DX husband, quiet RSD. What helps when they shut down?
DX husband, 40M.
My husband has ADHD, and I’m trying to figure out how to support him when his RSD gets really bad.
He’s a very sweet person. He’s kind, gentle, and he really does try. When we have hard conversations, he doesn’t yell or get mean. He doesn’t turn it around on me. He usually listens. It's just that when he feels rejected, he shuts down hard.
It can be from an actual conversation, but it can also be something small. A friend not texting back. Someone seeming off. Him worrying he said something weird. Then he starts spiraling that his friends secretly hate him or are just putting up with him. He doesn’t take it out on me. He just gets really quiet and depressed. It’s like he disappears into himself.
I know a lot of people here have partners whose RSD comes out as anger, blame, or defensiveness. That sounds awful, and I’m not trying to compare or minimize that. In our case, it mostly turns inward, and I don’t always know what to do with that.
I reassure him, but sometimes that turns into a loop. He feels better for a minute, then the fear comes right back. I don’t want to ignore him when he’s hurting, but I also don’t want to become the person responsible for talking him out of every spiral. It hurts to see him upset and cry, I have to be honest.
What helps in the moment? What makes it worse? How do you support them without taking the whole thing onto yourself?