r/SupportforBetrayed

Infidelity is just rampantly commonplace in the culture. Media, people, and friendgroups all have it happening one way or another. But I can't get angry about it. I get angry, and it's hatred or discrimination or bigotry. The only people I've seen who aren't affected by it are hyper religious people, and even there, it sometimes happens.

I just want normal people. Friends and partners who text you back. When a friend cheats with a partner, they understand if the person cheated on wants retributive justice. A group of friends where cheating like that doesn't happen. Partners who don't act like flirting with other people or making out with friends is okay. I really thought those were normal things. But I can not find a group of people my age where that's the case, unless they're super religious.

It's all just hand waved as "We're young! We'll have our fun, then get serious when we're older". Between me not getting that and all of the scarring from my first relationship, I think I'm going to end up being one of those hermits who doesn't talk to people.

For the longest time, I thought I wasn't worth love or friendship. But, it turns out I was what a lot of people want in a boyfriend. It's just the way they act, I don't want them as girlfriends. I can be a pretty good friend, but I don't trust anyone enough to do so anymore.

I have this urge to be with people. I don't want to shelter from the world. But, I just don't think I'll ever find people who make sense to me or be okay again myself to be able to find anyone. She broke me, the friend group reinforced it, and now I'm just confused and alone.

Help. I don't know what to do

I am from New Zealand, I moved to London to be with my partner in 2024. Found out he's been getting handjobs at massage parlours, once last year in March, he proposed in August, and again in February this year. He was never going to tell me and I found out. We were meant to be getting married in 6 months.

I live in London, and am on the other side of the world to my family and feel incredibly alone. I have friends in London but he was my core person.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

We live together in an apartment, so if I stay in London I need to get a new flatshare (or ask him to leave and get a flatmate), I also am between jobs so need to find work.

If I go back home to New Zealand I can live rent free with my parents, and I have friends there. But New Zealand there isn't a whole lot to do, whereas in London there are lots of events (concerts, parties, etc) and I'm pretty busy here so good distraction. But I feel alone a lot because I don't have close friends here or family, and it feels hard.

What would you do? Sometimes I think I should stay and try and have a fun summer, other times I think I should just go home. If I go home I don't think I'll come back to London. It would be too hard to rebuild here again.

It's a 30 hour flight home, with severe jetlag.

I have $150K USD saved, but that was for a house deposit

TLDR: How do you best move through the early months of betrayal trauma? What helps?!

When I met Paul and I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I had been cheated on in previous relationships, and I was very open with him from the beginning about my past. I told him about my fears of being lied to, abandoned, and cheated on. I explained my boundaries around honesty and communication with other women because of what I'd experienced. He reassured me that I had nothing to worry about, and I believed him completely.

As time went on, I started discovering things he hadn't told me. I found out he had continued communicating with his ex-wife after telling me he wouldn't. I later found conversations with another woman from a work convention that made me feel like my relationship wasn't being protected. I only discovered these things after I moved to Ontario to be closer to him. I felt blindsided because he hadn't been transparent with me.

I tried to handle it by communicating. I repeatedly explained how these things affected me, why they triggered my past trauma, and what I needed to rebuild trust. Instead of feeling heard, I often felt like my concerns were minimized or that I became the focus of the problem rather than the behaviors that hurt me. Over time, I started questioning my own reality and wondering if I was asking for too much.

As the relationship continued, the trust kept breaking down. I experienced repeated lying, including about small things. I found out about a second phone, which made me question what else I didn't know. I discovered messages with an escort. There were ongoing issues with pornography and drug use, and I believe those addictions affected how he treated me.

One of the most frightening moments for me involved my son. I believed Paul intended to drive my son and his friend while high. I got home before that happened, and after that, my priority became protecting my son. That changed something in me because I realized this wasn't only affecting me anymore.

Throughout the relationship, I felt alone. I begged for counseling, better communication, honesty, and accountability. I felt like I was constantly trying to save the relationship while he became more distant. He would leave without communicating, spend time with friends, make decisions without discussing them with me, and I often didn't feel like a partner. I felt blamed for things like finances and for not seeing his parents, even though I had encouraged him to spend time with them and tried to be mindful about money.

I also felt emotionally put down. I was criticized about cooking and cleaning, yelled at in front of neighbors, and I felt like he spoke negatively about me to his family. He wrote a Reddit post about me that I believe left out important context and made me look like the problem everyone is calling me crazy, which was humiliating. That post is in this group.

By the end of the relationship, I no longer felt safe, loved, or prioritized. I realized I was grieving the man I thought he was rather than the relationship I was actually living. Even though I still love him, I also know that if nothing changed and I went back, I would likely end up in the same cycle. That's why I'm here. I want to understand why I stayed so long? why I still miss him? and how to heal so I don't repeat these patterns in the future? 😔

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Last days have been really rough for me and I hope this will help me a little bit.
I’m 27, and my husband is 28. We have two daughters—our oldest is almost 2 years old, and our youngest is just 3 months old.
A year ago, I thought I knew exactly what my future looked like. We were building our family. We were preparing for our second daughter. We had just bought our very first home together. We signed a mortgage, talked about decorating the girls’ rooms, and imagined watching them grow up there.
Instead… During my third trimester, my husband started an affair. Ten days before I gave birth to our youngest daughter, he left me and 2 hours later went to his mistress. Three days later, we got the keys to the house we had bought together.
Instead of walking through that front door as a family, I moved wirh my toddler into that house alone.
Today, he’s still in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with.
One of the hardest things for me is that he separates the affair from his decision to leave. He says cheating wasn’t my fault, but that his decision to end our marriage was because our relationship had become too difficult.. Those words have stayed with me ever since. I’ve spent months questioning myself as a wife, as a mother, and as a person. The hardest part is knowing I wasn’t perfect while also knowing I wasn’t the only person responsible for what happened. Looking back, I truly believed that if two people loved each other enough, almost anything could be worked through.
Oddly enough… The affair and divorce isn’t what hurts me the most anymore. What hurts the most is grieving the future I genuinely believed I would have. I thought we’d raise our daughters together. I thought we’d have one home. One Christmas morning. One birthday celebration. One set of family traditions. One ordinary life together. Instead, I’m slowly trying to accept a future I never wanted.
Right now, he only comes to visit the girls because our youngest is still only three months old. Our oldest has hardly ever spent time alone with him because throughout almost her entire life, I’ve been her primary caregiver. I know that eventually this will change. There will come a day when they spend weekends with him.
When they build memories without me. When they celebrate birthdays or holidays that I’m not part of.
I know this is reality for many divorced families. But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The idea that parts of my daughters’ childhood will happen without me absolutely breaks my heart. Not because I don’t think they deserve a father. But because I never imagined missing pieces of their lives. I never imagined having to share Christmases. Or birthdays. Or hearing about memories instead of living them with them.
None of this was my choice. I didn’t choose divorce. I didn’t choose to become a single mother. I didn’t choose for my daughters to grow up between two parents.
Yet I’m the one who has to learn how to live with all of it.
I don’t want him back anymore. Too much has happened. Too much trust has been broken.
I want peace. I want to stop replaying every conversation in my head. I want to stop wondering if I somehow destroyed my own family. I want to stop grieving a future that no longer exists.
I’m so hurt and just grieving the loss of the life I truly believed I was going to have and having to split my children.

hi everyone. I just want to share my story and find some answers or just read what people say and think about it.

I am 30 year old woman, I have a newborn (2 months old almost) and a toddler 2,5 years old. Still married officially but… here’s the story:
We met in Dubai where I had a job, moved to his country in Europe where he invited me to live with him. I honestly thought this is it and fall in love with the man. He proposed after 6 months together. Life was beautiful and busy. He can’t sit still, big business, loves to travel, lots of people and fun. We traveled a lot. We became a family. My parents moved to his country because of war in my home.

we had our first daughter abroad and were constantly talking how we would move to Spain and live there, making future plans.

we both have siblings and we were dreaming that daughter has a sibling too, so we planned a baby. 2 months being pregnant with a second baby I discovered he has an affair. I was shocked, there was no doubt about us in my head. he was calling me the love of his life. He came back home in 2 days and talked to me, his parents, and he broke it with the AP.
He was with her just for 1,5 months when I discovered.
the AP is 4 years younger than me. She’s 26. I am now 30. He is 42.

He downgraded because she’s just a regular girl. She was following him to all events and places until she got him….
He made it look like he came back home for a month, I was devastated and asking lots of questions. Then I realized he is in touch with her and still seeing her. after a month from discovery he unsurely said that he wants to be just parents with me. Wtf?
I was shattered, I am pregnant, we have a toddler, I told him he is out of his mind. We agreed that we wont make major decisions in pregnancy. But I obviously knew he is with ap.
for half year it was functioning in a way that I know he is meeting her and talking to her, but he was home every day and sleeping on a sofa downstairs and helping and doing everything, but there was not a word about his affair. He was saying he helps me because I am pregnant, pregnancy was not easy and we have a toddler. I genuinely thought that he went mad and there is no chance they stay together and once the baby is born somehow he will wake up and do the work and try to bring it all back.
I was devastated, I had panic attack, crying, surviving pregnancy from day to day…. I was constantly worried, then I was sad, then angry, then I hoped, and so on. Lots of feelings. Until this day. After baby birth where he has the audacity to be there in birth room, which I did not reject because I truly hoped we will end up together… I thought he is so in love with the baby, so supportive, there is no way he can leave me alone in this…

then 7 days postpartum I just exploded and couldn’t handle this shit anymore. Is he here or is he there? What the fuck is going on? I kicked him out after he said “You wouldn’t want a guy who will stay just for the kids”.

the thing is that now it’s even worse. He wants to be Involved father and we have daily contact. He is still with the same bitch he cheated me on and he wants to take toddler for a walk/activity/etc. I have no clue if his bitch is there or not, how can I possibly know if he is a liar?? my babies don’t owe her a meeting even.

that the hardest part of all. The parenting part. With this person.

his parents won’t approve and say they will reject contact with ap. But that’s for now… we are still not officially divorced.

he is so weak he can’t even ask for divorce, I constantly have to talk to him to understand what’s going to happen and how things will be. I take care of two kids and he just blames me that he has little time with them. Like I am the one who did all this. He says he’d help all the time but “I won’t let him”. In fact, I am 24/7 around the kids, no time to shower. And he is fucking around, party, job, travels, gym , name it.

I can’t apply for divorce for another year until my documents here are done. I dont know how to survive this year. Once divorce is finalized I want to move abroad and I hope he gives Me permission to move with kids. He wants to be involved father because he can’t stand to be the bad guy in the story. He genuinely thinks “Life happened, I fall in love, I never meant to hurt you. And I will always be there for the kids, don’t make me loose contact with them”.

So the question is, am I crazy to feel furious? I think I am going crazy.
Do you have experience moving abroad with two kids to a totally new place (you visited but with one kid before)? With no Family or friends there.
what will be the custody plan for this case? He wants kids… let’s say they will be 5 and 3? Can he take them away for long?

please give advice on how to survive this and not break into pieces.

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful.

I've read so many articles and books in just the past 2 weeks.

The most helpful were Cheating in a Nutshell and Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Leave a Cheater Gain a Life was good for maintaining the necessary anger but I don't like the "chump" schtick. The Body Keeps the Score is surpringly good, scientific as I prefer, but it's dense so not finished yet. Betrayal Bind... Ironically I read it before I even found out, to deal with *existing* trauma (yep. Now I have even more) and skipped past the infidelity parts thinking those didn't apply 🙄🤮 so I guess I have to reread that.

I know the grief is normal but. I keep being reminded that this is actually real and it feels like drowning over and over. I don't know what to do.

Is there anything specifically about this grief? I don't even know what stage I'm at, it's like all of them at once, whichever wants to pop up any given hour.

New therapist appointment is over a week away. I know some grounding techniques but it isn't helping with this.

I went to see Obsession because I figured it would make me feel better to see that things could go very very wrong in the opposite direction of what happened to me.

First of all, I clocked Ian's shit the second he suggested Bear wait to tell her how he felt. The big reveal from Sarah was basically exactly the same as what happened to me, but imagine 4 Ians and Bear had actually been with Nikki before.

Second, the way they set the plot up made it so that she never loved him. Not even before all of the nonsense. We had all of the signals of possible romance in the beginning only to realize she never loved him. Hits pretty fucking close to home.

Then there's the terror of Nikki seeming like Bear SAd her in the beginning of the wish. For any guys who have been hit on by a woman who didn't take the "not interested" well, this was like a live nightmare.

I went into the movie expecting to see how someone obsessed with someone else could go drastically wrong to help get over the fact someone I was with and over the moon for didn't want me. Instead, I relived some of my most jarring experiences while having new nightmare fuel interjected throughout.

Like I said, fantastic movie. Really well done. Really great piece of horror. Love the director's comedy and he's done a great job in horror. But, if you're like me, hoping to be scared into realizing someone betraying you isn't the worst thing in the world, you're going to be fried from a lot of very real experiences.

So for context: me and my ex husband were together for 8 years. We have a 2 year old baby together. 3 months ago I found out he had been cheating at least since December. I found everything by myself because he was never honest with me. During this time he broke up with me, then came back only to end things for good in April.
He immediately started a relationship with his AP and one month later she was around my kid.
When we broke up I believed he thought we could be really good at coparenting and even do things “a family”. But I just can’t do it…I became super distant and cold towards him because I’m so hurt.
I only talk the minimum about our child and through messages. I just can’t stand being in his presence.
Now he just barely responds to my messages and seems as if he just erased me from his life like the last 8 years never existed.
He kept our house and lives there (I believe she stays with him a lot). We have 50/50 shared custody so it just feels like he stole half of my time with my baby.
I know distance will be the best for my healing process but I can’t help but reminiscing on the old times and question how he could just move foward…it’s just so hard.
3 months into this and I just don’t know when things will get better. I just want to feel a little happiness again but right now that seems impossible.

Any advice?

Found out in February of this year wife cheated on me. Blew up my world, like it does. We had been going back and forth for several months if we are going to work it out or split up.Seeing couples counseling and individual. She was sorry and remorseful at first, probably sorry she got caught. Then, like a textbook case, started the blaming, more lying, manipulating, rewriting the history of our marriage and gaslighting. I went down the rabbit hole of possibilities of staying or leaving. Finally about a month and a half ago she decides one of us needs to move out. I agreed. But said I’m not going anywhere. She chose to leave, to heal, she says. Then a week before moving out, prior to us telling the kids (two adult, one 14 year old) she asks if this could possibly be a temporary move. We could work on the marriage with more counseling. Maybe get back together in six months. That’s what she wants to tell the kids. She moves. Kids tell her she’s running from problems. They barely want anything to do with her, which is fucking terrible in and of itself. They know nothing of the cheating. Only that Mom and Dad are working on their marriage. Three days out of the house, she tells me that she’s already thriving and wants a divorce. A week out from leaving the house, she lets us all know she has a guy friend that comes over. I know what’s up. The kids aren’t stupid, they know. Right now, after going through all the traumatic shit from the infidelity, I’m more angry than anything. Angry the kids have to put up with this. Angry she lied and manipulated on her way out of the house. Older kids are pretty much done with her, very upset about her already hooking up with some dude and he spends the night there. Youngest is angry, sad etc. I really want the divorce too now, no other option. Decided I will not seek out dates or hookups til divorce is done, or at least end in sight. Kids rely on me to be the stable, consistent one. So I will be. But what the fuck!! How can people be so fucking selfish and turn into a completely different person. It’s surreal. Ok. Done.

Welp much like the rest of us I guess many of us never saw ourselves posting here.

For context I’m 41(M) my wife 39(F). We have been married for 11 years. It started off great we have an 11 year old daughter.

Over the past several years I’m taking 4 or 5 years we have been living I would say more like roommates. I work and for much of that time I worked a 3rd shift. She is a SAHM and trying to now find work.

Often times I would go sleep in daughters room as it blocked most sunlight and while on 3rd shift she would kind of take over office and living room areas.

Fast forward I found out in October of last year (2025) that my wife was having a EA. I think distance kept it from becoming anymore but anyway a 50 year old man on the other side of the U.S. who is also married with kids! I found out when I went into her phone trying to figure out a password for my daughter’s school work. Welp instead I see a man labeled “hotness” in Facebook messenger. She was labeled total babe or something.

At first she tried to play it off but later was forthcoming. (and then I kind of steal the phone and go off). The mistake I feel I made was not dissecting more conversations but there were just too many. I’ve thought of messaging him, I’ve thought of telling his wife because I feel like he shouldn’t get off free. Meanwhile my mind runs everyday at some point.

I talk to her about it and what started off as friends grew to more to include him sending naked pictures and her sending one topless picture. The guy she was talking to was actually upset she didn’t send full frontal. I also saw messages on masturbation and make up sex and booking flights that kind of stuff. Statements like “always horny for the right man” They then kind of cut it off atleast the sexy flirting part by the time I found out but it still happened. If I had to guess they talked for a year and for probably 2 months or so it was more heated.

Now we were struggling we both were but I would never do that to her.

She finally saw it for what it was I said he groomed you, he doesn’t care about you etc. ( I have a background with sex offenders ). She is extremely remorseful, she wishes she could take it back, and she says she cares about me way more than him even when it was going on. He is blocked and deleted etc. so it’s not even a question of if she will message him again. She can’t stand him, she feels used and said he messaged other women too for validation.

She is on several medications to try to stabilize mood and has been for 6 or so years. If I bring it up it’s impossible because she has already said she is sorry and nothing more happened ( which didn’t the guy lives literally the other coast of the U.S.). So she isnt lying when she says me bringing it up pushes her further away and more isolated. She will talk about it but it’s really hard for me not to come off angry or stunned which I was. As she constantly talks about hating men who behave like he did. Which is kind of confusing.

Ok now I understand why everyone types so much on these it just flows. Well a big part is she shared a lot about us with this guy. I mean sex life etc that I trusted her with.

She said stuff to him she has never said to me sexually and I don’t necessarily want that if it’s fake. Sent videos to him often ( not intimate more how are you, just checking in and I even saw me and my daughter in a video sent to him from the beach.

Now she is sorry and hates that I carry the hurt. We are going on a vacation to the same spot some of the videos were sent( this was after it was no longer sexual but just hey are you messages). That’s video with me and daughter in it.

So a few things how do I reclaim this vacation as my spot or our spot? Does it ever get better or stop going through your head like a Rolodex? I have good days and bad days. My good days often are when I get messages from her because I am on her mind. By the way during this he got messages constantly and mine were often left unread.

Am I overreacting because it wasn’t physical? I did a therapist for a bit but stopped. I just want to feel chosen. So yes I do push towards her as my love language is more touch. But she pulls away because she says she can’t give me that reassurance yet. So I’m in a cycle of wanting physical closeness while she is trying to wrap her mind around what she did and slowly get back to that place with me.

Has anyone been in this loop? Did you ever get out??? I’m sorry for the long post and I’m new to this Reddit.

Take care all.

We’ve been together for 3 years and a half. He always was so amazing, kind, considerate like honestly anything you could ask for in a man…or at least I thought so.
I graduated high school and to celebrate we organized a trip together to japan ( for context we live in Switzerland and we have been planning for over 6months)
It’s our second day here and he opened instagram but when he did I saw a girl in his dms so he let me take his phone which I find crazy and when I opened it tons of messages. He calls her my love or cutesie nicknames like that, he asked for pics of her wearing lingerie even though she did not send any. What’s crazy is that she knows he has a girlfriend and they even played on that. He told her if I didn’t exist he would jump her and she keeps saying she is jealous of me and he tells her they can also go on a trip together. They talk about sex and his dick and showers he tells her he desires her and likes her. It’s also more than just sexual cause they tell each other they will always be there for one another and they talk about how it would be if I didn’t not exist. He tells her when he is not feeling well and vice-versa. They never met each other in person though and she lives miles away from him. They met on a game I showed him. From what I gathered it’s been very heavy sexual stuff for a couple weeks but they have been talking for at least a month. It’s true that I have been a bit distant with him because I was going through finals ( that’s about when he started talking to her I think) but yeah.
I confronted him. All he has to say is that to him it means nothing, that he would never act on anything that if she had sent him nudes he would have blocked and that this whole entire thing was to boost his self esteem.
The worst part is that after I have to spend hours reassuring him when I go to parties or when I hang out with friends and there’s a guy whilst he goes and does that.
I told him to go find a hotel for tonight and am currently waiting for him to go to ours and get his stuff.
I never saw it coming. He seems so entirely different from the others.
My whole entire being wants to go back to him. I want so badly to forgive him or just forget about it shove it down and have a lovely trip. I want that so so so badly and I know if I see him again tonight i won’t be able to fight that urge anymore.

I have two options:
Go back to him somehow and enjoy the trip in his warm embrace or cut off all ties and finish this trip solo. ( he will leave or find other hotels but all the hotels we booked together are mine to sleep in btw I still have 17 days before my flight back)

I can try and find a flight now but that would cost so so much and even though that would be incredibly comforting to be home I would miss out on my amazing grad trip to Japan that I worked my ass off to plan.

All this just happened a couple hours ago but all I know is that I feel so incredibly alone. He’s been my best friend for so long I can’t imagine a life without him.

I need help I am completely lost as to what to do.
And yes he is my first boyfriend.
How do I navigate this?
Did you ever go back to your partner even though he cheated? How was it? I love him so much still, with every fiber of my being I don’t know if I can do this.
I mean we are all humans right? We make mistakes and learn from them once confronted with the consequences…he swore he would do better. He blocked her and she told him to stop texting her.
The time difference from home is too big for me to be able to talk to anyone I know…except him.
Can’t we work through this…?

The truth is, I put too much faith in being with her. Planned for kids, positioned career around what would best support a family, began building strategy around where we could live and how we could get there.

She was right. After everything she'd done, she ended it with, "I'm sorry. I know you'll never trust again." I was betrayed by her, friends, and family. Every support structure you're supposed to have showed me it was made of wet cardboard. The cruelty of man has made me apathetic to the plight of people.

I don't really know where to go from here. I've always wanted to make a name for myself, but why? When I was young, it was because I was desperate for the validation of the masses. Then, as I got older, it was to be loved by the masses for the benefit I could bring to society. With her, it was to provide a great future for her and a family.

I don't need that validation or that love anymore. Any relationship I have would likely be hollow because I will never be able to fully trust anyone again. I've been shown that friends and family are aesthetics at best. I suppose I could just hedonistically enjoy myself, but to what end? I don't get much joy from anything other than achievement.

I used to care, but after everything, I don't feel much helping others. When I feed a homeless man, it feels the same as punching a formula into Excel. Just another action. Social structures have broken down. The enjoyment I do get is from accomplishing things. But again, to what end? Accomplishing tasks for the sake of accomplishing tasks means nothing if there's no one to share them with.

I have medical problems that keep me in a near perpetual state of pain, I've had to fight my way through all kinds of mental illness through the years, and my family's history suggests I will have a slow, painful death. Why bother? To feel the sun on my face? To smell the smell of sweet grass in the morning? Those are lovely and bring vitality to life. But, continuing on for a handful of good experiences doesn't seem to make much sense.

I know. It's a cliche question in this group. I know I could just simply search the group but I also want to just rant I guess.

I found out my(F27) boyfriend(M29) had been watching p0rn back in March. So we're on about month 4. In my head, that was cheating. That was betrayal. I don't know the rules to infidelity but I think I reacted the same way I would if I found out he was physically cheating on me. I had set this boundary literally at the beginning of our relationship because he asked and then agreed to not watch it. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it. We watched shows and movies with sex in it and we even watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy within the first month of us dating. And yes, that was my choosing. Again, I didn't think anything of it.

Something happened at the end of February that led me to looking through his activity in March. March 8th to be exact. I found everything. According to his activity he had started to watch it January 3rd but according to him, he started in December. I was so heartbroken. He had given me every excuse in the book. I kept wondering what went wrong in December. He couldn't even last a year. He said he didn't know what triggered it. He gave me the excuse that he was 100% sober and maybe that was it, he told me he was addicted, he told me he was just doing what guys do. Way to make my outlook on men even worse. He said it had nothing to do with me and that he didn't feel a different way about me when he would watch it. I still find that so hard to believe. I saw the women he was watching. Skinny, beautiful, had everything right. I'm a big girl and I don't have everything right. I have insecurities. My confidence is nonexistent now. He has slowly took it away. Not just from this but he has commented on the attractiveness of another woman and that hurt.

I'm just hurt. He stopped watching in February after the thing that happened then. I can see his activity anytime I want. I put restrictions on his phone like I read about. I've done everything. He's doing everything he can to gain my trust back and make me feel loved. It's just really hard to accept his compliments and it's been really hard to trust him. I look at his activity every time I'm on my laptop. I've slowly been getting better. I'm not as insane about it as I was. It still feels so fresh though. I still cry thinking about it. I'm tearing up now just talking about it. I've been validated so many times. I know how I'm feeling is valid. I'm hurt, my confidence is gone, my love got taken for granted(his words), I'm mourning the relationship I thought I was living in December through February, I'm mourning the boyfriend I thought I had. I was lied to, had things happen behind my back.

He's doing things right. At least I hope he is. I heard forgiving someone can help move things forward but I'm having such a hard time trying to forgive him. I'm not forgiving him in hopes that the hurt goes away. I know that's not going to him. I want to forgive him because of all of the effort he has made to change his ways and be the boyfriend I deserved in the beginning. Before this, he was an ok boyfriend. I love him with everything I have but he had a lot of things to work on. I'm his first girlfriend so I've let a lot of things slide but this, this could have been avoided had he respected me and not broken my trust. How has anyone gotten past something like this? Is it possible?

One of the things I do not think people understand about betrayal is that it does not just hurt you. It changes you. I can feel it changing me as a man, and I hate that almost as much as the betrayal itself. I can feel myself becoming more guarded, more suspicious, more cynical, more jaded. I can feel softness leaving places in me where it used to live without effort. My patience is shorter. My compassion has to fight its way through anger first. I am quicker to see danger, quicker to hear bullshit, quicker to assume the worst. I am becoming meaner in ways I do not like.

Not cruel for the sake of being cruel. I do not want to hurt people, but I am sharper now. Colder. Less willing to assume good intent, less wiling to offer grace. Less willing to believe words, tears, apologies, panic, shame, explanations, or promises. Things I once would have met with an open heart now hit a locked door first, and that scares me because I know who I was.

I was not perfect. I had my flaws, my wounds, my temper, my childhood damage, my own hard edges. But I still believed in loyalty. I believed in standing there. I believed in protecting my family. I believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I believed love, commitment, duty, and integrity meant something. I believed that if you were honest, faithful, and decent to people, that mattered. Now I catch myself looking at everything through the lens of what people are capable of hiding. I look at couples walking down the street in "love" and wonder if one of them is cheating.

That is another theft. The affairs stole my consent. The lies stole my reality. The years of secrecy stole my memories. The trickle truth stole my peace. The humiliation stole pieces of my dignity. But this part is different. This is the theft of the man I was before I knew. Because now I have to fight not to become someone I would not have respected. I have to fight not to let betrayal teach me that kindness is weakness. I have to fight not to let someone else’s dishonesty turn me into a dishonest version of myself. I have to fight not to let disgust become my default language.

And honestly, some days I lose that fight. Some days I am colder than I want to be. Most days I am harsher than I need to be. Some days I hear the edge in my own voice and I know exactly where it came from. Some days I look at the man I am becoming and think, this is not who I wanted to be. This is not who my children deserve. This is not who I spent my life trying to become. I try.

That is the part people miss when they talk about moving on. Moving on from what exactly? The sex? The lies? The wedding being poisoned? The years being fake? The humiliation? Being made to carry a reality I did not know was false? Having to excavate my own life like a crime scene? Or the fact that something inside me has been altered now? That is a harsh pill to swallow, and I am fighting the effects of that nasty drug.

Betrayal does not just break trust in the person who betrayed you. It tries to break trust in your own nature. It makes you question whether your goodness was wisdom or stupidity. It makes you wonder whether your loyalty was strength or naivety. It makes you look back at your patience, forgiveness, devotion, and willingness to keep showing up and ask whether those were virtues, or just the handles someone used to carry the knife in deeper.

I do not want to become bitter. I do not want to become cruel. I do not want to become the kind of man who punishes the world for what one person did. But I also cannot pretend this has not changed me. I cannot pretend I am the same man standing in the same room with the same heart. I am not. And maybe part of healing is admitting that honestly without glorifying it, excusing it, or letting it harden into identity.

This betrayal is making me jaded. It is making me meaner. It is making me less trusting, less soft, less open, and less innocent in the way I understand people and love and marriage. And I hate that this is another thing I have to grieve. Not just the marriage. Not just the memories. Not just the truth I was denied. But the version of me who did not know people could do this, come home, smile, sleep beside you, raise children with you, accept your loyalty, and let you keep believing you were living in the same reality.

I miss that man. And I am angry that I now have to fight so hard to keep the best parts of him alive.

Welp much like the rest of us I guess many of us never saw ourselves posting here.

For context I’m 41(M) my wife 39(F). We have been married for 11 years. It started off great we have an 11 year old daughter.

Over the past several years I’m taking 4 or 5 years we have been living I would say more like roommates. I work and for much of that time I worked a 3rd shift. She is a SAHM and trying to now find work.

Often times I would go sleep in daughters room as it blocked most sunlight and while on 3rd shift she would kind of take over office and living room areas.

Fast forward I found out in October of last year (2025) that my wife was having a EA. I think distance kept it from becoming anymore but anyway a 50 year old man on the other side of the U.S. who is also married with kids! I found out when I went into her phone trying to figure out a password for my daughter’s school work. Welp instead I see a man labeled “hotness” in Facebook messenger. She was labeled total babe or some bullshit.

At first she says well he is gay anyway( not true obviously) and then I kind of steal the phone and go off. The mistake I feel I made was not dissecting more conversations but there were just too many. I’ve thought of going after him, I’ve thought of telling his wife because I feel like he shouldn’t get off free. Meanwhile my mind runs everyday at some point.

I talk to her about it and what started off as friends grew to more to include him sending naked pictures and her sending one topless picture. I also saw messages on masturbation and make up sex and booking flights that kind of stuff. They then kind of cut it off as they saw how wrong it was but it still happened. If I had to guess they talked for a year and for probably 2 months or so it was more heated.

Now we were struggling we both were but I would never do that to her. I mean gun to head I’m taking a bullet.

She finally saw it for what it was I said he groomed you, he doesn’t care about you etc. ( I have a background with sex offenders ). She is extremely remorseful, she wishes she could take it back, and she says she cares about me way more than him even when it was going on. He is blocked and deleted etc. so it’s not even a question of if she will message him again. She can’t stand him, she feels used and said he messaged other women too for validation. ( um anyone else see him how I do a real P.O.S)

She is on several medications to try to stabilize mood and has been for 6 or so years. If I bring it up it’s impossible because she has already said she is sorry and nothing more happened ( which didn’t the guy lives literally the other coast of the U.S.). So she isnt lying when she says me bringing it up pushes her closer to the edge for back of better term. She will talk about it but it’s really hard for me not to come off angry or stunned which I was. As she constantly talks about hating men who are pigs. I mean oink oink you found the main pig.

Ok now I understand why everyone types so much on these it just flows. Well a big part is you shared a lot about us with this guy. I mean sex life etc that I trusted her with.

She said stuff to him she has never said to me sexually. Sent videos to him often and I even saw me and my daughter in a video sent to him from the beach.

Now she is sorry and hates that I carry the hurt. We are going on a vacation to the same spot some of the videos were sent( this was after it was no longer sexual but just hey are you messages). That’s video with me and daughter in it.

So a few things how do I reclaim this vacation as my spot or our spot? Does it ever get better or stop going through your head like a Rolodex? I have good days and bad days. My good days often are when I get messages from her because I am on her mind. By the way during this he got messages constantly and mine were often left unread.

Am I overreacting because it wasn’t physical? I did a therapist for a bit but stopped. I just want to feel chosen. So yes I do push towards her as my love language is more touch. But she pulls away because she says she can’t give me that reassurance yet. So I’m in a cycle of wanting physical closeness while she is trying to wrap her mind around what she did and slowly get back to that place with me.

Has anyone been in this loop? Did you ever get out??? I’m sorry for the long post and I’m new to this Reddit.

Take care all.

I found my partner cheating on me because I went through his phone. I had recent suspicions that tipped me off, but I ended up finding months of cheating and betrayal, even in moments I never would’ve suspected. At first, he was saying and doing all the right things to reconcile, and I believed him. Then he changed his mind and said he’d rather break up. Now he says he wants to try again.

Frankly I’m not optimistic at all. He’s already re-followed girls I blocked from his phone that night I found everything. I blocked a bunch of a girls in a fit of rage. It feels like a very pointed action to re follow girls he cheated on me with, claiming they’re just friends. I believed his lies before so why should I believe him now?

I feel like the only thing that could give me some “peace” is an open phone policy, but that makes me sick because I don’t even want to surveil him. Thinking about asking for it and how he might react and DARVO me makes me sick.

Has anyone asked their partner this and how did it go? Please tell me all the bad stories. I can already sense this reconciliation won’t work but I know I just need to consider all the rules of the road I might want because if I just keep the door shut, unfortunately I know myself and I’ll always wonder. I’d love to just be strong and say no I don’t accept cheating I’m done, but I’m just not there yet.

36M married to 38F. Married for 5 years, with a daughter that is 4.

The infedility from my partner started a year ago but I only found out 2 days ago through a deleted screenshot my daughter found.

Thankfully she at least admitted it and was fairly candid about it all. I suspect there are at least 2 other affair partners she didn't tell me about. She was pretty much emotionless during the whole speech.

For me we had a perfect little family and all my energy of the past 4 years went into this, and I didn't really maintain freindships and my relationship with my own parents is not very good.

I feel completely shocked, disgusted, angry and heartbroken.

My wife has been the only really close person to me that I would normally have to work through these emotions. I am in a very strange situation where the person that caused so much hurt, is also the only person I have if I want to work through this pain.

I asked her to move out or stay at a friends and she refuses. I have no legal grounds to remove her. I can't really stand being around her, especially as she seems so uncaring and unbothered by this revelation.

I can't really sleep or eat and am completely restless if not simply sobbing.
How do I get through this first stage of this?

I live in a no-fault state but an attorney mentioned that you can at least file for adultery, and then amend it to irreconcilable differences, but you can’t do the other way around. I want women to look up his record and see the truth. Are there any other benefits to filing due to adultery? It’s not an option on the standard form so rather than filing myself, I will have to hire an attorney to file.