r/ChildhoodTrauma

Hiii ✨👋☀️

Very recently I started a therapy scheme to detach from the toxic relationship I had with my parents since now I'm an adult and I need to learn how to live without them and stop having panic attacks when I do normal adult things. One of the points about this scheme I have to write down the moments that I felt in a bad way and how it made me feel exactly. That's when I realized I feel very weird about a memory and I don't know why.

So when I was 12 I just got a gift from my aunt a pink phosphorescent watch that I really loved. When I came back home with it I was just making faces in the mirror posing like it was a selfie stuff like that, that's when my dad entered very angry in my room telling me "aren't you ashamed to behave like that at your age? Who do you think you are take that s+it out of your mind" and after that I couldn't wear that watch again.

My question really is... Why does this even happen? What have I done weird? I don't know how to feel about it and i need to write something down for my therapy scheme. Thanks for all the possible help

I've had a pretty shit childhood.

My mother was emotionally unavailable, and I spent the majority of my childhood caring for her. Emotionally, financially, and physically. I basically stepped into a 2nd parent role. I cared for her when she was upset and helped her financially because she was too afraid to ask my stepfather for help, helped her with all her DIY jobs and everything else because my stepfather was lazy.

My father didn't want me. He was in and out of my life a lot as a child. He prioritised his new girlfriend and her children. He would always tell me all the stuff he did for her kids while I barely got the bare minimum. And his girlfriend at the time would be awful to me. She and her children would essentially bully me as a child. Make note that my mother was aware of this as she is the one who informed me but still allowed me to go visit him and her. I got to an age where I had to cut him off because mentally it was fucking me up.

My stepfather was an alcoholic narcissistic abusive asshole. He was horrible to live with, angry, abusive, and I just can't explain how terrible it was to live in that house with him. He is no longer in our lives anymore.

Recently, I got out of an abusive relationship, and I've been feeling like my life is going okay. I can do everything I've ever wanted to do, and I feel calm and free and happy. But my mother got horribly drunk at the weekend, and i had to rush over to my mothers house to support my siblings, and it kind of set me back emotionally. She was crying, saying she failed as a parent to me and my siblings, saying she didn't know what happened to us as children (she did), saying that she wants to hurt herself, her life is shit and complaining about all of these things. She was throwing her phone about, threatening to go for a walk after she'd be talking about harming herself. We've been telling her she needs help for her physical health and mental health, and she was crying, saying we don't do anything to help her, but we do try. We can't help someone if they dont want to help themselves. If we brought up any of our feelings, she would cry about how shit her life is and how it makes her feel bad when we talk about our childhood. Now I understand to an extent, but she was fully aware of our childhood, she even got to a point where she would sit outside for ages before coming into the house where my stepfather was because she didnt want to deal with him, she was there also engaging in shitty behaviour with my stepfather, she informed me of things I don't remember from my childhood with my biological father that are traumatic. It was just horrible. We just kept arguing, and there was no end. It was a shitty feeling. No child should ever have to deal with this behaviour from their parents. It's made me have this awful weird, empty feeling in my chest/ gut.

I dont know what to do. Things like this make me want to cut her off, but I can't. Me and my siblings cant hide our experiences from our childhood to protect her feelings. All we do is help her and offer support, but she doesn't help herself. I just dont feel like I'll ever escape my shitty childhood. It makes me feel like I just need to be alone for the rest of my life because how can I date people and explain all this shit to them.

I’m 35F, and I’m exhausted with life.

I was born into a life I never would have chosen if I’d had the choice. My father abandoned me, and my mother was emotionally unavailable and often cruel. She raised my younger sister and me as a single parent. Growing up, I was beaten, disrespected, and constantly afraid of her.

Her childhood wasn’t much different. My grandmother was the same way, if not worse, and carried a lifetime of her own trauma. My mother has two sisters and a brother, but she doesn’t speak to any of them. I don’t have relationships with them either, and truthfully, I don’t feel much toward them.

I was close with my cousins when we were young, but when our parents fell out, those relationships disappeared too. We’ve tried to reconnect over the years, but it’s hard to repair what our parents broke.

My grandmother was never loving toward me. My mother was the black sheep of the family, and I became the black sheep grandchild. She treated me differently than my cousins, so we never formed a close bond. She’s simply my grandmother. I’m fine when she’s around, but I don’t miss her or feel the need to talk to her when she’s not.

My mother has forgiven her and built a close relationship with her, but I haven’t. She constantly tries to make me feel guilty for not having the same relationship.

Recently, we had a conversation about how distant I’ve become. She told me she struggles with it, but she either doesn’t remember or doesn’t understand the things that happened during my childhood that have stayed with me. She doesn’t seem to recognize that my distance is a direct result of the way she parented me.

I make six figures, but money always feels tight. It’s just me. I’ve never had a partner to share life with, so every responsibility falls on me. It’s exhausting. Not only have I never had a partner, but it often feels like men either don’t notice me or, when they do, I’m disposable to them.

I attribute so much of who I am today to my childhood. I struggle socially and can be awkward. There are things I should have learned growing up that I never did.

I used to long for love, marriage, and children of my own. Now, most days I can barely find the energy to take care of myself, let alone imagine caring for someone else. It feels like I’m just existing.

I work, and that’s about it. I don’t have many friends who call or invite me out. When I’m not working, I’m home, and most of my time is spent sleeping. Sleeping and eating are, unfortunately, the things that bring me the most comfort.

Life just seems so gray at times.

When I wake up, I’m already looking forward to going back to bed. More and more, I find myself thinking of each day as just one step closer to the end that all of us will eventually reach. I need a rainbow at the end of a storm.

English isn't my first language but ok whatever hope y'all understand anyways

When i was 13-14, my mom found out i smoked, she literally told me to open the door while i was taking a shower. Didn't know she smelled it

So i did, because she said she's gonna tell my dad, told her to at least wait until i cover my body.

She didn't let me. And yea she start yelling at me

She took me out of the bathroom because she wanted to look for the cigarette I was hiding (i wasn't), literally didn't shower that day

So, when i wanted to change she opened the door again, Like anyone, I would cover myself and be terrified.

Again, she said you're hiding something (LET ME BE!!!)

told her to get out, we'll talk when i dress, im still changing

But yea i still don't know, She barged into my room while I was changing, opened the door while I was showering, and I hate the fact im writing all this to find out. It still makes me angry and ashamed.

I wonder if anyone else can relate and share what has helped them.
I grew up in a household where my parents fought every month, as long as i remember myself. the fights were scary involved yelling, throwing things, leaving the house randomly etc. was no physical abuse but i was always scared they would kill each other. now i’m an adult and have anxiety and panic attacks. those became worse after my father passed away two years ago. Any advice would help or if you can relate. I don’t know many people with similar story so I wanted to ask here.