u/hummingbird0012234

So I liked this book, maybe less for the romance and more for the internal monologues that I could really identify with. In my reading, Simon is one of the best autism reps I've read, but he isn't supposed to be? And that makes me feel a bit weird about this, as it is never mentioned in the book, nor by Cat. Why? He is supposed to have OCD and anxiety, but the way he is described, like he is cosplaying a human being most of the time and wondering what to say and do, reads very clearly autistic to me (that btw commonly occurs with OCD and anxiety). And on the one hand, I loved that we are getting such a nuanced representation, on the the other hand apparently it isn't a representation?

It seems like MM authors like to write neurodivergent people, but to be honest it rarely comes through realistically for me. Shane in Heated rivalry is supposed to be on the spectrum, and yeah, sure, he could be, but it's very subtle. Then there is To Catch a Firefly which was recommended here, and whoa at points I felt like I should stop reading because I found it so offensive. And it was like a neurotypical character that happens to only communicate in grunts and shrugged shoulders and treated like a child.... anyway, I was so happy with Star Shipped at first, but then I felt a bit cheated about it?

Like I'm just pretending to be one, but I really am not a person, just a combination of reactions to things. I can make myself look like a person, but it is effort, I need to think about what a person would do and then I do that. Is this depersonalization, or just the autism? I don't know what I'm doing with my life, all plans and hopes have been abandoned. I've never looked for normalcy, but wanting to support myself and not having to rely on others at least was something I had hoped for, and now I feel like it's beyond reach.

I recently signed with an agent for my debut nonfiction (yayy!). We are preparing for sub, and I'm having a minor meltdown over the marketing section. I generally feel very queasy about promoting myself, but I also have the feeling that we may be overselling things a bit, as I don't have much of a reach. The idea that I would write to people and ask them for blurbs has me crawling into my wardrobe. It's not like I haven't written anything before; I do have clips in magazines, and I have some contacts from conferences/interviews/organizations. But not like a TON, and not like I'm in constant communication with them, so reaching out to someone that I last talked to like a year or two ago to ask for a favour seems too much. And in the query trenches, I did get a rejection saying that they loved my idea and writing, but I should come back when I have a proper platform. My agent thinks it's ok, as I do have a background in what I am writing about, and it is narrative anyway, so people would want to read it for the story and not necessarily for the massive platform. But that just makes me feel like I'm an amazing impostor who managed to fool them.

I recently read those two, and they are scratching a very specific itch for me. The romance plot isn't necessarily to die for (I find Rachel Reid as the gold standard for that), but they feel a lot deeper than your average romance, with beautiful writing, quotes I want to remember, and themes that make me think. Like the whole second-chances thing in You Should Be So Lucky feels personal, I felt like it sometimes turned a bit literary in a good way. I know some people didn't like all the internal monologues that had nothing to do with the romance itself, but I think they gave the book a lot of depth. Like those books made me think about my life and journal for hours, while other books might just make me horny and a bit lovesick, and I mean sometimes that's all I want, but I quite enjoyed doing the former now.

I was thinking about reading more from her, but then just reading some quotes from her older books, and looking at the covers, they looked more like they might have no deeper themes beyond the romance. So if you've read more of her work, how do those two books compare?

I was always a straight-A student, and have an advanced degree from a fancy university. I won a bunch of scholarships and awards. I really worked my ass off at university, and I loved it. Everyone thought I'll do so well in life. Well, they were very wrong. Fast forward 7 years since finishing my master's, I haven't been able to hold a full-time job and I'm constantly broke. I have moved in with my grandmother at the age of 33 cause I just can't support myself. I have CPTSD, and I got ill with something like CFS/Long-Covid the past 3 years. But if I think about it, even before that, I was struggling so much with work. I switched from science to science communication because I found the former too dry, but when I finally got a job, after 3 months, I needed to switch to part-time because I just couldn't handle it. I don't even know why, maybe the monotony? Managing going to the office? I just couldn't do it. Then I decided to do freelance journalism, which was fun for a bit, but it came with too many rejections and uncertainty. And on the one hand, it was such a relief not to have a boss and be able to match when I worked to the times my brain was actually on. But I just get lost in being at home and get into my head, and I just don't do it. I can only force myself to work for an hour or two a day, if I put on some specific music. Why? At university I was able to get myself to the library and just study a whole day and then ace my exams. And I feel awful about it, and I feel lazy, and a failure, but I will still just lie around at home and not work but instead read some novel, or go on reddit, or look up useless facts on the internet. It sounds better to me than most jobs, but then I would have to get my own motivation to look for a story and then pitch it, and I just don't. If you freelance - how do you get yourself to get anything done?

A friend of mine who works with (including diagnosing) autistic kids keeps telling me that I should be screened, so I am trying to sort that out, to be tested for both autism and adhd, because I think only the combination would make sense. Like why I am soo awkward and anxious around people, but at the same time will burst into tears if I have to do boring, monotonous things and I used to be moving countries all the time and always coming up with a new hobby that consumed me for a while. And why people say that they have never met anyone who was so introverted and extroverted at the same time.

Anyways, I was just wondering if you have any strategies to self-motivate if you freelance. Because I can really identify with that concept of 'needing a routine but cannot keep one.'

I always seem to fidget with my hands or feet, touch my face, twirl my hair, especially when I am concentrating or anxious. I am considering getting assessed for adhd/autism. I do have some symptoms and not others, but then I also know some things can just be caused by trauma. So I wonder if the stimming (it's not rocking or flapping hands, but more subtle) can be caused by trauma as well, or is there more to it

I'm not usually one to complain about camera work, like I get that sometimes things don't go perfectly and I'm just happy to watch as is. BUT (spoilers) >!this time I was really disappointed not to see the reaction of Zelia winning her first gold medal. I'm a sucker for the drama and emotions, and tbh those moments, first gold, are my favourite in the whole comp. Also, she beat Janja, even if it was on shitty setting and attempts, she still did, super impressive. Sooo by any chance are there videos going around of that moment? Sometimes you see extra footage pop up that wasn't in the livestream!<