u/anonymous_muffin_

There's just always a potential problem.

I'll concede that a lot of the problem is I'm spending the majority of my time in corporate. You can not say anything in corporate. Speaking your mind is just not permitted and often reported.

Chat about 4th of July plans? "We're not all American here, so please be aware of other areas." I mentioned a number of inefficiencies and ways we could improve areas of the company. "I noticed the areas you pointed out were all led by women. I didn't want to say anything during the meeting, but I just wanted to let you know I submitted a ticket to HR."

And pray for my soul if I let slip at a happy hour or outside of work that I think someone is cute. I stay 1,000 miles away from any flirtation with coworkers because it is a nightmare, but even accidentally mentioning someone is cute outside of work is a potential problem. I've had even "cool people" go, "Might want to reconsider saying that" if I've slipped up saying someone looks nice outside of work.

Even away from corporate, everything is a minefield. I have an entire crashout on a public chat because I went through a breakup in a friend group where she was cheating with people in the friend group (who had a public chat). That unfiltered version of me, where I was at my most angry and most vulnerable, is just out there in the wild.

Running a business, customer service feels like trying to feed a bear by hand. Sometimes, the bear eats the salmon out of your hand and walks away. Sometimes, you accidentally step on a branch and get mauled to death. I had to file a claim against a customer, and apparently they were telling my insurance provider I was a racist and only filing against them because of their skin color. I had to submit an overabundance of documentation for my own insurance to approve that I did in fact have a valid claim and was just reporting a fact.

Then there's the nightmare of trying to make friends. The number of people that will "expose you" online these days is obscene. It feels just like corporate. I misstep with the wrong person, and I'm no longer able to find a job because employers saw someone claim something about me online.

I don't like mentioning it, because I feel like so many of us use it as a crutch, but I do have Aspergers. Very high functioning Aspergers, which is why I don't like to mention it or use it as some sort of excuse or crutch. But it took a TON of work for me to figure out how to interact with people at a base level. I was functionally mute for a number of years because I just couldn't figure out how to navigate people. Now I figured it out after over a decade of learning, and am much more "passable" as neurotypical, and it feels like I have guns pointed at my head everywhere I go.

Tl;dr: People are just too much. There are too many risks with every person you interact with. You could anger them to violence, they could slander you online, you could be fired from your job, you could be accused of all kinds of things. I really try to interact with people, but at a certain point, it literally feels foolish to do so. You're literally risking yourself with every interaction you have.

I'm sure you've known that guy. Either at work or school or sports or something like that. Shows up half drunk or baked or late or just generally barely knows where they are. Yet, somehow gets the job done.

That used to be me (and kind of still is). Not a good thing, but it's how I function. I happen to be really good at a selective group of niche skills that happen to be profitable for now. But I also hate myself. So, it leads to a lot of self medication, but self-destruction to the point where poverty is so difficult it virtually never happens.

I've finished projects for employers completely plastered, and they've said it's some of the best work they've seen. Coworkers found it cool for some reason. "Woah. How does he show up so strung out?"

Then, when I was dealing with a really bad breakup, suddenly it wasn't cool anymore. The edgy loner that people wanted to party with got too real. Now he's actually sad sometimes. That's not quirky. That's not edgy.

After a couple of years (and a number of career shifts), I opted to just quadruple down on making as much money as I could. The clean-cut guy that exists today is nothing like that of the past because I know it is more marketable.

But, it still hurts knowing that if I returned to actually wrestling with my demons instead of running from them, people wouldn't be there to help. I'd just be some weirdo trapped in his solitude. If I don't talk about it I'm mysterious and edgy. But, if I'm real about it I'm left alone.

After years of manual labor, I damaged a number of discs in my lower back. The ER doctors said I'd need my spine fused around 40.

Been hitting the gym the last 4 years but only recently learned how to focus specifically on form around my core, lower back, glutes, and inner thighs to help my spine stay aligned and prevent damage and lifting with it.

After a recent MRI, they determined that the swelling and strain had gone down enough that I may never need the procedure before I die. Just wanted to celebrate a bit.

I was always the weird, ugly kid, so I wasn't really approached by anyone. Had my fair share of, "Oh! She was flirting with me" moments in hindsight, but it was probably about every 4 or so years.

The last 2 years, I've been approached 3 times. While I know that doesn't sound often, it is a jarring increase from once every 3-4 years or so. My anxiety is starting to go a bit crazy with it.

It's funny because this was all I ever wanted as a kid, but now that I'm grown, it just stresses me out. After a bad breakup, I just want to be left alone.

Some of these women have been persistent, and when they get upset, it makes me nervous they might do something irrational. If they make up an accusation, my job won't deal with the PR, they'll just fire me. I don't have money to defend myself against allegations, so I just get nervous any time a woman responds with, "What do you mean?" or, "Then why were you looking at me?" when I try to politely say no.

It's the most random thing to be excited about. But, for anyone trying to fix fucked shoulders you know you have to just spam all of the muscles in between your scapula.

To go from someone who never exercised to strengthening tiny little niche muscle groups in 3 years feels really good. So, when I randomly had my hand on my back while pulling my shoulders back, I felt noticeable individual muscle fibers in that region and thought, "Oh. I've got actual muscle here now."

I was watching one of the shows from my childhood, Gravity Falls, and it brought back memories from a different time.

My sister and I were extremely similar to the main characters; it was genuinely uncanny. The male main character is similar to one of his gruncles when he was younger (the main character is a child).

In one of the later episodes, we are walked through the gruncle's entire life. He's a genius and almost gets admitted to a fancy school before his brother ruins it, but he works his way into becoming a cool/weird/great scientist.

I remember seeing that as a kid and thinking that it was going to be me someday. His childhood was incredibly similar to mine, why wouldn't his future?

I'm not cool. I'm not a scientist. I'm not even all that smart. I work a boring corporate job and just spend my days feeling like I'm meant for more. In my job, I'm intelligent compared to most of my coworkers, but if you put me anywhere smart people compete, I'd look like a dunce. I'm trying to do something more with my life, but I keep failing.

I went to university to be a scientist, and that didn't pan out because I wasn't intelligent enough. Probably not hard working enough, too. I had a small paper and contributions not worthy of note. I had professors pay for research and courses because they felt I would do great things. People who met me at university would joke that I should remember them when I make it big. I never went to graduate school and just worked in a cube after graduation.

I let down my family. I let down my friends. I let down my teachers. I let down myself. Watching that show gave me a glimpse back into my childhood wonder. When I used to dream of bigger things. Now I'm broken and twisted inside. All I dream of is making money and getting away from everyone. Everyone's hopes that I'd be someone great were dashed by my incompetence and broken spirit. I'm just scared of the cruelty of people and want to be done with it all.

It wasn't until recently that I realized I'd been flirted with about every 3 years or so, and I was just too dense to realize it or engage with it.

But, I am objectively not all that appealing. Not the most attractive, only recently did I get into okay shape (and even at that, it's not great), have trouble keeping friends, have mental/physical health problems, and am generally just socially awkward.

But I hear all the time that women don't flirt with men. So, now I'm confused what that means. What kind of frequency are you all being flirted with? Is every 3 years about right? Is that low? Is that high? Am I misunderstanding what women flirting looks like?

By no means was I poor growing up. I've been poor on my own in adulthood, but I came from a lower middle household.

At my current age, at my current cost of living, I would guess I'm about upper middle now. Most of my peers grew up in illustrious households, had exorbitant allowances, and have the occasional trust fund.

I have been asked so many times why I work so hard all the time, why I don't spend a lot of money, why I have trouble throwing things away instead of fixing or repurposing them. The usual statement is that they get why, but they're just surprised how dedicated I am to it.

It's not really dedication, it's just subconscious at this point. I've experienced not being able to eat in order to pay rent. I've seen what selling your dignity for a paycheck looks like. I know that any minute could mean the streets. It just feels weird to not work and save and hoard when I've experienced losing all income overnight before.

As I said, I'm not some rags-to-riches story; I've just experienced poverty. But, most lower middle class kids have at least one or two poor family members. So, there's the added knowledge of the cold reality of the world. When coworkers/peers/friends ask why I work so hard, there's that subconscious thought of, "I have family members that would likely beat you with a hammer for your childhood allowance."

Idk, maybe it's a me thing. Has anyone else moved into a different socioeconomic circle and noticed that there's this seemingly foreign drive to make it at all costs?

I'd ask on a sub for asking women, but their rules are too complicated.

Girl from high school just admitted over Instagram that she was super into me all those years ago.

As a guy who was told he was unloveable constantly until about age 21, knowing that could've drastically changed the trajectory of my life.

She was one of the attractive, popular girls and I was the fat weird loser of the school. She said that because I was always building things and off on my own, I gave that mysterious loner vibe and that she wasn't the only one interested in me.

I have spent my whole life being told I wasn't one for love to the point I accepted it. After college, I met my gf, and she ended up cheating on me a bunch and telling me I was unattractive to her, confirming my ingrained belief that I couldn't be loved.

If I had known there were multiple attractive girls interested in me in high school, that could've changed a lot of things really fast. I could've been dumped earlier in life, teaching me the lesson when it was easier to recover. I could've learned to treat myself a bit better because if they felt I was worth love, maybe I was worthy of it.

Why do women do that? I've heard of the meme, but this is the second time I've been told years later that someone was into me. And all I'm able to do is regret not doing anything about it.

I have felt, in detail, myself tortured and killed countless times. So many vivid nightmares, so many violent hallucinations. It's to the point where, when I die, it'll likely be more of a, "So I was right. That's what that feels like."

I had the unfortunate experience of discovering a body that had been shot in the head at one point in college and a former profession involved seeing a lot of fresh corpses. After a while, between reality and nightmares, the smells and sounds and feelings don't really affect me anymore.

Death has become more of a spectacle than anything for me. I witnessed a family member passing, and as messed up as it is to say, the most I felt was, "Huh. They took that last gasp kind of funny."

Today, I watched a duck slowly crushed to death. Some jerk had his music too loud and screeched to a stop at a red, but he nicked the poor thing. He pulled forward up to the crosswalk, and I had to watch and listen to a duck squawk in agony and listen to its bones crush. I haven't been able to eat all day. That poor little duck really messed me up.

I have heard human bones crush before. I've heard people scream in pain. Both in reality and in my nightmares. Why is it this little duck suffering to death made me queasy, where human suffering is more of a, "That's unfortunate. I hope that doesn't happen to me"? Am I messed up in the head or something?

I had the first really good day I've had in over a year. Felt good and sociable chatting with coworkers, hit a project I've been working on for months way out of the park, literally danced in my office to some high energy beats while I wrapped up the last few items, then went home and drank some Bapple while watching Gravity Falls. Finished a handful of things I'd been meaning to do for weeks, then cozied up for the night.

Looking at the day and what's made me miserable most of my life, it made me pretty pissed off at myself. I'm constantly pitying myself and bemoaning my situation. I've had chronic pain the last 4 or so years from manual labor when I was broke, vividly violent hallucinations most of my life, had a number of people in my life kill themselves, been bullied by every person in my life you can imagine, and was humiliated and discarded by the one person I love.

That is NOTHING. A few months ago, I went to a networking event to meet potential suppliers for a business I run on the side and was interested to hear some of their stories. There are people who escaped war zones with literally nothing, worked to save money, then bought or built their business to what it is today. I met a vet who literally didn't have an arm and had lost friends. I met a guy who hadn't slept in days because he had back to back flights for events just like the one I was at. Come to find out, he may lose his house if the business goes under.

Idk. Something about a good day really put into perspective how pathetic what I consider a bad day is. On good days, life is on easy mode. Most of what I accomplish at work and business is pretty straightforward for me. I "do a little kick flip" and I get applause. On bad days, the worst that happens to me is shivering in my own vomit, scared of things that aren't there after I find out someone I know killed themselves. I'm not in danger. There's nothing insurmountable. It's just me. I'm the problem in those situations. I'm my own source of misery, then I pity myself and moan about my situation.

Something about being in an okay headspace for once made me disgusted at who I am the rest of the time. I need to learn to force a little perspective as that comes up.

I have so many things I want to get done in such a short period of time. I only have a handful of years left before I'm 30 and I aim to have purchased and cultivated land, I have 2 more businesses I aim to start and have hired labor for by then, and I want to have at least started a backpacking trip from Western Europe to Eastern Asia. Please don't ask why I need to get all of this done before 30; it's to do with arrangements I made with myself.

I spent the years after a bad breakup on a weird mess of alcoholism, picking stupid fights, failed therapist after failed therapist, and generally bad life decisions. All of that for years. Looking at everything I need to accomplish in such a short time period, I'm planning it out and realizing how much can change in a short time and how precious that makes each year.

If I hadn't wasted that time and money drinking or paying medical bills or throwing it at therapists that didn't help, I could have started one of the businesses or gone on that trip. That would save me an entire year of planning.

The worst part is that I STILL haven't moved on. I don't want anyone in my life, but I still get wildly lonely and melancholic. I've cut down on the drinking immensely, but nights I spiral around what I could've done wrong, memories of her, if she ever even loved me, and humiliation at the end I find myself reaching for the bottle.

I've been trying to register one of the businesses for a month now because every second I'm not at work or the gym, I begin to spiral. Even if I managed to save enough and take that trip, I wouldn't be able to just experience it. I'd have that broken smile of a man empty for something. No one wants to be around that. No one wants to hang with the foreign guy who seems incomplete. I'm not even myself still, so I'd be experiencing the world for the first time as some husk of a man I don't recognize.

I need to move on from this. She moved on instantly and spends no seconds thinking about me. Years are so precious. Far too precious for me to be wasting them moping on some memories of the past. I have so much I need to accomplish before time's up. I need to forget so I can move forward with the time I have left. I don't know why I'm so incompetent at that.

Had an older coworker tell me it's not good if I'm not enjoying my youth and suggested I travel. They own two properties.

I have a decent job that I am working incredibly hard to move up in. I have a business I'm building in what free time I have. The income for both of them, even with a promotion at the end of the year and decent growth in revenue, might get me a down payment on an okay house in 5-10 years. I'm one of the lucky ones.

I don't know how to get this through older generations' heads. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. FREE TIME. Those who have free time have accepted that they will never stop working in the future or are unaware how dire their situation is (or have generational money).

Anyone below 35 is fucked. Working yourself to death gives you the opportunity of maybe being lucky enough to own a shed before you're in your 40s. Once you do, you're trying to afford property tax, insurance, food, medical, and utilities until you can save enough for dividends and compounding to do their thing. Meaning, if you work incredibly hard your entire life and are lucky, you might have something close to retirement by the time you're 50+.

I try my best not to just bemoan my generation's situation. There have been generations with shittier situations. But I cannot stand this cross-eyed, "Why don't you do anything fun with your free time?" As though they're unaware the notion of owning literally anything is a foreign concept.

I meal prep my morning meals to be optimal for supplement intake while still extremely high in protein. I also eat lean meat and fish for nearly all of my meals. I have cut out sugar altogether and only eat carbs before workouts with fiber to prevent glucose spikes. I have been working out 4 times per week for 3 years and have to plan my routines and everything else to perfection because my body is like the McDonald's ice cream machine (broken all the time).

I have a solidly mid physique on a good day. Most days, I'm not even mid.

I do not take vacations, I eat out once every 2-3 months, I don't have any streaming subscriptions, I'm in the cheapest rent possible without it being literally dangerous, and I work absurdly hard at my work and business. I am a hair above the average amount of savings in the US.

My chores are an absolute dumpster fire because I'm either burnt out or too busy from everything else. So my cleanliness is below mid.

I use face wash, face cleanser, and facial moisturizer each morning. I trim myself meticulously and have a hair routine. I am obsessive about my hygiene. I'm putting in more effort than any other guy I know. I look and smell mid (not that I smell bad, I just have met guys that smell good, and I can't seem to achieve that).

I am working so incredibly hard to obtain all of these goals I have for myself, and I look at where I am with my current level of effort and feel worn and hopeless. It just takes so so much work to be above average it is absurd. I know that's the point, and the harder it is, the more I'm securing my life because there are less people willing to do those hard things. But it feels like I am working harder than average. Though I guess I'm not, because I'm at or below average.