r/AskMenAdvice

I often hear single people (women) say, “I just want to meet someone (a man) in person.“ But then, no one I know ever does. As a woman, I could tell you where to go to meet women.. because everywhere I like to go…is full of women. Lol

I’ve heard people say run clubs, or Home Depot, etc. But just curious where you spend a lot of time as a man, that has a lot of other dudes where you would be open to actually meeting someone.

and bonus points if you have an actual example of where you’ve met someone.

Just wondering if many guys would date a girl if she had sh scars or immediately be unnatracted? Scared for my future.

It is a painful situation to be in. I've certainly put myself out there since I was in college. But with each growing year I remained inexperienced, the more hurt I felt and also ashamed especially as I reached my mid 30s.

I try to keep focused on my hobbies, interests and ambitions. But in the last few months I've wondered whether to permanently shelve trying - on several occasions I've stepped back temporarily from trying as I was told "it might happen when I least expect it,"

But I also was told by a few of my girl friends that some women would have serious concerns + see it as a big red flags flying if they found out about my inexperienced if the conversation arise and they asked.

It's difficult - I'd like to find love but it's painful to look for it and find nothing. The feeling of being unloved hurts but also the years of trying and being rejected every time. I feel so conflicted, so hurt and alone.

I (24 F) just started dating bc well I was fat all my life and lost a ton of weight this last year and this month I ripped the bandaid off. It’s been fun. Weird, awkward, a little concerning a times too, but mostly fun.

I have a couple guys who well it seems could get more serious. We all have the same intentions of dating for a long term relationship. However I’m not sure how to handle the conversation of well everything being my first. I don’t want to scare them off by basically saying “hey yeah I’ve never done anything before, sooo want to date?” But I also don’t want to lead them on if people usually have sex by a certain time and I’m just holding off until it gets more serious. I am very enthusiastic about gaining experience but just don’t know how long it would take for me to get there.

This feels so silly but truly I’m kind of in this blind and all my friends are girls who’ve been having sex since they were in highschool or college so they all have just shrugged at my problems in this field lol.

Any advice welcome - thank you

Like I don't know how to put this, but is not knowing what I like with a women a bad thing?

When my friends asked some time ago, my answer is " I don't know " and then they say that's not a real answer, but what I don't think they understand is, even I don't know the answer myself.

A part of me feels weird about this, as its the first thing people ask me since I decided to enter the dating scene this year but I don't know.

All I know is what i don't like

I think one of the biggest relationship killers is when one person slowly becomes the other person’s emotional regulation system.

For me it’s been relationships where she’s always complaining about something and I’m always listening, reassuring her, helping her process it, making her feel better… and then a few days later, same thing all over again.

Honestly many women eat that shit up.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with listening to your partner. That’s literally the most important part of a relationship.

The problem is when that becomes the ENTIRE fucking relationship.

At first it can actually feel good. You love this person and want to help them so hell yeah girl, bring it on!

Especially if you’re naturally really good at understanding people, you become the person she comes to with everything.

But eventually you might find yourself in a one way street.

You know everything about her internal world and she knows so little about yours.

You try to open up to her with struggles but that turns her off entirely and you can see the repulsion in her eyes and body so you laugh it off and shut that shit down.

Anf then it gets to be too much and you end things. Or you pull back emotionally and she ends things because ‘the connection isn’t there anymore’

I think most relationships don’t end when the person suddenly stops caring. They just got burned the fuck out and had no more battery life in them to give!

How do you navigate being there for your gf without getting depleted and starting a pattern of her relying on you to be her emotional regulation system?

I just got into a relationship with an amazing girl about a month ago and I already feel I’m in love with her. She’s kind, thoughtful, beautiful, fun, etc. I really have no complaints about her or the relationship.

The one part that’s hard is that I feel like a loser when I really think about it. She works a blue collar job, is nonchalant, handy, likes country music, drives a beat up car, likes big trucks, drinks beer, and all her clothes are stained with grout or some other material from work. She’s honestly probably stronger than me too lol.

I’m a somewhat skinny, white collar, nerdy guy who drives a little sedan, watches anime, and doesn’t do much. I like computers and gaming. I’m not handy (although I’m trying to learn how to be), I don’t drink unless I’m with her, and to top it all off, I’m an anxious over-thinker if you couldn’t already tell.

How can I feel like I’m the “man” when it comes to the relationship? Not in a toxic or dominant way, but in a way where I feel like I’m contributing to the relationship like a man would? Am I a being too wimpy or a pushover if I’m always rubbing her back at the end of the day, or folding all her clothes after washing them? I want to love and care for her without feeling embarrassed about not being a macho type guy.

Any advice?

I genuinely have no idea what to think or if I am being delusional right now.

I, F23, have a crush on my M27 coworker. I've only been around for a year and a half. It's a small office, under 15 people work there. I'm also the only woman. He and I are the youngest as well. The rest of our colleagues are 30+. There aren't any explicit rules when it comes to dating other than using common sense and being reasonable.

I know for a fact he is single. He and I have a good relationship, but he treats me differently in comparison to the others. With everyone else, he seems more inclined to crack jokes and talk about life outside of work. With me, he seems to quiet down and doesn't give that same humorous energy. He still might lightly tease me about something and will greet me with a nickname. He's way more casual in our messages on Teams like he swears or has super laid back texting and teases me sometimes there as well. The most notable thing about our interactions to me is that for work tasks, he always gives me way more information than necessary and checks in on me and praises me even if I literally did nothing or messed something up. He doesn’t do this for anyone else to my knowledge and always follows through on things related to helping me out even if he's busy.

We don't really get a lot of time together in person, but lately, we have been spending more time together on deployments. He would hold doors open for me (big whoop I know but I haven't really had guys hold doors open for me much so it feels nice) and we would walk close together. He joked with me more than he usually would after we spent some time together during a couple stops at a location. We held actual conversations about non work related things, whereas before, it was pretty much just work talk. I am quite shy and quiet in general, but around him, it is hard to be as outgoing as I am around the other guys. I actually was supposed to go to a site but overslept and he was chill with being sent out in my stead and when I was apologizing about it he said he was worried about me but diverted the conversation back to explaining a task to me as soon as someone else came around. I think he was getting teased about me, and I may or may not have been teased about him as well from other coworkers. (Ex; I walk past him as he's talking with another colleague who, after dead silence when I enter the room, goes "you should blame (my name), she broke it" and he will go "huh... maybe..."). And of course, the mirrored body language and playing eye tag is present.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. I haven't really had many solid crushes before. I've had a boyfriend of 6 years, but we broke up about 2 years ago, so my experience is limited. Especially when it comes to like, navigating a crush.

I also feel a little discouraged. I've been trying to get more courage to show that I am receptive if the feeling is mutual. I've been greeting him more and have been messaging him more and have been getting more comfortable with speaking to him and stuff. Today he seemed off, maybe he just had a bad day or it's nothing deep at all.. but his interactions with me felt more flat than usual, and it felt like he might've been dodging me when we both left the office.

I feel lost and would appreciate some input from men instead of my girlfriends who seem to be hyping it up too much. ):

---

Edit: I know the only way I can be sure of how he feels is to communicate directly with him. I am aware that there's no way to positively identify how he feels without hearing his actual input. I should've written this when I wasn't as emotionally charged lol. I guess what I'm looking for in terms of "advice" is help in discerning whether or not he's just simply tolerating me or if there's signs of him being interested.

Men of Reddit, I have recently ended things with a guy (33yo- me 33yo) I’ve been dating for a month due to a very specific issue.

This guy was great in general, dates, dinners etc but he was drinking everyday at least 5-6 beers and when it came to the bedroom he could sometimes perform and finish multiple times but sometimes he couldn’t at all and was giving me excuses about it.

I have tried to discuss it with him like adults but it ended with him telling me it’s the heat and it happens sometimes which resulted in him eventually calling the whole thing off under false pretence to hide that he felt bad.

The thing is: a) it’s not even that hot and b) out of the 6 times we got together the 3 he couldn’t finish and was not hard enough.

Can you give me your men knowledge on whether or not he had an actual drinking problem and if the situation sounds like it affected his sexual performance?

I’m in my early 20s and I’ve recently started talking to a guy in his late 20s. He’s pretty introverted, and we’ve only really had one proper conversation so far, but it went well and I’d like to get to know him more. He seems interesting and I’d like to build some kind of connection with him, even if not romantic.

The problem is I have no idea how to start another conversation without it feeling random or forced, or what to talk about once I do. I’m also a little conscious of the age gap (almost a decade), because I’m not sure how much we’ll naturally have in common or whether the difference in life stages will make conversation harder.

Not necessarily looking for flirting tips although I definitely wouldn’t complain about those loll. I mainly want advice on how to actually engage him and build some kind of connection over text, especially if he’s naturally quieter/introverted.

For introverted guys in particular, what kinds of messages or conversations actually make you want to keep talking to someone?

I’m interested to know about hobbies others do.

24f and I am still in college, still working a retail job, and still not 100 percent sure what I want to do in the future. I haven’t really dated for the past couple of years because I’ve just been trying to focus on school, and personal life things. I’m kind of scared to try dating again because I feel like I’m “behind” a lot of people in my age range or older. Maybe it’s just an insecurity of mine, but I have this feeling of not being “good enough” to date right now, or feeling like I’m not “ready” yet because I still haven’t really stepped into a career yet. Do you think me still establishing myself is a barrier to dating?

I (M 34) have been with my girlfriend (F 35) for about 1.5 years. Overall very happy and loving relationship. I'll say up front I have some internal struggles with anxiety and trust at times due to getting cheated on and pretty fucked over by my last ex. So I value trust and mutual respect in a relationship very highly.

Earlier in the year we had a discussion on boundaries as she was going on a bachelorette trip to Vegas. One of these included that I wouldn't be okay with her dancing with guys in a nightclub, and she was fine with that. And to be clear, anything I would ask of her I would also hold myself to the same standard, so I wouldn't dance with any women in a club either.

Recently we were attending a friend's wedding. Getting towards the end of the night we'd both had a few drinks and were out on the dance floor having a good time. We were dancing together and then at one point, she accidentally backed into a guy that she's known for a few years (he's married, not a close friend of hers, but not a stranger either). She took a quick glance to see who it was, and then kind of kept dancing and backing into him further. Then she proceeded to bend over pretty far and basically twerk / grind on him for maybe 10 sec (hard to say). Then just came back and started dancing with me again like nothing had happened.

I was pretty shocked and got pissed off right away so I left the dance floor. We've had several discussions about it since then and she knows how upset I am. She has said she didn't mean anything by it, it wasn't intentional, she feels like she doesn't even really know why she did it, and she doesn't even really remember exactly what she did, but at the time she thought what she was doing was harmless. She has since taken accountability for it and not really tried to otherwise defend it. But I can't help but lose all trust in her. Maybe that's extreme on my part. To me it comes across as she can't control her behaviors if she can do something like that, especially 5 ft in front of me, for apparently no reason at all. While thinking it's harmless. And if she'll do that in front of me, what will she do if I'm not around?

Part of me thinks this is a big deal, part of me thinks I'm overreacting, and I would like a sanity check from you all.

I'm 29 and a half and I've only ever had one proper relationship. It lasted about 4 months, but I was genuinely on the verge of falling in love with her. We got on really well and were very compatible, but she didn't want kids and I do, so unfortunately that was a dealbreaker.

I am not inexperienced with women. I have slept with 20+ women. I've had one night stands, FWB, slept with attractive women, older women etc. I was honestly a bit of a whore in my early 20s. But most of that was very transactional and I never really learned how to build a romantic connection with someone. I grew up with two brothers, dad and my mum, and didn't have my first relationship until 25, so I don't think I ever really learned how to be romantic/flirty. I learned how to sleep with women before I learned how to actually date them. That being said, all those sexual encounrters bar 1 were from dating apps. I have only picked up one women from a bar in my life.

Looks-wise I'm probably reasonably attractive. I'm 177cm, pretty built and well above average in terms of physique/aesthetics. I'm around 20% body fat at the moment though and probably need to lose 7-8kg before I'd feel completely confident in how I look.

I'm probably an introverted extrovert. On dates I tend to just talk to the woman normally, get to know her and see if we get along. If there's a vibe, I'll gradually become more flirty. That's how it happened with my ex and it felt very natural.

But I recently went to a matchmaking/speed dating event with one of my mates and it made me question whether I'm doing something wrong. He's extremely extroverted and naturally flirty. He'll just walk up to women and start chatting to them, and his first dates usually last hours. One girl mentioned that Kinder Bueno was her favourite chocolate, so during their date he randomly took her to 7-Eleven and bought her one. He's just really good at creating that romantic/sexual vibe. At the event, I had one date that was basically platonic. That being said, he does not do well on dating apps, and hardly uses them. Another I thought went pretty well — we were flirting a bit and there was some touching — but afterwards she didn't even accept my Instagram request.

I also went on a Hinge date with a Peruvian girl recently. The first half hour was pretty platonic and I wasn't massively attracted to her, but eventually we started getting more playful and she actually asked me out again. We went to an art gallery the next day. I was pretty nervous because I hadn't been on a date in over a year, and after about half an hour I started trying to get a bit closer and more physical. She kept pulling away and eventually ended the date after about an hour, saying she didn't feel anything. I'm starting to wonder if I need to actually learn how to flirt and create attraction rather than just hoping it happens naturally.

I've also moved from NZ (Auckland) to Australia (Melbourne) about 18 months ago, so I don't really have the same social circle I had back home. One of my mates started salsa dancing and met a couple of women through it, which makes me think maybe I need to get out and actually meet more people. Although I have absolutely no desire to dance salsa.

Do I need to change the way I date and become more flirty/proactive, or am I overthinking this and just need to meet more women and let things happen naturally? It is starting to get me down as I swear all of my mates are in relationships and have had a few lasting a year or more, not 4 months. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but damn as I get older it is really hard to not let affect me.

I don't want to become some fake pickup artist. I genuinely want a proper relationship. I just feel like I've had plenty of sexual experience but almost no romantic experience, and I'm not sure how much of a disadvantage that actually is.

I’m 23, and I’ve recently started thinking about my childhood differently.
My dad struggled with alcoholism while I was growing up and became sober when I was around 18. I’m happy that he was able to get sober, but I’m realizing now that I didn’t really have the experience of growing up with a consistently available father.
When I was younger, I didn’t think much about it because it was normal to me. Now that I’m older, I’ve noticed that I struggle with confidence, relationships, fitting in with other men, and knowing what being a good man means to me. I also tend to overthink social situations and look for reassurance from other people.
I’m not trying to blame my dad or say that everything I struggle with comes from my childhood. I’m just wondering if other dads have any perspective on what someone might miss when they grow up without a consistently present father figure.
Is it possible to learn those things later in life?

I was seeing this guy casually and I dont't think he was physically attracted to me, but I always felt he was sexually attracted to me and enjoyed coming over, but now I'm not so sure if he was ONLY sexually attracted cuz he was horny and he would't have been if he wasn't in the mood. Kinda don't wanna hookup with someone that would be okay doing stuff with me with even a paper bag on my head lmao

My partner is 29F and has diagnosed, medicated ADHD. I know ADHD can involve emotional dysregulation, but I'm not trying to diagnose her behaviour or blame everything on ADHD.

I'm posting here because I want advice from other men about how you handle this without becoming completely emotionally depleted yourself.

When my partner perceives rejection, disinterest, or a lack of care from me, the reaction isn't mild.

It can be extreme.

She can go from seemingly okay to completely emotionally overwhelmed very quickly. She'll withdraw, go straight to bed, shut down, curl up and cry or sob for hours.

And when I say hours, I mean literally hours.

Not ten minutes. Not half an hour.

Whole evenings can disappear into this.

The part that has worn me down is that the triggers can be things I genuinely would never predict would be experienced as rejection.

Once we were at the shops and she was talking to me about women's shoes. I said something roughly like:

"I don't really know much about women's shoes."

That was it.

She interpreted it as me not being interested in what she was saying.

Her mood completely collapsed. We had to leave the shops, go home, and she went straight to bed, shut down and cried for hours.

I remember sitting there thinking: how did we get from a completely ordinary conversation about shoes to this?

Another time I had a sore stomach and simply wasn't enthusiastic about going to get food.

I wasn't angry with her. I wasn't rejecting her. I physically felt unwell.

But my lack of enthusiasm was interpreted emotionally, and suddenly we were back in the same cycle again: upset, withdrawal, crying, reassurance, explaining and apologising.

Another time she was staying at my house.

We were in bed and I was absolutely exhausted, scrolling on my phone. She showed me a TikTok about getting married in Italy and I responded pretty flatly with something like:

"Yeah, that's cool."

That was genuinely all it was. I was tired.

But she interpreted the lack of enthusiasm as me not caring about marriage, not caring about our future, or not wanting that future with her.

And then it happened again.

She shut down.

She cried.

She sobbed.

And suddenly I wasn't allowed to just be tired anymore.

I had to spend the night trying to convince her that my exhaustion wasn't rejection.

This pattern has happened with words I've used, my tone, my facial expression, being quiet, being tired, being distracted, being on my phone, not sounding enthusiastic enough, or simply not responding in exactly the way she hoped I would.

Once she reaches that state, it feels like she completely disappears into the emotion.

She can sob uncontrollably, tell me I don't understand her, say I sound uncaring, tell me I'm a bad partner, question whether I really care about her, question the relationship, or say she wants to end it.

And then it keeps going.

Hour after hour.

I sit beside her.

I hug her.

I hold her.

I apologise.

I explain what I actually meant.

I tell her I'm sorry that she was hurt.

I reassure her that I love her.

I tell her I'm not rejecting her.

I explain the same thing again and again in slightly different ways, hoping that this time something will finally get through.

But once she's in that state, it often feels like nothing gets through.

She can reject the reassurance and tell me I still don't understand, but at the same time if I try to step away because I'm emotionally exhausted, that can make her even more upset.

So I end up feeling trapped.

I can't fix it, but I also don't feel like I'm allowed to stop trying to fix it.

I'm someone who almost never cries. I'm pretty emotionally reserved and usually hold things together.

But there have been episodes where, after sitting there for hours comforting her, apologising, explaining myself and trying to calm everything down, I've eventually broken down and started sobbing myself from sheer exhaustion.

Not because of the original disagreement.

Because I was completely spent.

One of the worst examples happened while we were on holiday together.

We were on a cruise, out at sea, far away from home.

I was feeling tired and a bit off one day, so I naturally wasn't being as affectionate or energetic as usual.

That was interpreted as rejection.

And suddenly, while we're supposed to be enjoying a holiday together, I'm dealing with another major emotional collapse.

She was crying and shutting down, and I was once again spending hours trying to comfort her and convince her that me being tired didn't mean I didn't love her.

That one really affected me because we were stuck on a ship far from home. I couldn't just go for a drive or get some space.

I remember feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and honestly scared by how emotionally intense everything had become.

After enough episodes like this, I've noticed myself changing.

I constantly monitor myself:

"Did I sound enthusiastic enough?"

"Was my facial expression wrong?"

"Could she interpret that sentence as rejection?"

"Should I explain that I'm tired before she thinks it's about her?"

"Should I pretend to be more enthusiastic than I actually feel?"

"Can I tell her I'm upset, or will that trigger another shutdown?"

"If this starts again, am I about to lose the next three hours of my night?"

That's what walking on eggshells has started to mean for me.

It's not just being considerate of someone's feelings.

It's knowing that a completely ordinary sentence, tired facial expression, flat tone or moment of low energy might turn into hours of sobbing, shutdown, relationship questioning and reassurance.

And after enough of those experiences, I feel like I'm constantly scanning ahead trying to prevent the next one.

I love her, and I don't want to become cold or dismissive when she's genuinely distressed.

But I also don't know how sustainable it is for one person's emotional reaction to repeatedly require hours of emotional labour from the other person.

I don't want to become responsible for preventing every possible feeling of rejection.

And I don't want every moment where I'm tired, quiet, distracted, sick, or simply not enthusiastic enough to become something I then have to emotionally repair for hours.

For other men who have been in a relationship with this kind of dynamic, how did you handle it?

How do you comfort your partner without getting pulled into hours of apologising and reassurance?

At what point is it reasonable to say, "I've explained what I meant, I love you, but I need to step away now"?

And most importantly, how do you stop yourself from becoming hypervigilant and constantly editing your own behaviour just to prevent the next emotional collapse?

Needing some feedback because I am conflicted.

My boyfriend and I have been together two years and have a great relationship, friendship, and sex life. He truly is my best friend and he is a great partner.

I recently found out that he will masturbate to porn some mornings and then head off to work. He says that he is horny in the mornings and I get to work earlier than he does. He also says that he values his “personal alone time” with himself.

He lied to me about it and said it was because he felt ashamed. I’m trying to understand his point of view.

I used to be against porn, but if it never created an issue in our relationship until I found out about it then why does it make me so anxious and upset?

Also, the reality is most men watch porn… so I don’t think breaking up is the answer and I don’t want to break up. He’s my best friend.

How do I not be anxious and work through this? Any advice? Is this porn use truly an issue?

Thanks

There’s one case that has caught my attention recently involving people in my social circle.

My friend, M (27), is currently going through a difficult phase in his relationship because he and his girlfriend, F (26), have different views on what married life should look like.

My friend is planning to propose to her early next year, but before doing so, he obviously wants to know what their life after marriage would look like, including how they would divide responsibilities within the marriage.

They’ve been dating for three years but have never lived together, as living together before marriage isn’t common where we come from. So they haven’t really had the chance to see what each other is like when it comes to actually running a household.

One of the few things they had already discussed and agreed on was that they both wanted to remain childfree, at least until they were in their 40s.

However, their relationship has recently become strained, and my friend has started having doubts because they’ve realized that they have very different expectations about married life.

Where we come from, society is fairly conservative. Traditionally, in most marriages, the man is expected to be financially responsible for the family, while the woman is expected to take care of household responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, keeping the house tidy, etc.
When they finally discussed this, they ran into a pretty classic disagreement. His girlfriend said that she didn’t want household chores to be solely her responsibility. My friend then asked, “But isn’t that traditionally considered your responsibility, just as providing for you financially is considered mine?”

She replied that she still expected her husband to provide for her financially 100%, even if they didn’t have children, because she considers that the husband’s responsibility according to the customs and expectations where we come from.

That was when my friend became really disappointed. It wasn’t because he had a problem with being the provider. Rather, he felt that his girlfriend expected him to fulfill the traditional responsibilities placed on a husband while rejecting the traditional responsibilities placed on a wife.

He felt that this was unfair and somewhat selfish.

My question isn’t about who is right or wrong. I’m curious about what you would do if you were in my friend’s position.

What advice would you give him? Would you still go ahead with the plan to get married and try to work through these view differences, or would you consider this a fundamental incompatibility and end a three-year relationship?

I (F40) have been with husband (M47) for 20 years.

We have had ups and downs like anyone. 3 kids, mortgage, our own business. Very normal run of the mill couple. For everyone here, there are no MAJOR hurdles to overcome (infidelity, addiction issues, financially fine, etc).

I am ABSOLUTELY owning my side of the street here. We want to stay together and we know our marriage could be better. It is fine, better than functional but not the best it could be. We want to be more than roommates, we want to make this work and thrive. I have spent the past 6 months improving myself, doing the hard work. I am in no way perfect but I wouldn't recognize myself from 1 year ago and it has bled over to him in the best way. So, I very much take my share of the blame for how he feels about himself. A shell of his former self, emasculated, less than, was scared to share with me (I had rage problems, been in therapy and Rageaholics Anonymous). He knows how he didn't help himself in any of those categories either, it is a vicious cycle we are trying to break every day and doing a great job. Growth only happens in the light.

For the past few months it has just been about gaining back trust to just be a safe place, the boring but important steady person without starting fights, be warm. Now, I am ready for the next step. I have proven by actions not words that I am changing, receptive to constructive criticism and want a better relationship.

For those that have made it here to the end, especially those in long relationships. How can a woman breathe life back into a man? How can I bring color back to life? How can I support him to be the best he wants to be?

I hope this all makes sense. Thank you everyone!

Edit: My responses are not showing up for some reason. let me clarify a few things. 1. We are in couples counseling. I just wanted to expand beyond one persons advice and knowledge. especially from people who have been through similar situations. 2. I am under no grand disillusionment that 6 months and all should be good. I understand slow and steady is the name of the game. It is his timeline to heal, I am not rushing it or being impatient with him on that. I posted here so instead of putting the work on him to answer, I thought I would get advice from this subreddit. 3. I am very much ok with being told by this subreddit that I am an abuser that needs a ton of help. But if you are going to respond, please try to be constructive with your criticism, I came on here to get advice and I want to take it all in. Maybe the breathe life into him was corny.. but I was trying to ask how do I support him so he can heal.