r/ADHD_partners

I hovered around this community a lot last year when we were figuring out that a lot of my husband's issues were probably ADHD (finally explaining why a nice hearted guy would act in such hurtful ways).

So I just wanted to share that he's just got dx and is on the waiting list for meds. But even knowing what the issue was has helped us work on things a lot.

Things are a lot happier now than they were then, and I wanted to say thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and to just let you know that things are doing pretty good (I know this community doesn't get a lot of positive posts so thought I'd share!)

My dx/rx spouse of ten years, struggles heavily with withholding information. I feel super overwhelmed and stressed when we talk because I constantly have to ask a hundred questions to understand what might be relevant to me.

Common scenario is something important has come up. They’ll say something such as, “I don’t feel well”. I’ll then get stuck in a ten minute conversation to find out how they don’t feel well, how it impacts the evening, etc. Only to find out it means they are changing our plans.

But almost every conversation we have is like this. My partner says they understand this concern and wants to do better, but they don’t know what information is relevant, like ever.

Are there systems or guides for ADHD folks to learn skills on how to communicate effectively, or is this just never going to be easier?

My partner (DX) and I have sex very irregularly. Often when we do, he is self-conscious and can't get into it and we break off early. Either right after that or a while later, we'll talk about it and I'll ask him to talk to a sex therapist and get some help, but he'll go into a long explanation about the perfect scenario for him having sex and how we should set it up next time and his reasoning for not being able to perform.

I used to really try hard in these conversations and thought it would help, but now we're having these discussions after one of every two times we have sex. The emotional energy is a lot, especially because I'm also really sad that our sex life is so bad.

I've read a bit on here and it seems like lack of a good sex life is pretty consistent for some partners of folks with ADHD (I'm really sorry to hear it too). I was wondering if your partners also put you in this unpaid-sex-therapist role? How do you deal with it?

I'm so tired and I just want uncomplicated intimacy (the dream right?!).

Edit: Holy wow, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I know this is a tough topic to speak about and I feel way less alone in it now. I was kind of a mess today and your advice and insights have been so helpful. Therapy is definitely a must for the two of us.

Sometimes I daydream that my dx husband, my kids (including one dx kid), and I live in a condo in a big city where we don't have to maintain a house or yard. We would both work full-time jobs and our kids would be in an aftercare program every day. Sometimes I even dream that there would be no driving! Like maybe we would take a bus places.

My reality is that we do live in an older home that needs constant fixing, I work part-time and my schedule is inconsistent, which seems to be really stressful for my husband. Childcare coverage, since we don't need it every day, is a constant stresser and is overwhelming for my husband to participate in. There is a basement of junk and forgotten hobbies that will be there forever and bother me every day. Basically, my husband is really great at routine and working, and juggling everything else makes him very unpleasant because the executive functioning required is more than he has.

Any one living my dream?

I recently broke up with my partner (n dx) who was labelled as “borderline” and technically undiagnosed when he was younger. However, he does have medication but his symptoms are fairly strong, and I think they’ve really intensified due to a lack of diagnosis in childhood. He kept getting worse through our relationship and we couldn’t find a way to meet in the middle.

It leads me to wonder what it’d be like if he dated someone else? I recognize that I was codependent and therefore willing to put up with a lot of his bs, but I find it hard to imagine that most people with typical relationship expectations would be willing to put up with it for long, especially now when the idea of red flags leading to instant breakups are prevalent.

Are there certain types of people who may be more predisposed to handling ADHD? When you look at your friends with neurotypical partners, could you envision them handling an ADHD partner? If I told my friends about dealing with what most people here similarly struggle with, they’d see him as an awful person.

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

I have been struggling a lot recently with my undiagnosed DX partner, and I could really use some validation just to make sure I am not going insane here. We are in a particularly bad patch at the moment. Whenever I bring up the things I am not getting in our relationship, like a loss of connection due to her inattentiveness, she immediately gets defensive. She will say she is hurt and then go on the offensive by saying truly hurtful things, which I obviously do not retaliate against.

After she has calmed down and apologized, she tries to normalize her behavior by saying that every couple fights and says mean things. Her justification is often that she could always be much meaner, but chose not to be. I have tried to get her to speak with a professional about a potential diagnosis, but she turns it back on me and says I am the one who needs to get help.

This feels like typical RSD, but it is hard not to also feel responsible somehow. I hate asking her to seek help because I do not want to come across as mean. She has actually acknowledged in the past that there might be some truth to a diagnosis, but she completely forgets about that the second we start arguing. I have asked her to look into this many times before, but there has been zero action on her end. As a guy, the way my brain works is that if there is a problem, it needs to be solved right away. But because of her constant lack of action is really affecting how I show up in the relationship. It makes me feel like she does not care, which just brings me right back to feeling completely unheard.

We are at a pivotal moment in our relationship where we are talking about having kids. I do not want to start trying for a baby if we cannot sort out how to navigate conflict first. In response, she guilt trips me and says I am the one who is going to strip her of the ability to have kids, since we are both 36 (been together for four years). I am really at a loss here and would appreciate any input or advice.

I’m the wife of a husband (dx and medicated) who frequently will subscribe to various trials related to shopping memberships, software/applications, and other similar monthly things. The intentions are good, like he wants to save money on something or wants to try a product, however he often forgets to cancel and I am the person who pays attention to our tight budget.

I’m patient, I understand this is a habit that will likely not change. But if I stop and look back at our statements, I add up missed cancellations and I get angry over the added up costs that could go to things we need. If I bring it up, he gets upset and defensive. Looking for advice on how to manage this reoccurring situation as a partner, whether it’s from other partners here or those who are the dx partner.

Not sure if this is the correct place for this question. But how do you and or your ADHD partner manage airports especially airport security.

Every time we go through airports my beautiful better half struggles with the lights the sounds and especially security. She has a sunflower lanyard and in the UK we make the airport aware of here ADHD. But security seems to always be an issue. There are a number of occasions when she has had a complete panic attack and seems to be picked on all the dx time. The last time we were coming back from Fuerteventura she got very agitated and they searched her because they thought either she was carrying something or I was making her do something against her will. They searched all her baggage and searched her for stuff and would not let me be there with her.

Another one was in Heathrow a security lady hit my other half on the hand while she was searching her bags. My other half was just trying to show the security lady that she had missed a pocket that had stuff in it. She was threatened with being not allowed on the flight if she did it again. As you can imagine that sent her ADHD off the scale. Sorry for the long post. But have you experienced anything similar and how do you cope with it.

Oh also I am very very dyslexic which probably doesn't help.

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

Dx girlfriend constantly interrupts me and it is getting on my nerves. My first language isn’t English and I do take some time to think about what I say. Sometimes I will say the wrong word and she will immediately interject and correct me. Or I’ll be telling a story, or something I saw in the news, and she will interject and tell me I’m wrong. I don’t know, she makes me feel like I’m wrong all the time. I have done my best to be patient with her and have talked to her about this, that if she gave me just a couple seconds to finish my sentence, that I’ll be able to explain fully what I wanted to say or what I was feeling. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to talk to her when I’m feeling mentally unwell and instead of being given the time to actually speak, my feelings are explained to me instead.

Today she did it again, I was already having a shitty day, and I got fed up. While she interrupted me I talked over her and said that “well if you just let me talk for even a couple seconds, you would understand what I’m talking about instead of trying to explain my own feelings to me”, she went quiet for a couple seconds and told me that I speak too slowly. That I pause for a couple seconds so how is she supposed to know if I’m done talking or not. I was so flabbergasted that I didn’t even know what to say. I feel like every time I say something wrong or say the wrong word, she always rushes to correct me, or if I take “too long” she inserts her own thought on what I may be feeling instead of actually just listening. I’m not sure how to tackle this, it makes me not want to talk to her. It’s just frustrating that there wasn’t any apology from her, but that my way of speaking is inconvenient for her.

Hi all

Not sure if this is the place to go, but I need some advice. My dx girlfriend misplaced an envelope of money around a year ago. It wasn't a small amount by any means, but not a savings account amount either. I'd say it corresponds to half a rent payment.

When she initially couldn't find them, she (understandably) panicked for quite a while and would regularly search for them - to no avail. We've searched everywhere.

Now, a year later, she still occassionally panics about not being able to find them, leading to an hour or so of frustration, anger, and stress. And at this point, I don't know what to do about it. I really want her to find peace about this, and - egotistically - I also want peace from it now.

I want to be supportive. I want to help. But I can't magically make the money appear.

How would you approach this, a year in to the situation?

Partner of dx & mx. I feel like I have put a lot energy into being more understanding of my partners challenges with this disorder. I feel like I’m in a place now where I can genuinely see that his behaviour is not intentional. Things that present as selfish and lazy really are a direct result of the way his brain is wired and he is often just as disappointed with himself over his failures as other people.

BUT I have also realised that knowing and understanding that certain things are on hard mode for him doesn’t make it less annoying when he constantly fails to follow through on his word, is always late, is moody etc. Whether it’s his “fault” or not the fact is I can’t rely on him for anything, and that’s a bummer to say the least.

Did you research the disorder to try to understand your partners brain? Did having a better understanding help at all? He’s a genuinely good person under this disorder, so can it actually get better?

My husband and I are both dx and medicated for ADHD. We were both late-diagnosed, me at 29 and him at 27. I went all-in on learning how to manage mine. I did the hyperfocus deep dive, built systems, routines, external supports—basically a million “side quests” to function on most days. He, however, is still in the "medication only is good enough" loop.

He’s in therapy, but it’s focused on some pretty serious childhood stuff (which I fully support), but his ADHD is still completely unmanaged and honestly out of control. And it’s bleeding into every part of our life.

- his impulse control is rough—especially with spending money and food.

-He cannot keep up with basic household responsibilities

-He’s extremely forgetful,

-He borderline hoards (his mom was a hoarder, so there’s some history there)

-Planning ahead is basically nonexistent—bills, timing, scheduling… all of it falls on me

-We are always late, and it’s almost always because of him

-His sleep is awful — stays up super late, doomscrolls, then is exhausted and nonfunctional the next day

I get it. I really do. If I don’t stick to my structure, I spiral too. But the difference is I’ve built that structure and I fight to maintain it.

We have a 4.5-year-old son (also diagnosed—starting parent behavioral therapy next week and OT in October 🙃 shoutout to waitlists) and a 7-month-old baby. I genuinely do not have the bandwidth to manage another adult’s executive function on top of everything else.

What’s really hard is that I’ve tried to share systems, tools, ideas—things that work—but he won’t or can’t implement them consistently. And I’m stuck in this awful loop of either doing everything myself, or letting things fall apart, and neither is sustainable. I don’t want to be his parent. I don’t want to micromanage another adult.

How do you support a partner with ADHD who isn’t actively managing it/kick him in the right direction?

I’d really appreciate any tips/tricks/ideas if you've got any!

(I know the "get out while you still can" comments are coming...that is also on the table/an option that I am considering but just not quite "there" yet.)

My partner (33M) formally dx for 3 years started medication about 6 weeks ago. We've been together 6 years.

In the last couple of weeks there has significant behaviour/personality changes.

He has been a lot calmer, more attentive, more emotionally regulated. Seems to be struggling less with executive functioning (ease of doing chores/non preffered tasks has increased).

But he has also been talking a lot about regrets and apologising to me about not being as attentive, invested and present as he should have been throughout our relationship. A lot of thanking me for sticking by him and saying that he wished he'd realised how much he'd been missing out on me and us sooner.

He's always cared and he's always been kind, and he's always tried. It just seemed very hard and overwhelming for him. Like he was trying so so hard and still coming up short. But in the last couple of weeks its changed.

He's also been planning more activities for us to do, being very attentive to my needs, feelings, menstural cycle etc., doing more smaller things to let me know I'm loved. Genuinely realising how his words and actions are affecting me - not always getting it right, but paying more attention when he doesn't.

But I am uncertain? Uncomfortable almost some of the time. Like having him say and do things that I have wanted for years is making me a bit wary.

I guess I'm wanting to know if other people have been through this? I'm sort of just expecting it to all stop as sudden as it started almost. Have other people experienced what feel like drastic changes when there partner is medicated?

I'm not sure if I used the right flair. I'm not sure who else to talk to about this unease. I have spoken to him. And he's realistic about it. He hopes that this "clarity" stays and is afraid of losing it again. He says he understands why I'm wary.

EDIT: I will get to everyone's comments in a couple of days. I don't have the time to give people answers the attention they deserve until after the weekend. Thank you everyone for your input so far

My dx rx spouse is a handful, like most everybody's here. Every time we argue I feel like I'm arguing with a toddler who has the brain the size of a pea. Much to my fault, it almost always ends up with me not being able to keep my cool anymore and making a reference to them being stupid to some degree because unlike a NT person, they just never understand my point.

I don't have kids besides my spouse, but how do you all keep from hurling an insult or two when it's like talking to the dumbest person on the planet who just can't see when they're wrong?

My husband (dx) and I will be married for 25 yrs this month. We had sex last night after 3.5 yrs of nothing. We'd had several conversations about it but it got more serious about 2 months ago & we both agreed that's what we wanted but things had gotten awkward after going so long with no intimacy & hardly any affection. But I took the initiative last night. I used to be resentful that i had to initiate 90% of the time but i found out what happens if i don't. We've had a talk about this & have an action plan. We've done a lot of work in 25 yrs & its been very difficult...seemingly impossible at times. But we are committed & despite ADHD symptoms we know that we both love & respect each other. I guess I'm just saying that there is hope!🙂 I don't know where else i can talk about this & people can actually relate & empathize.

My dx husband said this and I genuinely don’t understand what he means. Aren’t those the two most important things you want from a marriage? We have been married for ten years… I’m so confused.

My dx husband is raw dogging his ADHD. He was was diagnosed almost 2.5 years ago and after the initial 6 months where he was trialling various medications with his Psychiatrist until he found the "right" one, he stopped any form of therapy, doesn't take medication and does absolutely nothing to improve his life and help his condition.

I am at the point where I simply do not care about his ADHD. I can't accept it as an excuse for his complete and utter disregard for his own wellbeing and how much that impacts me, our marriage and also our children, and family life in general.

I have my own mental health diagnosis and physical disability. I am doing my best to manage the home and my children (also dx) and I have no energy to be there for him.

Is this the normal that has to be accepted/tolerated in these relationships? Are we supposed to just go on with it?

I sometimes feel intense guilt for feeling this level of nothing towards him, but also don't know how I could build up the energy to care. I don't want to be his executive function. I don't want to have to remind him to do this and that. I just fkn want him to do something. And yes, I am in therapy myself but my resentment runs insanely deep.

And he will act like the smallest support he provides is HUGE, like he did the dishes twice last month. Amazing but I am not clapping for that. I don't even see that as support. The bar is so low.

I am really struggling to work out how to be seen or heard in this relationship. Does it happen? Can an ADHD spouse meet your needs ever?