u/Anikkdote

I've changed since i stopped using any of the substances. I became more prone to irritability. My long lost anger issues came back. I became depressed. All i would do in my free time is watch videos of animals on youtube and lay in my bed. I felt like shit, but i didn't know what was up with me.

I turned away from my 2 friends that i have. They irritated me so much. I couldn't pinpoint exactly why tho. Everytime i would say yes to meeting up, i would instantly regret it. Like, right after saying yes. Today i even "sabotaged" us hanging out, by suggesting a later time.

BUT! now i know why i did it. It's because i can't regulate my emotions without substances. Yes, that's it. It took me 45 days of suffering and endless scrolling to just hit me. I feel so light since it happened. Like the weight dropped from my shoulders.

Going forward seems less scary and now i know why i did what i did.

If you're in the same boat, do not give up. You'll eventually get there.

Peace

Edit: Thank you everyone for your insightful, encouraging comments! I appreciate every one of you. I hope, with all my heart, that you'll never give up trying. Even if it sucks for a while. Just keep going. <3

Hey everyone

I had an emotionally rough childhood, with a handful of traumatic experiences. Nothing crazy you hear in the news, but it still left a mark on my personality.

I was smoking weed for around 5 years of my life, starting at 17-18. Then at 21 i started expanding my interest onto more varieties. I did a lot of ecstasy, speed, cocaine, triptamine, shrooms and LSD. I also wasn't afraid to mix them (sometimes with alcohol) + take them in high doses. I was extremely depressed and i just wanted to die.

Then came my 23rd birthday. It's in early january. I threw a big party and bought the purest cocaine i could ever find. Right after taking a fat line I felt afwul. I went outside and threw up white foam.

After that, me and my then friends still got together occasionally. We did crazy amounts + mixing in just a few hours. And every time i did, i always threw up foam. I got so scared the last few times, that i decided it was enough. I didn't want to end up like drug addicts do.

So me and my 2 friends from uni decided to drop out. We did at the end of march. We were lifeguards at a resort. I've never flew on a plane, right until that time. It was amazing.

I stayed there for 4 months, the last month alone. I believe that being alone there has helped to really kickstart my self improvement journey.

When i got home at the end of august, i was unemployed for 2 months. I just layed in bed all day and did nothing. Was watching netflix and sometimes meeting up with my 2 friends that i have.

Then i found a job. I developed a taste for alcohol. I gained a few kgs and i was sleeping for 12-16 hours a day, the longest was 18 hours. I was truly depressed, again.

Then came quitting the job. During my last month there, i started seeing a therapist/psychologist. That was in may or june 2025. I found a new job immediately and it ended at the end of february this year. I managed to find a new job a week ago.

I had so much time to think these past months. It feels like i've changed 180° since then. I stopped smoking, drinking alcohol, consuming coffee and energy drinks on the 5th of april. I'm so proud of this achievement.

However, i am still feeling miserable and let down. When at home i usually just scroll for hours on youtube, watching shorts. I feel that it's wrong, and i feel physically awful while doing it, but i can't stop. I don't want to stop. I don't know why, but this seems like the easiest task i could do to feel a little better. It comforts me.

I'd like to start running and doing calisthenics, but i do nothing about it besides thinking and phantasizing. I'd like to learn to be social, to be myself, to not have to pretend. I'd like to be authentic. That's my no.1 goal.

I'm still not there. It is so frustrating, because all i see is that time is passing by. I've wasted a lot of my years, doing nothing, using substances. Every day that i lay down in bed and scroll endlessly, all i think about is this. That it's a waste of my precious time and i still choose to do nothing. I still choose to do the exact same thing on my free days. Nothing else. Not reaching out to friends, not decluttering/organizing my room, not cleaning, nothing. Just scrolling.

My psychologist says that she is amazed by how much i've changed since i started seeing her. While i fully agree with her, i still think that it's not enough. I'm nowhere near where i'd like to be in life.