r/ADHD_partners

For context I never use divorce as a threat. I have brought it up 3 x in our 10 years of marriage because I honestly had nothing left to give and wanted out. And every single time, non dx husband would beg, resume therapy, make an effort. All short of getting an official diagnosis and trying medication. Of course the effort will last a month and things will go back to normal. Normal being him living like a bachelor and doing whatever he wants; his new expensive hyper focus rotating every few months and spending all sorts of $ and shedding all responsibility with our young children.

I have so much resentment built up in me that he can be the most perfect partner moving forward and I would not care. We sleep in different rooms. We haven't held hands or any sort of physical contact in a year. We are roommates with children. But if I bring up divorce he refuses, becomes apologetic, saying he can do better. It's a never ending cycle that I fear will only end when one of us dies.

Any stories of people who stayed and it was worth it?

My husband (dx) and I have had a challenging marriage. We're currently trying to figure out what our marriage looks like going forward, and I've asked him if he wants to continue in more of a companionship/roommate type connection (because we're realizing we never really integrated deeply up until this point anyway).

That's not necessarily ideal for me, but I do want to be married to him and would be so willing to try it out that way and see what it's like if I adjust my expectations.

He's adamant that he doesn't want that type of setup.

But then in other conversations about what we need and want from the marriage, he says he's doesn't need deep conversations.

But he also doesn't move toward me to engage me in less deep conversation or even show curiosity about/interest in me when I offer up things (questions are like a foreign language for him).

He also doesn't seem to retain much information about me.

And the thing is, if I'm not expressing that I'm not content, he seems perfectly content.

But again, he's adamant that he doesn't want a companionship/roommate marriage (and it's not because he thinks it would mean lack of sex, if you're wondering that), so I am so confused about what he actually wants from me and from a marriage.

He says he wants us to have shared future goals. That's about the only thing I can name.

I guess my question is, for those of you who have experienced the same thing with your ADHD spouse (lack of expressed curiosity/interest, lack of engagement in intentional conversation, lack of need for deep conversation and an adamant denial of wanting a roommate-like setup), has your spouse been able to name what they do want from your marriage?

I know y'all can't tell me what's in my husband's head and heart. That's not what I'm asking. I'm just curious to hear about similar situations.

My husband is dx. But he doesn’t take medication. I am so exhausted cz he will do completely stupid things without thinking. I don’t have the energy. Sometimes I have to explain something so simple and I feel myself draining. Sometimes I don’t even complete my sentence and stop abruptly cz I am so done. How do you deal with this?

My husband (31 dx as a kid/medicated the last 5 years) and I (F 31) have been together for 9 years and have two toddlers. After years of expressing that I don’t feel like he does his share of household labor or holds any of the mental load, I am so resentful. Having kids has amplified all the issues. He does tasks around the house, but struggles to stick to them, other than the dishes and bathing the kids which we swap every day. He’s also responsible for washing the sheets weekly, walking the dog, and taking the trash to the dumpster, but sheets often go 2 weeks without being washed, the dog never gets walked, and trash bags pile up in the garage for weeks before going to the dumpster on our road. I’m so exhausted by expressing the same need over and over again. I feel like everything would fall apart if I stopped managing it all.

My husband is a good person. He’s kind, thoughtful, takes a genuine interest in me and my interests, he’s patient, has happily supported me through health issues, he wakes up in the night with our kids who don’t sleep through the night, he’s receptive to feedback, loving and caring, he treats me and our kids well. Obviously none of this negates the struggles related to his dx, but I want to illustrate that he’s a good person.

At this point, I am so resentful and angry about the dynamic we are in. I can’t trust that he can take on the mental load of anything without me reminding him or checking in multiple times, and often things still get forgotten. I feel like his parent and it’s caused me to lose all attraction to him. I have lost respect for him because I don’t view him as a function adult or equal partner, and now everything he does annoys me. I know viewing him this way is making the dynamic worse, but we’re so deep in it I don’t know how to change my mindset about him. I’m not innocent in this dynamic obviously. My resentment has caused me to take out a lot of frustration on him, and I am constantly short with him. Intimacy and attraction are gone and I lack patience with him lately. I’m snappy and short over small things. Most days I don’t enjoy being in this marriage.

He is receptive to feedback and me expressing my needs and frustrations, but it doesn’t seem to result in any lasting changes. I know he will never function at the same level I do, but I feel like his functioning should be higher than what it is, especially since he’s medicated. He’s successful at work, but it doesn’t translate to home life. He says he’s trying so hard every day, but I don’t see it. I see that he’s trying in small ways, but it never feels significant. I don’t know if I’m being harsh and unrealistic about what he’s capable of. Part of me thinks he’s capable of more and that because he’s been functioning this way for so long, he assumes that’s all he’s capable of. Being on medication should make things better, but I don’t feel like there’s a difference on his meds. He’s tried several different ones and doesn’t want to increase his dose because it makes his anxiety worse.

ADHD has changed our relationship and my feelings for him and I know we are both unhappy. We’re both in individual therapy and we have talked about couples therapy, but it’s not something we’ve started. I’ve asked about getting an ADHD coach, but he doesn’t seem interested.

What helped you change your feelings and get over the resentment? I know this all sounds so bad, but I don’t want to blow up my life with a good person if there’s hope or if I’m at fault here. I know he’s trying, but it feels like too little, too late.

Appreciate if you read all of that ❤️

I love my dx partner, but I don’t love living with him. I’m thinking more and more about suggesting this arrangement. Money is a bit of a hurdle in this scenario, so I’m not sure it’s even feasible. I’m wondering if any of you have gone from living together to living apart, and if so, how did it work out?

I need some help working through this, and I was hoping some of you here might be able to help me. Even though my relationship is very young compared to a lot of what I've read on here, I recognize myself in a lot of what people are writing about.

I'm in my late twenties and have been dating someone also in his late twenties (dx) for a couple of months. He has ADHD. He's very aware of it, and he's in therapy and takes medication. There is a lot of good stuff about this relationship, despite the things that have been making me feel bad. If there weren't so many good things, I probably would have broken up already.

I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with some of his behaviors and needs, and as the relationship gets more serious, I feel like I can already see a future where my own needs aren't being met.

For example, we had a big conversation about availability because he has a hard time with anything that isn't spontaneous. He's made an effort since then and tries to schedule things more, which I appreciate. The problem is that I often feel like I'm just being scheduled into his existing activities. That's good in some ways, but I also wish he would sometimes want to come see my friends, experience things that I enjoy, or participate in parts of my life that aren't already part of his routine.

Another issue is that he doesn't really ask me questions about myself, my day, my week, or what's going on in my life. When I start talking about myself, the conversation often quickly turns back to him. In general it's what he wants to do, and there's not much compromise.

He's also forgetful about things that are important to me. For example, I'm vegan. It's a pretty significant part of my beliefs and lifestyle. For my birthday last week, we were at a bar with some of my friends and he offered to get food for everyone. He remembered to accommodate my friend's peanut allergy, but didn't get a single thing that I could eat. That genuinely hurt me and was honestly embarrassing.

The bigger problem is that I don't feel like I can talk to him about things like this.If I try to bring up something I'm concerned about, like my birthday, even something relatively minor, it's like the conversation just slides off him. Nothing really happens. I don't know how to make these conversations happen without feeling like I'm being rude or abrasive.

At the same time, he talks to me quite a lot about his ADHD and his own needs, so I know he is capable of talking about those things.

The other issue that has become more apparent as we've gotten more involved in each other's daily lives is his OCD. We cook together, have sleepovers, and spend a lot more time at his place now. I think earlier in the relationship he was putting more mental energy into hiding how severe his OCD can be when I'm there. Now that we're more comfortable with each other, I'm seeing more of it.

The result is that I don't really feel relaxed at his place anymore. Sometimes his behaviors and ticks make the atmosphere feel tense or even a little hostile. There are moments where it feels like he doesn't actually want me there, even though he repeatedly tells me that he does.

I don't want to blame everything on ADHD or OCD, and I don't expect him to be perfect. There are genuinely a lot of things I love about him and about this relationship and I don't want to break up, but I can't lie to myself like I'm not afraid and worried about these issues going forward.

I'm not really sure what to do or how to talk about this with him.

DX M(34) - untreated (me F(35)) has ADHD (and I think he might be a slightly little bit on spectrum as well). Overall, from the beginning of our relationship - 3yrs with a few break ups - we have been struggling with different communication styles, needs and expectations. I’m a very open person and I need a lot of communication, stability, proactivity from the partner, support in general - I’m used to give this as well. Unfortunately, my partner is struggling with it. It’s not about him not wanting to but he „learns“ only when things go wrong or when we are on the verge of a breakup. I’m honestly internally really exhausted because I feel like I’m driving and pulling the relationship. In the last few weeks, his lack of support in a really difficult life situation has made me feel exhausted. I started to create a sort of distance - and when I'm not proative, neither is he and we basically haven't seen each other for two weeks. I don’t want to punish him for his ADHD, I know he’s trying - but I also have to be extremely specific what I need, how things should be. And since no situation is alike, we are going through it every single time. My therapist told me to have a list of needs that need to change (f.e. the proactivity/communication - in a specific amount of time and then see). But right now I don’t want to invest into it anymore. I do have feelings for him and I know he loves me very much but I feel burnt out and anxious. And I just think it’s because of his ADHD but I don’t know how to deal with the situation anymore.

Anyway - what is your experience? Did you break up with your partner because of the ADHD - how was it? Or is it possible to get over this feeling of constant frustration and exhaustion? Thank you!

Curious from other peoples experiences. Outside of therapy/family therapy etc has any one had any success with the following.

My wife dx, she hasn't been diagnosed that i know of with RSD but absolutely has it, can be quite difficult to have an adult, productive conversations about grievance's or anything that may trigger rsd as i'm sure many of you can relate.

So unfortunately this means we are unable to set a good/healthy example for our kid in how tow adults deal with problems. I go way way out of my way to be cool, calm and collected. I grey rock with the best of them now but this really isn't a healthy thing to witness either.

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

Doing 2nd round of couples therapy with my dx husband (unmedicated). The therapist uses EFT. I've been reading about it and I can see how it would work for a lot of people but I don't see how it will help us. How can someone with ADHD be consistent enough to mimic secure attachment? I don't see how it's possible without the ADHD person having mastered basic executive function.

TL;DR: Does your partner (dx/ndx/medicated/non-medicated.. any combination really) write off them not actively listening during a conversation to just a miscommunication or misunderstanding? Or do they acknowledge their ADHD?

My (dx, medicated) partner (ndx) was open to seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, then back pedaled very suddenly a few years ago. I tried to understand what their thought process was and they gave the same response of “I don’t have ADHD.” Having been diagnosed myself, growing up with dx family members, and having been with my partner for over 8 years, I will die on the hill that they have ADHD.

We have been married for 3 of those 8 years and different aspects of ADHD have been straining our relationship. We have tried couples counseling, but the counselor, from a few sessions, decided my partner doesn’t have ADHD but I just need to be more patient with their habits. Or that we just need to communicate better. I have found myself replaying conversations in my head or taking notes when we talk, because I cannot for the life of me, figure out where a miscommunication or misunderstanding can come from. I have been going to individual therapy and have been medicated for over 5 years. An example of the latest convo/situation dealing with miscommunication:

I meal prep lunch for the both of us every Sunday. I noticed one of the main ingredients was running low, but I was already halfway through prep and didn’t want to leave in the middle while other things were cooking/baking. I let my partner know that we would be one meal short and I asked if they could have one of their frozen back-up meals on Friday. They agreed. On Thursday, work provided lunch unexpectedly so I brought home my un-eaten lunch. I excitedly told my partner that I got a free lunch and they wouldn’t need to eat their frozen meal tomorrow. I got a half acknowledgement but didn’t think much of it.

Friday around lunch time, I see my partner starting to grab a prepped meal from the fridge. They comment that it’s a little smaller than usual. I reminded them we were low on the main ingredient so I had to downsize the portions a little. I also mention again that I really got lucky with the free lunch from the day before so there’s enough food for the both of us today. I went back to my desk to work a little bit more then got up to have lunch. Open the fridge, and there are 0 meals left. I look in the sink and see 2 sets of empty Tupperware. I ask my partner why they ate both meals and they said “oh well you said the portions were smaller.” I agreed that I said that but then I asked what they thought I would eat.. blank stare. I can’t have the frozen back up meals due to an allergy and I generally don’t like eating ready made frozen meals. If there was a sorry it was buried very quickly with responses that had no remorse. I asked if they remembered me bringing up the free lunch.. being short one portion.. they said they didn’t realize those were related and resolved it as “oops, miscommunication!” I mentioned the free meal twice in this recap, but trust me I brought it up several times with the ~24 hours because getting free lunch was a big deal for me. If I haven’t already given up in the relationship I probably would have cried alot more. I finished my stretch of meetings and went out to grab lunch. I think if my partner acknowledged their potential ADHD diagnosis, I would feel more compassionate or try to be even more clear.. but it just feels like they don’t think about me or even care, if they’re adamant they won’t be diagnosed or even consider individual therapy. Really just curious if other people’s partners throw around miscommunication/misunderstandings when it feels like something couldn’t be more clear.

Husband dx but unmedicated and currently not in therapy, I’m nt with PMDD.

Looking for advice. My husband and I have, usually, a pretty good relationship. However, it feels like I’m never allowed to be frustrated or upset with him no matter what. Apparently I’m allowed to feel those things, but I must always be 100% kind to him all the time and if I’m not I’m mean, cold, nasty, and a terrible partner. This is almost always what we argue about, and if I ever try to hold him accountable for something I am always mean about it according to him, and he’d be more receptive if I was just more kind.

Like…I’m sorry, but I’m not perfect. I try, but…I’m human? I have PMDD, and I recognize that and try to manage it as best I can but there’s no grace for me while I’m expected to have infinite grace for him. If I’m short with him once, I get punished with a day or two of one-word answers and complete disengagement, but I’m expected to be totally normal and loving when he comes back around.

I try not to let it bother me, do my own thing and have a nice day while he processes, but I’ve just spent all Sunday alone again and it’s, well, lonely!

Are unbalanced expectations standard? How have you dealt with this effectively in your relationship? Have you found a way to get your partner to process in the moment rather than ruining a whole day?

My partner, DX ADHD, medicated, therapy once a week, councilor, couples therapist, psychiatrist, support from family, Easter Seals case manager -- there's basically every kind of assistance available to an adult mom with ADHD here.

She stays at home, but we have full time out of the house daycare and school. So she's here alone for 6+ hours a day.

I work more than full time to keep our house, car, all the bills, all the expenses -- I pay for everything and have for 7+ years now, alone, with nothing left over month to month. I have no hope of that ever changing, because she *can't keep a job*, due to no call no show being a chronic recurring habit *even under the most relaxed and non-punishing circumstances.* And the arguing with management, oh my god...

...my house feels like an avalanche waiting to happen.

It's *sanitary,* but it's impossible to truly sanitize any surface that has to be decluttered before sanitizing. So it's not "hoarding," it's just *astonishing dysfunction.* Inability to prioritize doing the labor and plan where things are supposed to go, is why. I can't keep up. It's like sweeping water back into the sea.

Because of this I often have to just shove aside her piles to move through the space, causing it to crash into another pile, which spills all over the place. It's like that scene in Idiocracy, where the piles of trash cause an avalanche. I *hate* it. I never lived like this outside of a brief period where I had to live in a warehouse temporarily. Awful. I swear, as soon as I can live elsewhere -- *never ever again.*

Little hands also just keep redistributing clutter from one pile to the floor over, and over, and over again.

We argue incessantly about stuff.

My philosophy: just get rid of it. Keep it out of reach.

Her philosophy: if I can't see it, it doesn't exist, so everything has to be within reach at all times. (And thus prone to child induced avalanche.)

There are *days,* where I've taken time off work, only while she's gone, *just to clean and declutter,* only to have all progress reversed within 24 hours. That's money I'm not making to cover her late fees and impulsive spending, to *clean her mess.* Her mom, sister, cousin, Grandma, my friends -- we've all taken turns purging stuff only to be disappointed within hours of finally making significant progress. We're talking entire 1 ton roll-offs to purge, which can cost hundreds of dollars -- just to break even on progress decluttering, and still be substandard when you're done doing *days of hard labor.*

It's like it never ends.

Besides divorce and burning it all down -- what do?

I've tried to hire professionals. They all say they don't handle ADHD cases anymore lol.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

I (43m not dx) seek ideas for how to support my partner (35m dx ADHD) who is struggling with sleep. He is already working with a prescriber and therapist (off and on), so I’m not asking about medication.

For the past two years, since a death in the family, he's cycled between several nights of very little sleep (rarely asleep before 4am, up at 5-6am) and a crash where he sleeps half a day. Afterward he's frustrated, changes nothing, and the cycle restarts. It's now affecting his finances, his energy at home, and our relationship.

Things he resists, even when they came from his own therapist:

- Setting the phone aside at night (he insists he needs TV and phone together "until he feels sleepy")
- Sticking with the worry journaling his therapist suggested (it worked for 3 days)
- Eating during the day. He skips meals, then loads up on sugar and carbs late at night.

He works on the road all day, so I think he's protecting the evening as “his” time. Gentle reminders tend to make him snappy, and I've run out of ideas.

For partners who've been through something similar:

1. Why might he abandon strategies that clearly help him?
2. What has actually helped you support your partner without becoming the reminder person?
3. How do you protect your own energy when you're carrying most of the shared life responsibilities?

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.