u/KatLady2222

I didn't consciously make the conclusion until looking at past Facebook memories and remembering what I was going through every year around this time for the past 5 years... This year is so different of course. But I'm trying to heal an notice and learn myself and my triggers. My brain, the protective thoughts, the "escape" thoughts have taken a pull. Feeling as if I'm losing my sense of self all over again and sense of direction I was going towards. Does anyone else struggle like this? I was doing so well before August

I am a 25yr mother to a toddler. An I do my very best every day. My family is a huge help. I started working which is a big step. But I still struggle ridiculously. It's often that I get emotionally triggered. The emotional flashbacks don't usually start until after the protective thoughts. I have learned allot about my own being and mind. But when I am heavily triggered and the emotions and feelings from past trauma come rushing in, my entire nervous system breaks down, my brain force shuts off, causing a psychological seizure. .... I've been doing so good. Then I'm back at fighting with my own headspace everyday. Certain times of the year even effect me. August has had a hold on me. I'm way more prone to being triggered, way more on edge and just depressed and disappointed in myself for having another seizure, let alone a severe one. I really need to get my seizures under control so I can eventually get my licence. When I'm doing alright and am not so prone due to triggers or time of year I feel so confident that I can achieve my goals. But when it's all so.. heavy.. and when I end up losing my grip and have these seizures I get super down on myself. Super disappointed in myself. I have dreams for me and my child. But often get feelings of hopelessness when it's so heavy. I've talked to therapist, counselors, but I have never found anyone that truly understands. When I get talking about my trauma even some of it, I begin to think about how I felt then and began to feel it in the moment and they don't seem to understand the difference and seem to assume I'm still in danger which makes everything worse. They basically encourage my protective thoughts and make me more on edge and basically more prone to having these seizures. I just want to be healthy mentally, I want to stay out of survival mode. I've been out and have felt it only in glimpses of moments with my child. And when I have been accomplishing allot of little things. My life is really messy because of my inability to drive. And often gets messy and I lack at work when I'm really struggling. I'm not sure how to truly heal. I write often to get things "out of my mind" like stressed and worrys or sometimes just so I can see things differently. But I don't know if I truly started the healing process besides ridding the biggest cause of trauma of close contact and rarely talking to him unless it concerns our child. His family hates me (they are all narcissistic manipulatiors as well) because I opened up about what he's done to me. He's sober and working on getting better himself from the things he went through that caused him to abuse drugs and break me. Which is great but.... I'm my child's main person. I'm number one. An I really want to heal and become the best role model for my baby. I am at loss right now. Feeling as if I am stuck in the loop due to the time of year, triggers upon triggers. Nervous system overload and emotional/ mind shutdowns. Worse part is my child can see it. My child can tell and know when I am super struggling and they do their best to help and they are so young. I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for struggling so badly because of how it effects her seeing me like this. And my family...the people I work with have had unfortunately witnessed me have a seizure.... I am at loss........