r/SupportforBetrayed

I’ll try to keep it simple. We’ve been married 15+ years. We have young children. Two months ago I discovered an emotional and physical affair my wife was having this summer.

The “positive” is that my wife ended her affair within 45 minutes of me discovering it and has been no contact since. She shows regret. She shows what I think is remorse. She seems very committed to repair. She puts in a lot of effort even though some of the efforts feel misguided to me. For example, she does a lot of extra chores now…this is logistically helpful and I appreciate it but I’d much rather her just be more patient and gentle and present with me emotionally when I’m sad than to do the dishes.

There’s just something essential that feels missing.

I feel like there hasn’t been a true “come to Jesus” moment where she feels like “what the hell was I thinking? What I did was insane. I almost lost my husband! I almost lost everything I care about.”

At this point, I’m not looking for justice or fairness or even a full understanding of everything that happened. I’m asking for the affair and its aftermath to have cracked something open in her…to have been the catalyzing moment she realized what she almost lost.

I want her to feel the potential loss fully, viscerally, as love for ME and love of US. I want this post-affair period to become a kind of terrible gift that clarified things and made things better in the long run. Who knows, maybe it still will be. I know we’re still very early in the process.

But right now…instead it feels like it cracked something open in her that’s still unclear. Like she still doesn’t know what’s really going on inside her, but that she’s choosing me and our family regardless of her feelings. To me, that choice feels like a choice done out of duty. I desperately want it to be more than duty.

And honestly, I don’t even care about if I seem pathetic or weak. I love her and I want her to love me back like I’m her one and only. Like she does not think about “what else, what else is out there.” Like I am all she needs. That’s it. I need that. And i feel like I could forgive much easier if I received that.

Maybe I’m the delusional one. I probably am. But I’m willing to sit with that. I don’t care. I just want to feel happy again.

Anyone experienced anything like this? Im open to advice or really anyone’s stories.

Hello —

I’m in my second marriage. First for wife. We’ve been together for 12 years and married for 9.

I discovered in July 2026 that when we were dating, my live-in gf (now wife) for whom I provided 100%, cheated on me with a man she met on the subway. There is zero doubt about her cheating on me with this man. She knew he was married and w kids. Maybe she saw his being married as a plus — NSA. She told me various lies to cover her tracks with this man.

I also recently discovered that she has had an ongoing line of communication w an ex-bf throughout the years of our marriage. (They dated before I knew her.) I wouldn’t call anything I saw as sexting, but it’s romantic, flirtatious, and nostalgic and discusses getting together in person when she’s back in her hometown (where ex bf still lives). Whether they got together in person or whether my wife committed adultery with him is not a sure thing, but there’s so much smoke there, it sure does appear likely. She has visited her hometown (without me) a few times during our marriage.

Let me also add: I can see that from before my wife met me, she had multitracks going with multiple men simultaneously. Also — I now know that my wife was the “other woman” as to not one, not two, but at least three different marriages.

I’ve been happy in my marriage. My first marriage was miserable and I was so happy in my second. Affectionate, fun, sexual, supportive, blessed with small children now, church going. But now I’ve found all this other stuff out.

When I first found out in July 2026, I mostly stopped sleeping and eating for a few weeks. I’d just start sobbing when I’d be by myself sometimes. Now eating and sleeping are back to normal. The only good thing out of all this is that I’ve become very regular about going to the gym.

I also snapped a lot at wife the first several weeks after I discovered all this. Wife didn’t and doesn’t know why — I haven’t confronted her about any of it. Over the last month or so, I don’t especially snap at her anymore.

I’ve consulted with two different lawyers. They independently both said something along the lines of “You seem pretty happy in the marriage, except for the cheating — are you sure you want to divorce?” That feels a lot like asking Mrs Lincoln, “well, other than that regrettable incident, how did you enjoy the play?” But both lawyers also understood the feeling of outraged betrayal and my thinking strongly about divorce. But they are also right that I’m not sure I want to divorce.

I also spoke to a pastor at my church. He similarly suggested possibly staying in the marriage and maybe not even confronting her: “What could she say to make it better?”

I’ve also been meeting with an individual therapist since I discovered all this in July. He thinks I should confront her and then base a decision on whether to pursue divorce on how honest, transparent, and contrite she is. He points out that she might indeed be able to make it better, by transparency and a commitment to fidelity going forward.

My life continues to be consumed by this: Whenever I’m driving alone, I listen to podcasts about affairs — from a Christian perspective, from a secular one, why they happen, when is recovery possible, when is divorce the best option, etc. I ask AI numerous questions about the situation. Dwell on and research different strategies for divorce.

I’ve been holding off confronting her for a variety of reasons. One reason being that one lawyer wanted me to hold off until I could gather more definitive proof of adultery — in my state, if I prove she committed adultery, I will not have to pay her alimony. Another reason to hold off … well … it seems pretty smooth sailing now … I’m guessing the only adultery is when she is in her hometown and she’s not going there anytime soon … I hate how much divorce will harm our beautiful children.

But I’m inclined to think my individual therapist is right: Confront her — in front of a marital therapist — see how that goes and then base a divorce decision on that.

I think I have to confront her. For one thing, the next time she wants to visit her hometown without me, it will make knots in my stomach and she will want to know why. I won’t want her to go. Another thing: I can tell I am more interested in other women. My feelings of loyalty to my wife are massively reduced so naturally other women are catching my eye. But I’d rather divorce with dignity than cheat.

I honestly don’t have high hopes for my confronting her. I’ve also recently come to discover that my wife has told me a number of lies over the years. Not only to cover up sexual infidelity from many years ago, but medium level lies as to other lesser things as well.

Thoughts?

My husband left me for the AP

I’m one of those God awful stories and to make it worse I’m in my mid twenties with twins and a school aged child . When he first left I begged and pleaded and cried . Eventually he(27 M) did come back and when he did let’s just say it was unhealthy. On top of that the AP(33 F) was pregnant. I still wanted him back and then when I did have him I realized I will never forgive him for this betrayal. Things were insanely tense and my abandonment issues got worse . He ended up going back to her I mean who would blame him lol . She accepts and is fine with a man leaving his family for her . As long as she and the son they now share have the better treatment. I had to see this crap on social media . They had a baby shower and took maternity pictures together . I commented some nasty things under it . I know that’s not healing and I know I should get over it . I just can’t believe someone could do this . Then on top of that it’s the same cycle with him wanting to reconcile and spewing crap because he believes I’m still weak over him . I’m still working on our divorce because if I leave it up to him it will never happen. Any time I bring up the fact that he betrayed me worse than anyone in my life he tries to turn it on to me and that it’s my fault . That I caused this . Like he was the perfect partner. It’s ridiculous. He disgusts me I can’t believe I fell in love with him and now my kids have to grow up in an awkward situation because he’s selfish . I just want this anger and obsession I have to go away . I’m tired of feeling like this . I’m tired of the feeling in my stomach I get from checking there social media . I’m tired of feeling less than.

I’m realizing how much of it was abuse (spoiler alert: all of it) as time goes post-separation. Not only am I upset with myself for not clearly seeing it for what it was because of my love for him, but also furious that he got away with abuse. Not only with me, but also with his exes.

Have you ever confronted your ex months or years after the relationship ended that you now realize they are evil?

Before anyone says anything, trust me, I feel so embarrassed that this has caused my brain to do what it is doing. But...here goes.

There was a recent huge case going around, and as I'm listening and watching, I realized that my experience was SO similar. No one ever attempted to harm me, but it was the messages. They reminded me so much of my husband's AP and it turned my stomach. Then, it got my brain doing its thing and trying to put pieces together that i had previously pushed to the side as irrelevant to my healing. I didn't need to know. It's fine. Everything is fine.

However, I think I'm starting to realize that I simply pushed everything down and away vs trying to process it. I am essentially pretending as if all is well.

Now I am wondering if, I'm truly getting past it, why is this coming up?

Has anyone else ever seen something on social media and had it trigger their betrayal trauma?

Its my birthday today, and since I desactivated my social accounts to take a break, nobody remembered. I thought my expartner would congratulate me since not so long ago it was his birthday and I sent him a short but very thoughtful message as a postal. He didn't.

I had to take distance from one of my closest friends recently since she advocated in favour of infidelity. So I just took a moment a while ago to see who could I reach to and, there wasn't. At least not for the moment im in, I'm crying and feeling absolutely miserable and theres no one I feel the enough trust to show myself like this.

I have to bare my grief and pain on my own.

I (31F) have been with my husband(31M) for 11 years and a month ago 6 days before our wedding anniversary, he told me he emotionally cheated on me with a woman from work, and he was in "deep like" with her but he was willing to work on us and go to therapy, and he cut ties already. So I was ready and willing to go to therapy for myself to better myself( I am still in independant therapy and so is he) and he and I agreed to marriage counseling. We set boundaries in place which he continuously broke to talk to her and go see her(his best friend told me this and he confirmed), even after she was fired from their job. All the while telling me he loved me and as he put it "wearing a mask at home" until he figured out his next steps and met with a divorce attorney. His best friend is the one who sent me screenshots and stuff and told me the truth about how far his affair went. After that, Him and I went to our first marriage counseling session and immediately after he hopped in his work van and went to go to work at least thats what I thought. He actually went to go see her(again his best friend told me). And came home and immediately said we needed a divorce and that he didnt love me anymore. He and I still live together while we get our house ready to sell and its really hard to be around him. We have a one year old daughter so I am being strong for her and I never say anything untoward about her dad in front of her but I know she feels my heartache. A mother can tell.

I guess my question is, how do I start to heal while I am still living with him, and how do I stop myself from doing all the wife things ive done for 11 years. I don't know how to not care about him or to not love him. I want him to be happy but the thought of this woman being in my life and our daughters life absolutely wrecks and terrifies me as she is in a cult and has a rough background. I don't know how to be okay with the fact that the man I love already moved on from our marriage and our relationship and is basically throwing me and what we had away. Granted we BOTH have made mistakes and we both were not happy and I was struggling with PPA/PPD at the time of the affair and he was struggling with depression. I guess I was the only one willing to put in the work to try and fix our marriage which also hurts.

I just hope I gain the strength to move on and grow and come out better on the other side of this. I know I have a lot to work on within myself before I even think about dating so I am trying to focus on healing and our precious girl.

Thank you in advanced for all your words of encouragement and advice!

I feel like I’m fundamentally wrongly wired.

caught my (21F) now ex bf (24M) cheating on me in july. i left in the middle of the night and sent him a "we're done". it didnt last long and we reconcilled. i broke up with him yesterday and just moved all my stuff out of his apartment today. when i was with him again i was paranoid. i couldn't sleep and i lost over 10 pounds. i was constantly at war with myself. digging for evidence of him doing it again. he started clearing his notifications and when i asked him about why he was like "i want my phone to be neat" even though he never did it before. my alarm bells went off and i went for a walk before i had a moment of thinking "man what the hell am i doing" and i came back and took what i needed for work the next day and just left. he sent me some passive aggressive texts while i was driving and i just told him its over and i cant do this. he changed his tune immediately and started begging for me back but i stayed firm. i dont think ive ever cried this much in my life. im so sad and miserable without him. all i want is to run back and be in his arms but i cant and i wont. i need to put myself first and being with him is extremely hard on my mental health. i wish i could just feel better or turn off my emotions. i hate being sad. i miss him so much. my heart is completely shattered and i just want him to glue it back together.

I just want to know how much pain is one person supposed to have to take in life?

I don't even know where to start. When I found out my wife cheated on me, I was working two jobs. I slept in the van that she cheated on me in between jobs because I didn't have time to come home some days. And I still made time for dates. I went to awards ceremonies for the kids at school. I helped around the house. I was a good husband. I was a good father. And after I found out I couldn't leave because if I did we would have all been homeless. We couldn't afford to live apart so I had to stay. Since then I've had two back surgeries. The day I got home from one of the back surgeries we got a letter that said our landlord was selling our house. We had 90 days to move. I had just been in the hospital for 12 days. I ended up buying a goddamn house. I've never bought a house in my life. I never thought I'd be able to and I made that shit work. I got hit by a fucking car on the interstate trying to remove some large pieces of tire from the road. I couldn't sue the lady because we have something called contributory negligence in my state. I didn't get workers comp because I wasn't doing my actual job at the time. The doctor that did both surgeries on my leg didn't want me to walk on it for 90 days. I had to be back at work in 90 days because all I got was FMLA and I was back at work in 90 days. And now because of course we have fucking money problems because we always have fucking money problems because it doesn't matter how hard I work. I can't seem to fucking win. It's like the harder I try the more shit gets fucked up. And I'm fucking done. I'm tired of fucking being reliable. I'm tired of taking care of everything. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this shit. I just needed to vent. I don't know if this shit makes any sense. I just I didn't know where else to say it.

My husband of 15 years was kicked out because of DV in June, but he and I have had a rocky relationship for a long time now. Prior to the incident, I found out in March from a friend that he and her had been physical with each other for several months. After he was arrested, I had a temporary restraining order against him. His friends turned him away (they were on my side), so he stayed with the friend he cheated on me with.

It's been a long time since I was comfortable talking to him about what happened. He's been trying to reconcile, and I've been testing the waters with him for the sake of the kids being able to see him without needing someone to supervise him for their safety. But I've realized how deep a lot of this goes. I thought it was only the dv and the disrespect, but now I'm realizing how hurt I am over the cheating, too.

It's now October, and he's still living with her. Every time I bring it up, he tells me he has nowhere else to go, that he doesn't want to spend extra money cuz that "isn't fair to the kids," and that he has no other support system (he IS seeing a counselor now). And I'm like, what am I supposed to do, say "okay" and take it?

I confronted him the other day over text and told him that she needed to be out of the picture. He asked, "How out of the picture," which... wow. I told him, "All the way." I told him she has no business in this marriage and needs to be gone if there is to be an us. He seemed hesitant but willing.

Right now, I'm just wondering if I even want him to succeed. Like, I feel like I shouldn't have even needed to ask. He told me about everything he learned about himself and how he realized he hurt me, and this and that, as if he learned from his mistake all while living with her. I keep hearing how he and her have been going on trips this summer and how he cooks special meals for her and I'm like, am I an idiot for buying his "I'm all about you" speech?

I'm so tired. I have two young boys, 9 and 3, one with autism. I'm alone. I'm in a PhD. program and working part-time, and there's times when it feels like "man, it would be easier if there was a second person here," but I can't. I physically shake anytime he's near our place, I get triggered and panic anytime I hear a song about cheating. I go from moments of "maybe things can work out" to feeling like I actually don't want it to work out at all. I just don't know what to do.

I don't have a question, but I need help.

I learned a few weeks ago my husband of 20yrs had an AP on/off our entire marriage. I actually think he probably has more now I have more details. We have a teenage child.
He has moved out but has been messaging our teen nightly. Our child has responded back minimally and often find excuses to end talking to him.
I’ve gone no-contact as between his long term betrayal, admitting to manipulating people and history of gaslighting, I need the space.
Our teen has expressed to me that it feels like the dad is trying to manipulate them.
My question is- do I step in and request a bit of space on behalf of our child? Our teen is seeing a therapist, feels supported, speaks to me daily about the various feelings regarding all of this. I have encouraged contact, reiterated that their relationship can look different from mine and his.
My concern is if he is manipulating, I don’t want to give him any extra attention. A piece of me also thinks he will actually get bored trying to engage our child- he’s never been highly involved.
I don’t want it to look like I’m keeping her from him (to courts or anything if it comes to that). If he is actually being genuine, I’d like to give him a good position to be in to actually have a decent relationship with her.
Equally I now do not trust anything that comes out of his mouth…
Thoughts? Thanks loads- this community has been a life saver!

TW: Self-Harm and Sui*ide Attempt

I want to share my story while it's still pretty fresh.

Husband (38M) and I (39F) have been together since high school; over twenty years together and nearly 16 married. He has struggled with anxiety and depression since before we ever met and I have always tried to support him as best I could. Two weeks ago, he admitted to me that he felt he had been suffering with a p*rn addiction for the last 7 years of our marriage. I was hurt that he kept it from me, and made that clear, but figured we would discuss it later when we weren't trying to get our kindergartner fed and to bed.

He went in to work at midnight and, long story short, left work early, drove to a hotel, and attempted to take his life. Sparing you the details, it didn't work, and he ended up calling 911 after realizing he wanted to live, and was Baker Acted.

He is doing much better and focusing on positive goals, and I no longer worry about him being an immediate threat to himself, BUT during his mandatory rehab stint, he admitted that he has been communicating with women on Reddit/Snapchat on and off for years, and that he physically cheated on me with a woman from his hobby community, and another that he met on Reddit and has been chatting with on Snapchat for year, usually while in his studio, smoking weed. There were three meetups with the second woman; a platonic hangout, a fooling around meetup, and a sexual meetup. The last one happened a week prior to his attempt, and the anxiety and shame of all of it apparently led to him believing everyone would be better off without him. All of the physical stuff happened in the last year.

I know this is not my fault, but I can admit, looking back, that I wasn't happy in our marriage. He was spiraling, and I was too busy to notice, and he was too afraid to tell me. I didn't love the amount of time he spent holed up in his studio or the fact that he needed to smoke several times a day just to get through it. I love him, but he wasn't the man I wanted to be married to.

He immediately took accountability for all of it, cheating and the attempt, and has expressed daily how grateful he is to be alive and to be here with our child and with me. He said he hopes for reconciliation but understands if I can never trust him again. Today is trash day, and he threw out every bit of his weed and paraphernalia, as well as all the physical p*rn media he had. He's been exercising every morning, repairing his relationship with his parents, and overall being more open, honest, and communicative than I've ever seen him. I have always been worried he would self-harm, but I was blindsided by the cheating because that just isn't the man I knew. My therapist has suggested that he was using weed and sex as a coping mechanism (not that that is an excuse). This made sense to me; I've seen the message exchanges and spoken with him and believe the cheating was not an attempt to find romance or another relationship. Even in the long-term Snapchat affair, she seemed to be way more into him than he was into her. This isn't an excuse; it just feels like the truth to me. He has said every day that he wants to and is committed to putting in the work, be a better man, and be the man he was meant to be. He has apologized multiple times for taking me for granted, for trying to leave me in the world as a single parent, for nearly leaving our precious child, for the cheating, etc.

Now, I find myself wondering: do I want to try to reconcile? I still find comfort in being near him, in touching him. He has been my best friend and my person for over half my life. I love him and truly want what's best for him. We both have therapists and will try couples therapy at some point, but I feel like part of me is saying "hmmm....what else is out there? Could I even start over at 40? Would anyone want me?" I don't know that I'm even interested, but I know it's not something I have to answer right now. Remorse can be genuine, but it's not change...where do I go from here?