u/anonymous_muffin_

Ever since a nasty breakup, I don't trust people and can't stand many of them. The last few years, I've both inadvertently and intentionally steadily decreased the people in my life to the point where 90% of human interaction is with coworkers at work.

I've had an opportunity or two to date. I could join a club and make some friends. But, I have both a fear and disgust for people at this point.

Issue is, the solitude is starting to get to me. Sleep isn't right, I'm getting ill more often, and I generally am a bit shakey mentally. Many of my habits and good diet and even goals have started to fall apart the last month, and I haven't been sure why. I now think it's a low-grade depression.

I've tried therapists many many many times throughout my life. They've cost me a small fortune and have been nothing but torture. The times I've introduced people into my life, they've proved me right and hurt me emotionally, shown they were bad people, or just drifted away.

Is there a way out of this slump without waterboarding myself with human interaction?

Infidelity is just rampantly commonplace in the culture. Media, people, and friendgroups all have it happening one way or another. But I can't get angry about it. I get angry, and it's hatred or discrimination or bigotry. The only people I've seen who aren't affected by it are hyper religious people, and even there, it sometimes happens.

I just want normal people. Friends and partners who text you back. When a friend cheats with a partner, they understand if the person cheated on wants retributive justice. A group of friends where cheating like that doesn't happen. Partners who don't act like flirting with other people or making out with friends is okay. I really thought those were normal things. But I can not find a group of people my age where that's the case, unless they're super religious.

It's all just hand waved as "We're young! We'll have our fun, then get serious when we're older". Between me not getting that and all of the scarring from my first relationship, I think I'm going to end up being one of those hermits who doesn't talk to people.

For the longest time, I thought I wasn't worth love or friendship. But, it turns out I was what a lot of people want in a boyfriend. It's just the way they act, I don't want them as girlfriends. I can be a pretty good friend, but I don't trust anyone enough to do so anymore.

I have this urge to be with people. I don't want to shelter from the world. But, I just don't think I'll ever find people who make sense to me or be okay again myself to be able to find anyone. She broke me, the friend group reinforced it, and now I'm just confused and alone.

I went to see Obsession because I figured it would make me feel better to see that things could go very very wrong in the opposite direction of what happened to me.

First of all, I clocked Ian's shit the second he suggested Bear wait to tell her how he felt. The big reveal from Sarah was basically exactly the same as what happened to me, but imagine 4 Ians and Bear had actually been with Nikki before.

Second, the way they set the plot up made it so that she never loved him. Not even before all of the nonsense. We had all of the signals of possible romance in the beginning only to realize she never loved him. Hits pretty fucking close to home.

Then there's the terror of Nikki seeming like Bear SAd her in the beginning of the wish. For any guys who have been hit on by a woman who didn't take the "not interested" well, this was like a live nightmare.

I went into the movie expecting to see how someone obsessed with someone else could go drastically wrong to help get over the fact someone I was with and over the moon for didn't want me. Instead, I relived some of my most jarring experiences while having new nightmare fuel interjected throughout.

Like I said, fantastic movie. Really well done. Really great piece of horror. Love the director's comedy and he's done a great job in horror. But, if you're like me, hoping to be scared into realizing someone betraying you isn't the worst thing in the world, you're going to be fried from a lot of very real experiences.

The truth is, I put too much faith in being with her. Planned for kids, positioned career around what would best support a family, began building strategy around where we could live and how we could get there.

She was right. After everything she'd done, she ended it with, "I'm sorry. I know you'll never trust again." I was betrayed by her, friends, and family. Every support structure you're supposed to have showed me it was made of wet cardboard. The cruelty of man has made me apathetic to the plight of people.

I don't really know where to go from here. I've always wanted to make a name for myself, but why? When I was young, it was because I was desperate for the validation of the masses. Then, as I got older, it was to be loved by the masses for the benefit I could bring to society. With her, it was to provide a great future for her and a family.

I don't need that validation or that love anymore. Any relationship I have would likely be hollow because I will never be able to fully trust anyone again. I've been shown that friends and family are aesthetics at best. I suppose I could just hedonistically enjoy myself, but to what end? I don't get much joy from anything other than achievement.

I used to care, but after everything, I don't feel much helping others. When I feed a homeless man, it feels the same as punching a formula into Excel. Just another action. Social structures have broken down. The enjoyment I do get is from accomplishing things. But again, to what end? Accomplishing tasks for the sake of accomplishing tasks means nothing if there's no one to share them with.

I have medical problems that keep me in a near perpetual state of pain, I've had to fight my way through all kinds of mental illness through the years, and my family's history suggests I will have a slow, painful death. Why bother? To feel the sun on my face? To smell the smell of sweet grass in the morning? Those are lovely and bring vitality to life. But, continuing on for a handful of good experiences doesn't seem to make much sense.

Reddit always says therapy. It's their favorite thing. I've wasted thousands of dollars and years of my life trying it and gotten nowhere. I made more progress the years I avoided it than the years I tried it.

I don't know what triggered it, but I have been increasingly making all of the typical mistakes lately. Eating garbage for the dopamine hit, sleeping as soon as I get home from work and getting nothing done, going to the gym far less than I used to, scrolling social media, rotting in bed whenever I can, etc. Literally all of the things that make you worse off.

I keep telling myself to stop doing one or the other, but I keep falling back into the pattern to the point where it's becoming habitual. The last 3 or so years I have been consistently avoiding all of these bad habits and making myself better each day. The last month or so, it feels like it's all come crashing down.

When I try to stop, the habits themselves are making it harder to avoid. I've been stressed about the state of the world, which the social media isn't helping with. The bad diet and decrease in gym has made me irritable, which makes me more angry/anxious about everything. Work has felt pointless, even though I like my job, because of the state of the world (it's white collar work, which is where all of the automation and consolidation is going; and with the salary inflating away at an absurd rate, working in general feels pretty pointless). The bad diet and stress are making me exhausted, leading to me rotting away in bed whenever I get the chance.

How do I get back on track when I've managed to break everything I built over 3 years in 1 month?

Too long to get into it, but I've seen bodies, I've smelled bodies, I've watched people die. Nothing heroic or crazy, I just happened to come across it all. It never really affected me. Suicide made me sad for about a week, but in general, it never really phased me.

It's been 3 years since a breakup, and since then, I'm unsure of who I am, don't trust anyone, am constantly anxious, have considered suicide a number of times, and don't really know what to do with my life.

I've had it pretty easy. People have gone through way way way worse than I have. But nearly everyone's been through a breakup. Why is this the thing that messes me up?

I can't stand the talking point about not buying avocado toast or Starbucks every day to get ahead. I think it's an ignorant misunderstanding of the degradation of the purchasing power of labor up until now.

But, damn can people spend. I've got family, coworkers, and friends going on vacations, going to festivals, and buying gifts and meals/drinks for themselves and others.

I thought I was pretty bad because I spend more than I should at the grocery store on good food. But, I make more than the people I know who spend, I don't go on any vacations or really do anything besides cook and eat and go to a cheap gym, and I still barely save anything.

How are people spending all of this money? If it's debt, how can they do that without panicking as they watch themselves drown in credit statements?

I feel like I really don't even want all that much long-term. I spent my entire childhood camping and hunting; often with literally no modern amenities outside of a tent, clothes, sleeping bag, and pocket knife. I can sustain for a while by myself. With a minimal amount of savings, I could sustain myself for an excessive amount of time.

Land to live on, some animals, and (if I'm being honest) a woman. I don't really trust people, but I know after a long period of time I may want to try to find a good woman. I understand the need to buy the land. I can even accept that a septic is necessary for disease prevention instead of some pit. I can afford both with my savings.

That will not get me left alone. Sustaining myself on my own land with a legal septic won't get everyone out of your hair.

Want to build rainwater collection for your drinking water? Do you have a permit (if you're even permitted to)? Is your water basin up to code? Your tent/cabin isn't up to code. You can't legally declare the land your address without a livable structure. Which needs permits and builders and plans and fees. Have you paid your property tax?

Your neighbors reported seeing a fire, so we're here to investigate. You use it for heat and cooking and cleaning? That's going to need a permit. You're cooking food you hunted? On your own land? That's illegal. I see you're growing food in a greenhouse. Hope the pad for that greenhouse has a permit. Oh, you want to sell some of the food you grew so you can pay the property tax and all of the permits and fees? I'm just going to bend you over a table at this point.

Hi, there. We noticed you went dark on social media and tax records and employment about 2 years ago, so we're just stopping by to make sure everything's okay. Though, now that we're here, I see all sorts of zoning and health and safety violations.

I'm not even all that radical or anything. I don't even want to live minimally. I'd like to live in a home with modern amenities. But I'd rather live minimally than have to deal with the permits and billing and scrutiny and monitoring and zoning that comes with modern amenities. I'd rather live in a tent the rest of my days than deal with all of that. And I can't even do that anymore!

My first relationship resulted in a nasty breakup a while back, and the humiliation, self humiliation, anger, stupidity, etc. is all out there. It's just on public messaging boards for the world to see forever. She even could still access any/all of the sexual stuff we messaged each other privately at any time and post/share it wherever.

Looking at it, as painful and humiliating as the whole thing was, I got off fairly easy. If she accused me of something or doxed me or sent something off for my work to see, my life could've been pretty substantially set back.

I know I'm more anxious than most, but I can't imagine I'm the only one in our generation who's got this fear that any person you share yourself with is essentially armed to destroy you these days.

Do I just step away from the 9-5 and become homeless and free? Do I double down on the 9-5 in the hopes of enough savings to break free? Maybe I try to start a company on the side to be free in 10 years when I've built it up. But by then, I'll be too old to fully enjoy the freedom. Oh well, another HR training just dropped.

Can't look at my phone anymore because it's just war, famine, crime, disease, collapse, and corruption on repeat. Can't date anymore because, frankly, it's a nightmare, and I don't have the emotional or financial capital to burn on it. Don't want to make friends because, during a bad breakup where a friend group cheated with her, I lashed out in a very public forum. Taught me I'm better off just avoiding people because they usually end up being shitty and/or I could make a mistake that costs me my career.

My only escapes are nature, food, gym, and alcohol. Alcohol makes me more depressed, so that's not a great avenue. There are, like, 7 or 8 things I can eat where I can trust it's not just processed garbage while still getting me enough protein and nutrients for the day. When I have the time for the gym, I'm usually exhausted from all of the other nonsense and sometimes even end up hurting myself at the gym because of bad form while exhausted. Nature is literally the only free thing available to me, for now.

It just feels like HR, bills, and taxes all have guns pointed at my head while I try to carefully walk a tightrope. Does anyone else relate to this?

She moved on less than a week after the breakup. Pretty sure she cheated on me with him. He also aggressively flirted with her while we were together. She was with him a little longer than we were together.

Really can't help but take this as a big, "Fuck you!" from the universe. Bad things are supposed to happen to bad people. He flirted with and cheated with a taken woman and lied to her partner about it. She lied to me about it and cheated and flirted with other people a ton.

I can't talk to people without fear of betrayal, and my dream of having a happy family and some little kids has been replaced by me wanting to escape from all of these people as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, they're clearly living their best life.

What is so inadequate about me that she decided I wasn't worth the trouble, the guys she cheated on me with didn't think I was a threat, and the friends in the group didn't care enough about being friends with me to not lie about it?

I can have all of the money and power and comfort and peace in the world, but what is it without respect or love?

Sorry in advance for how long this post is. I looked to cut paragraphs, but it didn't feel right removing some of them. Paragraphs 4-6 are me talking about the breakup itself, so you can skip that if you want.

I can't stand how people treat me when they find out I have Aspergers. I worked very hard for many years and went through a lot of bullying to learn how to socialize properly. I've gotten to the point where I can socialize well enough that if people find out I have it, they are either shocked or don't believe me.

I also can't stand when people use Aspergers as a crutch or an excuse. You have to live with the cards you're given.

But, not one person considered I might have a tougher time with a breakup than the average person. A mixture of the social issues, trust issues, and not being much to look at meant I dated for the first time in my early 20s. The doctor that diagnosed me told my parents it would be difficult for me to ever date.

Talk about a trial by fire. The relationship lasted about 3 years, and she put me through basically every stereotypical breakup heartbreak. In the beginning, I had issues believing she actually loved me. It took a while for me to open up. After about a year, we were the couple the friend group was envious of. After about a year and a half, she started becoming a completely different person.

She began flirting with other people. Then she would go on trips with people and not mention it. She started dressing more scantily and drinking more. Then she began going to festivals and raves. By the end of the relationship, she was texting me that her phone had died the night before, telling me they're just friends, and I found out afterward she started making out with men and women in the friend group at parties. No one told me a thing.

She broke up with me, hooked up with me a couple of times, then moved on to a body builder. After it was all done, I slowly learned that she'd made out with and slept with nearly every person in the friend group. Everyone continued to lie to me after it was over, until I slowly uncovered everything myself.

After everything was done, I drank. A lot. There were very few days I wasn't clinging to a bottle. After a year of that, I pivoted the other direction. I hit the gym, got promoted, started a business, and began eating better. I lost 80 lbs in 2 months. I got really into boxing to get my anger and frustration out.

When I was drinking, everyone in my life avoided me (understandably). Then, when I got in the gym and focused on career, everyone went, "Oh, he's all better! Great!" I caved a guy's ribs in at a match. The first time my father saw me in 3 years, he said I looked "sickly" because of the weight loss. I'd still get into random bar fights. But, according to everyone, I was all better. Like putting a new set of batteries in a TV remote.

I'm not lashing out in rage anymore. I'm not starving myself. But I'm definitely not okay. It feels like I was shown the reality of NTs, and they really scare me. There was never a genuine moment. No one feels to feel or associates with someone because they want to. I'm literally scared of women now. I didn't used to be. But, after seeing how badly they can hurt you, the prospect of associating with them terrifies me. Frankly, the prospect of associating with anyone terrifies me now. People can be really cruel and messed up. The cruel ones are often wolves in sheep's clothing, so there's no way to trust any of them.

I don't need anyone babying me. The therapists do that all the time, and I'm done with it and done with them. But I was selectively mute as a kid. When I did eventually speak up, I was bullied and isolated for a decade. When faced with poverty, I had to learn how to network and socialize to keep my job. I was expected not to date in my life. So, when I dated someone, then had to walk through Hellfire at the end of it, I wish everyone in my life had a little more to lend than, "Happens to us all."

Usually I keep to myself. I've got a fairly independent family. But, there have been times I've been under too much strain and had no one to reach out to, so I asked the men in my family what they'd done.

I almost always get something like, "Idk. Figure it out." or, "I don't remember. You'll have to learn like me."

I get that it's helpful in its own way, where I need to learn these lessons myself. But, I'm starting to find out through talking to other guys that this doesn't seem like an average response.

I was always a disappointment to my father and a trophy of her own success for my mother. I was a disappointment to myself over the years, too. How much of that was imposed by my father, and how much was my own disappointment is difficult to say.

Therapists have been useless in addressing it, and frankly, chasing that self-worth has been excellent fuel for a lot of my life. Recently, my father told me he was proud of me for the first time I can remember. It felt like I'd achieved something big. I used that as a motivation to keep going.

I learned recently from a family member that he'd been going to a therapist at the behest of my sister. Apparently, his therapist pushed him to say that even though he didn't really believe it.

After I'd collected myself, I just used that fact as fuel for needing to improve to such a level it doesn't matter what he thinks, because I can look in the mirror and go, "No. I'm objectively not inadequate."

But it feels like I've stumbled this time around. I know exactly what I need to do, but I just sit around in bed, not doing it. The last 4 years straight, I've kept moving towards my goals, but I'm not nearly where I'm aiming to be yet.

I keep kicking myself in the ass to get up and get things done. I'm so close. I've got about 5 goals that can be accomplished in the next 2 to 3 years that would set me up for a happy, successful life. That anger at his judgment drives me to prove him wrong. But, every day I sit in bed proves him right. The fact I can't break the cycle not only proves him right, but subconsciously proves to myself I'm not capable of what I'm after.

I refuse to accept that, but the fact I can't shake this is making it really hard to tell myself I'll accomplish these goals.

I've tried breaking the tasks down to smaller and smaller pieces to the point they are unrecognizable, and it's not doing anything. I've tried stimulants to move my ass. I know I need to go to the gym to get blood flowing for forward momentum; but, it's hard to drag myself to the gym and when I do I don't move enough to drive forward. I even tried unwinding for a handful of days and just allowing myself to relax. It did nothing but waste time.

There's some people in my city from Europe and Latin America visiting for the World Cup. I follow people scattered across the US, and they'll share some videos of tourists here as well.

Many of them are just people. They're excited to be in a new place, they say some nice things about being here, and I buy them a beer or two to welcome them. It's a really nice contrast from what I constantly see online.

My country has problems, makes messes it doesn't need to, and has made some really weird decisions. But it's still my country. I stand by its principles, like a lot of things about it, and tear up a little when I hear our national anthem.

So, hearing something other than a bashing of my countrymen, or how backward the country is, or what a terrible place it is is a really nice reprieve. Having some drinks, watching a ball get kicked around, and talking about each others countries can be fun.

When I was young, I was a nerdy loner who spent more time with computers and electronics and books than I did with people.

It basically stayed that way until I was 20. At 20, I made a small friend group, but they vanished quickly. 22 I made a friend group and had my first relationship. It lasted a couple of years before she cheated on me with the friend group.

After that, I was never really myself again. I don't even tinker on my own like I used to. I just lost the passion after that. I'm just a loner obsessed with making money so I can get as far away from all of the reminders of the past as possible.

As I'm approaching 30, I just sat back and realized I don't have any "coming of age". The closest thing I had was the relationship, but the only thing that changed from that is I'm now unable to trust people and am miserable to be around no matter how hard I try not to be.

Years after the relationship ended, I'm finally starting to have glimpses of happiness. People who pretend to care about me go, "There he is! Back to normal! Good as new!" while muttering under their breath how grateful they are not to have to deal with it anymore. Like I'm a radio that kicks on if you hit it enough.

The reality is, I had a near death experience recently and everything has felt like a haze ever since. I'm learning to touch the grass and soak in the sun again because everything feels so unreal. It's not really growth. If anything, I feel more distant from life.

I never found myself. I don't know who I am. I don't know who my people are. I never found them. Every time I've tried, I end up more confused and sometimes hurt. I'm at the age where people have found themselves, shared themselves with others, and are settling down. I don't even know who I am. I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate.

The last month or so has felt increasingly lucid, like I'm slowly drifting away from this plane. It started with me randomly getting lightheaded, then passing out, and now everything just feels soft.

It's honestly been so so freeing. I have been so incredibly anxious every minute of every day of my life. Being too dazed to care or just not caring because life feels shorter is incredible.

The sun is, just, there. You can go out and enjoy it and no one can stop you. I literally spent half a day just feeling warm in the sunlight the other day. If you spend a week not eating sugar, then eat a French pastry, it feels like you're a kid again. Every time I worry about something I've said at work (absurd corporate HR) the last week, I've just thought, "Well, if they fire me, it's a blessing. More time to actually enjoy life."

I think I'm going to splurge on my first massage. I hate spending money on non essentials, but my back is full of knots, and money feels so fake when time feels so fleeting.

It's pretty funny because I don't know what to do other than just take it all in. Normally, people say to go do wild things in your final hours, but I genuinely love feeling productive. I don't know what I'd do that would feel fun if I just stopped going to work. So, lately, I've been dressing how I want to dress, showing up when I feel like showing up, and just saying what's on my mind while getting the work I enjoy done.

I have a friend who stresses me out with his venting and bizarre activities, and lately, I've just been saying, "I'm good. That sounds awful." when he suggests something that sounds mentally or physically draining. Blissful.

I never had caffeine until a couple of years ago, and I've only had sex with one person that ended 3 years ago. So, I kind of want to have sex while on a ton of caffeine one time while my heart can still take it. Seems like it would be a lot of fun. Maybe rent a fast car and just floor it down through Latin America with the top down? Get a ton of sunshine and fresh air.

Like I said, I don't know what to do. I'm kind of a stiff. I just like to get work done, and normal vacation things sound awful to me. But, I have really been enjoying taking in what life has to offer, and doubt feels so useless these days.

I get if what you've made is slop. If it has errors or hallucinations or is just garbage, you should take that as something to keep doing yourself because AI isn't ready yet.

But in my day-to-day, I'm basically just like, "AI. AI. AI. AI. Oh, AI is garbage at this. There's something I should learn." I basically see it like Google for everything in life. Anything that can't be done/answered by the tool yet is something for me to learn or figure out.

100% get the hatred towards the data centers and creepy data storing and all of the other nonsense. But, the use of AI itself is so bizarre to me. It's the equivalent of seeing someone use a hammer and going, "Man, I'm so sick of these idiots not using rocks. That hammer is going to make you terrible at building houses."

I've lost a ton of friends, family has always been distant, and I've been cutting off the last few people out of my life recently.

My God is life so so so so so much better. Don't have to stress over anyone's bullshit, worry about upsetting anyone, or make time for people. The other day, I spent a whole afternoon that would've been spent dealing with a friend's problems sunbathing, popping light beers, and looking at girls in bikinis. I haven't just enjoyed the sun in nearly a decade. One afternoon felt like a week-long vacation.

It won't all be sunshine and cute girls. I will always have dark days. I still have depressive memories and violent hallucinations. But, at least I can have some good days now that I'm not dealing with everyone else's problems. People are messy and stressful and cruel. Living without them literally feels like a blessing.

Yet, at work, I am desperate for other's approval. If it seems like someone doesn't want to talk to me, I quietly get hurt and walk away like a puppy with its tail between its legs. If someone hasn't hyped up my work enough, I advertise it so the organization can see it. If I haven't done work worthy of hype, I work nonstop until it is.

How can I be so happy to not have people in my life while so desperate for them to want to be around me? Isn't that inherently a contradiction?

I need to become so successful and healthy and good-looking that they all look like fools for treating me the way they have.

I know this sounds like a teenager's tirade, but I don't care. I have been taking insults and humiliation and pulling apart of my ego my entire life. From everyone. Every. One.

I don't care what it takes. I need to have an unbreakable spirit that says I can do it no matter how impossible it is. When I'm knocked down so hard, everyone's certain I'm finished, I need to lick my wounds and get back up.

I need to get to a point people have to ask, "You bullied... Him?" "You broke up with that?" "Crazy you avoided him."

When my bullies try to pretend they were my friends, ex considers her decision a mistake, and parents wish they'd developed an emotional relationship with me. Then, and only then, will I be satisfied.