r/AskMenAdvice

F (22) with husband M(26) me and my husband have been having a dry spell I guess you could say. It has caused problems but it’s on his end. I try to initiate, wear lingerie, you name it. Eventually he told me it’s because he doesn’t have a sex drive.

Well yesterday I went through his phone and he’s watching porn, so there’s enough sex drive for that. Just not for me. Also has subscribed to onlyfans which is cheating to me and he knows I consider it cheating. I just don’t know what to do. Especially when it’s impacting our sex life.

It’s one thing if it didn’t impact our sex life or if I was telling him no to sex, but I don’t tell him no when he wants it. If anything I’m the one wanting sex all the time and he’s fine with once a week or less than that.

I’m at a loss. I just need advice on where to go from here? I never really thought this would be an issue at my age especially when it’s not like I’ve changed, I still put effort into my appearance, the house, initiating sex.

(When I asked why with the porn watching he said it doesn’t take effort like sex does)

I am educated, considerate and not entitled. I have been told that I have a good dressing sense( i dress modestly), smell good and that I am easy to talk to. I am well-read and enjoy having deep conversations. I don't sleep with these men as they end up showing their intentions pretty early on. I like to take time to build some connection before we can head in that direction( I have never hooked up before).So could it just my looks that makes these men not pursue me for relationships and they think they can do better? Please don't mind being brutally honest, I can handle it.

I am in my 30s now, and it has been the case since my 20s. I meet these men on apps

Basically the title of the post. I doubt there are any men here who have never had any romantic connection or experience of any kind until their late 20s, like not even holding hands, who later experienced healthy love or a relationship.

So as someone who's like that, should I just throw the towel? Should I just accept that I'm gonna live out the rest of my days single.

I really hope there are at least some personal anecdotes to the contrary, but I doubt it.

I (30M) been seeing this girl(29F) for 2 months now. We met on Hinge and had a nice first date walking around the city with dessert. I find her to be really intelligent and funny and it's easy to talk to her.

We kissed on the second date and on the third date she asked if we could be exclusive and asked if I could delete my apps. I agreed to both counts because I am seriously interested in her and it didn't feel like a big ask.

Since then, on each date we've kissed for longer and longer. I invited her to my place for a 5th date to give her a tour of my area and cook dinner for her. She brought me flowers and we watched TV together.

At this point, I'm really attracted to her and want to get more intimate. We kissed on the couch and I asked her if she wanted to continue here or come inside with me. She said she'd prefer to be on the couch. Fair enough, I think she's not ready and don't make any other 'escalating' advances. We kissed for longer on my couch and on my patio before she left.

I don't want to make a second advance when my first was rejected because that would be pressuring someone. We don't flirt over text much, but she has since been texting me about how much she likes kissing me. I take this as a good sign, right?

Last week, she invited me to her place after dinner. We kissed on her couch. She then told me she's been hurt before and has had nonconsensual encounters, and is in therapy for it. I felt really sad for her and reassured her that I wouldn't pressure her and want her to do anything she isn't comfortable with. I do want her to feel safe.

But now with this information about her past ... I feel like I can't bring up what I want. It's not like sex is all that's in my head, but physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship for me. We've been on 10 dates so far. Each time I do enjoy her company and enjoy getting to know her better. I definitely wouldn't want a sexual encounter with her where she's only doing it because I'm horny. I want her to want me as well.

I haven't said anything to her yet. I've just been taking things at her pace and so far have just been happy to spend time with her. I know you have to communicate if you want something, but given she has been abused in the past I feel like even bringing up my desire could be pressuring for her.

Any advice?

It's been about a year since my breakup, and for the most part I've moved on. I have my own routine now, I'm not sitting around hoping she texts me, and I don't spend every day thinking about her.

But every once in a while, something random hits me.

It'll be a song I forgot existed, a restaurant we used to go to, driving past a certain exit, seeing a couple doing something we used to do, even a random smell. For a few minutes it's like my brain gets transported back there and I feel this heavy ache in my chest. It fades, but on those days it lingers longer than I'd like.

What's confusing is I honestly don't know what I'm grieving anymore.

Do I actually miss her as a person? Or do I miss who I was during that chapter of my life? The routines, the inside jokes, having someone to tell about my day, the comfort of knowing someone was in my corner?

Sometimes I wonder if even if she knocked on my door today, we'd probably realize we're not even compatible anymore. Yet somehow those memories still have enough power to completely change my mood for a while.

For the men who've been through this, when did you realize you were missing the person versus missing the memories? Or is there really no clean line between the two?

I matched with a guy while I was travelling out of town in April. He lives 80 miles away and drove 4 hours in total to see me. We’ve been talking since then and we had our first date in mid-May and our second date last week. We’re still talking every day like not throughout the day but daily updates as we’re both in our early 30s and have a busy life. He’s currently away on holiday but he’s still updating me.
Things seem to be going well (fingers crossed!) but I’m curious from a man’s perspective: what makes you want a third date, a fourth date and to keep seeing someone to find out where things could go?

Is it mostly physical attraction, conversations, how comfortable you feel with the lady, compatibility or anticipation for sex (we havent had sex but we were a bit naughty on our 2nd date)

I am in my late twenties and every day I live, is a day closer to the one in which I take my own life. I hate myself, and most people don't really like me either. I am invisible to my own family and others. Each of my 4 brothers ended up as D1 football athletes whereas I ended up 5'9 which is 5 inches shorter then any of them. They make friends easily and always have new girlfriends while I haven't kissed a girl in years. My own "friends" prefer my brothers to me and enjoy talking with them more then me half the time. Not that I really have any friends considering I never get invited anywhere and when I try and invite them I get crickets 90% of the time.

I fucking hate myself. I hate my life. Sure, I have a family that does love me, but none of them actually like me or being around me which are not the same thing.

hi guys. i (22F) am entering the phase of my life where i am ready to start building with a partner. I have not been in a relationship before (not for lack of trying lol) but I am putting myself out there! I have an issue though where historically, I have only been able to be intimate with people I’ve known for a very long period of time (like 3+ years). I would like for this not to be the case anymore. I can find new people aesthetically attractive, but if they were to ask to kiss me or something, something in me is unable to reciporcate that attraction. so now I go on a bunch of dates that go really well! but eventually the guys want more, and I just can’t meet them there-even if they’re awesome. how can I fix this?

edit: no SA trauma. and I don’t think I’m asexual as I do experience CRAZY sexual attraction, it’s just limited to those people who I’ve known for 3+ years

So I was asked this question recently and it hit me. I don’t know how to date. Like one of my friends goes on dates every other day, sometimes different girl. Other times same girl.

I feel genuinely alone and feel like at 32 this should not be a normal part of life. I should be Going on dates etc. why do I feel like I’m just too invisible in public. By now I’d thought I’d have more experience dating. I’m short, okay looking, I’ve had a girlfriend a few situationships etc. I’m educated, funny and loyal interesting etc. (at least what I’ve heard from people)

Hopefully I made some sense.

I'm dating (not serious yet) this girl (30F) that is gorgeous. Objectively beautiful considering mainstream standards: pretty hair, well structured face, big eyes and big smile, large hips and bosom with thin waist. I honestly thougjt she was out of my league but whatever.

She seems very insecure about her looks. Saying things like "if I was a dermatologist I would use so much of that shit on me" or that she wants medications to lose 2kg (remember, she is thin already). She is very beautiful and doesn't need much to draw attention, also a very gentle and nice to be around person.

I wonder: how big of a red flag is that? How can I help her see it for herself and chill a little about it? I don't know what to do actually, and fear this insecurity will only grow bigger with time. Exploiting it in a bad way (feeding into it, comparing her with other etc) is out of the question, obviously. I just want to support her in a healthy, non-enabling way.

Important to note that she works with Instagram adds, so a lot of exposure to social media.

Thank you for reading and for your inputs!

When you have given up and you just want everything to stop your chest is tight and you feel like your drowning your trapped with no place to go. where do you find the strength to keep going?

Hi, this might be an irregular post, long story short, I’m in college that is in a small town so pretty much you could meet the same person over and over again or it just feels like everyone knows everyone type of, let’s just say I’ve had a bad experience, was falsely accused of sexual harassment when I’m the one being send dick, ass, and boobs stickers and being joked around about dicks and all, and everyone won’t believe me, afraid making new friends just for them to find out and spread it out or make it worst, went to therapy for 6 months but still feel afraid and traumatic, I feel like I’m going to throw up every time I think that I need to see any faces that’s been a part of this traumatic experience

I’m asking from anyone who’s been in this situation, or helped someone, what should I do? How can I overcome it?

I've been through some pretty rough times over the past couple of years, to the point I'm really struggling connecting to other women or even believing that someone would potentially be into me. I've been working through therapy for the past year or so, doing my best to meet new people, and just working on myself. Anytime I get a chance to interact with someone, there's like a part of me that's unwilling to commit or pursue interest. I've never really been good or lucky with relationships in the past, only had the one that exploded, so I don't have any positive memories or previous experiences to inspire myself or to keep the flame alight. My attempts to date have only led to seeing the same patterns I fear and further hurting my confidence. I have women friends I chat with often and play games with, I just can't get myself to trust that a woman would want to be with me. What sort of things would you guys recommend to get better at rebuilding trust? I'm not desperate for company or someone, I'm happy on my own with my friends and family, but having someone was the happiest I ever felt and a big dream of mine and this trust issues is very much causing trouble :s

My parnter and I are expecting our first baby soon. Im currently just over 7 months pregnant.

Before pregnancy we had a very fun sex life, very adventurous, kinky and we had sex alot.

Since becoming pregnant our sex life started to die down we went from having sex 14 times a month to 3 times sometimes 2.

I've communicated countless times with him regarding our lack of intimacy and nothing changes.

Even when I initiate he comes up with excuses like he's "tired".

He's also expressed he feels uncomfortable as there's a baby in me.

This is all starting to make me feel really down about myself, its effecting alot in our relationship. I honestly feel like we are room-mates at this point.

Our sex life has completely died now. I can't even remember the last time we did it...

After having another conversation with him a week ago, knowing he's uncomfortable with sex as "there's a baby" in me ive told him my needs and have tried a different approach to this, instead of expecting sex im also keen on the idea of doing everything else but sex... and well nothing has changed on his end.

Before anyone tells me to communicate how this all makes me feel, trust me I have...

Has anyone experienced this with their parnters while they've been pregnant?

Im just feeling really alone, unwanted and ugly.

Hi, I'm a 22-year-old guy, and my question might seem strange, but I've never been in a relationship. For years now, I've lost the desire to do anything, so anything I do now has to make sense in order to find a girlfriend. Thanks to anyone who can answer!

Hi, I want to say I like coming to this subreddit, To find situations that are relatable, Anyway, I'm an Autistic guy, been with a not Autistic woman for a good while now, how can I get her to respect me? There have been times were she'll tell me " I'm a forgettable person" or how she'll compare me to other guys she knows and or mets?.Tell me how they have this or that, and how I don't or won't go hustle?. She'll tell me how I should be lucky she chosen me and how that no other woman would want me to due to me not having value? In the sense of not being stable enough when it comes to handling finances, their emotions, and or their needs? Or how they wouldn't deal with me due to my mild disabilities? I've tried talking to her about the emotional problems from this and how if she was more considerate of what she says to me I would like that and if I have any other emotional problems, She'll tell me to not come to her with my problems,They're my problems to handle by myself She'll get upset when she founds out I've spoken to my female friends about my emotional problems and tells me how I should come to her?Also, how can I communicate better with her? She feels that I put out the "obvious" within conversations too often, How she'll have to explain the who, what, how, why, of situations? How I don't pick up on certain clues such as "Geez, it sure is cold out here" and I said it sure is, then she'll say " sure, wish I had a coat around me" I say I know right, She'll get annoyed and say how I'm just gonna let her stay cold?! I'll give her a confused look and say no, as an example, How I "over explain" myself when describing situations and or solutions, wanna try my hardest to communicate with her, And I feel that I'm not quite getting it right? Starting to blame myself, and picture myself as the problem? Then again she tries to teach me how to communicate in a "not odd or awkward" way Plus, I've asked her when I'm going to meet her friends and she told me I'll embarrass her with my poor social skills, Really wants this work it's my first relationship, And I'm already in my early 30's don't know if I'll get a second chance We're both in our 30s

25M. I got out of the navy 2 years ago at the end of this month. I moved back home to LI to live w my mom. I only knew my high schools friends. I met someone else through the weed dispensary (I don’t smoke anymore, I was dealing w a lot when I got out) that I was cool with but it never really formulated into hanging as friends. Just kept in touch until it fell off a few months later. She reached back out to me while I was in a relationship, long story short I had to cut contact, remove her cuz my ex was uncomfortable with it and later accused me of cheating when I accepted the friend request on snap and answered back and told her I had a gf and we just caught up from there.

Last summer one of my high school friends introduced me to his friend group he has. We’ve gone out a lot since last summer together but recently there was some drama and now none of them hangout together anymore. I wasn’t involved in that drama cuz idrc to be involved.

I find if I don’t text anyone to hangout or make plans no one texts me or hits me up at all. I have this philosophy of not watering dead plants after 2-3x of me hitting them up and they can’t do anything. After that it’s on them and it usually results in me never speaking to that person again.

My high school friends don’t initiate anything but we play Xbox together once or twice a week depending if I have work and all my school work is done. The new friends I made really don’t hmu since that drama stuff happened. I just keep in touch w them thru instagram dms. Instagram is the only form of social media I have nowadays. No TikTok, no Snapchat account (I found it easier on that to keep in touch but since that whole breakup messed me up I thought it was best to delete my account)

I’m not sure if this evens warrants a post or not. I may be overthinking or just being sensitive. I keep in touch w my navy friends as well. One of my friends is coming up to visit with her Gf so we’re going dancing in the city per her request.

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For some context, I (F26) dated this guy (M25) for around 3 months two years ago. I was his first girlfriend and he always treated me well. The problem was, he was too serious about marriage (to the point of telling my family he wanted to marry me) kids, religion and that stuff scared me a lot. I wasn't ready at all for that kind of commitment in such short time. So I broke up with him.

He was the last relationship I had and after him I had only one hook up and then I've been celibate for 1 year and 5 months. I also went back to college in another city and I am living there.

So, three weeks ago he texted me. He broke up with a girlfriend a month ago and was thinking about me a lot. He said he always loved me and me breaking up with him was the hardest time of his life. But he jumped straight to another relationship and this new girlfriend (according to him) was pretty awful. I don't know the whole details, but he had pneumonia to the point of passing out at his mother's place and she refused to pick him up, told him to Uber to her family's party and to wait the party to end to go to the hospital. He was hospitalized for a few days treating the pneumonia.

So, I always treated him kindly and fairly when we were together but I didn't do anything out of ordinary. I baked for him once, bought him a fancy cup and took him on a weekend trip. He paid most of our dates but I never asked him for money outside of it and I would pay whenever he let me pay.

Why I am saying this? Because to him, this was the best anyone ever treated him. His mother has been neglecting since his youth and his father left home, the new girlfriend he found and lived together with was also pretty toxic from what he talks about. I can attest he is a good, hard working man. He supports his mom and brother financially, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, never raised his voice to anyone that I witnessed. He is polite and very caring as well. But he also suffers from low self esteem and to compensate he became a people pleaser.

Also, about me. I am not perfect, I struggle with managing my home, with cleaning the house and caring for myself. I also am too sensitive and little things trigger me. I didn't want to add anything bad to him and genuinely hoped he would meet a good, traditional girl he was looking for and be happy. It made me really sad knowing it wasn't the case.

But also, sex and intimacy now scare me. The idea of becoming pregnant by accident scares me and I am not on any birth control because I have not been sexually active in a while. I get too nervous with a kiss and I can feel (he doesn't pressure me, but talked about it) his want for intimacy and sex. Unfortunately we talked about it during my ovulation and so I was super hyper horny and texting suggestive things, but now I hit "post nut" clarity, and the idea of sex is enough to make me want to cry and to make my breath come out ragged.

What I want to ask is: reading all of this doesn't you think this could work out? Right now, I am not completely in love with him, but I was when I met him, he is a good man and honestly any woman would be happy to have him. I am just afraid both of our traumas can be a mountain too high to climb, I am afraid of him becoming disappointed in me when he really gets to meet me and realize I am not perfect. I also fear he was just really unlucky, and because I offered him kindness he sees it in a magnifying glass, but I treated him the way I do my friends and sisters, I love gifting and caring for the people around me.

I think my self consciousness comes across to strangers as me being unapproachable. How to stop being so self conscious and becoming embarrassed of my mistakes?

26M

Very inexperienced with dating (haven’t really tried before because I have been focusing on studies and work so never got into the dating scene or even partying like most people in their 20s I know). I had a bit more time (albeit temporary) on my hands recently and decided I should give dating apps a go

Eventually matched with a 29F. Have only known her online for 4 days

First thing she said was that she found me very cute so idk if that means it’s just physical appearance she is attracted to (I thought girls typically weren’t attracted to appearance but rather personality)

She seems like a good person and has been polite but seems way too keen when she hasn’t even met me in person. Going too fast for my comfort. Sending heart emojis and calling me stuff like honey (I thought you only do this once you’re in a relationship). What I am more worried about is her wanting to know exactly what I have been doing each day which seems very excessive for someone you don’t even know and it feels a bit tiring telling her I have been watching cat videos online or watching anime

We have planned a date next week as that is when I get off work. When I discussed the place where we should go I was concerned about her response that she didn’t want to be told where to go and that I just pick her up and take her wherever I want but don’t tell her where I am even taking her. Wouldn’t you want to know where you’re going especially if you’re being taken there by someone who is essentially a stranger to you?

Thing is I really suck at reading between the lines and I can’t tell whether this girl is already head over heels for me (which would be strange given she has only seen photos of me) or if there is some other motive behind all of this. My gut feeling is there isn’t an ulterior motive and she’s just too keen or it’s just her personality as she does step back when I tell her xyz is a bit much for me and I would like to take things slower

We exchanged photos of each other and I find her attractive but wouldn’t count myself as head over heels for her yet because I haven’t met her in person and people can be very good at presenting a completely different (but perhaps convenient) picture online both appearance and personality wise

Also struggling to find common ground as our work backgrounds are very different and don’t think we share many hobbies so have a feeling there is the possibility we may not feel the spark when we meet but again I want to give this a chance and at least meet her in person and see what it looks like. Do know people in relationships with spouses from different backgrounds and interests and it still works for them

What are people’s thoughts here? Will appreciate insights as I am new to dating