r/PubTips

Hi, everyone! I posted my first query letter for critique before I started writing the novel. I wrote the query ahead of time as an exercise in summarizing the concept. It helped me a lot with keeping the story focused while writing the actual pages. Do recommend. The novel is now almost ready to send to agents, so I figured it'd be smart to post the query here first for one more round of feedback. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read my query!

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Dear [Agent],

I’m seeking representation for SOL, a literary speculative novel with a thriller engine, complete at 80,000 words. Combining the oppressive system of Jessamine Chan’s The School for Good Mothers with the atmosphere of Callie Kazumi’s Greedy, SOL examines the personal cost of extreme social design and the moral consequences for those who thrive within it.

Deliberately sequestered on a breathtaking Mediterranean island funded by global elites, Sol is an invite-only utopia. Here, intelligence and talent are the most valuable currency. Brilliant yet unrecognized, often penniless, people from all over the world are adopted into established families. Sometimes they become children, sometimes parents, and sometimes they assume roles that defy generational logic. Each role is as hand-picked as the island’s beautiful mansions. Those born on the island, however, are quietly trying to escape.

After years of professional marginalization, Maro, a 33-year-old Croatian archeologist, receives the invitation. Without leaving the borders of his native country, he finds himself in a different world. What begins as an all-expenses-paid academic residency ends in signed adoption papers. With no tenure nor loved ones waiting for him at home, Maro puts his skepticism aside and becomes the adoptive father of a man significantly older than himself. His son Topher, ten years his senior, is a charming yet unproductive heir, blood-related to the island’s founder, known as Barba. Poaching Topher’s eggs, ironing his trousers, and teaching him the ABCs of world history, Maro still finds time for his research. Despite his fatherly chores, the island’s soirées, hosted by Topher’s formidably intelligent biological sister, are as stimulating as they are validating. With her, Maro can talk about Illyrian history, and Topher doesn’t have to measure up to the island’s impossible standards. Maro settles into domestic bliss until one evening, he runs out of salt. When he visits the neighboring house to borrow some, he finds Topher’s sister dead.

Her murder becomes yet another family secret, kept under the guise of the greater good. Though urged to protect the island with his silence, Maro investigates her unfathomable passing. Inheritance, he learns, is control, and if you’re family, you’re already complicit. In Sol, Maro finds his first real home. He struggles to trade it for the unsettling truth that his son Topher insists on. This island is far from a meritocratic refuge. It is a place you would never want to visit, even if you were good enough to get the call.

I am a Croatian author writing in English. I hold a degree in dramaturgy and have worked as a narrative designer in interactive media, developing story-driven projects for large mobile gaming studios.

I hope you enjoy the attached pages and the synopsis.

Best regards,

Hello,

I've had a few people go through my query but though it would be good to get some more feedback just in case. Thanks!

Dear x,

I know you’re interested in (genre) and I wanted to offer my novel for your consideration. Complete at 113,000 words, THE LIBRARY FOR HEATHENS is a new-adult dark fantasy standalone with series potential.

The book will appeal to fans of hypnotic atmospheres like ONE DARK WINDOW by Rachel Gillig and fierce female characters like Sciona from BLOOD OVER BRIGHT HAVEN by M.L. Wang.

It follows Opal, an assassin in training, who has blundered another mission. GRIM, the syndicate she serves, gives Opal an opportunity to atone. Desperate to earn her place and avoid homelessness, she accepts the offer. She must descend through Hell and retrieve a book from its infamous Library to prevent a demonic revolution. GRIM saddles her with disgraced ex-master assassin Minho, who is only concerned about saving his life. As Hell slowly unravels parts of him once thought controllable, Opal must decide whether to trust the man branded a traitor or risk failing the only mission that could save the world and secure her place in GRIM.

This is an own-voice story that depicts anxiety, depression, and a longing to fit in. Throughout my life, I spent a long time desperate to belong somewhere, whether to a group, a place, or a version of myself I thought people wanted. These themes don’t define the book, but form a broader story, highlighting what happens when proving your worth becomes the only thing that matters.

Upon the USSR’s collapse, my parents and I moved to the UK when I turned seven. To teach me English, they forced me into reading clubs, where I developed an unhealthy love for stories. I’ve written novels across various online platforms, which have accumulated over 900,000 reads.

Thank you very much for your time! I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

X

​

Dear [Agent]

I am seeking representation for UGLY DRIVER, a 82,000 word completed literary fiction manuscript. The novel is a gothic narrative set in a surreal contemporary London. It explores self-expression, aestheticization of the past, and the myriad ways in which loneliness can shape our lives. I believe it will appeal to readers who appreciate the zany imagination of Thomas Pynchon’s shadow ticket and the sweeping scale of Kiran Desai’s The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny.

When Killer Joe, the draconian former mayor of Fionworth, dies, the town erupts in celebration, throwing a block party outside his mansion. Only three people mourn him: his young nurse, Pauline, and two old acquaintances, McElroy and Aqbal.

Barricading themselves inside the sprawling estate, the trio passes time by reading Joe's memoir. As they work through its account of his life, each reader offers their own interpretation, transforming the true events into increasingly extravagant fantasies. Before long, their collaborative retelling evolves into a sprawling street-racing epic, charting Joe's time with Green Impulse, an illegal racing collective, which he co-led with the enigmatic nerd, Ronin Tang; a saga which ended tragically and led to Joe rejecting everything racing ever stood for. In analysing these events, Aqbal becomes obsessed with the story's central love triangle between Joe, Joe's sister, and Joe's best friend, St.John; McElroy luxuriates in the visual decadence of the 90s, and Pauline foregrounds the political upheaval simmering beneath it all.

But as the block party outside rages on, unexpected visitors begin arriving at the mansion, and the line between invention and reality starts to dissolve...

Hi everyone!

Would appreciate some feedback on my query letter. I am unsure about the 3rd paragraph and have two different options: The second one reveals the midpoint twist and is very specific (I'm not sure if this is too much info though?). Would love some fresh and objective eyes on this. :)

Dear [Agent],

Due to your interest in [personalisation], I would like to present ELDERBERRY, in which a herbalist is uprooted from her solitary life to heal a king, only to find he wants her help to die instead. It presents a dedicated female herbalist who stands alone in the world, similar to HEMLOCK & SILVER, with the atmospheric voice and character driven writing of THE KNIGHT AND THE MOTH. It is an adult fantasy novel with a slow burn romantic subplot. With trilogy potential, it is complete at 100,000 words.

Maiden and Mother, one path or the other.

In the Temple of the Mother, girls grow to find their divine path. Where her sisters are pious and silver-eyed, Aeliana is unkempt and her eyes burn gold. Aeliana yearns to run in woods and follow the Maiden’s path. But her failed ceremony leaves her pathless and apart, working as a servant for the sisters she once grew with. By day, in secret, Aeliana becomes skilled in herb-lore. By night, she is servile to the Temple and the scathing eye of its Mother Priestess.

When a dangerous encounter with a noble leads Aeliana to use her herb-skill to kill, she flees the Temple. All who knew her believe her dead. She starts anew as a herbalist in a dwindling port town. For a time, content. Until a man arrives seeking aid for his master and Aeliana is uprooted from her solitary life, appointed herbalist to the ailing Oak King. Failing to save the King will cost her life. Only the King doesn’t want her to heal him, but to help him die.

3.

Ease him to death, keep his condition from his watchful heirs, and she can return home. To quiet, to peace. But the King is keeping secrets from more than just his children. Secrets that will send Aeliana on an impossible journey with his son, the thunderous, mistrusting heir who blames her for his father’s decline. Aeliana will be made to reckon with her past and her differences, for if they do not succeed, she will not have a home to return to.

OR

Ease him to death, keep his condition from his watchful heirs, and she can return home. But upon his deathbed, the King presents a deadly truth and new task: the Oak that protects the kingdom is dying. Without the Oak, blighted creatures will overrun the country. The cure, a fabled flower Aeliana knows is not real, but the King believed she could find. Forced to journey with the heir who blames her for his father’s death, Aeliana will be made to reckon with her past. Her failings, once the cost of her home, may be the thing to save this one.

[Bio]

[Sign off]

Not quite a full rewrite, but I got a lot of help from a fellow r/PubTips member focusing in on the important parts of my query. Basically, not being too afraid of proper nouns and ensuring what is unique about the story comes through as well as the general stakes and primary conflict.

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all the help.

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Dear [Agent Name],

I am writing to seek representation for my 95,000-word Science-Fantasy novel, Beneath an Emerald Eye, s dual perspective narrative exploring a dilapidated world-spanning metropolis where technological expertise has been reduced to mysticism. It will appeal to fans of  M. L. Wang’s Blood over Bright Haven’s blending of technology & mysticism, Arkady Martine’s A Memory Called Empire’s world spanning municipal ecosystem, and R. F. Kuang's Babel's tale of a young woman's struggle trapped in the political machinations of institutions she has little control over.

Elisav is trapped–trapped lying, trapped disguising as a man, trapped with no control over her own life. Bound by a mistake in computation since childhood, Elisav was plucked from the capital’s orphanages to train as a Bloodscion, one of the all-male technician mystics charged with maintaining the world-city’s machines. When a powerful military official arrives to help plan the mayoral emperor’s funeral, Elisav seizes the opportunity despite her guardian’s warnings. Supplying information on suspected rebels, she hopes to begin currying favor and one day change doctrine. 

This backfires, triggering a guerrilla attack. Injuries expose Elisav’s secret, forcing her to flee before she can be punished for violating blood sanctity. For when blood denotes control over machines, a woman’s ability to share blood between mother and child represents ever-present danger to those in power. 

On the run Elisav discovers Amaram, a traveling performer claiming to have once been an apprentice of the father Elisav never knew. Amaram begs her to accompany him to the capital, insisting her blood is vital to fulfill her father’s legacy–a legacy that would make Elisav the first female bloodscion. Desperate for control, despite misgiving, she accepts. However, with each passing day his story unravels, Amaram dodging questions of what killed her father at the last mayoral funeral and what lurks in the catacombs beneath the capital. 

As Elisav investigates one thing becomes clear–Amaram too intends to decide for her, believing her father’s legacy too dangerous for anyone but himself to inherit. Elisav must choose–comply and trust Amaram’s schemes will buy her real freedom or forge her own path, risking safety to uncover the secrets of her past.

[Bio stuff]

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A drawing repeated a dozen times, covering glass portholes in smeared ink. Stenciled faces, sunken and pained, gazed up from monochrome caskets. 

As her master and the Comptroller-General inspected the vandalism, Elisav locked eyes with her smudged reflection. Neophytes trailed the discussion, the gaggle unable to decide what constituted a respectable distance. Yellowed flesh workers, red archivists, pale mechanics, and a smattering of less common disciplines milled nervously. All avoided looking at her jet-black suit. Rank and nerves separated her from their mass, but that was not the sole distinguisher.

They were all boys. 

Cropped ebony hair, cut into a bowl, framed her narrow face. Thin lips sat below suspicious sunken eyes, ones mirroring the graffiti’s own. Once again Elisav was thankful for the bagginess of bloodscion ceremonial garb. Coupled with copious bindings, the two helped disguise her hips and bosom and had since puberty. 

Their landing sat in the crevice between two colossal tanks, each over a thousand feet high and full to the brim. Dividers separated various submerged fisheries. Men in heavy rubber suits pulled themselves along knotted leads, aided by bulbous golems with corkscrew motors. Their inspection of the facilities had been interrupted, casket portraits defacing each and every observation deck.

The stenciled murals had not been present the previous night, instead painted in the brief span of time after sunset before the graveyard shift. Lighting in the upper district assumed reflected moonlight would aid in illumination, but no upgrades had been made in decades to account for changing celestial circumstances. Dark storm clouds covering the moon’s emerald visage provided all the darkness the graffitiers required. When was the last time she’d seen it whole? Elisav couldn’t remember. 

First Attempt

Thanks for the feedback last time!

As suggested, I've refocused the query on the main plot thread. I've also tried to resolve confusion re: crew makeup and beef up the bio as well. Made the comp factors more explicit and updated the log line, too.

Still waiting on beta reader feedback before I start submitting, but I'm eager to get more feedback on the query.

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Dear [Agent Name],

Skip never expected the road home to be easy… but getting abducted by humanity might be the last detour he ever takes.

STRANGE CONTACT is a completed 120,000-word adult science-fiction space opera debut novel, standalone with series potential. Farscape meets Mass Effect, it combines the alien viewpoints of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s Shroud and the biotechnology of Daniel Kraus’s The Sixth Nik.

Ambassador Martin Skipfrey has a planet’s worth of problems. Between his mink-like species’ incipient industrial revolution and an upcoming engagement to his girlfriend Sam, the world is changing fast enough already. But things are about to get even weirder… When Skip’s curiosity gets the better of him in a meteoric encounter, he’s accidentally abducted by a living ship named Toomi and her alien menagerie of a crew, led by something called a human.

Stranded in the bizarre galactic borderlands, Skip is frantic to get home to Sam—until scans reveal that his planet is a motherlode of the most coveted resource in the universe. It’s the meal ticket Toomi’s crew needed, and now the only thing standing between Skip’s homeworld and humanity’s hungry interstellar empire is one diminutive diplomat. To protect everyone he loves, he’ll have to convince the ship’s erratic collection of criminals, outcasts, and hallucinogen-huffing nuns to give up on the biggest payday in the Milky Way.

No sweat—because even if Skip doesn’t know the first thing about bioships or bulletseeds, he’s got a knack for making allies. But even if he can succeed before the stress and hallucinations of Sam drive him crazy, there’s a catch: deleting those coordinates may mean never seeing his world again.

Time’s running out to decide, as Toomi’s crew become ensnared in a reckless game of brinkmanship between galactic powers. With cutthroat alien factions closing in around him and his sanity hanging by a thread, the only way for Skip to save his home might be to forge a new one among the stars.

I’m a you-know-what from you-know-where who can bake a mean pretzel, with a penchant for collecting blu-rays of the best (and worst) B-movies I can find. With a lifelong love of pulpy sci-fi, I’ve always been fascinated by nonhuman perspectives and in-over-their-head protagonists. Thanks for your consideration!

Best,

[Name]

Generic query:

Dear Ms. (Mx., Mr., or agent expressed preference) X,

Given your interest in upmarket fiction with a strong sense of place and immersive worlds [customized to agent], I hope you'll consider Fiddler's Point, an 86,000-word literary novel with elements of magical realism. Like Julia Alvarez's The Cemetery of Untold Stories and Patti Callahan Henry's The Secret Book of Flora Lea, it follows a woman who discovers the story she thought she invented is true. Think an adult Wrinkle in Time meets Whitehead’s The Underground Railroad.

Margaux Andrews has spent her adult life writing her childhood as fiction because nobody would believe it otherwise. Now her boyfriend Kiyo has vanished, his plane swallowed by the sky, and an origami rose tumbles from her morning newspaper, folded in a hand she would know anywhere. In its creases, she finds an invitation to a hidden place that sends her on an impossible journey into her past, beginning at Fiddler's Point, the seaside refuge where her homeless family once found sanctuary.

There, Margaux resumes writing her novel about her family's 1968 road trip to the same beach house. The characters she invented turn out to be real, and her childhood haven a shelter with a greater purpose. As past and present converge, she realizes that Kiyo's disappearance, her family's history, and her novel are threads in the same quilt. Finishing her story means leaving herself behind to survive.

I am the author of Butterfly Dreams (Aristata Press, 2024), a Foreword INDIES Book of the Year finalist and Silver Medal recipient from the Independent Publishers of New England Book Awards. The childhood strand of Fiddler's Point draws on my family's experience of homelessness, reimagined through magical realism. I am a member of the Authors Guild, the Independent Book Publishers Association, and New Mexico Writers.

Thank you for your consideration. I would be delighted to send a full manuscript upon request. 

First 300 words:

I pour the last bit of hot water over the coffee grounds and watch the cone empty. I should have gone with him—the only man I've ever loved.

The dumbwaiter squeals as it begins its ascent to my fifth-floor loft, carrying the morning paper. Kiyo insisted on the dumbwaiter. Said it would keep me safer, as I would never need to open the door to strangers who might make dangerous deliveries. He feared for me, and rightly so.

A chime rings, and a green light above the door glows upon landing. I slide the door open to retrieve my daily copy of the New York Times, which I place on the table, slipping the rubber band off. With coffee in one hand, I unfurl it with the other. And then the world stops.

“PLANE VANISHES IN THIN AIR!”

The headline spans the entire front page. Below the headline, Kiyo’s headshot stares back at me. My coffee cup slips from my grasp, hits the floor, sending shards skittering in every direction. All I can see is that impossible word: vanishes. If I had gone with him, everything would be different.

Gold leaf floats in the morning sunlight streaming through the tall arched windows—remnants from when this building was the K. T. Anderson Company, a book binding factory that specialized in occult and mystical texts. A couple of days ago, Kiyo and I lay in bed, and he ran his fingers through my unruly dark mane. “Look,” he said, smiling, holding his hand out to show me the sparkling bits he captured from my hair. “Fairy dust.”

Now gold turns to ash. Vanished.

How could that actually happen?

The article recounts eyewitness reports of the plane’s disappearance. A tuna fishing crew off the Azores had been out on calm water early that morning when they spotted the plane flying unusually low, as though preparing to land at the military base on Terçeira.

Hi all! Would love some feedback please. This is a new genre for me (usually write fantasy) & I’ve found the time jump hard to get across in the query, so FYI:

•the book opens with protagonist arrest (present day), rest of the book is her recounting the summer/events (past 4 months) that led up to the arrest. Is this clear?
• Also, is the opening cheesy? (I was trying to wordplay on protagonist writing career)
• Does my ‘book’ section run off or sound relatable to the ‘whydunnit’ question?
• Comp suggestions welcome, I’m so stuck as need to read more in this genre.
• Kind of a First Wives Club (the film) reverse retelling about millennial Second Wives.
• any other feedback welcome 😊 pls be kind, first attempt!

Dear [AGENT NAME],

In a life-imitates-art plot twist, best-selling crime writer and Cotswold socialite Fliss Harcourt is arrested on the eve of her wedding for the murder of her best friend’s husband. She has one night—and one interrogation—to prove her innocence or swap walking down the aisle for one through a cell block. Only, the final hours before she was found floating in the same swimming pool as the victim, the murder weapon still in her hand, are missing from her memory.

Whilst waiting for legal counsel, Fliss attempts to hurry the interview along by recounting the summer that led to her arrest, certain the truth will clear her name. Fresh from a bestselling book tour, Fliss returns to the Cotswolds newly engaged expecting to enjoy her first social season as a bride-to-be, only to become Hellshire's newest 'second wife' when her fiancé's past comes to light, leaving her ostracised by the old-money circles she belongs to. Welcomed instead by an intoxicating group of nouveau-riche second wives, Fliss is seduced by a world of flashy new-found wealth and unapologetic female ambition unlike anything in Fliss's own aristocratic circle.

But as friendships deepen and rivalries surface, Fliss begins to realise that loyalty within this circle is conditional, and that beneath its glamour lie secrets far more dangerous than she first assumed. With morning fast approaching, Fliss must separate memory from manipulation before the story she's been telling becomes the evidence that condemns her.

Complete at 80,000 words, SECOND WIVES CLUB is a psychological thriller blending domestic suspense with social satire and an unreliable narrator at its core. It will appeal to readers of Lucy Foley, Lisa Jewell, and Gillian McAllister's THAT NIGHT.

Hi everyone! Never posted in here before but I would love any help.

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Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for my novel SONG OF THE ICE BEARS which is complete at 100,000 words. It is a YA fantasy aimed at readers 14 and above, which I feel has strong crossover appeal with older readers as well. I believe that it will appeal to readers young and old with the world building of Avatar: The Last Airbender, the adventure of A. F. Steadman’s Skandar series and the mythic bond between man and beast of Michelle Paver’s Wolf Brother and Katherine Rundell’s Impossible Creatures.

Kael has spent his life as an orphan dreaming of the world beyond the mountain that has been his home for sixteen years. Thinking that he will never achieve anything, that all changes when there is an attempt on his life and a member of the High Council reveals that he is the subject of a prophecy. He is destined to bring the Ice Bears back from extinction and return order to the world. Once they sung along with the Fire Orcas and Wind Lions to maintain order, their music as common as the wind, but their loss has allowed chaos to seep in.

With trouble brewing as empires and queendoms prepare for war, Kael is thrown into a magical world far bigger than he could ever have dreamed, travelling from his home on the mountain to the central isle of the Pocket Isles, before journeying across the Northern Tundras to recover three pieces of an Ice Bear skeleton in order to resurrect them. The fear of the West is growing as they begin to overstep their boundaries, and time is of the essence. But soon Kael learns that all is not as it seems, and to bring the Ice Bears back to life may not be the wisest decision.

I believe that it has series potential, and have plans drawn up for another two books that would expand upon the world, the lore and many secrets along the way as the nations go to war, adding love and sacrifice alongside great battles. I also have many other ideas that I am especially keen to work on. I have recently started work on another upper YA book which follows a young boy in the Stone Age after he is transformed into a vampire like creature and uncovers a plot that would spell the end for humanity.

[BIO]

Please find attached the first three chapters and synopsis. I really hope that you enjoy the extract and I look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Yours Sincerely,

[My name]

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Thank in advance for any help! :)

Note on genre - not sure exactly how to label this. "Cosy Adventure" also feels right, but it's real-life childhood adventures rather than pirates etc. "Cosy Contemporary Adventure" seems too long. Would appreciate any feedback on this!

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Dear <Agent>

I am seeking representation for THE FANTAIL FLEET, a middle grade cosy contemporary complete at 31,000 words.

>When two English city kids get dragged to the bottom of the world, middle of nowhere, they are distraught. Even worse, they’ve been dumped for the summer in a rickety jungle shack masquerading as a “holiday home” with a weird, barefoot grandfather they barely know. With zero phone signal, 11-year-old Noah can’t stop worrying that his mates back home will forget him, while 8-year-old Poppy is convinced the bugs will kill her before summer’s end. But then Grandad finds two old kayaks, and a whole new world reveals itself.

>Free from parents, screens and rules for the first time in their lives, the siblings overcome their fears and take to the sea. When they discover a secret beach accessible only by water, they claim it as their own and build a den as their summer headquarters–but soon discover that they are not the only coastal explorers. Best friends Elliot and Yuni from the nearby campsite have been visiting the same beach for years, and aren’t pleased to have newcomers interfering. So begins a battle of wits and tricks for ownership of the secret beach… until a prank gone wrong ends in a dangerous rescue mission, and their beloved kayaks are confiscated.

>As the summer comes to a close, a violent storm sweeps in and the siblings are given a second chance… if they can band together with their rivals to protect the coast and creatures they have all grown to love.

This novel is loosely inspired by SWALLOWS AND AMAZONS but set in modern, coastal New Zealand. It combines the outdoor adventures of THE FIREFLY SUMMER with the excitement of escaping tech & parents in AVERIL OFFLINE.

I grew up in England, before moving to New Zealand and later Germany. I currently live in Scotland where I am a member of a local kayak club. I have been writing stories all my life and in 2014 I won <competition>, consequently self-publishing a YA fantasy duology.

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With every jolt and every bar of signal that vanished from his new phone, Noah’s heart sank further. The gravel road rumbled under the car tyres, stones clanging against the bottom of the vehicle. A plume of dust rose behind them, hiding the last signs of civilisation.

“How long are you dumping us here for?” he asked again.

“We’ve talked about this, Noah,” said Mum from the driver’s seat. “It depends how long the renovations take. As soon as the new house is ready, we’ll come get you.”

Noah rolled his eyes and lifted his phone to message Yusuf, his best friend back in England.

Noah: Almost there. The road is literal dirt. Even school would be better than this.

He stared at the glowing screen, waiting for a reply–but it was the middle of the night on the other side of the world, and tomorrow was his friends’ first day back at school after Christmas holidays. Noah’s younger sister Poppy had not adjusted to the time change; she was snoring despite her forehead bouncing against the window.

The last bar of signal on Noah’s phone blinked and vanished. He groaned, stuffed it in his pocket, and gazed out at the cage of dense jungle that surrounded his home for the summer. No houses. No people. No shops. Just trees… row upon row of trees, shooting out of a waist-high sea of thick wet ferns. When Noah had first realised that Mum’s talk of moving down under was serious, he’d remembered a photo he’d once seen of Australia: shiny glass skyscrapers with rooftop restaurants, lining a beach packed with kids and surfers. But as soon as the plane touched down he’d discovered that New Zealand was Australia’s scrawny little sister, and had inherited none of the glitz or glam.

Hello! I’m hoping to get a feel for how my blurb reads. My manuscript is a cozy adult fantasy with a romantic sub plot. Thanks for the help!!!! 🤗

Dear [agent],

[book info and comp titles]

For three years, Autumn has run the only apothecary in Eaves, mostly treating the hangovers of her overindulgent townsfolk. It’s not glamorous. It’s certainly not lucrative. But after losing Gran, the apothecary is the only home she knows. Nothing ever happens in her sleepy town. No quests. No adventures. It’s the perfect place for a powerless witch such as herself to idle away every passing day. Or so she thought.

When a storm blows a rain-soaked ranger through her door, followed by a cursed shifter her magic can’t cure, Autumn’s quiet life is quiet no more. Suddenly she must travel to the elven kingdom, all while contending with a companion who answers every question in four words or fewer, a patient who might eat her if they dally, a bully horse who bleeds her dry of sugar cubes, and the sneaking suspicion that a long-dead magic might be returning to the continent—impossible as it may be.

The closer she gets to the elven land, and the maddening ranger by her side, the harder it is to ignore all the dark magic popping up around her. As fate would have it, Autumn isn’t the powerless witch she once believed. Accepting the truth might be the only cure to the strange curses sweeping the land. But Autumn knows that sometimes the hardest curses to break are the stories people believe about themselves. 

[bio and sign off]

Hi, I'm back with a second attempt for my query here on PubTips, and I would love some feedback on the newer version! Link to the first attempt here (After the previous post I got a R&R from an agent with some helpful feedback, that's why the word count was cut down and the title changed in the newest draft)

Dear X,

Given your interest in (personalization), I’m excited to introduce WHAT LIES IN OUR STARS, an adult science fantasy with dark academia and epistolary elements. The manuscript is a retelling of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and it is complete at 105,000 words.

Yejin’s fondness for tragedy withered the moment her friends mysteriously died beneath the painted sky of their Dormitory, the stars above whispering of history repeating itself.

Trapped inside a neoclassical space academy, Yejin and the surviving students—sons and daughters of the élite—are abandoned by adults to their own justice and unfinished business. But they are not alone. Students are bonded to Second Spirits, legendary historical figures who grant them supernatural mind powers.

As two rival factions use the deaths of their classmates to turn against one another, their parents’ war becomes their own, forcing Yejin and her Second Spirit—Brutus—to navigate shifting alliances and betrayals in a race to solve Julius Caesar’s riddle and prevent the Academy from running as scarlet as Rome did with the conspirators’ blood.

Framing the narrative are handwritten exchanges between Julius Caesar, Brutus, and their two pupils that slowly redefine both Rome’s most illustrious conspiracy and the tragedy unfolding in the pages. But as the line between friend and traitor collapses, Yejin begins to fear that their story has already been written, that she is bound to see her new friends slaughter each other and end up just like Brutus. 

Because in every age, Rome falls the same way: through betrayal.

WHAT LIES IN OUR STARS combines the intellectual dark academia atmosphere of Katabasis, the anonymous romantic correspondence of Divine Rivals and [insert comp based on agent’s wishlist]

I am a Foreign Languages student based in Venice with a longstanding passion for classical literature and ancient history. Since a young age, I’ve been immersed in the invisible footprints the Roman Empire left on Italian culture and social fabric, which inspired me for this fresh perspective on Shakespeare’s work.

The first X pages of the manuscript are included below. Please note that, for formatting purposes, the sample includes the epistolary elements embedded in the text preceded by a double hyphen. 

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

All the best,

Name and surname

First 300 words:

For as long as Changwo could remember, the stars had always shone the brightest when reflected in Yejin’s eyes. He remembered their spark when she got into the Intersolar University, the knowing smiles of the constellations when she became Pyxis’ Captain.
Sisal, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter.
The darkness he carried stretched across those around him like tongues of shadow. No glimmer of starlight would save them now, not from their own fate.
It was for him, unfortunately, that Changwo had found himself tailing Yejin and her Subdivision that fateful night.
The young man’s back rested against a veined marble column, his legs crossed as they casually bore his weight. Changwo’s Second Spirit—Odysseus—drifted forward with silent steps across the opus sectile, his attention caught by an unfamiliar cadet sprawled on the ground.
“Cogitans portam itineri dici longissimam esse!” the figure lying before Yejin shouted, his voice a grumble of Latin words that were clearly not his own.
The student kept thrashing on the floor, yet no one rushed to help him. 
It would do no good until his Second Spirit was satisfied. Those ancient beings loved to announce themselves by possessing their pupils and freak everyone out.
Yejin's gaze darted from one cadet to another. Her lips slightly parted.
“The harshest part of a journey is passing the gate,” translated a voice from the crowd of students, the words growing fainter with every syllable.
Yejin's head snapped up.
“It’s Varro.”
- - Sisal “If you had known Machiavelli half as well as all these ancient Romans, we would have spared ourselves 38 chapters of drama” - -
- - Yejin “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just write that…” - -
For a moment, even the gods carved into the pediments seemed to lower their gaze in approval.
The cadet on the ground went still.

Hello all!

I have sent out a query previously (before I had any idea what the rules of querying were. RIP to that version. It is buried in my backyard) and have finally done a rewrite. I still think this needs work, but I'm starting to spiral about it so I thought it might help to get outside opinions. Any feedback would be so greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Dear (agent),

I am currently seeking representation for my psychological mystery thriller, THE BELL RINGER. (Personalized intro sentence here)

Caleb Anderson is no stranger to caring for his seven-year-old brother, Ben. Growing up in the shadow of his father’s crippled mental health, Caleb learned to adapt early. He’s changed diapers, read bedtime stories, packed lunches, and inadvertently made Ben the foundation of his daily life. But now Ben is gone. Vanished into thin air during a blizzard. Caleb is wracked with guilt, determined to find him at any cost, even if it means risking his own life.

Meanwhile Caleb’s father, Noah, is practically numb. After years spent in seclusion—sustaining himself on a cocktail of pills and poor advice from his alcoholic brother—Noah’s shortcomings are thrust into the public eye as the town rallies in search of his son. His reclusive life is suddenly garnering more than just unwanted attention, but also forces him to reflect on the choices that brought him here.

When a bag of bones and rusty bell are discovered in the woods, both father and son assume the worst. But these bones don’t belong to Ben. In the midst of their pursuit, a decade-old cold case is brought back into the light, one which leaves Caleb questioning the connections between Ben’s disappearance and the case’s only suspect. With the weather worsening, hope of finding Ben alive begins to dwindle, pushing them all to their breaking points. Desperately seeking answers, Caleb must face a potentially dangerous man, and Noah must reconcile that the only way forward is to confront the resentments that have torn their family apart. Tensions rise, calling everyone’s past into doubt and ultimately begging the question, who needs saving more?

Told through multiple point-of-views, THE BELL RINGER is an 89,000-word mystery thriller that takes its readers deep into the psychological threshold between grief and desperation. A stark exploration of loss, familial bonds, and the shrapnel effect of intergenerational trauma, THE BELL RINGER blends mystery with powerful character dynamics. It combines the whodunit format of Local Woman Missing by Mary Kubica with the emotional character complexity of All the Colors of the Dark by Chris Whitaker.

(My crappy bio here. Hoping to get some short stories so I can beef it up a bit)

Hi all! Would love feedback on the below. I've already sent out a dozen or so of these but now realize I should have passed this through the pubtips critique line first. :)

Thank you!!

Dear Agent Name,

(Brief personalization) I’d love to offer BETH DOES IT ALL for your consideration.

Beth Baker, harried wife and mom of two, isn’t quite sure what’s missing from her life - why her friends seem to be able to tread water so skillfully in the sea that is family, career, and self-confidence, while she’s desperately searching for a life preserver. 

She has some theories, however: if she had a job she could brag about on LinkedIn, if she had more money, if she had more sex, if she had more freedom - then she’d know how to be happy. It’s too bad that the path she chose doesn’t seem to be heading in that direction.

Beth is ecstatic, then, to be given a chance to live the path not taken - a “Life B” complete with all the things she’s missing back home - thanks to an ambitious fairy godmother. She can come and go between lives as she wants, but there’s a catch: she’ll have to eventually decide which life to stay in permanently.

It was always Beth’s intention to choose her real life - her family is there, after all - but as she is drawn more and more into the fantasy of Life B, her resolve weakens. Will she discover the secret to happiness before it’s too late? Or will she end up losing what actually mattered in the first place?

BETH DOES IT ALL is a women’s fiction novel complete at 77,000 words. It combines the exploration of motherhood and identity of All Fours with the observational, slightly neurotic, and humorous vibes of the late great Sophie Kinsella’s novels.

I’m a mom of two young boys/tornadoes who once innocently ripped off my favorite chapter of The Hobbit for a second grade writing assignment. This would be my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
My Name

Hey everyone! I'm back with my third attempt. I received a lot of valuable feedback on my previous post and applied it to this new query letter. For reference, here are my first attempt and second attempt

As always, I would really appreciate any feedback you have. Thank you in advance!

Dear (agent’s name):

I’m seeking representation for FIX HER, a 93,000-word psychological horror thriller. Told from multiple perspectives, it follows a grieving mother lured to an isolated mansion by a teenager obsessed with replacing her dead daughter. The manuscript combines the unsettling exploration of motherhood found in The Push by Ashley Audrain and the toxic family dynamics and twisty suspense of What Lies Between Us by John Marrs.

One year after losing her thirteen-year-old daughter, nurse Emily has convinced herself she has moved on. She spends her days helping online strangers move past their grief, yet she ignores every call from the teenage son she refuses to admit she blames for the tragedy. When an online friend begs Emily to care for her sick fifteen-year-old daughter, Luna, Emily agrees to spend a few days at the family’s isolated mansion in the woods.

But Luna isn’t just sick. Her body is covered with bruises and cigarette burns, and Emily becomes convinced that she’s being abused by her own parents. Trapped without a car or phone service, she searches for a way to get Luna out. She won’t let another girl die.

The closer she looks, the more Emily realizes that child abuse is not the worst thing happening inside the mansion. The supposedly cruel parents begin acting like prisoners instead of abusers. They’re suddenly terrified of their own daughter.

When her own son is kidnapped and dragged to the mansion, Emily finds out far too late that she isn’t there to rescue anyone. Luna lured her there. Luna chose her. Emily will be the mother Luna has always dreamed of. They’ll be together forever.

Now Emily must play the role of Luna’s loving mother—or Luna will kill her son.

I’m a Chilean author with a degree in screenwriting. FIX HER is my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hello everybody! :)

I’m waiting for feedback from beta readers so what better way to crank up my anxiety even more than by posting my query! Yay!

Thank you in advance for all your lovely feedback!

—

THE THREE BOWS is a 120,000-word multi-POV romantic political fantasy inspired by the 19th century Satsuma Rebellion in Japan, and is perfect for fans of the magic-infused court intrigue in Antonia Hodgson’s The Raven Scholar and the quest for power in Shelley Parker-Chan’s She Who Became the Sun.

Ine reacts well when her new husband tries to assassinate her on their wedding night. Decades of fiery revolution have culled most of the old feudal clans, but for the sake of her daughters’ lives, Ine will endure whatever’s necessary to keep some power—including an arranged marriage. But what she won’t do is pretend that Sato, her younger husband and darling of the revolution, is a threat. 

After shattering Sato’s poison blade with a pinch of her fingers, Ine sits him down for a chat. Sato represents the country’s future: democratic, commoner-led, and open to importing foreign magic that promises a better life for all. Ine represents the past: when a feudal caste of supernatural warriors ruled so harshly, it sparked a revolution. But now, if Ine and Sato can agree to unite their holdings in a shared purpose, they can create a better world together.

The trouble is, no one wants them to—not Ine’s conservative, counter-revolutionary brother; not Sato’s jilted ex-wife and her ruthless ninja; and certainly not the foreign powers lurking in the background, who Ine knows put the poison blade in Sato’s hand. A hand, having explained their situation, she takes. When the skepticism fades from Sato’s eyes and a smirk graces his pretty mouth, he agrees to face their adversaries together. Ine knows it’s a lie, but it’s a lie in the right direction, which means it’s time to consummate their marriage and take the fractured country by storm.

THE MOON’S WRAITH is a 93,000 word romantasy novel with the unhinged romance of BUTCHER AND BLACKBIRD, the seafaring found family of THE ADVENTURES OF AMINA AL-SARAFI, and the slight cozy tonal leanings of HEMLOCK & SILVER.

For ten years, Jules believed him to be a monster. When the soulless she once abandoned abducts her to the Moon’s Wraith, she thinks he’s proved her right. The business she spent years cultivating, the graves of family gained and lost in that time, her careful abandonment of all the ghosts of their past—all stolen under the force of his whims, his desires. 

Worst of all, the soulless carries all the memories of the boy she once loved and wears his adult face. He knows her too well to underestimate her powers, stripping the song from her lungs and magic from her veins. He remembers all the patterns that brought them comfort as children and uses them to cloud her resolve to escape. He keeps her from her cauldrons like he could ever forget how much she needed them.

Slowly, Jules accepts that he didn’t return to punish her for past sins. His obsession wants her bound to his side, under his protection and control.

Without her magic, she can never feel truly safe there. Not when her own nature bucks against obedience no matter how threatening the command.

As the soulless introduces Jules to more of his world and the crew he built around himself, her inner dissonance rises to a fever pitch. Some of the crew are people she somehow actually likes, and the nymph in her blood strives to fully reconnect with the songs of the ocean. Jules wants to stay, an impossibility until she has the power to decide that for herself. She wants to connect, but her track record shows that connection only ever leads to loss.

The mother ocean’s dangers won’t wait for Jules to ground herself. Before she can sort out what she can dare to dream for their future, she’ll have to survive rival captains, vengeful demons, and the soulless himself. 

Hi! Thank you for your help in advance. I’ve sent out some query letters already after getting feedback in various forms (not from here), but still haven’t gotten a single request. So …. Yeah… please help. Thanks again.

Hi AGENT NAME,

I’m seeking representation for my debut novel, HARVEST, an 88,000-word literary thriller about a young man who is kidnapped for his organs and survives by joining the very syndicate that planned to kill and sell him. The novel will appeal to readers who enjoy the propulsive pacing of The Chain by Adrian McKinty and the criminal underworld immersion of The Godfather by Mario Puzo.

Nineteen-year-old Dre Mangum is trying to outrun the life Boston has handed him. Orphaned and boxed in by the city’s toughest neighborhoods, he turns to the drug trade with his childhood friends, Terrance and Philip, the only family he has left.

The money offers escape. The power offers control. For once, things are going right—until they’re kidnapped by an organ-trafficking syndicate and set to be killed and sold for their organs.

Desperate to stay off the operating table, Dre convinces the syndicate he may be worth more to them alive than dead. Instead of carving him up, they offer him a deal: kidnap and deliver two people to be sold in his place, and he can earn a place among their ranks.

If he succeeds, he stays alive. If he fails, he’ll be taken back and cut apart.

Dre takes the deal to buy time, but what begins as a desperate bid for survival pulls him deeper into the syndicate’s brutal world, forcing him to confront the question he’s been running from his whole life: how far is he willing to go to make it out—and what will it cost him if he does?

My short fiction has appeared in more than forty literary magazines. I am a recipient of the Phyllis Gebauer Scholarship in Writing and a graduate of the UCLA Extension Fiction Writing Certificate program.

HARVEST draws on my experiences living in a dangerous Boston neighborhood, my travels, and my lifelong attraction to the road less traveled.

I currently reside in Southern California.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

First 300 words:

Dre’s heart pounds as the train screeches into the station.

The platform shudders beneath him. An icy wind howls through the tunnel. Across the crowd, a man in a red jacket stares at him.

He tells himself it’s nothing. Just someone who saw him and decided to look back. Still, the man doesn’t glance away.

Two boys dart past and clip Dre’s leg. He shifts, catching himself before he stumbles. Their mother yanks them close, eyes flicking to Dre like he’s dangerous, like he’s the kind of guy you keep your kids away from.

Maybe she’s not wrong.

When Dre looks back up, the man in the red jacket is already gone.

The train grinds to a stop. Dust sweeps the platform as commuters drift toward the yellow line. Dre angles around them, scanning over shoulders and between bags for that red jacket.

He double-checks his inside pocket and tucks the cash firmer against his body. His nerves always spike right before a big deal. He tells himself it’s just one more job, one more handoff. Then he can figure it out. He slips into the train amid the late-afternoon rush, the doors clamping shut behind him.

The man’s stare keeps replaying. A shadow of dread creeps in. It could be nothing, but the last time Dre ignored his instincts, he ended up with a gun to his head and a scar he still traces when he can’t sleep.

The train jolts forward, plunging into the tunnel. Dre grips the icy pole as the car lurches.

Then he spots him, sitting at the far end—the man in the red jacket, staring harder this time. Neither looks away. It feels like a game of chicken.

Curious what people think, thanks!

Dear [Name],

EVERGREEN is an adult romantic fantasy complete at 90,000 words. It is an indictment of the death penalty and harsh punishments endemic to many justice systems told through a fantasy lens. It combines the action and politics of We Who Will Die by Stacia Stark with the fantasy worldbuilding and romance of The Prison Healer by Lynette Noni.

When Lilah awakens on a boat with no memory of the last two years, she’s told that she has committed a horrible crime. The Crown has sentenced her to death, but a new program has been introduced to give her a second chance. All criminals sentenced to death have been sent to Evergreen Island, and if she can kill every criminal there, she will earn her freedom.

Every criminal on the island, however, has been offered the same deal. At first, Lilah isn’t sure if she wants to participate. She doesn’t have the nerve to kill anyone, and she can’t imagine what she could’ve done to be sentenced to death. She was told that she agreed to this, that her memories were taken to ensure that no convict is treated differently because of their crime, and that no one on the island remembers why they are there. After a few days, Lilah can be sure this is true, because she has a Talent, a magical ability, and hers tells her when people are lying to her.

Then she meets Soren. His Talent is that the herbs that took their memories don’t work on him. He remembers everything — and he remembers that he has never committed a crime. He was kidnapped and brought to the island, and he wants to find out why. Lilah knows he’s telling the truth, and agrees to help him break into a bunker run by the Crown.

The island is treacherous, and full of killers who want to win their freedom by killing everyone they meet. Lilah and Soren grow closer as they fight off threats, killing when they must, falling in love. When they reach the bunker, though, they find out that their fight is just beginning.

Nearly half of the people on the island did not commit any crime, and were sentenced to death for being threats to the Crown. When Lilah manages to retrieve her own memories, she finds out that she isn’t who she remembers herself as before her memories were taken, and there is something deeply wrong with the entire system. It needs to be torn down, and Lilah and Soren are determined to do just that — even if they have to leave a trail of bodies behind them.

[Personalization]

[Bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[Name]

You know those listings online or in the yearbook where they have the agency name, address, telephone number? That's just about it for this agency.

It's been around for decades, doesn't have a website, doesn't want any subs by emails either. All by post, including SAE. It's like I fell down a hole into 1997.

It's been very hard finding anything about them, including the authors they represent. The most detail was from an old forum post in 2006.

Having said all that, they cover my genres and no others. So they'd be a definite for my sub list, if I knew anything about them.

What do you think? Is it worth subbing? My worry is that anything I'd find out about them after sub would come from them. I know the Internet isn't always reliable but it makes a huge difference to see general info on an agency, even if it's just knowing they are legit.