r/vaginismus

Me and my partner get sexually intimate maybe like once a month, though I would want more because he's really good at making me feel good. But often he's not in the headspace (exhausted from work, him feeling unattractive but not seeking my reassurance etc). I asked him if there's any concerns I should know or something I should do differently, but he said there's none for me to worry about.

For a while I'm cool with these reasons, but I'm starting to wonder, if maybe I didn't satisfy him and that's why he's hardly turned on enough.

He's been great, not rushing me, not even expecting we'll have PIV for us to be in a romantic relationship. But I can't help but wonder if there's indeed a part of him he's hiding to not hurt my feelings and make me feel bad about something I can hardly control.

He's said PIV is how he experiences the most pleasure, and he's embarrassed that he doesn't experience pleasure from handjobs/blowjobs. We'd dry hump and he said he'd like to focus on my pleasure, but to my knowledge he never came off. Is that a bad thing? Is it really possible for a man to be truly content with getting his partner off, or am I just anxious and insecure with my condition?

I just gave birth to a 9lb boy about 24 hours ago and I just realized what that means for my body. I suffer from vaginismus and pelvic floor disorder and had a vaginal birth. Thank god I got the IUD because I think I would’ve died from the pain. My vagina tore in several places including on the inside which took an entire hour to stitch up! Intercourse with my husband has been very few (I can count on both hands how many time we’ve done it in the 10 years I’ve known him) and now I’m afraid I’m never going to be able to have intercourse ever again due to the physical trauma of birth. My son so far is the best thing I’ve ever done and I am so in love with him already but I’m scared for my first love, my husband, that I won’t be able to satisfy him to the fullest anymore. I’m gonna try PT for the third time in 5 years if I can’t deal with this on my own.

Thanks for reading my rant

i started dilator therapy in march and was able to get through the first two sizes easily, but have been struggling with the third for weeks. i was finally able to insert it without pain at the end of a long session, but i'm not confident moving on to the fourth size will go well. sometimes i see posts on here of people being able to blow through a whole 8 size set in just a few months and it makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong.

what have some of you found to be the average time it takes you to move to the next size? are there any factors that help/hinder your progress?

I have loving parents, and a loving and supportive partner. But since ive started Pelvic Floor Therapy i’ve just felt so isolated and lonely. I know there’s plenty of other people with this condition, especially based on this sub. But aside from my mom, my bf and my therapist, i feel almost embarrassed to talk to anyone else about it. Im just not sure if anyone else can relate and reassure me that what i’m feeling is normal.

I am starting my journey and part of me doesn't even want to. I feel mentally ok with never having piv sex again but feel like I'm only starting this journey for my boyfriends benefit and pleasure. Which makes me kind of resent the whole process before I even start. I am the one who has to take time almost every day to do something uncomfortable, get lube all over and have to clean myself up after and I just would rather not do any of it. So I'm going into this angry almost. My boyfriend is unbelievably supportive which makes me feel even worse that I feel this way. Just wondering if anyone else started out resentful but maybe found themselves in the process? Or found their own pleasure in the process?

Hello!
27F, I need your advice on inserting dilators. I use a lot of lubricant, intimate lidocaine cream, and deep breathing. But every time I try to insert even the smallest dilator, I freeze up and my hand won’t go any further even though I want to do it. Help !!! how can I get past this?

I also want to mention that I get my menstrual period regularly, and my doctor told me that everything is fine with my vagina. However, it seems like my hymen almost completely covers the opening, because with the lidocaine I was able to touch a little inside, and that whole membrane feels hard and protruding I feel a burning sensation, but that’s all.

I know this kind of overlaps between relationships and vaginismus issues but just for the sake of talking about the latter where it belongs, I wanted to post it here.

My 24F bf 26M and I have been together for a year and few months and we had an amazing, spontaneous, experimental sex life since the start as I am quite active too. 8 months into it, I developed PID and it started with pain during sex and in a month or so there was an infection and further pelvic pain. As a result I underwent multiple pelvic exams and after a long journey of 3 months, the infection was cleared. Obviously we couldn't have sex during this time period but unfortunately after this too, I now have vaginismus as I get the burning sensation / pain whenever anything is inserted.

My bf has been very supportive throughout and nudged me to go to the doctors etc and said he's not going anywhere. Yet, since the time we've moved in (past three months), our romance has come down to a zero. I tried to have a conversation on this and he has blamed other things I have listed below but one experience has been around the vaginismus. Recently, after the use of dilators, it has improved to the extent that after a little bit of intial discomfort, we are able to have PIV sex. I am very happy to reach this stage but my bf feels it's awkward and rather, killing intimacy as its quite a trial and error process. After an open conversation he's also mentioned that he is not happy that I am not practicing dilators on my own and not getting further help from the doctors. The doctors have run all tests and there's no infection nothing and further examination means more speculum which may set things backwards. Pelvic floor therapy or a private gynac, which also he has suggested, will be expensive. Plus doing dilators alone, I feel alone in that. He insists I should try and do them alone.

I also mentioned how outside of the sex situation we barely are romantic, there's no other sexual actions initiated towards me (although he regularly asks for head for himself), and we kiss much less too. Its like roommates living together. I thought the dilators followed by PIV sex will get us out of this rut, but well, it doesn't work for him.

When I tried to bring these things up he has blamed the impact vaginismus has had on our relationship, the fact that I don't do dilators or pelvic exercises on my own, and how he has limited capacity and he's trying to give the actions to me but unable to.

Am I in the wrong here or what?

Edit: I do own up that fair, I need to do more of the dilators on my own even if I don't want to.

Other context:

In the last three months, we also moved in together as unfortunately I lost my job. Meanwhile he feels miserable in his job, has ADHD and stopped those meds to try and manage without, and wants to leave everything behind to go travelling. I have tried to support his travelling calling and gave it a plan as something we'll do next year and actively starting selling items for it. I have also set our routine for the gym. Any time he is not being summoned at work he watches YT, plays games, or watches reels. I am not sure if I need to give space as its his mid life crisis or something is seriously wrong in our relationship. I don't understand how he is happy on running it on autopilot like this. At the same time I am glad he is beside me despite vaginismus coming up in our lives currently but are my bars too low?

I have seen others explain their experience so I thought I’d share mine as well.

I finally had PIV! (23F) Let’s discuss…

From a young age I always had pain when attempting to use tampons or trying to insert fingers. Nothing worked. I eventually gave up and avoided the situation until I met my boyfriend in 2023. After lots of time and patience, he managed to insert his finger inside. At this point I self-diagnosed myself with vaginismus. Bought a dilator set. I managed to get two small sizes inside until September of 2025 when my boyfriend pointed out two small holes that he could see in my hymen. We managed to take a photo and sure enough, yup - I had a septate hymen with two very small holes and a decently thick hymen. I then booked my first OBGYN appointment and was scheduled for a hymenectomy November 3/25. It was a successful procedure although awkward given that I work at my hospital as a surgical RN and seen many colleagues during my procedure. On my first post-op appointment December 3/25, my OBGYN trimmed my remaining stitches and tried to insert a finger. It was painful and he could feel my pelvic floor muscles spasming. After that appointment I started doing my own external pelvic floor stretches at home. On January 5/26 he still said my muscles were still tight. Officially diagnosed me with Vaginismus. He referred me to PFPT and cleared me to start internal therapy again. I decided I did not want to go to PFPT yet (no coverage currently), and that I wanted to see how far I could go my myself. I used all the PFPT tips that I learned in this thread (breathing techniques, dilators, stretches/yoga, heating pads/ hot showers to help relax my muscles before sessions). From January-March I dilated and managed to get to size 8 of intimate rose. I continued with dilators over the last few months here and there inconsistently.

Yesterday (May 19th), we decided to try PIV for the first time in 10 months after dilating and it worked (my BF is girthier than size 8 of IR set). We tried in a few different positions, some more comfortable than others. But I’m just so surprised it actually went in with minimal discomfort. This is coming from someone who used to cry over a finger or felt light headed when trying to insert a tampon. I think it will take some time and practice to adjust to his size now but I feel so relieved that all this hard work has finally succeeded. It has been such a long journey with ups and downs but this goes to show that you can and will achieve whatever you put your mind on. I can still feel myself tensing and I have to frequently remind myself to let go throughout each day. I wouldn’t say I am cured yet, I know I still have work to do but this is a major milestone.

I used to read so many of these threads and never actually thought that I would one day be writing one about myself! I was genuinely so convinced that his P would never fit inside of my V. I hope this gives at least one person the hope to keep going. I know it’s hard, it’s exhausting and such an inconvenience to our life but I believe in every single one of you.

Now my questions for those who have already achieved PIV, specifically with a girthier partner:

Any secret tips on how to make PIV more enjoyable? Recommended positions while still adjusting fully to his size?
Any other advice would be appreciated.

Thanks guys.

I'm still living with my very traditional Muslim family, so sex is super taboo in my household and something I'm expected to not really engage with. That extends to masturbation and anything related to penetration, including using a tampon. I've been struggling with vaginismus symptoms since middle school (I'm 19 now), but I really can't risk buying products to help like toys, dilators or even lube in case of my parents finding them. The fact that it's a medical issue won't change their views. It's worth noting though that I'm personally an atheist and have been at ease with my sexuality for a long time. So any religious guilt that's contributing isn't entirely conscious, and I don't know what to do about that while still being surrounded by religious doctrine in my daily life. I've tried exercises and breathing techniques but have never been able to insert more than one finger. If anyone else has found success while in a similar situation, how did you go about it?

I’ve never made a post like this before but I have nowhere else to ask for help.

I’m a virgin and so is the guy I’m with, and we decided we wanted to finally have sex. We tried about two weeks ago and he couldn’t find the hole at all. He asked me to guide him but the problem is… I couldn’t find it either. Today we tried again and spent like 40 minutes trying and failing and now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for not knowing how my own body works.

I really want to do this but I genuinely don’t know where I’m supposed to be looking. I’ve seen people say “it’s lower than you think” but I still have zero idea. I’m really hoping I’ll be able to get some advice from you guys cause we’re gonna try again tomorrow.🥲

Hey guys.. i have been dilating for almost 6 months,happy with progress,love dilation and learning my body..but i have been getting recurrent uti’s,i am on my 3/4 episode since beginning of the year..i am very thorough with hygiene,i dilate after showers,i wash my dilator before use,i wash my hands..it is much easier to move my dilator in an upward direction towards the urethra since i have pain with downward movement,that could possibly be a contributing factor..any advice for me?

What does maintenance look like for you? Do you dilate, if so, how often?

If not, how long did you continue dilating for once achieving PIV?

Would also love to know how you navigated the transition from dilators to PIV?

I have been recently diagnosed with Vaginismus!

Putting tampons in has been SO PAINFUL for me for the past two years. I’ve been able to use them on the first and second day of my period for the past year but not without enduring so much pain whilst putting them in and taking them out. Even spending 5 mins just to put one in!

UNTIL NOW!

I saw someone in a comment section of a TikTok say to try and take a deep breath in when putting in a Tampon. I mean the deepest breath in that you can possible take!

IT WORKS LIKE A CHARM!

The tampon went right in! I was AMAZED!

I tested it out again and yet again it works SO WELL.

Right as you are about to put it in take a MASSIVE BREATH IN and it goes straight in!
This has worked for many others as they replied in the comments!

Please please try this it’s a game changer that I had to share!!!

28F, Been suffering with this for years. Never been able to have sex. Finally took the plunge and have paid to get Botox done and am getting the procedure next week.

Have read through a few posts on here but just wondering if anyone who has had any experience with Botox for vaginismus would like to share their story, how the process went, if it “cured you” how long etc etc. I’m feeling nervous!

TONGUE TIE

*this is really just a theory, but found this conversation interesting and thought I’d share*

For Context: I just welcomed my first baby last year with my husband. We used an at home insemination kit. My boy was having some trouble nursing and eating. So we saw a lactation consultant who referred us to an occupational therapist who does cranialsacral therapy. Basically, due to my baby’s tongue and lip tie, his body was extremely stiff/tight. He was not able to relax at all. So this specific therapist advised us to get his tongue tie cut and then she worked on him for several weeks. This boy is so much more relaxed now, and is eating so much better, yay! Anyway, while the therapist was helping my son, I told her how thankful I am for her working on him because I myself deal with body tenseness. I told her I have a very tight pelvic floor (Vaginismus yay). She asked if she could look in my mouth to see if I had a tongue tie. I showed her and she noticed I had one and that I couldn’t lay my entire tongue on the rough of my mouth. She said, “I wonder if getting your tongue tie cut would help your pelvic floor relax since it’s all connected”. OUR TONGUE IS DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO OUR PELVIC FLOOR.

Maybe this theory is already out there in this page, but it was the first I’m hearing of it. I wasn’t able to nurse as a baby and nobody helped my mom figure it out. I now know it was due to my tongue tie. I’m genuinely super curious if getting my tongue tie released would help relax my pelvic floor. I gave up healing about two years ago, so I’m not sure I’m ready to even have that conversation with myself. But I just thought I’d share what I learned, and see if maybe anyone else had learned this or thought about it.

*I didn’t know how to tag this post so I just put physical therapy bc I thought that was somewhat related Lol*

Edit: I also have a speech impediment and saw someone say sometimes a tongue tie can make it worse. Now I’m tempted to get mine cut to see if it helps my speech AND pelvic floor.

I know this is not an option for everyone but I recently decided to discontinue hormonal birth control after being on it for over a decade. Within a few weeks my vaginismus has improved by at MINIMUM 70%. Honestly it's probably closer to an 85% improvement. Simply from stopping BCP. I know the solution isn't that simple for most people by any means but just wanted to share my experience.

At times it is hard to keep up hope to meet someone who will be patient and understanding, who will love you for the person you are instead of what you can/can’t offer in bed. What do they do that helps you deal with your vaginismus?

Let me hear all about your kind and patient partners and help restore some hope for the rest of us ❤️

I have finally started seriously trying to dilate after putting it off for ages and moved up sizes maybe too fast (only used size one for 1 day before doing sizes 1 + 2 the next day) since I felt 0 pain. (Yay!) I was a bit tipsy which I know shouldn't be relied on too much but did make me more relaxed.

But I woke up this morning with a horrible pain for a bit in my stomach area (almost like period cramps but definitely higher). I did Some googling and it seems somewhat normal from the tension carrying up but I'm curious how common this is? I hadn't seen it mentioned before it happened

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the fact that the doctors told my parents that there were no risks aside from a small risk of cancer from the X-Rays. Since been diagnosed with Vaginismus, PTSD, and a catheter injury. Healing is so messy 😭

hi id appreciate any advice one this, Im trying to be extra careful cus i am still very much scared of the down under 🥲 (spare me i grew up in a religious household and am desperate to feel normal) I have been drawing pictures of women doin everyday things while getting penetrated, wierdly that calms me down a bit. I dont draw them enjoying it (cus i dont understand that yet) but i also dont draw them feeling the pain i think this is a wierd way my body wants me to normalize penetation. this has helped me remove some of the fear i have around the dialators which im not gonna lie have been intimidating, i tried putting the smallest one in and i felt it sting it wasn’t just any pain it felt like i was gwtting stabbed and i began to cry👍🙂‍↕️. which is also something i do these days i have no patience for anything revolving this matter, i expect my body to be doing what its supposed to and when it doesn’t i loose it. cus what do you mean i cant take that small little thumb sized level 1 dialator. i knew it was bad but is it really this bad?
do i just continue pushing it while it feels like im getting stabbed when do i stop? i have a good amount of pain tolerance but i dont want to tear anything.