u/mygoingmerry

This is really embarrassing but I escape through fantasy and fiction a lot and then there are times where i imagine my fictional crush taking care of me, doing everyday things for me and then for a moment i feel more like a person. Somewhat less pitiful, more respectable? More whole and even beautiful and worthy of space.

It's like how you meet people who have a loving family, I personally look at those people and have the opinion that they're 10× more beautiful and whole than others for some reason?

Tbh I'm not ugly and i know that, I'm sure I'm somewhat conventionally attractive but still i feel dried out and hallowed and dull and like people can always see that I'm not full, I'm only half there. But this thing is at times able to grab me out of that place, not always because it can also make me feel very pitiful and pathetic at times.

What is this feeling and how do you think this can translate to real life? I try to take care of myself but I don't think it's the same as another person doing it very naturally for you. Irl I think i would push away someone who was taking care of me and I'm scared of conditional connections even though i know that's how it's supposed to be. I just want to explore this concept.

Lately I've been more and more calm. I feel okay And if i don't, it feels possible to guide myself back to relative stability. My challenge at the moment is not feeling comfortable pursuing things. Throughout summer break, I've read books which is good because i stopped reading for a long time but I've find that i find it hard to make myself do much else. I started some art projects earlier this year and thought I'd complete at least one in this break but i couldn't. I wanted to do yoga as well but didn't. It isn't paralysing fear and aversion like before but there's always this discomfort in my body, fear like a calm river under my skin.

I want to know what's the best way i can understand it and work to release it? If anyone has any advice on this, it'd be helpful.

My 3-month-old tragus piercing has a small ring of peeling, raw-looking skin around it, it's not too wide I have to pull on the stud to be able to see it. I sleep on it, wear earbuds, and move the jewelry a lot. There's no pus, not much redness, and it only hurts when crusts stick to it and i try to move it but the pain resolves once the crusts are loose and the piercing moves freely.

I'll try to stop moving it, sleeping on it and wearing earbuds but i wanted to know if i should be doing anything else for it to heal? I've mostly put nothing on it because my 2 lobe piercings healed fine without saline spray or anything like that.

I'm really scared of my tragus falling off 😭

I'm using skin A cream and though i use a pea sized amount, it still feels super runny in this heat and i hate it. Is there any local tretinoin available in gel form? I really liked adapco gel, it felt really nice and everything but I'm on tret now and I just can't find one in gel

I have fine wavy hair and i wash it everyday because of how sweaty and gross it gets from going to university everyday.

I don't have much of a curly hair routine. I tried loreal silky curls gel and I don't really like it. It probably does make the poofiness go away but I'm not a big fan of the "curls", weirdly separated, i think my hair looks even thinner because of it? Not sure how to explain it. 2 girls i know said my hair looked better but I'm just not sure.

One thing i noticed is that sometimes instead of washing it with products, I just soak my hair with water only to remove the dirt and grime and that brings out an entirely different kind of waves. Looser, not spiral, more like the shape of instant noodles, it's still not the best ik but way better than the results the gel gives me and if i could somehow define that more, that'd be ideal.

My question is can someone who understands hair better explain what's happening here? And help me understand what i need to do to for my hair. I really don't understand hair physics at all honestly.

I'm 22F, I have mildly oily/combination skin and I randomly got a dove cleanser which I've been using for like 2 months? Or a little more than that. It's been fine but I wanted to ask if there are any good ones under or around 1k that I should go for

My skin is pretty good already, never had any acne, pimples or breakouts and used to use bar soap on my face without any problems until I seriously started thinking of skin care around the start of this year so my skin isn't sensitive.

I have started using tretinoin (skinA) recently and im using it once a week. (I was using adaplene every night before that because i didn't wanna immediately jump to tret and my skin never had any reaction to both of these retinoids) - mentioning this in case it matters.

Lastly, I'm using dermive oil free moisturiser.

Any other skin care recs are also welcome!

22F here. I grew up eldest of 3 siblings and also the eldest grandchild. I'm 2 years older than my sister and 3.5 years older than my brother.

When i was a kid, i remember my siblings would intentionally try to annoy me by calling me names, teaming up on me, making fun of me, screwing with my things etc. Sometimes I'd tell my parents or fight back and then our parents would break up the fight. It would end in me telling them what happened and they'd promise that if next time something like this happened, they'd intervene on my behalf and that I shouldn't fight back.

And everytime they promised that, i believed it. I would go to them, i would tell them what's happening and they'd tell me to be the bigger person and not pay attention to my siblings because I'm older/ more mature. It would feel like such a betrayal. There were times when i actually tried not saying/doing anything back which i think excited my siblings even more i guess and they'd get worse. This went on for years until i knew they were just not coming for me and i stopped relying on them.

Then when i started getting angry at things, my parents' script flipped in a way. They'd tell me and my siblings that I'm some crazy bitch that belongs in the psych ward and they'd say things like how i was entirely responsible for things not being peaceful at home when everyone else is so nice and reasonable. They'd take my siblings away and love on them which is not something they did with me when they were telling me to not say anything back. It was a thing, whenever they all had a fight with me, the next day they'd bake a cake or do something nice while i was away in my room and talk really sweetly with each other while ignoring me.

I was a really nice well behaved kid at school so at parent teacher meetings, my teachers would say nice things about me plus my friends also had similar opinions so my parents would tell me that I pretend to be nice at school and that I'm evil inside.

There was this time when i think i heard them say mean things about me from the other room so i just went to my room. My mother came to call me for something, i told her im not coming because they're gossiping about me and she said im not so special that they'd talk behind my back.

The thing is now i am very angry at home. I flip out on things because I've tried reasoning and it never worked in my favor and they still obviously say im crazy and should be in a facility and if i have a fight with any of them, they just assume it must be me everytime. They tell me that i can't accept it when im wrong but i feel like if you just assume I'm the one who's wrong everytime without knowing what happened then you're the one who thinks you're always the right one, no? So im not like innocent or nice. I wonder if this is scapegoating? I think it could be but i don't know for sure. Every other scapegoat I've read about, i feel like they're just really nice and don't say anything back usually.

I've had a weird relationship with my father because whenever a fight got really out of hand, he would suddenly turn and act nice and listen to me right after being very standoffish, blame-y and angry at me, and I'd be crying hiccupping telling him how my mother treats me (she's probably a narcissist, there's a whole essay i could write on her but essentially, she's just NEVER liked me and i don't know what a small child could've done to her to deserve that treatment). He'd agree with me and make me believe he was seeing me and i dont think he was lying or just trying to diffuse the situation, like it felt super sincere and genuine. It would be kinda euphoric in a way like oh he finally sees how much im struggling. And then his energy would change the next day. Literally the next day. I'd tell him i was lonely because my mother didn't love me and he'd agree on the reasons, he'd say he's going to spend an hour everyday with me or like 3 times a week and then he just wouldn't. Not even once did he make good on that promise. And it would confuse me so much because i thought he was nice (which is funny in hindsight because he'd also beat me up with his belt when he got mad at me to the point that i started internally flinching at the sight of a belt so idk why id think that lol). Only 2-3 years ago did i even start to realize that it was probably some kind of manipulation.

22F here. I grew up eldest of 3 siblings and also the eldest grandchild. I'm 2 years older than my sister and 3.5 years older than my brother.

When i was a kid, i remember my siblings would intentionally try to annoy me by calling me names, teaming up on me, making fun of me, screwing with my things etc. Sometimes I'd tell my parents or fight back and then our parents would break up the fight. It would end in me telling them what happened and they'd promise that if next time something like this happened, they'd intervene on my behalf and that I shouldn't fight back.

And everytime they promised that, i believed it. I would go to them, i would tell them what's happening and they'd tell me to be the bigger person and not pay attention to my siblings because I'm older/ more mature. It would feel like such a betrayal. There were times when i actually tried not saying/doing anything back which i think excited my siblings even more i guess and they'd get worse. This went on for years until i knew they were just not coming for me and i stopped relying on them.

Then when i started getting angry at things, my parents' script flipped in a way. They'd tell me and my siblings that I'm some crazy bitch that belongs in the psych ward and they'd say things like how i was entirely responsible for things not being peaceful at home when everyone else is so nice and reasonable. They'd take my siblings away and love on them which is not something they did with me when they were telling me to not say anything back. It was a thing, whenever they all had a fight with me, the next day they'd bake a cake or do something nice while i was away in my room and talk really sweetly with each other while ignoring me.

I was a really nice well behaved kid at school so at parent teacher meetings, my teachers would say nice things about me plus my friends also had similar opinions so my parents would tell me that I pretend to be nice at school and that I'm evil inside.

There was this time when i think i heard them say mean things about me from the other room so i just went to my room. My mother came to call me for something, i told her im not coming because they're gossiping about me and she said im not so special that they'd talk behind my back.

The thing is now i am very angry at home. I flip out on things because I've tried reasoning and it never worked in my favor and they still obviously say im crazy and should be in a facility and if i have a fight with any of them, they just assume it must be me everytime. They tell me that i can't accept it when im wrong but i feel like if you just assume I'm the one who's wrong everytime without knowing what happened then you're the one who thinks you're always the right one, no? So im not like innocent or nice. I wonder if this is scapegoating? I think it could be but i don't know for sure. Every other scapegoat I've read about, i feel like they're just really nice and don't say anything back usually.

I've had a weird relationship with my father because whenever a fight got really out of hand, he would suddenly turn and act nice and listen to me right after being very standoffish, blame-y and angry at me, and I'd be crying hiccupping telling him how my mother treats me (she's probably a narcissist, there's a whole essay i could write on her but essentially, she's just NEVER liked me and i don't know what a small child could've done to her to deserve that treatment). He'd agree with me and make me believe he was seeing me and i dont think he was lying or just trying to diffuse the situation, like it felt super sincere and genuine. It would be kinda euphoric in a way like oh he finally sees how much im struggling. And then his energy would change the next day. Literally the next day. I'd tell him i was lonely because my mother didn't love me and he'd agree on the reasons, he'd say he's going to spend an hour everyday with me or like 3 times a week and then he just wouldn't. Not even once did he make good on that promise. And it would confuse me so much because i thought he was nice (which is funny in hindsight because he'd also beat me up with his belt when he got mad at me to the point that i started internally flinching at the sight of a belt so idk why id think that lol). Only 2-3 years ago did i even start to realize that it was probably some kind of manipulation.

22F here. I grew up eldest of 3 siblings and also the eldest grandchild. I'm 2 years older than my sister and 3.5 years older than my brother.

When i was a kid, i remember my siblings would intentionally try to annoy me by calling me names, teaming up on me, making fun of me, screwing with my things etc. Sometimes I'd tell my parents or fight back and then our parents would break up the fight. It would end in me telling them what happened and they'd promise that if next time something like this happened, they'd intervene on my behalf and that I shouldn't fight back.

And everytime they promised that, i believed it. I would go to them, i would tell them what's happening and they'd tell me to be the bigger person and not pay attention to my siblings because I'm older/ more mature. It would feel like such a betrayal. There were times when i actually tried not saying/doing anything back which i think excited my siblings even more i guess and they'd get worse. This went on for years until i knew they were just not coming for me and i stopped relying on them.

Then when i started getting angry at things, my parents' script flipped in a way. They'd tell me and my siblings that I'm some crazy bitch that belongs in the psych ward and they'd say things like how i was entirely responsible for things not being peaceful at home when everyone else is so nice and reasonable. They'd take my siblings away and love on them which is not something they did with me when they were telling me to not say anything back. It was a thing, whenever they all had a fight with me, the next day they'd bake a cake or do something nice while i was away in my room and talk really sweetly with each other while ignoring me.

I was a really nice well behaved kid at school so at parent teacher meetings, my teachers would say nice things about me plus my friends also had similar opinions so my parents would tell me that I pretend to be nice at school and that I'm evil inside.

There was this time when i think i heard them say mean things about me from the other room so i just went to my room. My mother came to call me for something, i told her im not coming because they're gossiping about me and she said im not so special that they'd talk behind my back.

The thing is now i am very angry at home. I flip out on things because I've tried reasoning and it never worked in my favor and they still obviously say im crazy and should be in a facility and if i have a fight with any of them, they just assume it must be me everytime. They tell me that i can't accept it when im wrong but i feel like if you just assume I'm the one who's wrong everytime without knowing what happened then you're the one who thinks you're always the right one, no? So im not like innocent or nice. I wonder if this is scapegoating? I think it could be but i don't know for sure. Every other scapegoat I've read about, i feel like they're just really nice and don't say anything back usually.

I've had a weird relationship with my father because whenever a fight got really out of hand, he would suddenly turn and act nice and listen to me right after being very standoffish, blame-y and angry at me, and I'd be crying hiccupping telling him how my mother treats me (she's probably a narcissist, there's a whole essay i could write on her but essentially, she's just NEVER liked me and i don't know what a small child could've done to her to deserve that treatment). He'd agree with me and make me believe he was seeing me and i dont think he was lying or just trying to diffuse the situation, like it felt super sincere and genuine. It would be kinda euphoric in a way like oh he finally sees how much im struggling. And then his energy would change the next day. Literally the next day. I'd tell him i was lonely because my mother didn't love me and he'd agree on the reasons, he'd say he's going to spend an hour everyday with me or like 3 times a week and then he just wouldn't. Not even once did he make good on that promise. And it would confuse me so much because i thought he was nice (which is funny in hindsight because he'd also beat me up with his belt when he got mad at me to the point that i started internally flinching at the sight of a belt so idk why id think that lol). Only 2-3 years ago did i even start to realize that it was probably some kind of manipulation.