u/AdmirableSecond242

I (F40) have been with husband (M47) for 20 years.

We have had ups and downs like anyone. 3 kids, mortgage, our own business. Very normal run of the mill couple. For everyone here, there are no MAJOR hurdles to overcome (infidelity, addiction issues, financially fine, etc).

I am ABSOLUTELY owning my side of the street here. We want to stay together and we know our marriage could be better. It is fine, better than functional but not the best it could be. We want to be more than roommates, we want to make this work and thrive. I have spent the past 6 months improving myself, doing the hard work. I am in no way perfect but I wouldn't recognize myself from 1 year ago and it has bled over to him in the best way. So, I very much take my share of the blame for how he feels about himself. A shell of his former self, emasculated, less than, was scared to share with me (I had rage problems, been in therapy and Rageaholics Anonymous). He knows how he didn't help himself in any of those categories either, it is a vicious cycle we are trying to break every day and doing a great job. Growth only happens in the light.

For the past few months it has just been about gaining back trust to just be a safe place, the boring but important steady person without starting fights, be warm. Now, I am ready for the next step. I have proven by actions not words that I am changing, receptive to constructive criticism and want a better relationship.

For those that have made it here to the end, especially those in long relationships. How can a woman breathe life back into a man? How can I bring color back to life? How can I support him to be the best he wants to be?

I hope this all makes sense. Thank you everyone!

Edit: My responses are not showing up for some reason. let me clarify a few things. 1. We are in couples counseling. I just wanted to expand beyond one persons advice and knowledge. especially from people who have been through similar situations. 2. I am under no grand disillusionment that 6 months and all should be good. I understand slow and steady is the name of the game. It is his timeline to heal, I am not rushing it or being impatient with him on that. I posted here so instead of putting the work on him to answer, I thought I would get advice from this subreddit. 3. I am very much ok with being told by this subreddit that I am an abuser that needs a ton of help. But if you are going to respond, please try to be constructive with your criticism, I came on here to get advice and I want to take it all in. Maybe the breathe life into him was corny.. but I was trying to ask how do I support him so he can heal.

Is there any books that discuss different types of anger/rages? Long story short, I am done with my anger issues. My rage. I recently joined Rageaholics Anonymous (based on AA teaching). Please keep comments about AA to yourself, not the space. My husband and I got into a fight and he said I was raging. I sat there thinking, no I am not. I am not yelling (big problem!), not interrupting, none of my usual "in your face obvious" rage clues. But there were more subtle ones that can turn into my rage.

It terrified me. I didn't even know that is where I was. I thought I am doing great.

So, are there books based on different types of Rages and how they might show up?

Thanks!

I am new to this subreddit. You can find my other posts of trying to get better. I am finding new tools for my toolbox to help with my anger management. I starting attending RA meetings, reading the book, getting a sponsor. Trying to work the program. I knew I had to do something different to break the cycle.

99% of my anger has been directed towards my husband. He has received the worst of the worst of me. Never physically abusive but emotionally/verbally. In couples therapy today, I told her 1 of the 2 worst things I have ever said to him (we ran out of time before I could address the next one). I have ruminated over it for the past 12 years. Every day. Every day is a long time to sit with it.

My question is how do I forgive myself for saying that? I am so ashamed of myself. But, I know I can't let it go or continue to work on myself until I do. It seems insurmountable. It seems too easy. Very contradictory I know. I am trying to take inventory and ask for forgiveness from others but I can't seem to reconcile that with myself.

Ugh. Long term marriage. 3 teens. Our own business. Together all the time. We are just fighting all the time. The stupidest things. Everything is getting on each other's nerves. Every interaction feels like it could explode or at least turn heated. Even nothing things. I am owning my own side of things. Things that we could usually just sigh and get over are becoming landmines. It is feeling hot (not in a good way) and claustrophobic. How best do you get out of this? I am so tired of talking to him(and I am sure the same the other way around). How do you get out of this funk? Going on a date seems fine. Vacation is a no... For a myriad of reasons.

Tl;Dr husband and I seem to fight constantly right now over everything. Stupid things. How best to turn the heat down and reset?