r/selfimprovement

Hey, I am 20F and when somebody asks what do I most regret in life, it usually think back to this date I had. It was in high school and it was with this boy I really liked at the time. However, when we were out, I made really fucking weird and sexual jokes (and opened up about traumas and personal things you wouldn’t really tell anybody). Surprisingly, he gave me a second chance and he FaceTimed me. I then showed him… yeah some really sexual stuff ( I am too embarrassed to even write it on an anonymous post, it was that bad). He obviously stopped talking to me (rightfully so) and told his friends. I then kinda became that one creepy as girl in school and people would make fun of me and harass me for it.

It makes me sick of what I did. I had zero social awareness and was entirely socially inept. You’d think I had been molested as a child, but I have no recollection or suspicion of that happening. However, I was facing neglect and severe emotional abuse from my narcissistic dad. Soooo, it would be safe to say, I did what I did was because of daddy issues. I often confused sex for true closeness and connection because I didn’t really feel that I had much of that growing up.

I didn’t really put in perspective of what I did until I had a date later in college with a guy, who was not only weirder, but creepier than how I was back then. I hate that I made him feel the same kind of terrible uncomfortableness. Gaining more social skills made me realize how sick I was too. I am writing this on Reddit because this is probably my biggest regret in life and it eats me alive everyday. I hate how weird and creepy I was when I was younger, and I envy people who had a normal childhood (or at least didn’t make such awful decisions as I did). I want to run away from my hometown, I am so shameful and embarrassed.

I'm going to die alone. I'm too fucking ugly and depressed. It's out of my hands. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to cope with this feeling when I hit my lowest point? It feels like everything is pointless and I can't find enjoyment in anything when it hits. I always just sit around trying my best to fall asleep but since I have insomnia it's often impossible.

Please don't suggest therapy. It might work for others but it doesn't work for me.

I really don’t want to live. Not because my life is terrible or anything. I know in the future I’ll get to where I “want” in life. Having a great job and having good salary. I even have an amazing partner. My parents are supporting me in school, and I have sisters that are also pretty supportive. I have an amazing best friend too. My point is; I have good things in my life, good people, and good potential for the future. Yet I just don’t wanna do any of it. And I don’t wanna lay in bed either and be depressed either. I just don’t wanna be here anymore. What’s so wrong with that. And I can’t even say anything to my doc about this because he’ll prob tell me to go to a therapist and prescribe me more pills for “depression”, and yes I am medicated too. I just don’t want to do life at all. And I don’t know what to do about it…

I’m 21M and I recently broke up with my girlfriend, and since then I’ve been having a really hard time figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing with myself.

The breakup itself has been really difficult. I went from having someone I talked to every day and shared basically everything with to suddenly feeling like I’m completely on my own. I don’t really have anyone in my life that I feel like I can genuinely talk to about how I’m feeling, so most of the time I just keep everything in my head and deal with it by myself.

On top of that, I’m not doing well in school. I don’t feel motivated toward my degree, I don’t know what I want to do for a career, and I don’t really feel passionate about anything. I see other people my age who seem like they’re building careers, making friends, finding things they care about, and moving forward with their lives, while I feel like I’m just existing without actually going anywhere.

The only real exception is soccer. I genuinely love playing. When I’m on the field, it’s one of the few times where my brain actually shuts off and I’m completely focused on something. I look forward to games and I care about improving, but obviously soccer alone can’t give me an entire direction in life.

Lately everything has just started to feel pointless. I wake up, go to work or deal with school, go home, distract myself with whatever I can, sleep, and repeat it. Sometimes I genuinely feel worthless because I look at my life and don’t really see anything that I’m particularly good at or anything that I’m working toward. I know logically that I’m only 21 and I have a lot of time to figure my life out, but knowing that doesn’t really make the feeling go away.

The breakup made all of this hit me at once. Before, even when other parts of my life weren’t going well, at least I had my relationship and someone I loved to come home and talk to. Now that’s gone too, and I’ve realized how little I have outside of it. It feels incredibly lonely.

I don’t want to spend the next few years just drinking, playing video games, scrolling through my phone, or doing whatever else I can to avoid thinking about how unhappy I am. I want friends. I want something I’m passionate about. I want to actually care about my future and feel like I’m building toward something. I just genuinely have no idea how to get from where I am now to that point.

Has anyone else reached their early 20s or really any age and felt like their life had absolutely no direction? Especially after losing a serious relationship? How did you start rebuilding your life when you didn’t really have a support system or even know what you wanted?

I’m not necessarily looking for some perfect answer. I think I just need to hear from people who have been in this kind of place before and eventually made it out.

I’ve been a NEET for almost 8 years now, ever since COVID hit and I dropped out of college.

Being stuck at home all day with no structure destroyed my mental health. I have severe social anxiety to the point where looking people in the eye or searching for a job terrifies me. Because of this isolation, I turned to PMO as my primary coping mechanism.

Now I’m trapped in a cycle: Social anxiety → Isolation → PMO for cheap dopamine → Guilt & brain fog → More anxiety.

I know I need to fix my life, but trying to cure a PMO addiction while living as a NEET feels impossible when you have all the free time in the world and nowhere to go.

Has anyone here successfully broken out of the NEET + PMO loop with extreme social anxiety? Where do I even start when leaving the house scares me?

Went in expecting to feel better within a few months. Instead spent most of the first six months just learning to notice my own patterns before I could do anything about them.

Real change didn't show up until the second half of the year, and even then it was quiet — more like noticing I'd handled something differently than usual, not some big breakthrough moment.

If you're a few months in and nothing feels different yet, that might just be normal.

Hi, I know it may seem like a stupid question, but let me explain.

I’ve (M30) been in a relationship for 9 years and it ended up a month and a half ago. The main reason was our codependency. She needed emotional support to the point it was unbearable for me to help with her anxiety (also bc I was the only one to give her support), while I unconsciously used her to avoid dealing with my biggest flaw, which is my fear of making choices.
I don’t know if I can explain how I feel. It seems like my ability to make choices is numb, like an old car that’s never been used for a long time and now it’s really hard to start the engine.
I want to get back to her so bad bc I love her, but I know it’s also bc I miss the comfort zone which was our relationship and that’s not a solid basis to restart my life with her.
I had to accept that the only way I can get back to her is by first becoming a full person by myself. I can’t be with her if my incompleteness brings me to spontaneously use her as a shield to avoid dealing with my flaws.

That being said, I really don’t know how to live my individuality. Sure, this relationship drained me of a lot of energy, but it worsened a problem that was already there before meeting her.
Ever since I was a kid I had a hard time interacting with people. I was really shy and introverted. I isolated myself a lot and I was lazy.

To me, having to deal with people has always been a hell of a challenge against myself: I constantly wonder what to say or do next, how I’m being perceived, it’s a constant judgment.

Probably this constant self-judging made it hard for me to dive into my thoughts. I learned to think with other people’s minds and therefore I never learned to listen to my own thoughts. I learned that having my own thoughts was bad if expressing them lead to harsh reactions.

“If my own opinions create negative reactions I am inherently bad”.

I don’t know exactly how I got to this amount of guilt. Maybe a combination of my parents’ heavy and frequent judgment my mother’s huge apprehensiveness and my father’s inability to control his emotions (mostly rage).
Yet I can’t tell if this is enough to justify the hate I feel for myself, the low self esteem and suicidal thoughts. Yes, my parents have flaws but I wouldn’t say they are bad parents.

Nonetheless it saddens me to not be able to dive into my passions (drawing, music, theatre). I know I can do a lot of things, yet I never made an exhibition, I never completed more than one song and played live bc I always spiral into doubts and so I’m not able to end a single project.

I’d feel more complete and confident if I was able to interact with people, make my passions grow and be more productive.

But I feel miserable. I panic bc I don’t know what to do during the day, I always end up doom scrolling and overthinking, while I see people going out with lots of friends, travelling the world,pursuing plans for the future. I don’t go out bc I fear people might see what a loser I am, I have few friends and they never go out or travel (unless with their gf/bf), I don’t have plans for the future. I see no point in living this life. Everywhere I turn I see a wall. I know it’s in my head but it seems indestructible, the weight is becoming more and more unbearable.
In September I’ll start a new job and having a routine will surely help but I feel so sick of myself. I want to be able to be on my own, what can I do?

P.S.: I already go to therapy and take antidepressants.

I’m 25 years old and entering a new phase in life, just graduated from grad school, new job, new city, and I feel like I need to just start over. My long term relationship is very precarious right now and I’m just not happy at all with where I am in life. I have this urge to just completely stop talking to my old friends from grad school (friendships were not super deep) because I feel like they don’t fit in my new life that I might be entering. Everyone is in a relationship as well and I feel like if I’m single in the future then these friends (all who are extremely relationship centered and honestly I feel like were pretty surface level) will make me feel so much more sad and isolated. I don’t even feel comfortable telling any of these friends about the relationship struggles I’m going through. I don’t know if I’m being irrational and crazy. I have friends from high school and college in this new city and I feel like I should be reconnecting with them or just trying to make new friends instead and working more on myself, because my grad school friends don’t make me happy.

I am 18 btw

It's been more then a month since I last watched corn, I was getting a lil bit addicted to it and I realized that was just slowly slowly killing my desire to love someone and just making me make distance from the person I used to like, then I read somewhere that watching it more then a certain limit does makes u feel like that and it just completely changes your definition of love, I even started fantasizing a lot, like I couldn't sleep before fantasizing, life was becoming more like a trash and I was becoming more animal then human (not exactly in that wild way which u might think of, but was just not getting the exact same love feel which I used to get before)

So then one random day I thought that its enough now and from now on I won't watch it anymore

And trust me it feels way more lighter inside now, I really think of fantasizing as a disgusting thing now, like I am like... eww I don't even wanna do that in dream now🤮

I am really grateful that I realized this in time before loosing anything serious, tho it did caused some permanent harm in my situationship with my crush but that's ok as it could have been worse

Now all I wanna do is to experience true love in my life and to live some beautiful moments with someone

At last I would like to say a big thanks to.all the ppl here who did some posts which made me take this small but big step before it's too late, thank u community!!

I have a long-standing pattern of brushing off mistreatment, lack of effort, and disrespect while I’m in a situation, only to look back later and realize how much I over-tolerated.

Looking back, this started with my family dynamics. For a long time, I tried to be nice, giving, and forgiving no matter how I was treated. The good news is that I’m actively changing this: I'm learning to give back what I receive, and I’ve already started standing up for myself much more with my family. But it's still an ongoing process

The Workplace Situation

\>At my previous job, a clique of coworkers hated me from day one. Their initial hostility was pure prejudice—they disliked me simply because I am non-white and visibly Muslim. At the time, I was already so exhausted and dealing with so much outside of work that I just wanted peace and wanted things to keep running smoothly without extra conflict. So, I ignored it. Eventually, things softened, and we became somewhat friendly (having lunch occasionally).

I quit after three years, and now that I’m out of that environment, the memories haunt me. For instance, at a group dinner, a coworker casually bragged about the horrible names she used to call me before we became "friends." I brushed it off then just to survive the workday, but now I ask myself: if she truly considered me a friend, why say that? ( after I quit never heard from them again nothing surprising...)

Patterns in My Friendships

I’m noticing the same pattern in my friendships:

\> \* Friend 1: We catch up maybe 3 times a year and have amazing, deep conversations, but she takes an absurdly long time to reply to my messages. I spent so long being "understanding" (since I take my time too, though never to her extreme), but now I regret giving her so many free passes.

\> \* Friend 2: We’ve been friends for 11 years since school, but I realized I couldn't share anything personal or painful with her. Whenever I tried, I felt judged. The friendship started feeling completely one-sided, like a routine formality rather than genuine support.

Moving Forward

\>At the time, I made excuses or stayed passive because I was overwhelmed and just trying to keep the peace. Now that I’m out of these dynamics, I see how little effort or respect I was receiving in return.

I’m fully committed to standing up for myself more in the future (and as I mentioned, I’m already practicing this with family). But how do I stop making excuses for people in the moment? How do I catch these red flags early instead of waiting until the friendship or job is over to realize I was being taken for granted?

Ps: maybe deep down I know and I want to just avoid the drama and be at peace?

For the longest time, I've been hearing from others that I just need to "love myself." That sounded like cliche therapy speak to me. Love myself? What? How can I love myself when I can barely identify myself as a separate person from others? That others perceive me and that I deserve the love I give?

Well, with this mentality I ended up in a string of bad relationships for 7 years. I also accepted disrespect from anyone and everyone. Compromising with little to no effort in return because I thought of myself as less than. Didn't see myself as an individual who also should be considered.

Try talking to yourself kindly for a week. Name the inner critics in your head, and tell them to shut up. It works wonders. My inner critic is called Richard. The people pleaser in me is called Missy Pissy.

Whenever I get a negative thought I say, "Shut up Richard." and whenever I think of compromising my own needs for someone else, I say "Get lost, Missy Pissy."

It sounds ridiculous and I thought that, too. Well, in the time of doing this for 2 weeks, I've left my emotionally abusive and cheating ex I was with for 4 years. I thought I would never leave him.

I'm getting job offers left and right, my skin has cleared, im happier, my life is lighter. Your thoughts shape your reality.

I've noticed I keep doing the same thing.

I find a new habit tracker or productivity app, use it every day for a while, feel motivated, and then eventually stop using it.

I'm curious if other people have the same experience.

For those of you who stopped using these kinds of apps, what made you quit?

Was it:

• having too many things to track
• missing a few days and losing motivation
• feeling guilty about broken streaks
• the system being too rigid
• not really knowing what you should be working toward
• or just getting bored with it?

And if you could design the ideal system for yourself, what would it actually do differently?

I'm more interested in what has worked or failed for people personally than recommendations for specific apps.

story time fellas - i get home around 6, tell myself i'll sit for 10 minutes, and then somehow it's 9:40, lights off, deep in my phone, every day. everyday i feel so tired. time at home is supposed to be recovery but my brain just keeps getting more foggy..

from last month i forced my self to stay away from sofa after work. get home, drop the bag, walk back out for 60 minutes. doesn't matter where. put on your airpods u feel like the world is yours lol. and every time after the walk i feel so refreshed and got motivation to cook, or hang out with friends.

been doing it about a month now. my pacer app says i've walked 43 miles of laps around my neighborhood, still lose the occasional night to the phone but it's like once a week instead of seven.

ps. i also lost 12 pounds :)

how you spend your 5-9 after your 9-5 could really change your life!!

Not advertising these but these are the books that totally helped me shift my mindset. I see people here asking all the time what books actually can help and the field is so crowded with AI slop or 50 page books regurgitating the same nonsense finding a decent one can seem impossible.

Here’s my personal top 11:

1. Atomic Habits - James Clear The clearest, most practical guide to building better systems. Shows how tiny daily improvements compound into massive change over time. Willpower is overrated; good systems win.
2. Mindset - Carol S. Dweck The definitive book on growth vs. fixed mindset. Once this clicks, failure stops feeling like a verdict and starts feeling like useful feedback. Foundational for almost every other area of self-improvement.
3. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Stephen R. Covey A timeless operating system for life. Covers prioritization, proactive thinking, and character in a way that still feels fresh decades later. Extremely practical.
4. How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie The gold standard on human connection. Simple principles that make relationships smoother and more genuine. Still one of the highest-ROI books you can read.
5. Grit - Angela Duckworth Passion combined with long-term perseverance beats raw talent more often than people admit. Excellent for building the mental toughness required to stick with hard goals.
6. Deep Work - Cal Newport In an age of constant distraction, the ability to focus intensely is a rare and valuable skill. This book will make you far more protective of your attention and time.
7. Thinking, Fast and Slow - Daniel Kahneman A masterclass in how your mind actually works — and how it systematically fools you. Improves decision-making more than almost any other single book.
8. Man’s Search for Meaning - Viktor E. Frankl Written by a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist. Offers profound perspective on suffering, purpose, and the freedom to choose your attitude no matter the circumstances.
9. The Power of Habit - Charles Duhigg Explains the science of habit loops in a clear, story-driven way. Pairs perfectly with Atomic Habits and helps you understand why habits form and how to change them.
10. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson Refreshingly honest and counterintuitive. Teaches you to stop wasting energy on things that don’t matter and focus on what actually does. A modern classic for a reason.
11. Meditations - Marcus Aurelius The private reflections of a Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher. Short, powerful reminders on resilience, self-discipline, perspective, and accepting what you can’t control. Still one of the most grounding books ever written.
12. Burn the F*cking Rule Book - L.M. Seer takes a different approach by showing the reader all the ways they have been pre-programmed to be average and then proceeds to build the mindset shift finally leading to the actions of building wealth, health and an unbreakable mindset.
13. Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins – One of the most intense self-improvement books I’ve ever read. This guy's mind frame cannot be shattered.

These are books that helped me. What’s one book that made the biggest difference for you? Any titles you think should have made the list?

I hit a point where I'd basically stopped hoping for anything. Tried everything, nothing moved, and hope just started feeling like a setup for disappointment.

Here's the part that still gets me my lowest point was literally right before the biggest shift in my life happened. Something I never saw coming completely changed my situation.

Now when things are rough, I try to hold onto one small thing: staying a little open to tomorrow, even when it feels pointless.

"Life is full of surprises. Stay hopeful for tomorrow, because your breakthrough can happen any day."

Anyone else had a moment like this?

ever since starting this job which i hate and dread i’m tired all the time. I’m depressed I can’t watch shows I can’t hang out I can’t go to events , i’m just too tired anymore :( literally the second i get home i fall asleep. i even fall asleep during work.

Before the basic suggestions…
My diet is fine, iv spoken to medical professionals about it. i started going to the gym a few months ago, made me even more tired and exhausted, i tried lighter workouts no change. yes i drink water please dont tell me that.

please help im so tired and sad i miss my life. i cant even sit through a 20 minute show.

Ive been lying constantly for no reason for years at this point, it has ruined my relationships. I dont know why i do it, most of the time its for things that genuinely wouldnt help to lie about. Im so fucking insecure about everything about me. I feel like im just isolated from anyone i know at this point. Im ashamed of everything i represent, im ashamed of my own thoughts, im ashamed of my actions, but i just cant fucking stop. Ive tried, time and time again. I feel like ive never been truly friends with people when we pass the "shared interests" stage of the relationship. I cling onto people as hard as i can, and i feel so bad for it. I dont know what to do with my life. I cope by fucking NSFW shit, and it makes me so sick every time. I hate porn. I hate it so fucking much. But my body just makes me consume it anyways. I feel so disgusting and hideous. And the worst part? I cant even go to a therapist, because im in a country where being gay is a crime against humanity, and the therapists i went to arent even good!

I just need help. I dont know how to get out of this massive pit i keep spiraling further into.

I just feel so powerless.

i know it’skinda superficial but how do you find more confident in regards to ur looks? people compliment but when i go online i instantly lose confidence seeing really beautiful people. i just want to feel good about myself

I have an extremely poor self-worth. I have self-love, but my self-worth is the worst. It's so low, that I don't even believe that I deserve to have a good self-worth. I don't talk to myself nicely because I don't believe that I deserve that, so positive affirmations have not worked for me. I take good care of myself physically and I have strict routines, so that is not an issue. The issue is that I don't believe that I deserve good things and don't accept myself as I am. How did you fix your poor self-worth?

M 20, neurotypical. Getting fit and confident didn't turn off my bully-magnet. Growing up I wasn't as handsome as i am right now, i was ostracized and then non-physically bullied up to the last day of high school (europe). The trauma is there (and I will talk to a therapist), when I met my partner's friend group i still felt like I was threatened and only later I realized this was the first time in my life I wasn't being preyed upon, but I still fucked it up because getting tense is a trauma response at this point. Either way, that was a rare exception, because whenever I try to be friendly with new people I always end up being looked upon as if I was some sort of circus animal, this goes as well for family and literal KIDS that will be making fun of me. Since I have 2-3 years of fighting experience I on rare occasions get physical to "defend my respect" (i know, cringe, but that's a literal panic response) and on those rare occasions I get laughed on, laughs like those literally keep me on at night. And don't get me wrong, i believe I have good social skills as I've had multiple self-respecting partners. I really want this torture to stop, I want to be in a group and don't want to off myself the moment I feel malicious intentions, I want to say a joke and not feel stared at as if I was an alien speaking a new language, I want to stop feeling threatened.