge situation work cause I’m in dire need to save money and start cooking my own food. Where do yall keep your clean and dirty clothes?

I have a 2002 Honda odyssey. 270k miles. It’s been sitting for weeks now. I noticed the battery wouldn’t charge while driving. It would die when I parked. I replaced the 12v battery and it does same thing. Even after jump starting it, it will start to lightly smoke from the side where alternator is. Should I go ahead and order another alternator? I finally saved enough money to order one and have someone put it in. What do yall think?

I had a spot during the day but recently had to move cause it got compromised. So I’m on the look again. I like to make something my main spot. I also DoorDash for work so it would be where I’m at most of the day until I go to sleep then I move. Where do yall like to park your car and hang out to relax during the day?

I’ll walk into Walmart and just notice everyone else and 99% of them have a nice home to go back to. Safety. It just makes me feel so defeated. I’ve been doing this for a year now and I’ve always felt this way. I use to feel connected with everyone. That I’m paying rent just like everyone else. They I have my own safety. My own room just like everyone. Like I’m the odd one out now. Now I just get anxious. Feel like I’m left out. Every single person I know in my life…has a room to go back to at night. Idk. I’m just feeling down today.

Are there other tools I can use to help heal this betrayal trauma while doing no contact now? My ex betrayed me in January..I found out that for 6 months he was dating someone else behind my back and lying to me. It shattered me. I’ve been off and on again no contact, panic attacks, etc but this time I know space is for the long haul. I gave into the idea that “maybe just texting them but not seeing them could work”. I tried for one week, ended up losing sleep 3 days out the week..0 sleep..it just totally messed me and my mind up. He said some guilt trippy things to me when I mentioned my boundary of space again..and I couldn’t sleep last night again until I closed my eyes and just imagined a healthier version of what happened. Once I gave myself what I needed at the time, I felt calm enough and drifted to sleep. It was truly what I needed cause I felt like there was an open loop that kept causing me anxiety and by doing this…and giving myself the space, I feel like it’s closing again. Does anyone have any tips or other practices I can try out as well? I can’t afford a schema therapist at the moment but definitely once I can I’d love to find one. Thank you so much.

Besides the battery, has anyone had any expensive fixes/repairs on their bolt? So far I’ve heard of modules being pretty up there with around $3k or so to fix, depending on the module and I guess the AC depending on what all is wrong..I’d imagine can go from around $2k-$4k.

I’ve seen a guy who lives in his broken down car for months now. I approached him a couple months ago asked if he needed help. He had more car issues than I could help with. He seemed nice enough. I saw days ago his car got taken away. Idk why or by who but it’s gone now. I still see him out and about and I’m guessing he’s truly homeless now. My question is, I live in my electric car but I have a minivan that is parked at the local Cracker Barrel. It’s been there for months. It had a bed in it and everything. Should I let him sleep in it? I tried approaching him two weeks ago and was going to ask him he wanted to but I’m not the best at approaching people and he seemed like in a grumpy, stand offish mood so I didn’t even bother to ask him. I hate to see him without even a car to sleep in now. It just sucks. Should I ask or leave him alone still?

I hate the heat. Hate it. I’m so excited for the cold to come through. It’s so cozy to be wrapped up in a heated blanket and beanie. I love it so much. I rather be cold than hot. Any day. Anyone else?

Makes no sense. For the 16e for $99. I’m porting from another carrier. I’m choosing the $50 plan. Then it tells me the phone is $299. Which is another more expensive promotion they have, it won’t let me get the $99 deal when I know I qualify. It just goes to the most expensive deal. Any ideas why this is? It does it for any phone. It automatically goes to the most expensive promotion

I’m healing from a betrayal from my ex. I found out he lied and betrayed me for 6 months back in January. Yes we weren’t together but he promised me he wasn’t into the guy it was, and we were still intimate and talking daily..he full on would get mad when I asked for reassurance that he wasn’t talking to that guy.. I’ve never felt such panic. He kept telling me “we weren’t together so I didn’t cheat.” And get even more mad after the fact. Like he was mad that I even knew. Idk. Instead of just reassuring me and helping me heal..I lost trust in myself. I panicked even more..I threw myself even closer to him. I was scared being near him and scared when I was away cause of the panic attacks. After he had a mental crisis from some medications he was taking, and I saw me begging him to apologies for abusing me and he cussed me out..I had panic attack and blocked him. First of many back and forths. He went to jail for few months..he thought mafia was after him and was a public nuisance..he has truly lost his mind, I felt bad and talked to him here and there..then I remembered the betrayal, and blocked again. I went 18 days no contact, he got out, I felt bad again..hoped he was better..which he was at least from before, but those other things were still there. The way he talked to me. Tone of voice. Guilt tripping. Defensiveness. All of it. So I went 6 days no contact this time. Starting to feel better. Less panic. More sleep. Figured I’d see him yesterday, as a hang out.. it went well besides some guilt tripping, raised his voice at me once and he’s just a very reactive person.. but my nervous system was still very much activated..I didn’t sleep at all last night. I think seeing him just reminded of the unhealed trauma wound. I kept waking up in a panic like I did something wrong. Scared of panicking today. I know I need complete space and time to truly heal and regulate and find long term safety in myself and I’m ready. I just don’t want yesterday to set me back which I’m worried it has. Just looking for reassurance that I can continue and get through this. Thank you all so much.

My ex betrayed me in January for 6 months. After promising me there was no one else. It broke me. Since that moment my stomach dropped when the other person called me telling me they’ve been dating all this time behind my back. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was played a fool. Ever since then I’ve had the worst panic attacks. Random fears. Scared of driving now. Talking to a stranger puts me on edge. Its not constant but at least once a day I think these random fears and get scared. I’m currently taking complete space from myself.. alone. I don’t think I can heal around them truly. There’s an unhealthy cycle there still where any pain of mine goes ignored or they try and be intimate with me to “make everything better”. Let alone the snapping. Telling me I’m wrong if I’m telling them what hurt me. I have this low level pit in my stomach for a good part of the day. Just want to know if anyone else can relate?