I have failed at life
Im about to turn 30 and I've achieved nothing with my life. I grew up wasting my time getting high and playing video games, eventually deciding at 20 that I wanted to try and make something with my life. I went to college late and got a degree in environmental biology. After graduation life looked promising when I immediately started to work with my state environmental agency.
After 5 years of working poverty wages for the agency and getting passed for promotions over and over again, I decided to jump ship into the wastewater industry. I have a more stable job but I dont feel fulfilled. I dont make much (60k) but I do get alot of time off that I am using to "catch up" on traveling - something I have missed out on in my younger years. I also have a gf that I am very much in love with. Still.. I feel like I failed at what I truly wanted out of life.
I thought I'd be doing something important and exciting, with an active role in conservation. But I failed because I refused to go to grad school due to the inability to support myself with stipends that cant even pay my rent, and because of the fact that I'm extremely introverted and dont attend networking events. I even tried attending one and it was a disaster and ending up just not feeling it and left after the first day. I'm just not built for the extroverted world of forcing myself to meet other people. I am very adverse to risk and I avoid alot of situations that require me to be social. Two very unattractive traits in the environmental field.
Now I feel like I'm stuck working a mundane and monotonous job where I know I am doing good for the environment but I dont feel like I am stimulating myself enough, or utilizing my worth. It doesnt help that when I go online, I see posts about some random person from kenya became a biologist or how some random kid with an engineering degree is filming some exotic turtles with a device he made. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I just wish I was doing SOMETHING with my life.
It's gotten to the point where I wake up incredibly depressed and I constantly think about how much I've fucked up with my life. I've worked hard but I have always been just short on being good enough for anything or anyone. I feel like I know what I need to do in order to be successful but I am unable to do it because I'm scared of instability. I dont want to go to grad school, miss out on 2 years of income and then jump back into the mess of job hunting with no guarantee of making something of it. Sometimes I feel like completely giving up and ending my life. I am sick of constantly feeling unhappy with myself and who I am.