r/ADHD_partners

My n dx boyfriend (we suspect audhd) doesn't brush his teeth as often as I'd like him too. His reason for not brushing his teeth in the morning is "I'll smoke on my way to work" or "I haven't finished my redbull yet" or "I'm eating again in like 2 hours".

His reason in the evening is mostly "I'm too tired" or "It's not like I'm seeing someone in my sleep" or "Why would I brush my teeth now if the first thing I do in the morning is brushing my teeth?".

It pisses me off because his breath smells, especially because he smokes (+/- 🍃), but also because he just does not give a fuck and then gets mad when the dentist tells him to brush his teeth better.

And I hate asking him to please brush his teeth because I'm not his mom. Those are also his words: "you're not my mom".

Advice? Or support haha?

I am a NT, my spouse that I live with is DX. I put "anticipation anxiety" in quotes because that's what came up when I googled it.

Basically, anytime I'm in a separate room from my spouse, I have about 10 to 40 minutes of alone time, before my spouse decides to enter the room, and say "can I hang out with you?" or they sit there for a few minutes and then leave and say "ok, I guess I will stop bothering you and leave now".

I love my spouse, and we spend every day together, before and after work. And we go on dates on the weekend.

So, how do bring up a discussion about not interrupting when I am trying to decompress or focus on a solitairy task like reading or graphic design or painting and so on?

The anticipation anxiety is interrupting my flow state, and I don't know what to do, besides leave and go to a library.

Wife dx,rx - Think I mentioned on one thread about how my wife will just say something. It often tactless, not necessary or just plain something to think but not say.

Happens ALL the time with here. She'll say it and it won't be REALLY bad but it makes you think "Riiighhhht. OK then" if that makes sense. An example I gave was I was doing DIY and having a bad time so she says "well it won't be done until next winter". Not needed - read the room.

I can only imagine how something will land when its a work colleague or someone you don't know that well. Some of the things she says if a work colleague said to me I wouldn't say anything but I'd be like "well you can do one".

Anyway, seems like 2 or 3 people in work have taken offence and reported her. As such, her probation has been extended. Its a little unfair because I think these people have ganged up a little on her and manager has overreacted.

Knowing my wife and how she does it to me. Its not done maliciously AT ALL. She means no harm by any of it. Its very annoying at times and she maybe could try to keep a bit quiter BUT....

She explained one time how she said something like "well where I used to work...." and this was in an environment where there were others around from outside the company. Not something that should have been said and she agreed. At the time I just thought "yep I can imagine you saying that" - and I also thought "yep I can imagine how that landed as well".

Employer does not know about her ADHD. I think she needs to tell them to explain some of this.

BUT if I mention it and says she does the same to me it might not end well. Any suggestions how to broach the subject?

Credit where credit is due, my Partner DX has come along my in many ways with the help of therapy. Something have gotten worse but a lot of things have gotten better.

So, special occasions. Is it typically for ADHD people to sabotage or have issues with special occasions?

Christmas, Easter, Thanks Giving, any type of vacation is fraught with danger. The potential for a meltdown or explosion. Birthdays are hit or miss, normally miss.

Im also not one to place a lot of emphasis on my own birth but yesterday i turned 40. I spent a few days visiting a good old friends solo finished with a 2 day guys trip which i am very grateful for being able to do and my wife not having an issue with that. But no Happy birthday, no card, no little slice of cake. I don't even want or need anything else but man what a deflating way to finish the day and decade. No interaction, "how was the trip", "glad your home"

Got home and she stayed in the bedroom for most of the night.

I get it though, i get tired too and having a 5 year old can be tough.

SO in 60s, dx with ADD, taking strattera past 2 years

I am wondering if those with senior-aged partners have witnessed the development of cognitive impairment/dementia? How was it differentiated from the ADD symptoms?

Use this thread to blow off steam about annoyances both big & small that come with an ADHD impacted relationship. Dishes not being done, bills left unpaid - whatever it is you feel you need to rant about. This is your cathartic space.

I feel a bit sad about this, but my partner she was dx with ADHD about a year ago, and she is medicated but doens't go to therapy (only to get her scrip renewed).

Over the years, my hobbies have fallen away, my friends have fallen away and all i have is work and this relationship. We've been together quite some time and she's pushing marriage.

I feel so stuck and sad, i keep hoping she would get better but she doesn't. I spend my time walking on eggshells a round her, worried my tone will set her off or a word i say will set her off and if i do set her off she goes ballistic saying how i'm "uncaring" "i'm a shit partner" "i don't care about her mental health" when i try and care so much.

I feel so drained, but this is like my life now? my life is managing her, managing someone with a disability.

Wife DX. An example from yesterday which happens a LOT.

Sat around all day until about 5pm. I was working (it went badly) and I ended up working till 9pm.

Anyway 5pm wife decides to cut the grass, then do the weeds, then do something else outside. Till 10pm and its dark/

I end up back and fore sorting daughter out for food while shes still out there. Won't stop - its got to be done apparently. Bit peed off that the one day I get stuck working late she can't stop herself getting obsessed with something.

Does it all time. Its like her life runs in cycles. 2-3 days full on, looks like crap, struggles in work, then 2 days completely worn out does nothing. Then repeat .Doesn't make sense at all how you can be so obsessed with something.

Of course, in her head, there SO MUCH TO DO all the time....

Its strange to see and I worry that its getting worse and turning into a more serious mental illness.

Is this sort of thing to be expected with ADHD? What should I do - let her get on with it like this?

The end of a relationship with an ADHD loved one can be tumultuous, confusing and leave a lasting impact. Use this thread to temporarily process a recent breakup with an ADHD individual, discuss co-parenting issues, share encouragement for life after the relationship etc. With the goal of ultimately decentering an ADHD ex 

(Note: Asking about leaving a partner and requests to speculate on behavior or symptoms are still prohibited.)

My husband, dx and rx, seems to lack the ability to take responsibility for ANYTHING. I’m wondering if this is an adhd/RSD thing. He got two tickets for speeding in a work zone and it’s the cities fault for nickel and diming him, if he gets the kids to school late it’s the schools fault for locking the door. It’s endless and I’m so over it.

Wife DX and RX. Now I'm pretty sure she just does not understand what she is doing and there is no malice behind BUT its hard to deal with.

Example. Yesterday she asked me to get lawnmower out for her because she was doing grass in 30 mins. 25 mins (I was just on my to do it) - she says "Oh I thought you'd have done it by now".

Hmm. Right. OK. You know what I mean? Not the end of the world but a little tiny bit "off". Something where no comment at all was really necessary. She'd asked me to do something in 30 mins, it was being done, no commentary needed.

She gets in loads of trouble at work. She admitted the other day. She said something about "Ok but in my last place they did this". I can imagine shes done the same - made a comment that was probably the same. These are work people not her husband so I can imagine it didn't go down well.

Comments on things when really there is no need at all. Doesn't even seem to see how things land and is oblvious.

Related to this she'll make a comment that is totally badly timed. I was doing DIY the other day (hate DIY and rubbish at it) and was getting well stressed. So she says "It might be done by next summer"...

I just think Jeez read the room here. You might be joking but can't you see at this moment I'm not going to find it funny,

Try to ignore it but any suggestions?+

My 40M DX RX husband started going to therapy. I even posted a bit about him before here. Everything seemed to be going well in that aspect. Prior to the last session, he told me some of what was being discussed and it all seemed healthy.

Yesterday, he told me he wants to separate "for now" because he "needs to come to terms with unhealthy aspects of the relationship" and he's "hoping I can look back too and come to a better understanding."

I am blindsided and in a state of shock. There was no warning of this, nothing. He's normally very loving and caring, so this is very much unlike him. The only thing I can possibly think of is that he might be off his meds, but I can't check that now. I want to try and stay with him if I can but this is seriously throwing me. Would being off meds cause someone to act this way? I feel like I'm grasping at straws here.

Hello folks. I've not long stumbled across this sub and it's been a real eye opener. My wife (F42 dx unmedicated) and I (M44 nt) have been married for 8 years but together for 20. She was diagnosed only two months ago and I'm on a very steep learning curve.

I've known something wasn't right for a long time but she started working at a school six years ago where she works with kids with ADHD and Autism, and its like it supercharged her symptoms to the point where we've been in a downward spiral ever since.

Needless to say I've been in world of shit for some time and I have many, many questions. The most burning one right now is how to deal with the instances of instant aggression that come from nowhere and disappear just as quickly.

An example from only today, everything was calm, I was waiting patiently for her to grab her food off the side in the kitchen, not in her way in the slightest. She turns around, looks at me and shouts 'what are you doing stood there. get out the way!' like she was furious at my mere presence. Less than 2 minutes later we're sat in the lounge eating and it's like it never happened, in fact in her mind it didn't.

I've tried to talk to her about it and she totally denies having ever done anything every time. Is there an effective way of dealing with this as it's an almost daily occurrence and I'm just constantly bummed out by it all.

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

My dx partner suffers from severe rsd. She wants me to initiate every romantic interaction. She spirals after every setback in our personal lives and sulks when I want to do things with my friends.

Any tips on handling the negative rsd episodes after asking for a break from binge watching her shows to hang out with friends? Or how to comfort her when a water pipe bursts? I'm to the point where I just want to say "it is what it is" and just walk away.

I don't know how to word it better, but there is this "zone" that usually lasts 1-3 hours, it starts with simple whining about something into full blown misinfo/delusion/exaggerating(I am assuming she[dx] does this to get me to say something)

Like, it gets bad enough she would claim something was "always like this" (it wasnt) pointing it out causes rsd, and grey rocking causes her to lash out even more till I cant take it.

My questions... I can feel when an episode is coming, but I cannot stop it when it starts, what I should do?

One thing I’ve been struggling with is that I rarely feel completely relaxed or present around my girlfriend. (Dx ADHD)

It feels like there always has to be something happening mentally something to discuss, something to plan, something in the future to think about, some issue to process, or something I need to respond to, or something i need to give reassurance for.

A common example is late at night. It might be 11pm and I’m exhausted and ready to switch off, and suddenly we’re discussing plans for something happening months or even a year from now.

In theory I could just say, “Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m tired.”

In practice, I often hesitate because that can be interpreted as rejection or disinterest. Then a simple boundary can turn into me explaining myself, reassuring her, watching my tone, or trying to prevent things from escalating.

I’ve realised this even happens during things that are supposed to be relaxing.

We went on a holiday together, and looking back, it never really felt like a holiday to me. I never got that feeling of just being somewhere together and enjoying the moment. There was always another plan to discuss, another future thing to think about, another emotional situation, or me being conscious of how I was speaking.

I miss just being somewhere with another person and being present.

Sitting together without needing to discuss the future. Walking somewhere and just enjoying it. Watching a movie without another conversation starting. Going to bed without suddenly planning something six months away.

Instead, part of my brain seems to constantly be running through:

• How is my tone coming across?
• Could this be interpreted as rejection?
• Is she becoming upset?
• Do I need to reassure her?
• What are we planning next?
• Is setting a boundary going to create an even bigger interaction?

That constant mental activity is probably what drains me the most.

It isn’t that I expect a relationship to involve zero planning or emotional conversations. Obviously those things are necessary. What I’m struggling with is the feeling that there is almost never an “off” mode where we can simply exist together without processing, planning, discussing, or managing something.

Over time, I think I’ve started associating being around my partner with being mentally alert rather than relaxed.

For people who have experienced this dynamic with a DX partner, particularly where rejection sensitivity is involved: what helped create more space for simply being present together, while also allowing you to set boundaries around when you have the capacity for planning or heavier conversations?

I’m not looking for dating advice or trying to attribute every relationship issue to ADHD. I’m specifically interested in how other partners have handled this feeling of constant mental stimulation, future-focused conversation, and hyper-awareness around tone and emotional reactions.

I genuinely believe my dx girlfriend loves and has told me she wants me as a husband.

I just dont understand why. Yes, I am incredibly reliable, kind, supportive and encouraging to her and I take care of her.

But those are just acts of service. What about me? The person. She doesn't ask about my inner world or why I believe what I believe. We could spend the whole day never talking about myself as long as i ask her abkut her.

Why does she want to marry someone she doesnt try to understand. And yes it fucking hurts not feeling like your partner actually knows you for you

As stated, newer partner has dx ADHD and time blindness is an issue. He's trying to implement strategies, but his handwritten ​strategies remind me of the conspiracy board Charlie makes in Its Always Sunny.

I'm unsure how to navigate this. How far do I lower my expectations? How much assistance is appropriate without stepping into a carer role? I'd like him to be somewhat close to being on time, but I don't want him to be dependent on my reminders (which I feel can slip very easily into resembling nagging).

I nurture my dx medicated partner a lot by letting her come into my arms, etc when she needs it. But it's rarely reciprocated. And it's very hard because I would love to be nurtured by her, too. Do you have similar experiences? I have spoken with her about it several times, and still nothing has been received