r/SupportforBetrayed

Okay before yall rake me over the coals, im not asking to fix his mental health. We have a kid together and i want him to be the best dad he can be. Ive asked a few times for my WH to seek therapy due to behaviors from him and affecting him. He is frequently having depressive episodes, since cutting off AP 17mo ago. As far as im aware they havent had any contact since then, but he goes thru these phases where he is “seemingly okay” not really in the deeps of it, and then theres weeks if not months of being deep in it. I want to help support him, again not bc its my responsibility as his wife, but to help my child have a chance of 2 parents being more mentally stable(wh & i both have history of our parents being unwell mentally and refusing to seek help, we both agreed before having kids that we would seek therapy if we started struggling like they did). Idk what he needs or how to help anymore.

For context, I found out about my husband's infidelity when the AP messaged me on 2 of my social media accounts. When she messaged me, she and my husband had already ended the affair. Still, I wanted to hear from others who have been contacted by the AP and how that made you guys feel and if you responded to them.

I trusted you COMPLETELY! Never checked your phone, never asked you to share your location with me. I never fucking saw this coming and I feel so fucking stupid! Yeah, I had doubts because you were so distant sometimes and when I asked you about it and told you that if you weren’t invested in our relationship that you could go! You said it was your anxiety/depression/OCD or whatever other bullshit and told me you’d try! I wanted it to work so I believed you! I convinced myself that you were just struggling and showed love differently and maybe I was too needy. You never fucking did try though and then you cheat and tell me that you haven’t wanted to be with me for years! I gave you many opportunities to be honest! To leave! You stayed for SEVEN GODDAMN YEARS! You tell me you don’t regret it and all you care about is yourself and her! You fucking sociopath! How could I have been so wrong about you.

My husband and I have been together for about a year, and I recently found out he’s been cheating on me with multiple women. I feel completely broken and honestly lost.

The difficult part is that aside from the cheating, our life is financially stable. We live comfortably, and we’re planning to invest in property together soon. I come from a poor background and even though I’m educated and work hard, I’m almost 30 and feel like I have nothing financially solid to show for my 20s. My husband comes from a stable family and is doing very well financially.

I’ve always wanted kids, but now I’m questioning everything because I don’t trust him anymore.

Part of me thinks:
- stay for 5 years, build financial security, maybe have a child, then leave later if things don’t improve
- or leave now, start over, and try to build a healthier life with someone else

I know this probably sounds transactional or messed up, but I’m trying to think logically for once instead of making emotional decisions I regret later. I also don’t really have close family or trusted friends to talk to about this.

For people who have been in similar situations: what decision did you make, and do you regret it?

UPDATE:

After reading everyone’s comments, I’ve decided I’m not going to stay with him long-term or have a child with him just because of financial stability. I think deep down I already knew that would only make my life more complicated emotionally.

One important detail: he doesn’t know that I found out about the cheating yet because I haven’t confronted him. Right now I’m trying to think carefully and plan my next steps safely before I say anything. I also have all the evidence I need.

We’ve actually been together for 4 years and married for 1. Looking back now, I realize he was cheating throughout different parts of our relationship, especially when we were long distance. I genuinely had no idea at the time.

Another reason I sounded so focused on money is because I honestly have nothing financially. No savings, no family support, and no assets of my own. He’s the financially stable one. Even the properties he wants to buy in both our names would mostly be from his money, not mine. That’s what made me think maybe I should stay long enough to at least leave with some stability after everything he’s put me through.

The child part also came from fear and timing. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I truly think I’d be a good one. I’m almost 30 and started panicking that I’m running out of time and might lose both the relationship and the future I imagined.

I know some people thought I sounded manipulative or transactional, but honestly I’m just hurt, scared, and trying not to make another emotional decision. Part of me also struggles with the idea of leaving with nothing while he continues life comfortably after betraying me for years.

Still, I know bringing a child into this situation or staying only out of fear probably isn’t the right answer.

Just to preface, this story will be very long. I appreciate any of you that read through all of this. Looking for space to share everything I’ve been through. Please be kind in the comments.
I (29F) and my bf (43) have been involved for a year and a half now. Our relationship started when we were with other people (I know, great start). We met at the gym. He confessed feelings for me and I had confessed feelings for him. Later on that month, I broke up with my now ex. He left his wife shortly after, moved out, they are now divorced. He didn’t leave her for me. He left her because it was un happy but unfortunately he cheated on her with me. Not something I am proud of. I have full regret. No physical cheating was done before he moved out but it was still very much wrong. It was an emotional affair. It was a disgusting thing to do. I don’t wanna get too deep into that, but I just want to say that that was a mistake. I made a mistake and have done the work to understand how i got to where i did and what lead me to involve myself with him. That mistake is not a reflection of who I am.
Moving on, a few months into us being involved, he told me that he was dealing with gried of his previous marriage and wife. he needed to heal. I completely understood, even though it hurt. I would say this lasted around 2 to 3 months where we were on this break. We were still communicating and we were still having sex. We were not together, but we were not fully out of the picture. He didn’t owe me loyalty. I didn’t owe him it. Things got very unhealthy. There was a lot of back-and-forth. He would say he can’t do this and needed to heal so that he could come back and be a better partner, and I would say I need space because I felt that he made me into a casual partner and that’s not what I wanted. I tolerated that behavior as I was lonely at the time. Was grieving my ex and also the recent passing of my grandma. I told him I needed space as I was unhappy he respected it. few days later, he reaches out to me saying that he’s starting to feel better. He had been in therapy at the time, still is. He got on anxiety medication and antidepressants and felt his capacity was going up. I give him a chance. I got excited, it was everything I wanted to hear. To be loved and wanted.
Fast forward 4 months, we are official things have gone very well. We talk about birth control. I go to get IUD, I had complications and ended up at the ER to get it removed. They checked for STDs. I came out positive for chlamydia. I had gotten tested a few months before that during summertime. It came out negative. So I knew that he had to have slept with someone because he only person I slept with. I confronted him. He tells me he slept with someone during summertime. He told me it happened once he felt guilty and that was that. I had a hard time with the story. Had a hard time believing in it because I had seen that she liked his photos even after that my period that he said they were sleeping together. But would say when he ended it with her she was nice about it and that he if ever wanted to try in the future again she would be interested. Anyways, I tried to move past it. My mental health started to go down over the months. I was ruminating a lot, something felt off. I expressed this to him and he suggested couples therapy.
We go to couples therapy and it was an intense first session. He was definitely on the hot seat and felt some kind of way the next day. He admitted that he slept with her more than once he slept with her a few times over a time span of a few weeks. I was pissed, I felt betrayed because I stayed thinking that it happened when we didn’t owe each other loyalty. Even though he gave me an STI and I was disgusted by that I tried to move on. I break up with him after he tells me. Things became very unhealthy and tumultuous. We are yelling at one another, I was sobbing, I just couldn’t understand how he cheated on me (a cheater cheating again, how naive). I wanted know every single detail of what happened. I still couldn’t get the timeframe out of my mind, and I kept questioning and pushing he eventually admitted that he had sex with her shortly after we decided to make things official. According to him, he slept with her three times. The first time was right before I told him I needed to step away, the second time was right after we made it official and the third time was a week after that. He said he felt really guilty. I just don’t understand if he was already sleeping with her before we were official why the fuck did you reach out to me to make it official?
I found out about him sleeping with her more than once in April. And we have had conversations over and over we playing the same story. And he kept talking about how it happened during summer. And because I’ve pressed the story so hard he finally made it to cheat cheating. He said he was just looking for a distraction. The sex was left to do with her and more about what he gained from it. He said it was scandalous, and I gave him a high at the time. He said in the past, he really enjoyed that but this time around it felt really bad and it hurt him. He said he would never cheat on anyone ever again. He said he has cheated in the past with people he was going to leave, but never cheat cheated on someone he wanted to stay with. And that’s why he says he would never do it again. He never wants to experience this kind of pain again and causing that level of pain.
We go for a couple counseling on Thursday. Part of me feels like this relationship is done. I look at him and have absolutely no respect for him. I don’t want to be touched. I’m angry. I’m hurt, but then the other part has a hard time letting go. He apologized profusely. He said he couldn’t tell me the full truth because he was scared of me wanting to leave him. He said it wasn’t the right thing to do. He regrets it fully and he knows that lying made it worse. Part of me wonder if trust could be rebuilt, the other part of me feels like it would be very hard too we’ve passed this.
Thank you for reading through all of this if you made it to the end. Looking for advice please be kind.

My ex husband cheated on me with my friend. We got married in November of 2022 while he was in the middle of his affair to only find out 3 months after our wedding about his affair. I ask myself all the time why god let me go through this marriage after being together for 8 years and two kids later he decides to start up an affair months before our wedding. I was devastated and stayed for two years fighting for what we had while he chased another woman. I learned a lot of lessons.

Being divorced and trying to date has been so disappointing. I’m only 32 F and I fear I may never trust again or find love again.

The mistress moved on to another man and she has let my ex go..that I know of. He’s been back and forth with me for a year now about how he wants his family back and how mad he is at himself for what he did.

I keep questioning god and his intentions. How could someone do me so dirty and yet I can’t set the right boundaries to make him go away.
I pray all the time for a new love to come into my life, to show me hope, to let me know that all the pain and hurt I went through was worth it.

Why has this cycle been so hard on me. I’m trying to stay positive but this is hard especially when kids are involved. I’ve let myself hang around him with the kids involved. We sit together at sport games, we’ve gone out to dinner with the kids. I hate that I allow it but I sit alone so much that I crave someone. I fear that somethings wrong with me because I can’t let it go. I go between missing him to hating him. I don’t think I could ever fully recover from what he did but yet I still let him hang around at times. We live in separate homes so we don’t hang out all the time but I do slip up.

Just looking for a little bit of positive advice, and that I’m not alone in this back-and-forth mindset.

I am trying to understand why someone might stay, even though there has been big betrayal.

Hello, I'm sorry but this have to be a pretty long post to explain my situation.

I am a man at 51 years old. I Found out 1,5 years ago that my wife have had an affair. I am trying to get our marriage to work now but it is very hard.

Back story, we had been together for 10 years and marriage for only 8 months when she started the physical affair, I am sure the emotional affair had been going on for longer. She had the physical affair for about 1,5 years. But then she didn't tell me about it and kept it a secret for 17 years until I found out 1,5 years ago.

I feel as if she has stolen 19 years of my life, we have a son who is 17 years old now. I have been going to a therapist for my anxiety and problems efter finding out. I couldn't sleep or eat, lost 15kg, that is better now. We went and talked to a marriage counselor, but it didn't work because she was focusing on marriage communication and almost nothing on the affair.

We are now talking to emotional therapist that is specialised in infidelity and recovery.

I'm still having bad nightmares, triggers and memory flashbacks. My wife is trying to help me, but I think she has her own childhood trauma that makes it hard for her.

We are at so different places I have more or less just found out, and she has had 17 years of time to try not to think about it.

I am a mess, but my morale makes me go on and keep everything going. My son doesn't know and none of our family or friends knows about this. I have none to talk to.

Please help me make sense of this and how am I to handle the horrible scenes and memories that plays in my mind?

Thanks

Last week, I (33m) discovered that my wife (33f) has been cheating on me. Both emotional cheating that finally turned physical the week prior. She showed what I think would be the general tell-tale signs of cheating during the past few weeks. Suddenly getting into self-improvement now that our kids are slightly older (age 4 and 2), various things that she has not even done for me and some are very drastic. Always wearing makeup when she didn't wear much before (even before pregnancy). She also started not allowing her phone to be left anywhere, even when brushing her teeth, her phone has to be in her pj pants pocket. There was also an instance where she went out at 4am to walk our dog 20 minutes away because she "felt sick and needed to throw up". I was so oblivious to the potential for cheating that I was actually worried about her mental health during this, but this all seemed very off until I checked her discord messages.

She has been apparently chatting with this person on and off for the past 10 years with mainly emotional cheating and playing games with him either by staying up late or playing during the workday (we both work but she's mainly wfh). In the past 2 months, they started playing more and she often neglected work to play with this person.

This person not only knows that she's married, but he knows my name, my background, our kids names, and she even sends him pictures of art projects that our kids brings home. Even one about how great of a mom she is. They even talk about me nonchalantly.

Finally my wife decided to meet him in person, which she of course lied about needing to go into the office (she took the day off as pto), and after that, they've been secretly meeting and eventually had unprotected sex. She also had sex with me afterwards (so I have to be tested but generally disgusted).

Worst part is that for Mother’s day, instead of spending time with her kids, she wanted to be left alone and “rest”, but while I was out with our 2 kids, she was at home talking and playing games with him (could have been more, who knows).

She initially showed no remorse and when confronted just said "okay, what do you want to do". Not even a sorry, nothing.

It was the first time I had anxiety. My chest was heavy and I couldn't breathe or sleep the first day/night. I asked her during the first 2 days to at least break it off and she couldn't even do that. She snuck out at night after I fell asleep to see him and even came back at 5am and messaged him that she was safe and didn't get caught.
I've gone through different phases of where I want to be. She's okay with me having 100% custody of the kids, which I'm glad. But I still didn't want to just so easily throw away the last 15 years we had together.

When I ask her if she can whole-heartly try to work on this and go all-in on us. She said no, and that while she might not see him in person. She still needs to talk to him every day.

For more background, my wife and I started dating the last year of highschool, so we've spent our entire adult life so far together (15 years).

We are going to couples counseling tomorrow but I feel discouraged because even though I'm the victim. I'm still the one trying. For the kids, her, and myself. I just can't get over losing all the past experiences I had with her and the future experiences that I had hoped to make.

I think she really only showed a bit more remorse on day 3 after seeing me cry and not even being able to sit down in the same table with our kids. I can't even look at pictures of us 4 as a family atm.

Any insight and help is greatly appreciated here.

Edit:
I just want to say thank you to everyone that read this, commented or messaged me. I greatly appreciate the support here and will try to speak to an attorney asap (already started the processed and contacted). I didn't expect this level of support. Unfortunate that this has to happen to so many people but thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Edit 2:
She just confirmed with me that even after a few nights where I thought we had productive talks to see how we can move forward between us and she said that even if she talks to the guy she won't say things like "i miss you" and "i love you", she still did it. It's over, there's nothing left here.

TLDR - How do I just make it through a brutal few weeks when R isn’t going well and I’m completely depleted?

I (33F) have been dreading this period for months. On top of full-time work, I have my final major degree assignments (significantly disrupted since DDay) and an interstate conference next week where I’m presenting and feel nervous as hell. WP has historically acted out during my work trips, so travel is already a trigger.

It’s been 2 years since DDay1, one year since DDay2. Despite a brief early separation over WP’s ambivalence, I’ve been hopeful, committed and patient through most of R - enough to get engaged and start TTC until recently.

The last few weeks have been bad. Defensiveness about his efforts, mismatched expectations about “the work,” and a realisation he wasn’t as far along in his recovery as I thought. I asked for one meeting a week, IC, and some shared reflection. In CC he said it felt like a full-time job, that it wasn’t balanced, the work gets in the way of him living life, and that he doubts he’ll ever be enough for what I’m asking for, doubt that we’ll make it.

That’s shaken me hard. To offer everything I have to someone who put me through significant levels of deception and betrayal and he’s still just… not confident and not sure he can do it despite asking me to marry him and TTC, makes me feel rejected and worthless on another level.

I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am professionally and academically, somehow held onto my job and nearly finished my degree, and I’m applying for other roles without success because my employment feels uncertain. The last few months have brought real isolation, loss of routine, relentless anxiety, and a level of depression I haven’t had in a long time. No savings, no family nearby, no real social support.

We spoke tonight and we are at breaking point. My life feels like it’s about to blow up again, right when I mentally prepared so hard for this period to just be about getting through things that used to feel so easy to me pre-DDay.

I don’t have the reserves I used to. I’m so tired. Any advice welcome.

I’m at a point in my life where leaving means restarting everything. I’m young like very young adult barely even that and a lot of awful things have happened to get me where I am now.
I just need to know if others had to completely change or restart everything after infidelity.
I’m feeling very alone.

Long story short, he used Onlyfans and Fansly as a part of betraying me(including paying these girls). After so many times of going over the same thing of how he is hurting me etc, this last time I found his secret Fansly account. The last girl he subscribed to this past time, her username has effected me which I didnt experience before. I won't post her username for her own safety but it included the word "Panda" in it. My favorite animal is Pandas. He knows this. I have many little collectibles of them and hes gifted me things panda related.

I think it crushed me that he would look at her username how much and not even think of me?

Now I have all my Panda things thrown in a drawer. I cant even look at them without thinking of thag girl and all I saw on her account.

I feel I sound ridiculous but it's what im experiencing.

Id like to move past this trigger and enjoy what I used to again. I just dont know how to.

He took away one of my favorite things that brought me joy in this way

Last weekend was my father’s 90th birthday party in Sacramento. Family came in from different places. It was warm, emotional, and honestly really beautiful.

Then my ex wife walked in with the man she left me for 14 years ago.

We had been married 21 years. He was married too. Their affair blew up both families. One day she moved out and shortly after they moved in together. Back then I was shattered. I went through counseling, years of grief, PTSD symptoms, insomnia, obsessive thoughts. It changed me permanently.

What surprised me is that I had not seen him once since all of that happened.

Over the years, my ex wife and I slowly became friendly again. We exchanged memes on Instagram almost daily. We could laugh again. Life moved on. Or at least I thought it had.

Seeing him in person again hit me in a way I was not prepared for. It felt like my nervous system instantly remembered everything. I did not want conflict. I did not feel hatred. I just wanted distance.

At one point he walked up to me, extended his hand with this almost Cheshire smile and said, “Hi, how are you?” I completely froze. I could barely process what was happening in the moment. Fourteen years disappeared instantly and suddenly I was back inside one of the worst periods of my life.

What made the evening harder was that my ex wife publicly chastised me twice because she felt I had waited too long to greet her. The truth is I had barely even seen her yet because her back was turned to me most of the evening. Still, suddenly I felt like I was being judged for my reaction while the history underneath it disappeared entirely.

The next morning I had arranged brunch for my father, his partner, my date, and me. Through a misunderstanding, my ex wife and her partner were invited too. I quietly bowed out and told the host I was uncomfortable. She completely understood and apologized.

What stayed with me afterward was something deeper.

During my marriage, my ex wife often focused on my reaction to things while rarely acknowledging her own role in causing the hurt. Even after all these years, there has never been an apology for the affair or the devastation that followed. Somehow I still found myself wondering if I was the problem for having boundaries around the man connected to one of the worst periods of my life.

That realization shook me a little.

I think a lot of people who go through betrayal become very skilled at minimizing their own pain to keep everyone else comfortable. You learn to smile. You learn to coexist. You learn to stop talking about it because life keeps moving.

I honestly thought I was “over it” until this weekend reminded me that some experiences stay in the body long after they leave the calendar.

For those who have gone through something similar, have you ever unexpectedly encountered the person connected to your deepest heartbreak years later? How did it affect you?

Today is the 17-year anniversary of D-Day for me. Seventeen years since discovery. In many ways, our marriage survived. We stayed together, raised our kids, built a life, and there were long stretches where I convinced myself that meant I had “moved on.”

But if I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be this: reconciliation is not the same thing as healing. I focused almost entirely on saving the marriage and almost not at all on addressing the trauma inside me. I minimized it, buried it, intellectualized it, and treated my reactions like weaknesses instead of injuries. I thought time alone would heal it. Sometimes time only teaches you how to function around unresolved pain.

For anyone early in this process: please don’t neglect yourself while trying to save the relationship. The marriage may recover while your nervous system never truly does. Take the trauma seriously. Talk about it. Get help if you need it. Learn what betrayal trauma actually is. Healing deserves as much attention as reconciliation itself. I think I would have suffered far less over these last 17 years if I had understood that sooner.

Hi, I (25M) am back again. I will add the other post link at the end.

So at the start of the year my ex confessed to me that she cheated on me. I still tried to save the relationship but the news was so devastating to me that I had a mental breakdown and became suicidal. I was sad for the cheating part.

Fast forward in April, like an idiot I still tried to convince her to let the relationship one more try and it blew up very badly when I had another mental breakdown.

Now here is the thing, I am doing everything thing that is possible for me to move on. I have cut all relationship with her and all kinds of contact with her including friends and families. I am not in social media apart from Reddit which she doesn't use. I am in another country so there is no possible way for us to meet even by mistake.

I sometimes get hit intense emotions. One with sadness and another anger. The anger I can control. It is the sadness that gets very hard to control. And when sadness hits, I start to think about suicide again. I am not acting on suicide, it's the pain that I crave. I have a high tolerance for pain so physical pain is not a problem for me. I had broke my leg in 2 and was bedridden for 3 years. So believe me about the physical pain.

When the sadness hits, it seems like someone is ripping my heart out and I think I would prefer that but not the imaginary pain where I can not do anything.

I am a fresh graduate and looking for a job. So with all the sadness, insomnia(6 years) hitting me, it is affecting me very badly. And I want to manage that sadness. I do physical activity and in therapy.

So any advice how to manage sadness that will reduce it? I know I will never forget this pain but I want to make it small so that it doesn't affect me that much where I am unable to function properly.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/1roontd/i_want_to_stay_is_it_a_good_idea/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Seems like everyone and their mom are on apps cheating or “just flirting” these days. Is there really any point in ending a marriage, confusing/upsetting our child, the financial ruin, the otherwise loving and, until recently the most amazing and trusting relationship I’ve ever had of a decade & a half? I feel like all the bad things would happen from divorce & separation & I’d just wind up with someone else who would be doing the same thing. Am I better to just bottle it up as best I can, or accept the “you’re imagining things” I’ve been handed?

We’ve been together since just about before the “dating apps” became the way most people seem to find a partner these days, be it LTR or quick hook-up. We missed it by an inch & until recent, it’s been amazing. I’m almost positive she’s “making content” with other men and while I work. She won’t admit it, I don’t have “hard proof” just poor quality audio of men describing all of her body, and hearing what I can only assume are “tipping noises” that sound like a g*nshot or similar. I don’t use sites like those & wouldn’t know where to go to actually prove it. I don’t wan to sign up for them all to try & figure it out so she’ll at least stop gas-lighting me. I’ve never cheated, I’m of my word & always thought she was too. I’m not sure where to turn.

Long story short, (tried typing it all out but closed the app on accident & it’s all gone) she’s cheating, sounds like with multiple men, at the same time, AND streaming it somewhere. I don’t know where I don’t who or how long/how many. After finding something (I won’t go into deal about here right now, but very disturbing). I put a recorder where I thought things were happening when I go to work & before she picks up our kid. I’ve never been on a live cam site, or steaming sex show sort of thing (I’m not a saint, sure I watch porn just not that way) and I’ve never been unfaithful to her in over a decade. I’m hearing what sounds like her having sex, multiple men commenting on her body, race, and genitalia. I’m hearing her and at least two other men speaking about where the condom was left, that it’s in the trash, and one of them thinks I’ll find it, etc. It’s all obvious to me.

Here’s the kicker, it’s only audio, there’s no video & the audio isn’t incredibly clear. One thing I’m sure I’m hearing sounds like either gunshots or explosion sounds while these many other men are commenting (I’m assuming these are “tips”) from viewers? I don’t really know. Is anyone aware of WHICH site I may be able to hopefully/hopefully not? Find my wife in a very non-deniable situation so we can have a conversation that’s not me being told I’m crazy/hearing things/hallucinating.

Please help me, I’ve been feeling insane, gas-lit, angry, and guilty all at the same time. We have a child together & I don’t want to ruin his life or anyone else’s if I could be somehow imagining this, but also… don’t know what I’ll do if I’m not. It’s like trying to sail a a puzzle without knowing what it looks like.

Me, 27F, and my partner, 28M, have known each other since primary school, and have been in a relationship for the past 6years. No kids , not married, bought a house together 2 years ago.

I went through his phone over the weekend and found hundreds of dick picks being sent to and from other males on various social media accounts. I also found history on hookup webpage sites, proof of a grinder account etc.

He’s always been quite sneaky with his phone. But I’ve never gone through his phone and never thought to question he was bi.

He told me he’s been struggling with his sexuality since high school, and due to an interaction with his parents could never admit this side of himself to me or even himself. He promises he never met with any of them or has physically done anything with anyone.

He is an extremely horny man and I’m not so sexually driven. We have sex maybe once /twice a week which he has always promised is enough for him. Our sex life is adventurous, and we have in the past opened it up (think swingers nights etc.)

He says he could never be with a man romantically, and could never be attracted to a man outside of sex, it’s just in his mind engaging by with a female is cheating, whereas with a male it isn’t.

This feels like years of betrayal, like our whole relationship has been a lie, like I don’t know the person I’m sleeping next to.

He says he only loves me and only wants a family with me, but there’s this side of him he can’t explain and doesn’t mean anything other than for pleasure.

Has this ever happened to anyone else?
Bi-sexual men of reddit, can anyone relate?
Am I being dragged into another stereotypical ‘I’ve just been caught cheating I’ll say anything to make it right’ type apology?
Does the fact that I had no clue say anything about what type of relationship I thought I was in, vs. what I was actually in?

So today my youngest, our youngest graduated college. Huge honors, they got two major Awards, plus several other accolades for their schooling. I unfortunately had to sit next to FW during said ceremony. I figured everything was going well, I was trying to be on my best behavior. Come to notice that said FW is texting his Sparkletwat AP during the ceremony and sharing pictures.

This completely pushed me over the ledge, I was livid. He couldn't go a single freaking day without sharing our personal family moments. After the ceremony concluded, I had to run to my home and take care of my young dog. He left approximately 30 minutes before I did and he still was not home. He is with his freaking AP. Not a single freaking day can go by without him involving that creature!

Truthfully, am I being unreasonable to expect that he would be able to control himself for one single day? I consider this a complete betrayal of what my child wanted and expected! I'm so pissed off right now I can't even tell you!

Looking for some input. Am I wrong?

I've been following this thread recently and found some of the advice provided very insightful! Would greatly appreciate if some feedback or guidance?

I'm gay M50's and years back was devastated by a cheating partner at the height of the AIDS crisis. Fortunately was not infected....all of my suffering was emotional.

I was young and naive. I moved in with him as he had recently purchased a home and was remodeling it. We were happy working on the house together and living together. I too had been saving to buy my own home and sunk my life savings into this house for new kitchen and bathroom....since we were going to be together forever even though my name wasn't on the Deed etc...my first mistake with trust.

Fast forward 3 years, relatively happy and a trip I wasn't able to get time off work presented itself. I was fine/content at home it was only 4 days. Well an acquaintance of us both was at Conference in sunny destination too. When it happened. I wasn't initially aware and he returned home and was intimate with me. Discovery occurred a couple weeks later with suspicious phone call(s) from acquaintance.

I was told to move out/move on theirs was true love. I was blindsided and devastated! First stop was to the Dr to be tested for STD's. I had no savings to secure my own apartment security deposit etc...and reluctantly moved in with my sister. I had to fight and threaten to get my money back from home improvements just to survive.

With patience and support from family and good friends as well as a therapist I moved on. A few years later I met another man....wonderful and trustworthy! We're happy and together for a number of years before we were able to legally marry. We own a lovely home together even purchased a beach condo together that we enjoy on weekends and I have dogs! Throughout our life together we've had many dogs. (Cheater didn't like dogs, of there were signals, ugh).

So what's my problem, right?

Unfortunately last year my Mom passed away. So I was in my hometown off and on for several months while she was hospitalized and eventually to clean out her home and sell it. I'm at a Home Depot purchasing supplies when I see ex-cheater and acquaintance?!?! I was shocked they're still together especially because of how relationship started? Their appearance was awful, they've aged terribly likely drugs or poor health initially didn't recognize them but knew my ex's voice. Stunned, I watched them check out and leave.

I'm not on Facebook, social media doesn't interest me but been researching online. They bought a different home jointly years back and appears they are married as well? Ex was extremely closeted when we were together? Different times I suppose?

Why does this knowledge hurt me? Why should I / do I care? I'm really struggling with this after years of no contact - no real interest in what ex was doing! Of course, I've shared discovery with my husband he listened patiently and compassionately.

My life is so much better than I ever could have imagined, my marriage is a happy one. We're Blessed to be in good health overall. We've both done well Professionally and financially and are looking forward to retirement.

Why do I care? Thoughts, suggestions? I'm described by many as forward thinking. I don't understand?

Thanks for Listening!!