u/Bluejayy04

I don’t know how else to write this, but I am getting a divorce and a stupidly still kept the location stuff on. He knew that I was still on there and he made no attempt on blocking me or taking me off or anything and recently I had checked and the place that he went to and stayed up for a while was somewhere I I had never been before, so I don’t know who lives there and then they went out to eat and he dropped them off and went back home. I took him off because I had a meltdown and I knew that wasn’t healthy and we are getting a divorce but just at potential of him being on a date I don’t know if he actually was that hurt a lot.

I did this through talk through text so if their errors and what not I’m sorry.

My divorce papers are officially ready to sign and I don’t know how I feel about it. I guess you could say I’m numb. I know we both love each other still.

I don’t know if some context would be better. Just let me know.

A while back, my husband asked me how I could sleep on my side for so long without my shoulder going numb. I told him that my shoulder does go numb eventually, but it takes a lot longer because I’m used to sleeping that way.
He rolled over onto his back and quietly said, “It’s because your Puerto Rican ancestors were slaves.”
It wasn’t part of a joke or a larger conversation. It came completely out of nowhere.
I remember responding with, “What?” but since we were both falling asleep, I decided I’d ask him about it the next day instead of trying to have a conversation half asleep.
The next day, I brought it up, and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. He said he didn’t remember saying it at all.
The comment has stuck with me ever since because I genuinely don’t know what to make of it. Was he trying to be funny? Was it racist? Was it just an incredibly insensitive thing to say?
Am I overreacting for feeling bothered by this, even all this time later?

I (mid-30s F) am in the process of divorcing my husband, (mid-30s M), after nearly two years of trying to save our marriage, and I would like some outside perspective.

When we first got together, I believed we could build a life together. I loved him deeply and saw a future with him. Over time, however, I began noticing patterns that slowly eroded my trust, emotional safety, and sense of connection.

One of the biggest issues throughout our relationship was inconsistency. There were periods where he seemed loving, attentive, and committed, followed by periods where he became distant, dismissive, emotionally unavailable, or defensive. I often felt like I never knew which version of him I was going to get.

Trust became a major issue. At one point, I discovered he had messaged another woman he had known before me to wish her a happy birthday and then deleted the message. What hurt me most wasn’t necessarily the message itself—it was the secrecy and the fact that he didn’t tell me. There were also other situations involving communication with women that left me feeling uncomfortable and unsafe in the relationship.

There was also infidelity in our marriage. That alone created a wound that never fully healed. I tried very hard to work through it. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted our marriage to survive.

I repeatedly communicated what I needed from him. I wanted accountability. I wanted honesty. I wanted him to ask follow-up questions when I shared my feelings. I wanted genuine apologies instead of explanations or defensiveness. I wanted consistency rather than temporary changes after a crisis.

Instead, I often felt unheard. When I brought up concerns, I frequently left conversations feeling confused, invalidated, or like the focus had shifted away from the original issue. Over time, I began questioning my own perceptions and feelings.

We started couples therapy. I went into counseling hoping things could improve. I gave chance after chance because I truly loved him and did not want to walk away from my marriage. There were moments when I saw effort, and those moments gave me hope. But the changes never seemed to last long enough to rebuild the foundation that had been damaged.

As time passed, I noticed how my body responded around him. I didn’t feel relaxed. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel like I could fully exhale. I loved him, but I wasn’t at peace. I found myself shrinking emotionally. I felt more like I was surviving the relationship than thriving in it.

One thing that stands out is that I never wanted perfection. I wanted sincerity, accountability, and growth. I wasn’t asking him to never make mistakes. I was asking him to consistently take responsibility for them and work with me to repair the damage.

Recently, after years of trying, I made the decision to move out and pursue a divorce. He asked for more time. He wanted another chance. Part of me wished things could have been different because I still love him. Walking away from someone you love is incredibly painful.

At the same time, I realized that love by itself was no longer enough. I no longer trusted him. I no longer felt emotionally safe. The wound had started healing, but it was not closed. When I imagined staying, I felt exhausted. When I imagined leaving, I felt heartbroken but relieved.

I have been questioning whether I gave enough chances, whether I expected too much, and whether I am making the right decision. I know no one can fully understand a marriage from a Reddit post, but based on what I’ve described, does this sound like a relationship that was struggling but salvageable, or does it sound like a relationship where the trust and emotional safety had been damaged beyond repair?

I’m open to honest feedback.

I (mid-30s F) am in the process of divorcing my husband, (mid-30s M), after nearly two years of trying to save our marriage, and I would like some outside perspective.

When we first got together, I believed we could build a life together. I loved him deeply and saw a future with him. Over time, however, I began noticing patterns that slowly eroded my trust, emotional safety, and sense of connection.

One of the biggest issues throughout our relationship was inconsistency. There were periods where he seemed loving, attentive, and committed, followed by periods where he became distant, dismissive, emotionally unavailable, or defensive. I often felt like I never knew which version of him I was going to get.

Trust became a major issue. At one point, I discovered he had messaged another woman he had known before me to wish her a happy birthday and then deleted the message. What hurt me most wasn’t necessarily the message itself—it was the secrecy and the fact that he didn’t tell me. There were also other situations involving communication with women that left me feeling uncomfortable and unsafe in the relationship.

There was also infidelity in our marriage. That alone created a wound that never fully healed. I tried very hard to work through it. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted our marriage to survive.

I repeatedly communicated what I needed from him. I wanted accountability. I wanted honesty. I wanted him to ask follow-up questions when I shared my feelings. I wanted genuine apologies instead of explanations or defensiveness. I wanted consistency rather than temporary changes after a crisis.

Instead, I often felt unheard. When I brought up concerns, I frequently left conversations feeling confused, invalidated, or like the focus had shifted away from the original issue. Over time, I began questioning my own perceptions and feelings.

We started couples therapy. I went into counseling hoping things could improve. I gave chance after chance because I truly loved him and did not want to walk away from my marriage. There were moments when I saw effort, and those moments gave me hope. But the changes never seemed to last long enough to rebuild the foundation that had been damaged.

As time passed, I noticed how my body responded around him. I didn’t feel relaxed. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel like I could fully exhale. I loved him, but I wasn’t at peace. I found myself shrinking emotionally. I felt more like I was surviving the relationship than thriving in it.

One thing that stands out is that I never wanted perfection. I wanted sincerity, accountability, and growth. I wasn’t asking him to never make mistakes. I was asking him to consistently take responsibility for them and work with me to repair the damage.

Recently, after years of trying, I made the decision to move out and pursue a divorce. He asked for more time. He wanted another chance. Part of me wished things could have been different because I still love him. Walking away from someone you love is incredibly painful.

At the same time, I realized that love by itself was no longer enough. I no longer trusted him. I no longer felt emotionally safe. The wound had started healing, but it was not closed. When I imagined staying, I felt exhausted. When I imagined leaving, I felt heartbroken but relieved.

I have been questioning whether I gave enough chances, whether I expected too much, and whether I am making the right decision. I know no one can fully understand a marriage from a Reddit post, but based on what I’ve described, does this sound like a relationship that was struggling but salvageable, or does it sound like a relationship where the trust and emotional safety had been damaged beyond repair?

I’m open to honest feedback.

I (mid-30s F) am in the process of divorcing my husband, mid-30s M, after nearly two years of trying to save our marriage, and I would like some outside perspective.

When we first got together, I believed we could build a life together. I loved him deeply and saw a future with him. Over time, however, I began noticing patterns that slowly eroded my trust, emotional safety, and sense of connection.

One of the biggest issues throughout our relationship was inconsistency. There were periods where he seemed loving, attentive, and committed, followed by periods where he became distant, dismissive, emotionally unavailable, or defensive. I often felt like I never knew which version of him I was going to get.

Trust became a major issue. At one point, I discovered he had messaged another woman he had known before me to wish her a happy birthday and then deleted the message. What hurt me most wasn’t necessarily the message itself—it was the secrecy and the fact that he didn’t tell me. There were also other situations involving communication with women that left me feeling uncomfortable and unsafe in the relationship.

There was also infidelity in our marriage. That alone created a wound that never fully healed. I tried very hard to work through it. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to rebuild trust. I wanted our marriage to survive.

I repeatedly communicated what I needed from him. I wanted accountability. I wanted honesty. I wanted him to ask follow-up questions when I shared my feelings. I wanted genuine apologies instead of explanations or defensiveness. I wanted consistency rather than temporary changes after a crisis.

Instead, I often felt unheard. When I brought up concerns, I frequently left conversations feeling confused, invalidated, or like the focus had shifted away from the original issue. Over time, I began questioning my own perceptions and feelings.

We started couples therapy. I went into counseling hoping things could improve. I gave chance after chance because I truly loved him and did not want to walk away from my marriage. There were moments when I saw effort, and those moments gave me hope. But the changes never seemed to last long enough to rebuild the foundation that had been damaged.

As time passed, I noticed how my body responded around him. I didn’t feel relaxed. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel like I could fully exhale. I loved him, but I wasn’t at peace. I found myself shrinking emotionally. I felt more like I was surviving the relationship than thriving in it.

One thing that stands out is that I never wanted perfection. I wanted sincerity, accountability, and growth. I wasn’t asking him to never make mistakes. I was asking him to consistently take responsibility for them and work with me to repair the damage.

Recently, after years of trying, I made the decision to move out and pursue a divorce. He asked for more time. He wanted another chance. Part of me wished things could have been different because I still love him. Walking away from someone you love is incredibly painful.

At the same time, I realized that love by itself was no longer enough. I no longer trusted him. I no longer felt emotionally safe. The wound had started healing, but it was not closed. When I imagined staying, I felt exhausted. When I imagined leaving, I felt heartbroken but relieved.

I have been questioning whether I gave enough chances, whether I expected too much, and whether I am making the right decision. I know no one can fully understand a marriage from a Reddit post, but based on what I’ve described, does this sound like a relationship that was struggling but salvageable, or does it sound like a relationship where the trust and emotional safety had been damaged beyond repair?

I’m open to honest feedback.