r/ADHD_partners

Hi everyone,

I feel like I‘m questioning my own reality so I’m just looking for some advice. I (29F) have been together with my boyfriend 28M-DX for 3 years.

During those 3 years his inability to hold his gaze during conversations when we’re out, e.g. a restaurant, has become a bigger and bigger problem. In the beginning, I was patient and understanding, now it‘s gotten to the point I’m losing my sanity.

When we’re out at a restaurant and we’re trying to have a conversation, his eyes will wander around every 1-2 minutes. He will just look somewhere and potentially zone out. At some point, I convinced myself that he must’ve been looking at attractive women bc why else would you lose your focus on the girlfriend you swear you love so much? He denies it every single time and tells me that he just so easily gets distracted and can‘t control it.

To be completely fair, his eyes do not only wander to women but also men, if they’re wearing an outfit he likes, or male servers and they’re bringing food, things he’s currently interested in (like race bikes) or pretty much other random stuff that just grabs his attention. When we‘re inside and I’m talking to him, he also sometimes lost focus and suddenly stared at something I couldn’t figure out what it was, though.

It‘s gotten to the point I’m scared to go out with him because I’m expecting him to look away every couple minutes bc something catches his attention. The worst is that I just now always look for a woman nearby and that’s so sad. It has made me so incredibly insecure. I would dress up for him, put a lot of effort into my appearance and yet he couldn’t focus for a long time.

I mean, on top of it all, it makes me feel like he’s just not interested enough in what I have to say. When I meet up with friends and they bring their boyfriends, it’s sad to see that every single one of them seems to be, superficially, more focused on what I have to say than he is.

I‘m not sure what to make out of all this, if I‘m spiralling or if I’m being played. I know the inattentiveness can be a symptom of ADHD but I feel like it’s so prominent with him.

Thank you for reading!

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

I (30 dx unmedicated) have been browsing this sub Reddit for a while now and it's really given pause for though. I've actively started self improving at least a year ago because of reasons separate or I so thought) to my ADHD turns out the clinginess I have always exhibited is directly linked to my ADHD and not made better by the fact I have GAD. I've always been told since I wasn't bouncing off the walls like my brother that I didn't medication but have for the last several months been seriously considering starting on to path to getting them.

I just wanted to sincerely thank everyone here though, The ADHD related content on here and other social media is blindingly positive but often doesn't give tips on how to improve ones symptoms.

seeing ADHD referred to in such honest NT's lenses often by people who have tried being supportive and understanding of partners often for years if not a decade or more. Makes me realise just what my mother had dealt with as the only NT person in the home.

It was this sub that taught me about RSD and now I understand why during perceived conflict I go quiet and shut down. and Have real trouble talking things out during a conflict. and know I understand what that is I can start tackling it and working on it.

Now the pre-ambles over my question

Why have I seen people talking about this sub like it's a hate group?

I truly don't get it.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

First time posting here, I'm 31m in a 10 year relationship with 30f-DX.

I was wondering how common it is to experience putting your own life on hold because of issues in your relationship?

I've recently decided to change job, and much like last time I was considering a move I've suddenly become aware of all the issues in my relationship with my dx spouse.

My current job brings me a lot of stability but it's time to move on to advance. The issue I'm dealing with is that the stability acts as a kind of anchor for me when things are tough with my partner, and changing job would introduce a load of unknowns and insecurity into an already stretched personal situation.

A move would move me further away from family and my broader safety net.

Am I the only one? Is this a common thing for you guys, too?

My 29f partner 31m ADHD (dx) (medicated) (and PTSD) is generally a very caring person, but I keep running into situations where other people's plans, wishes, or expectations seem to take priority over practical needs, including my health.
I have a chronic illness that sometimes requires planning, flexibility, access to restrooms, and being able to slow down or change plans when symptoms flare up. What I struggle with is that my partner often seems unable to set boundaries with his friends/family or push back against unnecessary plans, even when those plans create extra stress or make my symptoms worse. It often feels like he goes along with what the group wants instead of considering whether it makes sense for us.

I'm trying to understand whether this is something other people with ADHD partners experience as well. Is difficulty setting boundaries, prioritizing, or saying no to friends a common ADHD-related issue, or is this more of an individual personality trait?

For those who have dealt with similar situations, how do you handle it? Have you found ways to communicate health-related needs that actually lead to changes in planning and decision-making?
It has gotten frustrating for me to keep up with plans that I am not really able to follow through without wrecking my health. I really appreciate hearing other people's experiences.

Ex is dx female in her 40s. She is very clumsy and can bump her head, twist her ankle regularly. So the idea of proprioception is how the body calculates and positions the self in correlation to the external world. Then I read two things which are quite intriguing,

'The proprioceptive system can be a good tool for calming, organising and self-regulating the brain and nervous system. Proprioception is essential for maintaining a level of alertness and as a result can impact positively on levels of attention and learning.'

'Social Proprioception is also a common analogy. Just like physical proprioception is the brain's inability to judge physical distance and force (leading to bumping into furniture), a lack of social proprioception means the brain struggles to judge emotional distance, conversational weight, and the impact of words'

Seemingly the weakness of her proprioception also negatively impact her attention, emotions, calmness, emotional distance with another person. This makes a lot of sense.

My husband and I are both dx and medicated for ADHD. In the past year or so, he finally acknowledged how unmanaged his ADHD is and upped his dose and started seeing a therapist. He's apologized for big issues his ADHD caused like how he didn't finish his master's degree on time and had to pay thousands of dollars for an extra year because he mismanaged his time.

One of the things I'm struggling with most is that he never seems to think he's mismanaging his time WHILE it's happening. He apologizes in retrospect and says he wants to focus and be more diligent. But when I see it happening all over again and I try to prompt him to consider if he's focusing and managing his time by doing things like watching movies or hanging out with friends when he has a tight deadline looking he always says "well I can't just work ALL THE TIME of course I'm going to need to take breaks" and then he misses the deadline. And then months later hell apologize and say how sorry he is for mismanaging his time and how I was right he wasn't focusing or being diligent.

When I try to point out this pattern he just says that I'm doing black and white thinking and that he's managing his ADHD fine and that there is more to life than just labor.

Do other people struggle to get their medicated, diagnosed and responsive spouse to actually acknowledge and stop the ADHD behavior while it's happening? Any suggestions that he or I or his therapist can do to help with this to break out of the hindsight is 20/20 pattern?

Thanks!

Cool as a cucumber. Righteously unaffected. I will not react. There's nothing more to say. Every sentence of my DX wife could be trying to get me to react, yet I am immune. Blissfully even. My immunity renders her unarmed. This is my approach now. Let's see how it goes.

My (n dx) partner can readily say they are sorry after I'm upset or they say something rude or break trust, but will then they will weaponize that apology against me like "I've already said sorry" or "we've already talked about this" like that absolves the conflict from having an impact that needs repairing later. It feels like out of sight out of mind, truly and I feel so invisible sitting in my pain (for years of this)

How does your adhd partner repair conflict? I have asked that they bring up these topics later on at a point when we are doing good or feeling stable so we can discuss in a healthy way in a good space, and the response I get every time is " why would I want to ruin a good day and start a fight?" Or the "I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me" Both responses feel so dismissive.

I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall and wonder how repairs happens for everyone else. Do I literally have to use this radical acceptance that it's never going to happen?

Dx ex (42 female untreated) was diagnosed in her late 30s. What I found interesting is that she soaked up all the 'positives' of how the internet celebrates her neurodivergence, she would regularly say things like she has 'superpower', deep inside she is kind and gentle, she is smart and creative.

I don't know how much she was trying to comfort herself from repeating these adjectives, but it seemingly became her way to mask her outward interaction with the world. In reality, she constantly get fired at work, living with her parents like a teenager, impulsive and violent at times, and she is a phone addict on mundane contents. In some sense, her diagnosis plus some 'over-celebration' of the condition on the internet, only makes her more detached and feel-good inside, when the world around her crumbles.

I (F31) am married to my husband (dx M33) who has ADHD. We have bounced around the ideas of getting a smart calendar for the household as something physical for us to reference for increasing busy schedules.

My husband brought up the idea of getting something like a Skylight calendar to have everything in one central place, that is visible and that we can use it to help structure meal planning, making grocery lists, to dos, and eventually more activates for my daughter (11 months old).

While, all good in theory, I know I would be the one to manage the calendar (I accept that I am the mental load bearer in the relationship at this time, we are starting couples therapy soon) but I worry this would be just another thing I would invest in only for it to not be utilized. We have tried other phone applications for organization before without consistent use AND I can see where something big and physical could be a more effective tool for adding in structure for my husband to help with more tasks around the house.

I realize this is probably person dependent but was wondering what others have experienced.

How have others implemented these systems and was it successful?

Edit- I am not asking for support on dynamics with my marriage. I am very happy to work with my husband on his ADHD. Yes, he wants to change and needs help with it. When I say I know I will need to manage the calendar that is something I am both happy and willing to do. I enjoy organizing things and wanted just more sharing on if a device like this would be helpful. I do not need feedback on my relationships.

My (dx - untreated) 37M was diagnosed by our couples therapist and rejected the diagnosis, going as far as to say the therapist should lose their license. Before we terminated the therapy relationship, the therapist told me that this can sometimes happen. I have diagnosed CPTSD, so my partner has used this to justify that he is the NT one even though he meets the textbook definitions.

ADHD does run in his family but he views himself as separate from them - he says he expected them to be diagnosed - and says he knows he doesn’t meet the criteria.

I’m looking for similar experiences or advice handling this.

Edit: The diagnosis happened after we both took neuropsych assessments at the therapist’s request.

lets say my partner (N DX ) should be in bed but is losing track of time on social media or Youtube. i know if they don't, it will be bad the next day. i want to give a gentle reminder, but in the past i don't get much of a response.

is there anything that could work in this situation? just boundaries or anything that can nudge them to do the right thing?

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

DX husband, 40M.

My husband has ADHD, and I’m trying to figure out how to support him when his RSD gets really bad.

He’s a very sweet person. He’s kind, gentle, and he really does try. When we have hard conversations, he doesn’t yell or get mean. He doesn’t turn it around on me. He usually listens. It's just that when he feels rejected, he shuts down hard.

It can be from an actual conversation, but it can also be something small. A friend not texting back. Someone seeming off. Him worrying he said something weird. Then he starts spiraling that his friends secretly hate him or are just putting up with him. He doesn’t take it out on me. He just gets really quiet and depressed. It’s like he disappears into himself.

I know a lot of people here have partners whose RSD comes out as anger, blame, or defensiveness. That sounds awful, and I’m not trying to compare or minimize that. In our case, it mostly turns inward, and I don’t always know what to do with that.

I reassure him, but sometimes that turns into a loop. He feels better for a minute, then the fear comes right back. I don’t want to ignore him when he’s hurting, but I also don’t want to become the person responsible for talking him out of every spiral. It hurts to see him upset and cry, I have to be honest.

What helps in the moment? What makes it worse? How do you support them without taking the whole thing onto yourself?

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

Almost 3 years in with dx girlfriend and I wake up stressed realizing all the problems I have with the relationship:

Walking on eggshells. Feeling like a hostage to her monologues. no curiosity about my inner world. Avoidance about issues she only reveals after exploding. Mean comments. Lacking skills in emotional validation.

And she wants marriage and kids (she of course didnt have a serious sit down but rather made off hand comments because sit downs trigger her anxiety)

I just asked myself "is this the same person I fell in love with?" Like i dont remember being this stressed early on so did she get more comfortable hence these behaviors became less hidden?

My (f, dx, unmedicated) partner (f, dx, unmedicated) sometimes gets way too angry way too quickly about relatively small frustrations. Like a bad hair day, clothes not fitting, or the cashier making a mistake in a customer service interaction. These frustrations don’t consistently cause this reaction in them though, they’re often completely calm and cool, but the sudden and unpredictable explosion sucks. Huge inconveniences weirdly don’t elicit this reaction either. They are great in an emergency!

My partner’s anger is never ever directed at me (which also confuses me) but they can blow UP at these small things; storm away or stomp around, curse repeatedly under their breath, the whole shebang. They will text me about their frustration if something irritating happens when we’re not together, long strings of “f*uck this, f*uck f*uck f*uck” it’s too much.

When I said as much recently, they shared that this has been an issue their entire life and they also dislike it.

Our relationship otherwise is so lovely. We’re both in our early 30s in compatible careers, we talk openly about the future, and enjoy spending time apart as much as we do time together. We love our lesbian community and being in the world with my person brings me a lot of peace, until it suddenly doesn’t. I’ve recently found myself anxiously preparing for something to go wrong when we’re in public even when the mood is good.

What can I do as their partner to minimize stress to my life while also offering support? Can any other adhd partners relate to these sudden outbursts? If so, what steps have you taken to manage them?

I have lost trust in my partner - dx and unmedicated due to failure to initiate and follow through. We have deep love with each other- I just realized I dont trust them to follow through or initiate things anymore. I am at the point where I dont even bother bringing up things anymore and have checked out.

How do you deal? I am not ready or going to part from them so that advice is ineffective.

Thanks.