u/Altruistic_Extent242

My partner is 29F and has diagnosed, medicated ADHD. I know ADHD can involve emotional dysregulation, but I'm not trying to diagnose her behaviour or blame everything on ADHD.

I'm posting here because I want advice from other men about how you handle this without becoming completely emotionally depleted yourself.

When my partner perceives rejection, disinterest, or a lack of care from me, the reaction isn't mild.

It can be extreme.

She can go from seemingly okay to completely emotionally overwhelmed very quickly. She'll withdraw, go straight to bed, shut down, curl up and cry or sob for hours.

And when I say hours, I mean literally hours.

Not ten minutes. Not half an hour.

Whole evenings can disappear into this.

The part that has worn me down is that the triggers can be things I genuinely would never predict would be experienced as rejection.

Once we were at the shops and she was talking to me about women's shoes. I said something roughly like:

"I don't really know much about women's shoes."

That was it.

She interpreted it as me not being interested in what she was saying.

Her mood completely collapsed. We had to leave the shops, go home, and she went straight to bed, shut down and cried for hours.

I remember sitting there thinking: how did we get from a completely ordinary conversation about shoes to this?

Another time I had a sore stomach and simply wasn't enthusiastic about going to get food.

I wasn't angry with her. I wasn't rejecting her. I physically felt unwell.

But my lack of enthusiasm was interpreted emotionally, and suddenly we were back in the same cycle again: upset, withdrawal, crying, reassurance, explaining and apologising.

Another time she was staying at my house.

We were in bed and I was absolutely exhausted, scrolling on my phone. She showed me a TikTok about getting married in Italy and I responded pretty flatly with something like:

"Yeah, that's cool."

That was genuinely all it was. I was tired.

But she interpreted the lack of enthusiasm as me not caring about marriage, not caring about our future, or not wanting that future with her.

And then it happened again.

She shut down.

She cried.

She sobbed.

And suddenly I wasn't allowed to just be tired anymore.

I had to spend the night trying to convince her that my exhaustion wasn't rejection.

This pattern has happened with words I've used, my tone, my facial expression, being quiet, being tired, being distracted, being on my phone, not sounding enthusiastic enough, or simply not responding in exactly the way she hoped I would.

Once she reaches that state, it feels like she completely disappears into the emotion.

She can sob uncontrollably, tell me I don't understand her, say I sound uncaring, tell me I'm a bad partner, question whether I really care about her, question the relationship, or say she wants to end it.

And then it keeps going.

Hour after hour.

I sit beside her.

I hug her.

I hold her.

I apologise.

I explain what I actually meant.

I tell her I'm sorry that she was hurt.

I reassure her that I love her.

I tell her I'm not rejecting her.

I explain the same thing again and again in slightly different ways, hoping that this time something will finally get through.

But once she's in that state, it often feels like nothing gets through.

She can reject the reassurance and tell me I still don't understand, but at the same time if I try to step away because I'm emotionally exhausted, that can make her even more upset.

So I end up feeling trapped.

I can't fix it, but I also don't feel like I'm allowed to stop trying to fix it.

I'm someone who almost never cries. I'm pretty emotionally reserved and usually hold things together.

But there have been episodes where, after sitting there for hours comforting her, apologising, explaining myself and trying to calm everything down, I've eventually broken down and started sobbing myself from sheer exhaustion.

Not because of the original disagreement.

Because I was completely spent.

One of the worst examples happened while we were on holiday together.

We were on a cruise, out at sea, far away from home.

I was feeling tired and a bit off one day, so I naturally wasn't being as affectionate or energetic as usual.

That was interpreted as rejection.

And suddenly, while we're supposed to be enjoying a holiday together, I'm dealing with another major emotional collapse.

She was crying and shutting down, and I was once again spending hours trying to comfort her and convince her that me being tired didn't mean I didn't love her.

That one really affected me because we were stuck on a ship far from home. I couldn't just go for a drive or get some space.

I remember feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and honestly scared by how emotionally intense everything had become.

After enough episodes like this, I've noticed myself changing.

I constantly monitor myself:

"Did I sound enthusiastic enough?"

"Was my facial expression wrong?"

"Could she interpret that sentence as rejection?"

"Should I explain that I'm tired before she thinks it's about her?"

"Should I pretend to be more enthusiastic than I actually feel?"

"Can I tell her I'm upset, or will that trigger another shutdown?"

"If this starts again, am I about to lose the next three hours of my night?"

That's what walking on eggshells has started to mean for me.

It's not just being considerate of someone's feelings.

It's knowing that a completely ordinary sentence, tired facial expression, flat tone or moment of low energy might turn into hours of sobbing, shutdown, relationship questioning and reassurance.

And after enough of those experiences, I feel like I'm constantly scanning ahead trying to prevent the next one.

I love her, and I don't want to become cold or dismissive when she's genuinely distressed.

But I also don't know how sustainable it is for one person's emotional reaction to repeatedly require hours of emotional labour from the other person.

I don't want to become responsible for preventing every possible feeling of rejection.

And I don't want every moment where I'm tired, quiet, distracted, sick, or simply not enthusiastic enough to become something I then have to emotionally repair for hours.

For other men who have been in a relationship with this kind of dynamic, how did you handle it?

How do you comfort your partner without getting pulled into hours of apologising and reassurance?

At what point is it reasonable to say, "I've explained what I meant, I love you, but I need to step away now"?

And most importantly, how do you stop yourself from becoming hypervigilant and constantly editing your own behaviour just to prevent the next emotional collapse?

I feel a bit sad about this, but my partner she was dx with ADHD about a year ago, and she is medicated but doens't go to therapy (only to get her scrip renewed).

Over the years, my hobbies have fallen away, my friends have fallen away and all i have is work and this relationship. We've been together quite some time and she's pushing marriage.

I feel so stuck and sad, i keep hoping she would get better but she doesn't. I spend my time walking on eggshells a round her, worried my tone will set her off or a word i say will set her off and if i do set her off she goes ballistic saying how i'm "uncaring" "i'm a shit partner" "i don't care about her mental health" when i try and care so much.

I feel so drained, but this is like my life now? my life is managing her, managing someone with a disability.

One thing I’ve been struggling with is that I rarely feel completely relaxed or present around my girlfriend. (Dx ADHD)

It feels like there always has to be something happening mentally something to discuss, something to plan, something in the future to think about, some issue to process, or something I need to respond to, or something i need to give reassurance for.

A common example is late at night. It might be 11pm and I’m exhausted and ready to switch off, and suddenly we’re discussing plans for something happening months or even a year from now.

In theory I could just say, “Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m tired.”

In practice, I often hesitate because that can be interpreted as rejection or disinterest. Then a simple boundary can turn into me explaining myself, reassuring her, watching my tone, or trying to prevent things from escalating.

I’ve realised this even happens during things that are supposed to be relaxing.

We went on a holiday together, and looking back, it never really felt like a holiday to me. I never got that feeling of just being somewhere together and enjoying the moment. There was always another plan to discuss, another future thing to think about, another emotional situation, or me being conscious of how I was speaking.

I miss just being somewhere with another person and being present.

Sitting together without needing to discuss the future. Walking somewhere and just enjoying it. Watching a movie without another conversation starting. Going to bed without suddenly planning something six months away.

Instead, part of my brain seems to constantly be running through:

• How is my tone coming across?
• Could this be interpreted as rejection?
• Is she becoming upset?
• Do I need to reassure her?
• What are we planning next?
• Is setting a boundary going to create an even bigger interaction?

That constant mental activity is probably what drains me the most.

It isn’t that I expect a relationship to involve zero planning or emotional conversations. Obviously those things are necessary. What I’m struggling with is the feeling that there is almost never an “off” mode where we can simply exist together without processing, planning, discussing, or managing something.

Over time, I think I’ve started associating being around my partner with being mentally alert rather than relaxed.

For people who have experienced this dynamic with a DX partner, particularly where rejection sensitivity is involved: what helped create more space for simply being present together, while also allowing you to set boundaries around when you have the capacity for planning or heavier conversations?

I’m not looking for dating advice or trying to attribute every relationship issue to ADHD. I’m specifically interested in how other partners have handled this feeling of constant mental stimulation, future-focused conversation, and hyper-awareness around tone and emotional reactions.

I was on finasteride for a long time then got off, after about 4 weeks, i had this incredible surge - like i felt like i was in my early 20's again (i'm early 30's), i had spontaneous erections, i felt like masturbating , super horny, i just got hard looking at girls, i felt confident, aggressive (in a good way) i felt like a man, like i had this surge of testosterone, this lasted about 4-5 days then i had this epic crash, completely went away. I haven't had an erection in a week, i have no sex drive, i feel depressed, sad just horrible Please help what is going on?

I'm sick of it. I like eating healthy it makes me feel good I prepare my food from home often involves a big salad bowl with chicken, avocado, salmon, seeds etc every time i whip it out in the lunch room or im eating with someone they will comment and say "that looks healthy!" but it's not in a curious tone their expression seems judgemental and tone almost...condescending? no not condescending, i don't know how to describe it, like sarcastic? Why do people need to comment so much on my healthy meals? Just le me eat i don't comment on your food or sometimes i'll ask whats that' ? it looks good? but i do that because im curious other people loook at me and comment like i'm an alien doing someing so unusual by eating a big salad or something just stop!

Please tell me If i'm being out of line here.

Despite doing well in High School - I developed mental and physical health issues whilst at university so didn't do well and didn't apply for graduate programs.

After University, still struggling with the above, I moved around jobs. Eventually I recovered from my issues, and found a job at a large company - been there ever since.

Essentially I'm in grunt work type role where it's all about KPI's, meeting targets, closing work tasks on time etc.

I've begun to realise, I feel like in a way i'm being exploited.. My quality and output is generally solid and I often feel my intellectual abilities/analytical skills are not really utilised as my job is heavily focussed on "grunt work" - output/ processing items, workflow etc. I'm not trying to sound up myself here but I've began to realise that businesses would be happy having someone like me in these "grunt" work roles as i'm reliable, intelligent, i don't push back on things, etc (not trying to talk myself up here) I get the work done, consistently with good quality.

The thing is though, it's very mentally demanding, I work all day, I stress about my KPI's there's always pressure.

Then I come on here and read about how people work a few hours a day and some even a week! I wish i had that. My sleep is bad, i'm always tired, stressed and then there's people who barely work all week. It makes me depressed that I'm in this role and can't seem to get out of it.

Am I way off the mark here? Does anyone else relate?

I'm really confused as to what's normal. I've had some really big health issues and have had to go on medications etc which has affected my libido. Recently, after taking time of work and changing up my routine i noticed my libido sky rocket and i felt an urge to masturbate frequently, watch porn etc, but then i started thinking, maybe this is normal? This is how I felt during my early 20's / going through puberty and i hadnt' felt this way for yaers. I don't know what's normal. I should get my T levels checked, for men over 30 what's normal libido? do you feel like masturbating al lthe time? regularly? watching porn? etc

I'm looking for genuinely balanced opinions because I don't want an echo chamber.

My girlfriend and I had a situation where she'd had a really upsetting day. I'd been texting her throughout the day, but after work I didn't call her. She was hurt by that, which I think is understandable.

When we spoke, I said something like:

"I'm sorry I didn't call earlier today. I know you usually call me when I'm sad or when I need someone, and I'm sorry."

I didn't make excuses or try to justify it.

Her response was, "Is that all you had to say?" I said yes, and she replied, "Well, learn to say something better next time."

I can honestly accept that my apology could have been warmer or more emotionally validating. Looking back, I probably could have said more about understanding how she felt. I was pretty tired at the time as i had a long day and i was texting her long messages throughout the day too for support.

But the bigger issue is that this seems to happen quite a bit. I apologise, but it feels like the apology isn't accepted. Instead, she often goes quiet, withdraws, or stays upset for a long time. I end up feeling like I'm trying to guess the perfect words instead of us repairing the situation together.

I'm not expecting someone to instantly forgive me just because I say sorry. If someone is hurt, they're entitled to still be hurt.

What I'm struggling with is whether it's reasonable to hope for something like:

"I appreciate your apology. I'm still upset and need some time."

That feels very different to feeling like nothing I say is enough.

So I'm wondering:

• Is my expectation unreasonable?
• Was my apology genuinely lacking?
• How do healthy couples usually handle apologies when one person is still hurt?

I'd really appreciate honest opinions from both sides, especially from people in long-term relationships.

I've read it is, but i'm not sure 100% if its?

It was really disturbing tbh, anyone else seen it? genuinely scary clav couldn't breath.

Please help me i'm 32, partner is 30,, been together a few years and looking to close the gap, and taking the next steps, she wants marriage and a house etc. We don't live together at the moment.

This is my first proper relationship and when i first started dating her i never really thought about these things, but now as i get older Im starting to really worry about this.

I'm heavily into fitness and health, I try and eat very clean, I am into longevity, I go to the gym, take vitamins, supplements, anti oxidants, I care about steps, my actvitiy level, sunlight, movement, feeling good physically

My partner is the opposite, she use to gym but has stopped now. She doesn't care about steps, about being healthy. She's not really health conscious. She likes to "bed rot' she loves eating snacks/comfort food in bed, she likes darkness for some reason, hates sunlight.

Now in a way, I kind of like this, it breaks up my obsessiveness about health, but on the other hand I worry, because i want to live a healthy life and deep down it would be nice havign a partner who at least was somewhat health conscious, i feel raelly sad because i do care about her and love her, but i just wish she was into being healtthy a bit more, just going for a walk, geting sunlight having a healthy meal, but she isnt like that at all, she loves to be in darkness in her room, eating some cookies etc, and tat's fine that's her way of regulating herself.

Im really worried tbh i don;t know what to do and i feel really sad about this dilemma.

She does say like if we lived together we would cook healthy foods together and like she does like see social media meals and try and make them loke high protein gy mfoods which is good but still idont know

i feel lie 99% of girls probably wont be into this so idont know what to do i dont want soem influencer gym girl or anything just someone who is health conscious and takes care of themslves and their body

she also regulaly gets sick and i feel like saying to her, if you ate more healthy etc youd feel better.

SHE also has ADHD so its hard for her

Look i'm not perfect, but i need to talk about this. I feel like im at high school at work. There is favouritism, there's work crushes, love triangles, there's people who will come up to me and gossip to me i don't know why , i don't care i don't really respond I just say 'oh yea'' 'that's cool' people don't seem to be able to read social queues, some people are so loud at the office, obnoxious, some people leave a complete mess in the kitchen, the toilet, some people wear sneakers and baggy clothes, I don't understand. I really like professional, clean environments, that's just me, but like at the office i feel like im in high school, i hate it, where is the professionalism? does it change as you move higher or is it like this everywhere?

I don't know if this is the right sub but I'm early 30's, and lately I've been feeling really nostalgic for the late 2000s and early 2010s. It's honestly gotten to the point where it makes me feel genuinely sad, and I'm not sure if I'm remembering it through rose-coloured glasses or if it really was a unique time to grow up.

I feel incredibly lucky that I got to experience the internet before it completely took over everyday life.

I still remember when YouTube was full of random videos people made because they genuinely wanted to create something. Seeing a video hit one million views felt unbelievable. When Gangnam Style exploded, it genuinely felt like the entire world was watching the same thing together. Going viral actually meant something because it was rare. It felt like every few months there was some new cultural moment that everyone experienced together.

Back then the internet had this sense of discovery. You'd stumble across forums, random websites, niche YouTube channels or funny videos almost by accident. Social media existed, but it didn't feel like every app was fighting for every second of your attention.

Gaming felt similar too. I'd come home from university, jump on PlayStation with my mates for hours, and games felt like they were made because developers genuinely wanted to build something great. FIFA felt like football, Call of Duty felt immersive, and there wasn't this constant focus on battle passes, skins, engagement metrics and microtransactions.

Now it feels like everything is driven by algorithms. Every video gets millions of views, so huge numbers don't even feel impressive anymore. Every app wants you endlessly scrolling. Every creator seems to optimise for clicks and watch time instead of just making something they're passionate about.

I know part of this is probably because I'm older now. I work full-time, and life naturally comes with more responsibilities than it did when I was 20.

But I honestly don't think I'm only nostalgic for being younger. I genuinely feel like something has changed. The internet used to feel like a place you explored. Now it feels like something that constantly pulls at your attention.

The reason I'm posting this is because it's been making me unexpectedly emotional. Sometimes I find myself watching old videos or remembering those years, and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'll never experience that sense of excitement, curiosity and wonder again. It almost feels like I'm grieving an era that's gone forever, and it genuinely makes me sad.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I'm early 30's, and lately I've been feeling really nostalgic for the late 2000s and early 2010s. It's honestly gotten to the point where it makes me feel genuinely sad, and I'm not sure if I'm remembering it through rose-coloured glasses or if it really was a unique time to grow up.

I feel incredibly lucky that I got to experience the internet before it completely took over everyday life.

I still remember when YouTube was full of random videos people made because they genuinely wanted to create something. Seeing a video hit one million views felt unbelievable. When Gangnam Style exploded, it genuinely felt like the entire world was watching the same thing together. Going viral actually meant something because it was rare. It felt like every few months there was some new cultural moment that everyone experienced together.

Back then the internet had this sense of discovery. You'd stumble across forums, random websites, niche YouTube channels or funny videos almost by accident. Social media existed, but it didn't feel like every app was fighting for every second of your attention.

Gaming felt similar too. I'd come home from university, jump on PlayStation with my mates for hours, and games felt like they were made because developers genuinely wanted to build something great. FIFA felt like football, Call of Duty felt immersive, and there wasn't this constant focus on battle passes, skins, engagement metrics and microtransactions.

Now it feels like everything is driven by algorithms. Every video gets millions of views, so huge numbers don't even feel impressive anymore. Every app wants you endlessly scrolling. Every creator seems to optimise for clicks and watch time instead of just making something they're passionate about.

I know part of this is probably because I'm older now. I work full-time, and life naturally comes with more responsibilities than it did when I was 20.

But I honestly don't think I'm only nostalgic for being younger. I genuinely feel like something has changed. The internet used to feel like a place you explored. Now it feels like something that constantly pulls at your attention.

The reason I'm posting this is because it's been making me unexpectedly emotional. Sometimes I find myself watching old videos or remembering those years, and I get this overwhelming feeling that I'll never experience that sense of excitement, curiosity and wonder again. It almost feels like I'm grieving an era that's gone forever, and it genuinely makes me sad.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Do you think that period really was different, or is this simply what getting older feels like?

I'm in a situation where i'm in a relationship with my partner, they are late 20's i'm early 30, been together a few years but things a rocky at the moment. The issue is that after doing a lot of research i've come up with an investment strategy going forward, but with my relationship and the uncertainty around it, i'm not sure if the relationship will continue, and if it does, i'll probably need funds available for a house deposit, or moving costs and so on. So i'm really stuck and a little annoyed because i don't want to just keep all my money in savigns not doing anything. Has anyone been in this situatoon before? do you just go with your plan reglardless of the relationship status? or do yo ujsut keep it all in savigns and wait for certaintty in te relatiosnhip?

whats the smartest thing to do? thanks

Well long story short, I didn't have a great start to my career. I bounced around a few corporate roles, didn't pass probation at once place, at other place was bullied. But the reality is the problem was me - I was immature and just didn't take work seriously.

So after a few years of this cycle, i got my shit together joined a big corporate financial organisation and started trying. I began at an entry level customer serviced role and after a few years moved to a slightly better role.

The work I do at the moment is, in a way, "grunt work", it's repetitive and the KPI's are all about output and quality. I earn $95,000. In this role, I tried so hard, and stressed so much, I'm always under pressure, manager/s are always pushing output, my work is constantly reviewed. It's stressful. I know I should be thankful to have a job, I know how hard it is out there. I'm not one to complain. However, I've been stuck in this cycle for years. Completely burnt out, stressed, worried about work, hyper focussed about work.

Recently, I decided to take some time off, and not just a long weekend or a short holiday but an actual 2-3 weeks off.

I actually feel really depressed, you know why? Because I think to myself, why am i so stressed about this? Why do I care so much? Why did I even try so hard? For what? All those gruelling office days, long commute, worrying about work, output, quality, KPI's for what? I was so stressed, and so drained for so long, most of my weekends i'd spend just recovering. I Literally had no energy for anything else.

And to make it worse, i haven't even really grown or learn that much over the last few years in this role. It's funny. If i was in a lower stress role, earning less, I probably would have more energy and focus to upskill and probably get a better role than I am i now?

I just feel really disappointed in myself. I'm sad, just really depressed about this. I've lost all motivation to work

My partner and I have been together for about 3.5 years and i'm struggling.

The biggest issue isn't any one argument, it's the pattern.

Whenever we have a disagreement or she gets upset, it seems to last for hours or sometimes even days. Even if I apologise/ acknowledge /validate her or try to explain where I'm coming from, she often stays upset for a long time, and I end up feeling anxious the entire time. My heart races whenever she's upset, and I feel like I can't relax until she is okay again.

The thing that really gets to me is that this has become a recurring theme throughout our relationship.

It feels like whenever I have a different opinion, preference, or concern, she very quickly interprets it as me not caring about her, not loving her enough, or not being committed enough.

Instead of asking, "Why do you feel that way?" or trying to understand my perspective so we can solve the problem together, it often feels like she instantly reacts emotionally and assumes the worst about my intentions.

For example, we've been talking about moving in together and buying a home. My preference is to rent together first before buying because I think living together first is a sensible step before making such a huge financial commitment.

To me, that's about reducing risk and making a thoughtful financial decision.

To her, it becomes, "You're not committed," or "You're unsure about us."

I feel like we never actually get to discuss the issue itself because the conversation immediately shifts to defending my intentions instead.

This happens with a lot of disagreements, not just this one. I often feel like I'm spending my energy trying to convince her that I care rather than actually working through the problem together.

What I wish would happen is something like:

>

Instead, it often feels like:

>

She's a caring person in many other ways, and there are lots of positives in our relationship, which is why I'm still here after 3.5 years. But I'm starting to feel emotionally exhausted because every disagreement feels so heavy.

I'm genuinely wondering:

• Is this a common relationship dynamic?
• Has anyone had a partner who interpreted disagreements as rejection or lack of love?
• Did things improve with communication or couples counselling?
• Or is this the kind of compatibility issue that usually doesn't change?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've experienced something similar, whether you were in my position or my partner's.

I don't know what to do. I have friend, and they mean well, but they are very distracting at work. When I go to work, I do like socialising, but for the most part I like going in, trying to focus doing my work and leaving the office. Not hanging around too much or wasting time. I hate feeling like i'm wasting time. Often at work ill put on overhead phones to help me focus and listen to focus music.

So anyway this coworker, just doesn't seem to catch my social ques. I'll literally have headphones on trying hard to focus and they will come up to me and just stand there and wait for me to take my headphones off to talk to them. It's so annoying. I genuinely don't know how they get work done? Or every 30 minutes they want to chat so i got to stop working and talk to them, or even when i want to have a break they want to come with me.

Jesus christ, i feel bad saying this, because there are times i like hanging out with them or joking around but bloody hell, when they're around my work day ends up being 10 hours becuase i work so bloody slow because im distracted all the time. There are times i'm at the office and i want to sit somewhere else but they see me and sit next to me, i mean what am i meant to say? don't sit next tome? i can't. but i dont knwo what else to do

I live at home with my parents i'm in my early 30's i would like to move out and rent closer to work, as it takes me some time to get to work (1 hr 10-20 minutes)

on one hand i read how bad renting is, on other hand i hear it's not that bad? is renting a small apartmnent inner city that bad?

This is NOT a gender thing at all but -

Ok so maybe i don't work in a really professional corporate office as i'd like to think, but it blows my mind how much i see "pretty privilege" in action. Has anyone else noted this? I've noticed the way managers speak to certain people at the office so much differently to others and it seems the difference is because they are young and attractive. I know that's normal and studies even show attractive people have a "halo" affect on others but still. Kinda makes me sad in a way. I remember in one particular team there was this guy he was about 6 ft 2, handsome within 6 months he was promoted to a team leader position and was recommended for the role from another female manager. Like, we have this tik tok generation all doing this "looksmaxing" stuff and people laugh at the but then in reality, they are treated very differently. Has anyone else noticed such things?