u/Known_Order_8519

(Advices allowed)

I (21F) started suspecting that I had adhd since two or three months ago, after doing a lot of research on it when a friend mentionned it to me. I felt like I finally found answers to my issues and it felt freeing.
However, I’m in the process of getting a diagnosis and I don’t know how long it will take.

Currently I’m in vacation. My 2nd year at law school ended and so we have time off before returning again in september.
Since the begining of these vacations, I’ve been awfully tired. All these years (since middle school, high school and the begining of my University years) I used shame and stress to work. I would think about how disappointed in myself people and I would be if I failed, how shamefull of me it was to lay there or do anything but work, and how stupid it was for me to want to do something but failing. Then, I would wait for the stress to kick in to start any given task: house chores, homeworks, hobbies with deadlines, etc.

Now, stress and shame stopped working. It was gradual. First I started noticing that no matter how hard I would be on myself, I would get nowhere. So I stopped shaming myself (before thinking about adhd). Then, when deadlines were approaching, I would stop stressing as much as I used to, then it completely stopped. Or I would stress but not enough to start working or having better executive functions. So my last exams were crammed.

Also, I would count on the stress (of knowing that my mom would be upset) to do the household chores when I had to. Now, I don’t even care enough.
When I’m asked to do things I know I can’t do because my brain wants but not my body, I become a little agressive. I just lay in bed all day, either playing games on my phone or sleeping or watching tiktoks. I have requests for refunds to do but somehow I won’t do it, I have administrative documents to find to renew my passport before it expires, and yet I won’t do it. I can’t do shit.

I am extremely tired. It could be that making everything worse. But anyways: shame and stress stop working so now I feel like a lost cause.
How will I force myself to do anything ? I sometimes feel like a failure when I had stopped feeling that way. Guess that new found self worth wasn’t that solid after all.

Edit: me not doing the tasks are causing arguments with my family. My mom knows that I’m seeking a diagnosis but she doesn’t understand how I could have adhd nor how can it make tasks difficult for me.

I want to know how were your autism symptoms before taking adhd meds and after taking them.

I’ve heard that adhd tends to mask the autism and taking meds makes the masking impossible.
I’m curious to know your experiences.

What symptoms did you experience before taking meds ? What happened after ?

Thanks in advance !

Let’s say I want to make Olitz edits, these would be the songs I would choose to work with.

You’re free to share if you have any.

-« Minefields » Faouzia & John Legend.
All the words, all the phrases in this song are just telling Olivia and Fitz’s story. This song screams love existing despite chaos. I can totally hear Fitz and Olivia telling this to each other. If you don’t listen to it atleast read the lyrics.

-« Too lost in you » Sugababes.
I swear the lyrics were written by Olivia for Fitz: « You undo me and move me in ways undefined. And you’re all I see and you’re all I need (…) Baby I’m too lost in you, caught in you, lost in everything about you, so deep, i can’t sleep I can’t think »

-« Powerful » Ellie Goulding & Tarrus Riley.
« When you’re close I can feel the sparks take me higher to infinity (…) oh my my my what you do to me (…) there’s an energy when you hold me, when you touch me » said with such passion. The tone of the song is very special. It feels like the love and the passion are penetrating the skin of the person singing, just like how Fitz and Olivia can’t help feel what they feel when they’re in the presence of each other.

-« Hysteric Love » Rohff & Amel Bent.
It’s a french song telling the story of two people loving each other. But that love is painful, suffocating, extraordinary yet ordinary, ugly but addictive. « You drive me crazy. I may be suffering but my heart always returns to you. And I hate myself for loving you like this. I may be crying but I always end up in your arms. », need I say more ?

-« All night » and « Sweet dreams » Beyoncé.
Self explanatory.

-« The One » Jorja Smith.
This one is complicated because when I heard it for the first time, I heard an atmosphere of contradiction between independance/need for freedom and deep deep love. Like the singer meets her « one » but decides not to pursue this because she wants to choose herself in the end. Found out after that it probably wasn’t an accurate meaning of the song but oh well, I was in too deep.
At first I said it would be about Olivia acting like she doesn’t need nor want anybody yet she finds herself swayed by her feelings. Now id say this song would be more centered on Olivia’s perspective on her relationships overall.

-« Clarity » Sam Tsui.
« Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need. Chasing relentlessly, I still fight and I don’t know why, if our love is tragedy why are you my remedy, if our love’s insanity why are you my clarity ? » obviously it’s about Olitz feeling some kind of guilt because the affair is a scandal and a terrible thing in the eyes of everyone. Yet they only feel whole when they are with each other.

-« Can’t remember to Forget you » Shakira & Rihanna.
This song is passionate, about a toxic and raw love. The kind of love where you keep getting back with each other even if you know you aren’t good for each other. The ending with Rihanna singing: « I can’t remember to forget you. I keep forgetting I should let you go. But when you look at me, the only memory is us kissing in the moonlight » is soooo Olivia and Fitz going at it in the closet after the christening or in the house in Vermont (imo).

That’s all for today !

I forgot the exact ep and the season but at some point Rowan forces Olivia to end things with Jake before they elope together.

To break things off with Jake, Olivia says to him a lot of mean and hurtfull things.
And she tells him something along the line of « you need me too much, need me to tell you what to do and tell you what to think » etc.

Now, suppose she meant everything she said in this speech, I was wondering why she would say this.
Because, and this is not ragebait im genuinely curious, I think between all her lovers, Jake is the one (with Eddison) that does what Olivia tells him to do the less. I don’t even remember her telling him what to think of anything and if she did I can see him telling her to back off and that he will do what he wants.

Exhibit A: when he became command he never took any of her advices.
Exhibit B: when she asked him to kill her father she tried to tell him how to achieve that and he told her that she can ask for favors but he will execute however he wants.
(I think there are more exemples but these two came to mind)

The begining of their relationship (when she helps find the hostages and etc.) doesn’t count imo because at that point Olivia didn’t knew he was a spy.

The only thing I agree with is that he needed her too much.
But again, of all her bfs, the description of « need me to tell you what to think and what to do » sounds more like Fitz to me. She does tell him what to do and what to think a lot, and I actually thought that was what she liked about him (among other things): that she had his ears.

-> her saying this to Jake feels wildly inaccurate to me. Just as Olivia saying to Quinn that unlike her she never lost her way.

So please can someone explain, possibly with exemples ?

(English is not my first language)

-> reposting here since it was suggested to me.

As a child, I (21 F) have tested positive for giftedness. I had extremely good grades, and up until college I had issues but was doing kind of fine.

My great aunt, who died years ago, used to complain to me that « I used to be curious about anything and interested in everything » when I was young.
The more I grew up, the more my curiosity died and I feel terribly stupid now. I don’t get interested in a subject easily, or I’ll be but for only a short period of time. I’m so tired because of just thinking about the amount of things I have to do. Being curious about something, to me it means that I have to read all the books, all the articles, watch all the videos and etc. I CAN do all that but only when I’m hyperfocused about something. In this state I will consume everything without even noticing.

When I’m not interested, by myself, it’s like my mind would be signing checks that my body can’t cash. I won’t care about the subject enough to do a lot of searching (just for the sake of curiosity) and the thought of searching is tiring as hell.

If I’m not hyperfocused on something I don’t do anything nor do I care about anything. It’s terrible.
I can’t force myself to be interested or do something despite my disinterest.

Exhibit A: I took an interest in politics because I had this speciality in high school. But even if I know I like politics, I am unable to do anything about it (= keep myself informed on daily changes and else).

Reading is a problem for me, habitual reading is worse. I feel so so dumb.
It sometimes feels like my brain is actively working against me.

My mom is also gifted (it runs in my family) and she doesn’t have this issue. In fact, I don’t know any of my family members that has this issue.
I feel alone in this. Besides, in a family where everyone is curious and takes an interest in almost everything (even the kids), I look like a black sheep, being there doing nothing, barely functionning and passing my classes with good grades but just that: good grades. No curiosity.

Where is my curiosity gone ? I am to ashamed to know the answer cuz it might be that I just became dumber or I’m too lazy. Or that I just changed while growing up.

Spent years trying to understand what’s wrong with me in general and I am not close to any answer yet.

Ps: I’ve recently dived into adhd and burn out symptoms; i’m seeking an adhd diagnosis.

(English is not my first language)

As a child, I (21 F) have tested positive for giftedness. I had extremely good grades, and up until college I had issues but was doing kind of fine.

My great aunt, who died years ago, used to complain to me that « I used to be curious about anything and interested in everything » when I was young.
The more I grew up, the more my curiosity died and I feel terribly stupid now. I don’t get interested in a subject easily, or I’ll be but for only a short period of time. I’m so tired because of just thinking about the amount of things I have to do. Being curious about something, to me it means that I have to read all the books, all the articles, watch all the videos and etc. I CAN do all that but only when I’m hyperfocused about something. In this state I will consume everything without even noticing.

When I’m not interested, by myself, it’s like my mind would be signing checks that my body can’t cash. I won’t care about the subject enough to do a lot of searching (just for the sake of curiosity) and the thought of searching is tiring as hell.

If I’m not hyperfocused on something I don’t do anything nor do I care about anything. It’s terrible.
I can’t force myself to be interested or do something despite my disinterest.

Exhibit A: I took an interest in politics because I had this speciality in high school. But even if I know I like politics, I am unable to do anything about it (= keep myself informed on daily changes and else).

Reading is a problem for me, habitual reading is worse. I feel so so dumb.
It sometimes feels like my brain is actively working against me.

My mom is also gifted (it runs in my family) and she doesn’t have this issue. In fact, I don’t know any of my family members that has this issue.
I feel alone in this. Besides, in a family where everyone is curious and takes an interest in almost everything (even the kids), I look like a black sheep, being there doing nothing, barely functionning and passing my classes with good grades but just that: good grades. No curiosity.

Where is my curiosity gone ? I am to ashamed to know the answer cuz it might be that I just became dumber or I’m too lazy. Or that I just changed while growing up.

Spent years trying to understand what’s wrong with me in general and I am not close to any answer yet.

Ça fait à peu près 2 mois que je fais des recherches intenses sur le tdah car je me retrouve énormément dedans après avoir passé de longues années à ne pas comprendre ce que j’avais et à être désespérée et honteuse de la plupart de mes comportements.

On m’a énormément qualifié de « fainéante » « pas assez bosseuse » ou « ne range pas derrière elle, ne s’implique pas suffisamment dans les tâches ménagères » entre autres.

J’ai vécu en grande partie avec une grande tante à moi durant mon enfance et elle était là pour combler mes manques. Avec elle, je ne ratais aucun devoir, aucune remise, je n’avais aucune réelle autonomie (elle gérait absolument tout) donc mes lacunes n’avaient pas l’opportunité de se voir. Elle seule les voyait. Elle est décédée il y a quelques années. Elle me donnait une structure qui a disparu à sa mort (vers la fin du collège).

Quand elle est morte j’ai pu réellement me rendre compte de mes problèmes, et j’ai très vite trouvé un moyen de les cacher car j’avais honte et peur d’être considérée comme un échec.

Récemment j’ai pu voir une psychiatre spécialisée qui m’a confirmé que le soupçon de tdah semble le plus juste et elle m’a déjà prescrit des analyses à faire pour un traitement à la ritaline. J’ai encore des tests à faire (documents à remplir), notamment un formulaire complémentaire de mon parent qui pourrait apporter des précisions sur mes symptômes d’enfance.

Non seulement je ne suis pas convaincue que mon parent (ma mère) pourra aider car j’étais un enfant plutôt exemplaire, je ne parlais que rarement de mes problèmes et elle a tendance à minimiser.

J’ai passé les derniers jours à me demander si j’avais vraiment un tdah. Si je ne m’appropriais pas les problèmes d’autrui, si je n’exagérais pas. Si j’ai réussi à fonctionner jusqu’à aujourd’hui (après avoir raté une licence néanmoins) c’est que finalement je ne vais pas si mal que ça.
Le peu de personnes auxquelles j’ai parlé de mon processus de diagnostic sont dubitatives. Pour certains je ne colle pas vraiment au stéréotype que l’on se fait du tdah. Pour d’autres, mes problèmes peuvent s’expliquer par le fait que j’ai été testée positive à la surdouance enfant. Bref dans tous les cas je me sens seule avec mes difficultés et mes sentiments.
Je regrette d’avoir passé autant de temps à masquer pour éviter les remarques négatives et rentrer dans le moule. Si j’avais été transparente et insistante sur le fait que quelque chose n’allait pas j’aurais probablement pu consulter plus tôt avec plus de souvenirs de mon enfance. Je regrette d’avoir laissé la honte me dévorer.

J’hésite à abandonner toute la procédure. Depuis que la psychiatre m’a dit que je semble effectivement être tdah j’ai l’impression d’être un imposteur qui a réussi à la tromper et à me tromper également.

I want to preface all this by saying that, due to the issues I had that were linked to my adhd (that I didn’t know of), I had difficulties imagining being with a guy. I thought myself too messy, too inconsistent and etc. Guys had confessed their feelings to me but even if it was mutual I would just say that I’m not interested to avoid having a guy perceive me at some point and realize the mess I was without me having any explanation for it.
Just for context.

When I was in high school I had a crush on a guy. He was very popular, could be an ass but could also be charming. He was very funny, didn’t take himself too seriously, did very random stuff and he was known for it. Was hyperactive as a kid, and it showed even as he grew up somehow. He was also very confident.
I was the complete opposite: shy, reserved, good girl, teacher’s pet even, full of insecurities and etc.

I developped a crush on him out of nowhere to be honest. But I liked that he was my opposite. I liked that he didn’t seem to care about anything deeply and be himself, unlike me. I had a huge admiration for what I saw of him. Obviously he wasn’t perfect and all but hey I couldn’t help it. It was a normal healthy crush I guess.
But as I said, I didn’t allow myself to do anything about it cuz I was so ashamed of who I was.

He always used to call me by a special nickname, flirt with me, we would have cool banters, he would try to get to know me, and after, I would calm myself by thinking that, as unserious as he generally was, he probably didn’t think much of me anyway, so I always closed myself to his approaches (either by acting to nervous or mean or confused about his intentions).

Fast foward to college.
I entered my second year of uni months ago and after 3 years of not seeing him and hearing from him (after high school graduation), i run into him on campus. I freak out because it was so unexpected, he was kind of out of my sight out of my mind but seeing him so suddenly made all my buried feelings « unburied » themselves.

He tried to have a contact with me later that day and I ignored him because I was too nervous again. My friends noticed how weird I was acting so I told them everything and they decoded our whole thing: he was flirting all this time with me and I never realized it so I rejected him without wanting to. But by the time I realized, I had rejected him again and from that moment and for the whole first semester of my year, it was a game of hot & cold between us for multiple reasons that would be too long to explain in the post.

At some point one of my closest friend encouraged me to put this story to bed and dm him and flirt to finally have closure (good or bad), because I was a mess. I was hyperfixating on him so bad it almost looked like I was Nikki from Obsession without all the weird shit. I’m exagerating ofc. The physical and visceral reactions I had when seeing him were crazy. I either froze, ran away or act weird. So I did dmed him. It started well because as my friends had guessed, my behavior made him think that I hated him.
I’ll resume what happened by saying that: it was exhausting because it was the first time I felt ready to have a boyfriend, the first time I put in the work despite my nervous system being dysregulated as fuck and my first time ever being rejected by a crush (and a guy at all) !

Yes. He rejected me. After days of talking, me being weird even on the phone, I confessed because I was tired of being obsessed and things going a way I couldn’t understand. I guessed he lost interest and anyway when I confessed we talked and I concluded that, in that moment, we wanted different things: I wanted a serious relationship and he wanted something casual.

I was confused because it sounded like a last minute thing (he never gave « I just want sex » but why not). Obviously it made me both relieved (from finally having a clear answer) and sad (because damn I liked him A LOT).

Now my problem is, it’s been months now. The rejection happened in december 2026. We’re in june and I don’t seem to do any better ?

I’m still hyperfixated and it feels awful to say the least. You would think by now I would have already moved on but no. I still think about him a lot, about our past interactions, about how stupid I acted, how weird I was, how confusing my signals were, how I messed up on some conversations, how he must have think I was crazy and dumb. But also, I think about how I should’ve just stayed confused because I could atleast not feel hurt by my feelings potentially not being reciprocated. I think about all our interactions in high school when I could have shown interest and we would probably have been a couple, and it wouldn’t have lasted but atleast I would have experienced it and with a guy a really really liked. I wonder what happened, why was I like that, why did he reject me, why the first time I ever open up to a guy it ends up like that. The first time I felt ready to be in a relationship and let go of my flaws just to be a happy for a time. His behavior made me think he liked me back. Was it just in high school ? His feelings changed ? Did he had any ? He didn’t know what he wanted ? Because he never seemed malicious or anything.

He posted a story recently and he was so handsome and hot, I lost my marbles and it made me realized that no matter the self work I do, I’m still not over that guy. And the worst part is I don’t even know how I feel honestly. Do I still love him ? Am I just hyperfixated and it won’t go away ?

I found out that it’s a common adhd trait as much as an asd trait and I don’t know if it makes me feel better.
I can’t afford a therapist right now, I did not even start medication yet. I just want to move on, be able to find other men attractive, stop thinking about him…
He takes too much space in my head. When I had to concentrate on school it was kind of okay cuz I was busy but now that I’m in vacation I don’t have anything to do but think about him, and it’s worse when I’m on my period or on ovulation somehow !

It’s a regression but I miss the era when I was closed to relationships and was wondering how he felt.

He is everything I wish to be. I find him so charismatic and socially influent ! I even started to act like him and get inspired by his style for my outfits. It’s like I’m a copycat.

Edit: talking with IA about it doesn’t help either. It’s really awful, I feel so alone with my feelings. I have a friend that is going through the same thing and we both need help tbh !

I (21 F) suspect I have adhd and am taking actions to get an official diagnosis. English is not my first language so forgive me in advance for the possible mistakes.

During the process of getting a diagnosis, I spend my time researching and learning more and more about this condition that I never thought I had until two weeks ago.
Part of my research has included joining this subreddit to hear about the life of other adhders.
And my god. The least I can say is that, not only do I relate to almost every post here (related to personal experiences with living with adhd), but I did realized that I might be on adhd burnout and it might’ve been since a few years.

Back to the post title.
I’ve failed a literature degree 2 years ago because of executive dysfunction and tasks paralysis (which causes me to be inconsistent and undisciplined), depression (now looking back at it it was clearly adhd symptoms) and a very difficult environment that induced stress and anxiety in me.
Due to a series of circumstances, I traded my literature degree for a law degree and I am currently living under better conditions so my mental health feels slightly better.

Still, most of the issues I had did not go away and it might cause me to fail my law degree too (or to pass but without the good grades I need to get into the law master I want). It would break me, as I love law. I am a natural at it and I get the logic of it really easily. I know it will be the center of my career.

The problem is: I also miss the literature degree. It wasn’t my passion as much as law is, but I liked it and regret everything that I could’ve done better if I knew I possibly had adhd and it was causing me to fail. My mom tells me that literature was simply not made for me, but I don’t know how much of this pov I can trust since I haven’t told her about my suspicions and she doesn’t even know about adhd.

My little secret dream would be to one day eventually obtain a french literature diploma coupled with the law degree. But I know that currently it’s impossible since I haven’t dealt with my inconsistency issues and the rest.

I know that meds can help a great deal with most of adhd symptoms and I’ve heard about more great results with them than bad.

So my question is: can meds help you focus and succeed in whatever you put your mind into ?
And therefore, with them, would I eventually pass my literature license If I were to try it again ?

I have a question for AUDHD folks specifically.

If you’re diagnosed with autism (or in the process, or just have general knowledge), how was it possible if you have adhd aswell ? Genuinely asking.
Because from what I’ve seen, adhd tends to mask autism symptoms.

So my conclusion would be: there are certain criterias for autism that you prolly won’t know you meet if adhd is masking them. So how did it work for you ?

Personally, I am 100% sure I have Adhd and Autism aswell. I am in the process of getting an adhd diagnosis. However, I fear the autism diagnosis process because of the logic that I’ve mentionned above.

Alors :

J’ai 21 ans, je suis une jeune adulte à la fac, et j’aurai ma première séance cette semaine avec une psychiatre spécialisée (Victoire ROFFE de base mais Manon Mazzoleni en remplacement si quelqu’un les connaisse) pour peut-être obtenir un diagnostic de TDAH.

Je ne vais pas mentir, je commence à être nerveuse, parce que je n’ai jamais rencontré de psychiatre auparavant, seulement des psychologues ou des thérapeutes en séance. Jusqu’ici, même s’ils ne m’aident pas tous vraiment avec mes problèmes, ils sont gentils et bienveillants avec moi, ce qui me met suffisamment à l’aise pour partager ce que j’ai besoin de partager.

Mais j’ai entendu des choses sur les psychiatres : qu’ils sont un peu froids, directs, pas très centrés sur les émotions et davantage sur les médicaments, etc.

Je ne sais pas à quoi m’attendre, quoi dire, comment ça va se passer…

J’ai tellement peur d’être invalidée parce que, même si ce n’est pas le TDAH, je sais avec certitude que quelque chose ne va pas chez moi. Et le TDAH (et l’autisme, mais ce sera une autre discussion) est la seule explication qui me permette de comprendre ce que j’ai, sachant que je ne suis pas du genre à m’auto-diagnostiquer. Ça regroupe tout, je me reconnais dans tout.

Donc, si quelqu’un a des conseils à donner, du soutien ou autre, sentez-vous totalement libres de partager !

So:

I (21 F) am having my first session, this week, with a specialised psychiatrist (a woman) to possibly get diagnosed with ADHD.

Not gonna lie, I’m starting to feel nervous, as I have never met a psychiatrist, only psychologists or therapists in sessions. So far, even if they’re not all helpfull with my issues, they are sweet and kind to me which makes me feel comfortable enough to share what I need to share.
But I’ve heard things about psychiatrists: kinda cold, direct, not too focused on feelings and more on medication and etc.

I don’t know what to expect, what should I say, how it will eventually be…

I am so afraid of being invalidated because even if it’s not ADHD, I know for a fact something is wrong with me and ADHD (and Autism but for another discussion) is the only way that I can explain what I have, as I’m never one to self diagnose. It regroups everything, I relate to everything.

So, If anyone has advices to provide, support or else, feel absolutely free to share !

I’ve noticed some similarities between the concept of Rejection Sensitivity (RS) and being avoidant.

So I’m wondering what is the difference between the two.
How do you know if you have RS bc of your Audhd, or if you’re just an avoidant person ?

Can it be both ?

Maybe it’s a « every audhd person is an avoidant but not every avoidant is an audhd person » situation ?

To share personal experience, I had a huge crush on a guy. But the thought of him rejecting me could make me physically ill. I would analyze his behavior and responses to the extreme and anything could be perceived as being rejected. I would feel terrible pain in my body and ruminate a lot, among other things.
Btw just having a crush was like discovering a drug, it would give me so much adrenaline.

What are your thoughts ?

For context: I (21F) suspect I have ADHD and ASD.
I am doing what I can to be diagnosed for ADHD mainly, because this is the thing that affect my life the most currently.
I’m still living with my mom for the rest of the year but I’ve been very discreet about that procedure because I’m still worried that my family won’t take me seriously unless there is a diagnosis, given by a professional, on the table.
When I was a child, I have been tested for giftedness (I think that’s what it’s called in english) and now, after failing a first license, I’m in my 2nd year at law school.
End of context, but if you need more elements I can give it to you in the comments.

Before my appointment with a specialised psychiatrist, I’ve decided to make a list about all the symptoms that I have with exemples. These symptoms are classified according to the periods of my life (childhood, adolescence and young adulthood). I’m doing this because I know for a fact that I have the informations in my mind but as soon as someone asks me something my mind can go blank. Besides, I’m still trying to trust myself and evidences that I’m not crazy help.

Now, my mom who is separated from my dad often compares me to him, as she finds my behavior a lot like his. And recently, I saw that my dad was following an instagram account about ADHD treatment. So obviously I got curious. He is not very present in my life but I’ve learned that ADHD can be hereditary. I texted him, asking him if he had it, to which he responded that he doesn’t think so yet he finds it very interesting and recognize himself in some stuff.

The conversation continued and when he asked me If I had it, I took a leap of faith and decided to tell him what I’m doing. He then starts to ask me questions such as « How many symptoms do you identify with? » and etc.

Finally, he asks me: « How did you manage to get so far in your licence ? » to which I respond with « adrenaline ».
Which is the truth. Deadlines gives me the stress I need to study, but it is killing me in the long run and it won’t be as efficient as it was when I was in high school because the more I move forward the more real deep studies are required for success.

My father just responded « it’s not enough 🤷‍♀️ ».

I feel crushed. Now I’m rethinking the whole thing. I know that women can mask and etc. but what if he’s right and I’m crazy.

This one sentence just erased years and years of struggle on my end. I know I’m not thinking rationally about this because he isn’t very present for me and educated on the subject and yet I find myself so hurt by his words.

On one hand I regret telling him anything. On the other hand my deep fear of my own incompetence and uselessness is resurfacing. What if he is right and I’m just doing all that to avoid looking myself in the mirror and realize that I am indeed useless, lazy, incompetent, inconsistent, unreliable ?

Edit: I can sense myself shutting down. I don’t know what I feel right now, just…pain. I need to be alone. Thank god it was just texting and not face to face conversation.

So:

Haven’t been diagnosed for ADHD yet. I have a meeting with a psychiatrist that might help with it but on the meantime, I’m on my own and without any meds.

I failed my driver’s exam 2 times. The remarks of my teacher is always the same: I’m not enough focused/concentrated. I keep doing careless and inattentive mistakes, and the slightest critic makes me panic, triggering my rejection sensitivity on the middle of the road. Teacher said I know how to drive, I know what has to be done and yet…

I just had a driving course (the 100th, it seems in my head). It was bad. Again, I’m unfocused and the worst is that I do my very best. It’s like my brain voluntarily miss stuff.
My teacher is convinced that at this point, I do it on purpose, which believe me is not the case. Or If it is, it’s unconscious sabotage. I wonder if it’s ADHD. But if it is, then I need medication fast bc I want my driver’s licence. Truly.

Teacher wanted to send me again to the exam anyways (bc for him I just need to make an effort and stop my bs) but I said no. I don’t feel ready.

It sucks so bad.

Very often I will be exhausted wishing so deeply I was on an island, completely alone, doing absolutely nothing, expected to do nothing. Just stay there on a deckchair, resting (not sleeping).

Whenever I feel distraught, or like I can’t understand and/or handle my emotions, I truly see myself being…away.
It’s not even a vacation because a vacation has an end. It’s really like people would stop caring completely about me, I would stop caring completely about them, and I would stay on the island for an unknown period of time.

This is a fantasy because as I stated that would never happen or be possible.

When I envision that soothing image, I instantly want to cut off everyone, disappear entirely from socials, stop talking and start existing only as a concept/idea.

I very rarely act on those feelings. I used to do it for very short periods of time when I was younger because I didn’t necessarily saw it as rude but now that I’m more experienced I get that it would be seen as childish or weird so I never do it.

But oh how I wish I could live that fantasy atleast once.

Anyone share the sentiment ?

Hey everybody ! New here ! (English is not my first language so sorry for possible mistakes).

I’m already sorry for putting you through the embarassment you might feel while reading this.

I’ve been suspected of having ADHD and ASD by my psychologist and I have booked an appointment with a specialised psychiatrist to know for sure if that’s the case.

In the meantime I’m doing personal research (bc rn I’m hyperfixated on both ADHD and ASD) to know how much I relate to the symptoms.
However, there are things that I’m kind of ashamed to talk about with a psychiatrist in case it might not be a trait caused by either disorder and just a weird quirk that any normal person can have.

So I’ve seen that autistic people tend to stim a lot by for exemple touching their skin or their hair a lot and etc.

I can relate to some of it but I think that the thing that soothes me the most is to touch my navel.
I know it’s weird af but I’ve done it since I was a baby. It feels conforting, I like the texture (weirdly enough) and the worst is I know it can be off putting as a thing to do in general so I’ve tried SEVERAL times to stop.

Well guess what: I can’t. When I try to control it, I do it unconsciously (even more disturbing). I don’t even notice myself doing it. I can’t help it. As an adult I can focus enough not to do it on a short/medium period of time but I will inevitably end up doing it.

It’s not compulsive like I don’t do it continually and too much in public (I try to make it discreet as much as I can) but I do it.

So I have two questions:

1. Is it possible that this is an ASD thing ? Or just a very weird quirk that I cannot get rid of no matter how hard I try ? And should I mention it to the psychiatrist ?
2. Do you also have a weird habit such as this one ?

Please feel free to comment and offer perspective !