u/Luudea

I (F18) have an older brother named Luis (M20). He's a good guy: intelligent and kind. But what he did to me still hurts.

When I was about 11 and he was 13, Luis went to walk the dog, and I left him locked outside for about 15 minutes. It was an accident. I closed the door and went to take a shower. Then he opened the door with a towel on, and angrily demanded, "Why did you leave me outside?!" Then he pushed me into the kitchen. My head hit the refrigerator, and I was left naked and dizzy on the floor. I thought Luis would help me, but he just glared at me and left. He could have killed me.

About four years later, something else happened. I started working out, but my parents wouldn't let me go to the gym alone, so I had to go with my brother. I was 15 then, and he was 17. I have big thighs and I'm not very tall, so I'm naturally slow when I walk, and that bothered him. He'd say things like, "I don't like going to the gym with you," or he'd make a face when I started getting ready to go with him. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but his rejection hurts me deeply. Because of him, I asked my parents not to pay for my gym membership so I could exercise at home instead. Because of my brother, I gave up something I loved.

A few months ago, I told him how much the things he did hurt me, and he apologized. I know he's sorry because we love each other, but no. I think that was enough. Every time he gets angry or bitter, I get scared and want to cry, i feel in danger but I know consciously that he won't hurt me. I'm aware that a young person tends to be impulsive because their brain hasn't fully developed or something like that, but I still feel resentment and pain over what happened. What should I do?

I (F18) have an older brother, let's call him Ray (M20). He's a good guy: intelligent and kind. But what he did to me still hurts.

When I was about 11 and he was 13, Ray went to walk the dog, and I left him locked outside for about 15 minutes. It was an accident. I closed the door and went to take a shower. Then he opened the door with a towel on, and angrily demanded, "Why did you leave me outside?!" Then he pushed me into the kitchen. My head hit the refrigerator, and I was left n4ked and dizzy on the floor. I thought Ray would help me, but he just glared at me and left. He could have killed me.

About four years later, something else happened. I started working out, but my parents wouldn't let me go to the gym alone, so I had to go with my brother Ray. I was 15 then, and he was 17. I have big thighs and I'm not very tall, so I'm naturally slow when I walk, and that bothered him. He'd say things like, "I don't like going to the gym with you," or he'd make a face when I started getting ready to go with him. When i tried to go faster sometimes bumped into someone and Ray would criticize me for it. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but his rejection hurts me deeply. Because of him, I asked my parents not to pay for my gym membership so I could exercise at home instead. Because of my brother, I gave up something I loved.

A few months ago, I told him how much the things he did hurt me, and he apologized. I know he's sorry because we love each other, but i don't think it was enough. Every time he gets angry or bitter, I get scared and want to cry, but I know consciously that he won't hurt me. I'm aware that a young person tends to be impulsive because their brain hasn't fully developed or something like that, but I still feel resentment and pain over what happened. What should I do?

La verdad no estoy tan segura, necesito su opinión sobre lo que ocurrió.

A ver, yo (F18) digamos que me llamo Lucia, empecé a salir con un chico (M23) llamemoslo Kevin, me enamoré completamente de él, él era muy caballeroso conmigo, me escribía poemas, tiene un sentido del humor parecido al mío, me consentía, hasta se lo presenté a mis padres y a mi abuela, ella se encariñó mucho con él y pensé que era una buena señal, de verdad creí que seríamos novios oficiales, estaba muy emocionada por la idea porque Kevin fue mi primer amor.

Después de unos 4 o 5 meses de estar saliendo con él le comenté que me gustaría que fueramos novios y que me lo propusiera, Kevin me puso la excusa de que trabajar y estudiar en la universidad a la vez era muy difícil y que no le quedaba tiempo para proponermelo bien todavía, poco a poco él empezó a actuar raro, se demoraba hasta 2 o 3 días sin responder mis mensajes, obviamente me preocupaba cuando hacía eso y se lo comenté, él solo me dijo lo mismo, que estudiar y trabajar no le dejaban tiempo. Yo en verdad trataba de ser una compañera comprensiva, le decía que no se preocupara, que lo perdonaba y que porfavor me escribiera más seguido, no cambió.

Empecé porfin a darme cuenta de esa y otras red flags del pasado, por ejemplo, cuando empezamos a salir tuvimos relaciones sexuales, tuve mi primera vez con él y sentía fuegos artificiales pero resulta que yo le pedí que usará condón y al principio lo usó, después nos metimos a la ducha y me incliné hacia adelante, le dije que porfavor frotara nada más, que no me penetrara si era sin condón pero no me hizo caso, literalmente 4 segundos después de que le recordará eso lo hizo igual, yo creí que de pronto se equivocó, pero no fue así, él miró mi vagina y sabía lo que hacía, yo al no saber mucho de estos temas simplemente me quedé algo paralizada, sentía mucho placer pero a la vez estaba intranquila. Más o menos un mes después le comenté que lo que hizo estuvo mal y se disculpó pero la verdad fue una disculpa corta en línea, yo lo tomé cómo una disculpa honesta y lo dejé pasar, él me empezó a comprar la inyección anticonceptiva. Dios, estoy llorando mientras escribo esta parte.

Segunda red flag: desde el inicio de la relación yo le dejé en claro que no quería hijos, me encantan los niños pero es que un hijo es demasiado sacrificio, respondabilidad y dinero. Él estaba deacuerdo y parecía tener mi misma mentalidad pero no se que mosquito le picó y es que de un día para el otro dijo que si quería ser padre en un futuro, yo le comenté que si más adelante tenemos la suficiente estabilidad económica consideraría adoptar o hasta alquilar un bientre pero él se negó y me dijo que seríamos padres maravillosos, que un hijo trae alegría al hogar, que yo soy muy hermosa y quiere que mi bebe se paresca a mí bla bla bla, la verdad me sentí muy presionada y le dije que ok, que con la estabilidad económica lo dejaría embarazarme y él se puso feliz

Al día siguiente le comenté que me sentía angustiada, le escribí un texto explicándole que me da miedo el embarazo, no me identifico con la recuperación, el parto.. le comenté también que en mi familia hay casos de diabetes, autismo etc.. le escribí otro mensaje diciendole que ansiaba porque me respondiera lo más pronto posible, él me dijo que esta bien, que ahorita leería el mensaje pero pasaron unas 6 u 8 horas y no me respondía, yo lo llamé, le expliqué que era una emergencia y porfin me hizo caso, leyó mi mensaje y al principio me dijo: "no te preocupes, no pienses que todo esta mal porque no quieras tener hijos, voy a querer estar contigo" y después él dijo: "estoy triste porque eso no fue lo que me dijiste ayer.." o algo así, al día siguiente me mandó un texto largo de porque deberíamos dejar de salir, que teníamos metas distintas y que no le gustaba que yo fuera un poco homosexual. Yo soy pansexual, me gustan todos los géneros, que Kevin dijera eso sobre mí me dolió pero pensé en que él es religioso y que por eso pensaba así, lo dejé pasar, no lo mencioné hasta mucho después. Entonces Kevin me escribió: "quiero verte cómo mi futura esposa pero es difícil por tus ideas" entonces quedamos en vernos en persona la semana siguiente para aclarar las cosas.

A la semana siguiente nos vimos, hablamos un poco, me dijo que estaba muy linda y me besó, yo me sentí confundida porque creí que él quería terminar lo nuestro pero al parecer dijo que cambió de opinión, que ya no quería tener hijos porque su hermano se accidentó y ver a su madre llorando por él lo hizo reflexionar o algo así, también se disculpó, reconoció que me presionó para tener hijos con él entonces lo perdoné y empezamos a salir otra vez. Yo le pedí que se hiciera la vasectomía y él dijo que si pero después dijo que no porque no estaba seguro si tener o no hijos aún, super bipolar.

Tercera red flag: Kevin me dejó plantada, quedamos en desayunar juntos en la universidad pero él no fue, me dijo que se le habían cruzado los horarios con una clase y me escribió unas largas disculpas dijo que me lo recompensará pero al final no lo hizo, al menos me envió dinero para que me comprara mi desayuno pero dolió mucho porque tenía la esperanza de verlo y lo sentí cómo una falta de respeto a mi y a mi tiempo.

Ahora volvamos más al presente, cuando Kevin empezó a responderme tarde mis mensajes, después de 2 o 3 semanas actuando así, me llamó y me dijo: "Lucía, eres una gran mujer, te amo y te mereces a un hombre que de el 100% de él, yo ahora mismo no soy ese hombre porque estudiar, trabajar y lo que sufrí de niño me ha arruinado la salud mental, no tengo tiempo ni estabilidad emocional para una mujer en mi vida y por eso he decidido dejarte ir, desearía haberte conocido en el futuro cuando estuviera más desocupado, espero que más adelante cuando organice mi vida podamos ser novios pero entiendo si eso no pasa, no puedo obligarte a no tener pareja mientras no estamos juntos, espero que lo entiendas" Yo le dije entre lágrimas que lo entendía, que era lo mejor y que lo más probable es que lo vaya a esperar porque estoy joven y no busco una relación, él dijo que eso lo aliviaba un poco, terminamos la relación

Yo le seguí escribiendo a Kevin porque quería apoyarlo, 2 semanas después le comenté que había hecho una amistad en la universidad y que estaba emocionada por eso, antes de él no tenía amigos en la universidad, él me preguntó que si era hombre o mujer, le dije que hombre y me escribió exactamente lo siguiente: "ya veo, estas saliendo con alguien más, que bueno 🙂" por alguna razón eso me hizo sentir muy incomoda, le expliqué que no, que solo era un amigo y parece que me creyó.

Todas estas redflags (a excepción de la del condón) se las comenté a mi amiga y prima de confianza, llamemosla Ana (F18), le mostré gran parte de los mensajes que tenía con Kevin cuando me visitó, me dijo que Kevin no me respetaba ni me valoraba, que lo bloqueara y eliminará todas sus fotos para no pensar en él, le hize caso, antes de bloquear a Kevin le envié el siguiente mensaje que estructuramos Ana y yo:

"Kevin hola, queria decirte que tome una decisión importante para mí, y quería comunicartelo.

Tome la decisión de bloquearte y eliminarte de mi vida, mas que todo por el bien de mi salud mental, porque no voy a esperar a que tu cambies tu pensamiento, porque eso sería guardar esperanzas de una persona que varias veces me hizo sentir mal y rara al tomar mis decisiones, el hecho de que yo no quisiera hijos no era porque no los quisiera contigo si no porque no es mi deseo de vida, porque en mi familia tienden a tener enfermedades y seria condenar una vida por complacerte y así no son las cosas, tampoco el hecho de que me hicieras sentir mal por mi orientación sexual, es una decisión completamente mia y tu no tienes ningun tipo de derecho a hablar de eso ya que es algo mio y no tuyo y no cambiaria asi te molestara ya que yo no era tu -casi algo- para complacerte en la mujer que tu quisieras, estoy dando esta explicación para darme un cierre a mi.

Estoy pensando totalmente en mi y no en ti, por mi bien y porque es la mejor decisión, merezco un hombre que me escoja totalmente a mi, que no desaparezca y que me tenga como prioridad, ya que soy una mujer buena y con un valor increíble, esta es mi despedida Kevin, espero logres lo que quieres ser en tu vida. Espero que no me vuelvas a buscar a confundirme y que esto sea todo, Gracias por los buenos momentos y por lo que paso, te deseo una buena vida"

Kevin me respondió: "Hola Lucía, quizás no comparto tu opinión sobre mi porque no me define como persona, se que tengo mucho para ofrecerte como hombre. Pero está bien respeto tú decisión y espero que sea lo mejor para ti. Te llevare siempre en mi corazón Ojalá nos tropezamos en un mañana bonita donde todo esté mejor para mí.

Cuidate mucho y creeme que jamás me olvidaré de ti. Si me quieres bloquear está bien lo entenderé. Incluso si quieres salir con alguien más también lo entenderé. Solo se que prefiero darme un tiempo y arreglarme y ya después volver a querer y tener la oportunidad de amar a alguien con todo mi ser. No a medias cómo lo estoy haciendo ahora"

Cuando Ana y yo leímos la respuesta ella me dijo: "que imbécil es, te escribió -Incluso si quieres salir con alguien más también lo entenderé- él no tiene que entender nada! No te pertenece" después lloré en sus brazos y me consoló. Recuerden que nunca le conté a Ana sobre que Kevin no respetó mi decisión de que usáramos condón, Ana solamente conocía las dos últimas redflags que les comenté.

Dos días después me sentí arrepentida y tuve una charla en línea con Ana, la letra "L" representan los mensajes que le mandé y la letra "A" los de Ana:

A: Hola Lu cómo te has sentido?

L: Hola, gracias por preocuparte que linda eres, la verdad he estado llorando y durmiendo mucho, no puedo evitar pensar que cometí un error

A: No preciosa, no cometiste ningún error, él si por no valorar a la maravillosa mujer que eres

L: Gracias pero cómo estás tan segura?

A: Como va a ser un error tuyo que él te deje plantada?

L: Solo fue una vez y se justificó con que se cruzaron sus horarios

A: No importa si fue solo una vez, eso es falta de responsabilidad afectiva, no hay justificación para eso ni para lo demás

L: Que otras cosas hizo que no tienen justificación?

A: No tener responsabilidad afectiva contigo, ignorarte, decirte lo que te decía, injustificaba tus sentimientos, no apoyaba en lo que tú eres

L: Cuando injustificó mis sentimientos?

A: Cuando no te apoya en lo que sientes, y que no le parecía como estabas actuando. Lu, te estas entregando mucho a una persona que no te está buscando, porque te aferras a alguien que no se aferra a ti? No te apoyaba cuando dijistes que no querías hijos y que eras pansexual. Preciosa pq sigues buscando excusas para volver con el?

L: Es que pienso que... Él podría recapacitar, pienso que cuando me dijo que no le gustaba mi sexualidad era por que lo educaron con la religión cristiana, que cuando me dejó plantada, estuvo mal pero se disculpó y fue una disculpa qué sentí honesta, Y no creo que me presionará mucho por hacerle hijos o si? Cómo que por un tiempo si me presionó pero después se disculpó y me dijo que ya no quiere hijos, entonces le pedí que se hiciera la vasectomía y no me hizo caso porque dijo que se sentía indeciso en realidad

A: Esas decisiones no cambian de una noche a la mañana, nunca va a recapacitar, ese tipo no te entiende cómo mujer y no hay justificación para eso, ese tipo no te valora, no puedes esperar que te diga: "yo voy a cambiar y voy a ser mejor para tí" para que el final no lo haga, eso me pasó a mí con mi ex, él me rogó y me dijo que iba a cambiar y no lo hizo, por más que lo amara yo lo terminé. Un hombre que no te entiende y que no piense en las cosas que te lastiman es un hombre que no te merece porque un hombre que te valora y te quiere respeta tus gustos, tus desciones lo que te gusta y lo que no te gusta lo cuál él no hace.

L: Ana pero si se disculpa podría darle una segunda oportunidad no crees?

A: No deberías pero es tu decisión, además él en algunas cosas no se disculpó de forma sincera él lo hizo para justificarse, tampoco se disculpó con el tema de que no aceptaba tu sexualidad. Lucía, él no es una buena persona, una persona que te ama te escoge todos los días, él no lo hacía, tu debías ser su prioridad y así el no estuviera acostumbrado a coger un puto celular cada día lo tenía que hacer por amor, pero no te amaba lo suficiente para cambiar lo que te molestaba

L: Entiendo pero yo fuí su segunda relación, talvez él no entendía cuanto me afectaba, talvez debí expresarselo mejor...

A: Jamás debes pedir ser amada mejor, tú jamás debes pedir muchas veces que alguien cambie, uno lo dice una vez y esa persona lo debe entender, uno no se lo tiene que repetir diez mil veces y ya cuando te pierden quieran cambiar, así no son las cosas y si ya eres su segunda relación debe saber cómo tratar una mujer, es un inmaduro de mierda que no supo valorar ni puta mierda y solo te usó para el antojo de él así que no Lucía, no se lo debiste pedir mejor, es una mierda de persona y lo debes aceptar

L: Tienes razón, aunque no creo que él sea mala persona, solo inmaduro cómo tú dices

A: Si es mala persona, no tener consideración con vos, no tener responsabilidad afectiva, cuando uno quiere a alguien uno cambia pero si esa persona solo quiere cambiar cuando ya te perdió es porque ama la atención que tu le das, no te ama a tí, él está esperando que le ruegues cómo todos los putos hombres. Debes enfocarte en lo malo que él fue para no volver con él, él hizo muchas cosas malas que la cagaron, Lu, incluso si te hubiera hecho una mínima cosa pero esa cosa te hizo llorar o te afectó psicologicamente eso ya es razón suficiente para terminar un man cómo ese, un estúpido que no te valoró.

L: Ok, entiendo. Gracias por ser mi amiga y decirme las cosas cómo son aunque no puedo evitar estar triste.

A: Es normal estar triste querida, cualquier cosa avísame por favor

-Fin de la conversación-

Gente de reddit, una parte de mí dice que fuí estúpida e ingenua, otra parte de mí dice que él me ama de verdad, que talvez fue inmaduro y que cambiará pero ya no se que pensar, porfavor comenten que harían en mi lugar, necesito su ayuda.

I'm not really sure, I need your opinion on what happened. Srry if my english is not very good, i speak spanish.

Okay, so I (F18), let's say my name is Lucia, started dating a guy (M23), let's call him Kevin. I fell completely in love with him. He was very gentlemanly with me, wrote me poems and has a similar sense of humor to mine. I even introduced him to my parents and my grandmother. She took a liking to him, and I thought it was a good sign. I really believed we would be officially a couple; I was very excited about the idea because Kevin was my first love, the romance is something in wished since i was young.

After about four or five months of dating him, I told him I'd like us to be couple and asked him to ask me out. Kevin made the excuse that working and studying at university at the same time was very difficult and that he didn't have time to ask me properly yet. Little by little, he started acting strangely, taking up to two or three days to reply to my messages. Obviously, I got worried when he did that and told him so. He just said the same thing, that studying and working didn't leave him any time. I really tried to be understanding, telling him not to worry, that I forgave him, and that he should please write to me more often. He didn't change.

I finally started noticing that and other red flags from the past. For example, when we first started dating, we had sex. I had my first time with him, and it felt like fireworks. But I asked him to use a condom, and at first, he did. Then we got in the shower, and I leaned forward. I told him to please just rub against me, not to penetrate me if it was without a condom, but he didn't listen. Literally four seconds after I reminded him, he did it anyway. I thought maybe he made a mistake, but that wasn't it. He looked at my vagina and knew what he was doing. Since I didn't know much about these things, I just kind of froze. I felt a lot of pleasure, but at the same time, I was uneasy. About a month later, I told him that what he did was wrong, and he apologized, but it was a short online apology. I took it as an honest apology and let it go. He started buying me the contraceptive injection. God, I'm crying as I write this part.

Second red flag: from the beginning of the relationship I made it clear that I didn't want children, I love children but a child is too much sacrifice, responsibility and money. He agreed and seemed to share my mindset, but I don't know what got into him. Out of the blue, he asked if I wanted to be a mom in the future. I told him that if we were financially stable enough later on, I would consider adoption or even surrogacy, but he refused. He said we would be wonderful parents, that a child brings joy to a home, that I'm very beautiful and he wants my baby to look like me, blah blah. Honestly, I felt very pressured and said okay, that once we were financially stable, I would let him get me pregnant, and he was happy.

The next day, I told him I was feeling anxious. I wrote him a text explaining that I was scared of pregnancy, that I didn't identify with the recovery process, the delivery... I also mentioned that there were cases of diabetes, autism, etc., in my family. I wrote him another message aking hin to answer me as soon as possible. He said okay, that he would read the message right away, but about six or eight hours passed and he didn't respond. I called him, explained it was an emergency, and he finally listened. He read my message and at first said, "Don't worry, don't think everything is wrong just because you don't want children. I want to be your boyfriend" Then he said, "I'm sad because that's not what you told me yesterday..." or something like that. The next day he sent me a long text about why we should stop seeing each other, that we had different goals, and that he didn't like that I was a little bit lesbian. I'm pansexual; I like all genders. Kevin saying that about me hurt, but I thought that he said that because he's religious, so I let it go, again. I didn't mention it until much later. Then Kevin wrote to me: "I want to see you as my future wife, but it's difficult because of your beliefs." So we agreed to meet in person the following week to clear things up. We met, talked a little, he told me I looked beautiful and kissed me. I felt confused because I thought he wanted to end things with me, but apparently he said he changed his mind, that he didn't want children anymore because his brother had an accident and seeing his mother crying over him made him reflect or something like that. He also apologized, admitting that he pressured me to have children with him, so I forgave him and we started dating again. I asked him to get a vasectomy and he said yes, but then he said no because he wasn't sure about having children yet—so bipolar.

Third red flag: Kevin stood me up. We were supposed to have breakfast together at the university, but he didn't show up. He said his class schedule clashed and he sent me a long apology, saying he would make it up to me, but in the end he didn't. At least he sent me money to buy breakfast, but it hurt a lot because I was hoping to see him and it felt like a lack of respect for me and my time, i think i cried a little but that day.

Now let's return to the present. When Kevin started responding to my messages late, after two or three weeks of this, he called me and said, "Lucía, you're a great woman, I love you, and you deserve a man who gives 100% of himself. Right now, I'm not that man because studying, working, and what I suffered as a child have ruined my mental health. I don't have the time or emotional stability for a woman in my life, and that's why I've decided to let you go. I wish I could have met you in the future when I was less busy. I hope that later, when I get my life in order, we can be boyfriend and girlfriend, but I understand if that doesn't happen. I can't force you to be single while we're apart. I hope you understand." I cried but also I understood, i told him it was for the best, and that I would most likely wait for him because I'm young and not looking for a relationship. He said that relieved him a little, and we ended the relationship.

I kept writing to Kevin because I wanted to support him. Two weeks later, I told him I had made a I made a friend at university and was excited about it. Before him, I didn't have any friends at university. He asked me if my friend was a man or a woman, I said a man, and he wrote me exactly the following: "I see, you're seeing someone else, that's good 🙂" For some reason, that made me feel very uncomfortable. I explained that no, he was just a friend, and it seems he believed me.

I told all these red flags (except for the condom one) to my trusted friend and cousin, let's call her Ana (F18). I showed her most of the messages I had with Kevin when he visited me. She told me that Kevin didn't respect or value me, that I should block him and delete all his photos so I wouldn't think about him. I listened to her. Before blocking Kevin, I sent him the following message that Ana and I structured:

"Hi Kevin, I wanted to tell you that I've made an important decision for myself, and I wanted to let you know.

I've decided to block you and remove you from my life, mostly because of my mental health, I'm not going to wait for you to change your mind. That would be holding onto hope for someone who has repeatedly made me feel bad and strange when I made my own decisions. The fact that I didn't want children wasn't because I didn't want them with you, but because it's not my life's desire. My family has a history of illness, and it would be condemning a life just to please you, and that's not how things work. Nor is the fact that you made me feel bad about my sexual orientation. It's entirely my decision, and you have no right to talk about it. It's my business, not yours, and I wouldn't change it even if it bothered you. I'm giving this explanation to bring closure to my own situation.

I'm thinking entirely about myself, not you, for my own good and because it's the best decision. I deserve a man who chooses me completely, who won't disappear, and who prioritizes me. I'm a good woman with incredible value. This is my goodbye, Kevin. I hope you succeed. what you want to be in your life. I hope you don't try to confuse me again and that this is it. Thank you for the good times and for what happened. I wish you a good life."

Kevin replied: "Hi Lucia, maybe I don't share your opinion about me because it doesn't define me as a person. I know I have a lot to offer you as a man. But it's okay, I respect your decision and I hope it's the best for you. I will always carry you in my heart. I hope we bump into each other in a beautiful morning, when everything is better for me. Take good care of yourself, and believe me, I'll never forget you. If you want to block me, that's fine, I'll understand. Even if you want to date someone else, I'll understand that too. I just know I'd rather take some time to sort myself out and then, later, want to love again and have the chance to love someone with all my heart. Not halfway like I'm doing now."

When Ana and I read the reply, she said to me, "What an idiot! He wrote to you, 'Even if you want to date someone else, I'll understand that too' he doesn't have to understand anything! He doesn't own you" then cried in her arms and she comforted me. Remember that I never told Ana that Kevin didn't respect my decision to use a condom once; Ana only knew about the last two red flags I mentioned to her.

Two days later, I felt remorseful and had an online chat with Ana. The letter "L" represents the messages I sent her, and the letter "A" represents Ana's:

A: Hi Lu, how have you been feeling?

L: Hi, thanks for worrying, you're so sweet. I've been crying and sleeping a lot, I can't help but think I made a mistake.

A: No sweetheart, you didn't make a mistake. He did, for not appreciating the wonderful woman you are.

L: Thanks, but how are you so sure?

A: How could it be your mistake that he stood you up?

L: It only happened once, and he justified it by saying our schedules clashed.

A: It doesn't matter if it was only once, that's a lack of emotional responsibility. There's no excuse for that. Nor for anything else.

L: What other things did he do that are unjustifiable?

A: He wasn't emotionally responsible towards you, he ignored you, the things he said to you, he dismissed your feelings, he didn't support who you are.

L: When did he dismiss my feelings?

A: When he didn't support you in what you felt, and when he didn't like how you were acting. Lu, you're giving so much to someone who isn't looking for you. Why are you clinging to someone who isn't clinging to you? He didn't support you when you said you didn't want children and that you were pansexual. Sweetie, why do you keep making excuses to get back with him?

L: It's just that I think... He could reconsider. I think that when he told me he didn't like my sexuality, it was because he was raised Christian. When he stood me up, it was wrong, but he apologized, and it felt like an honest apology. And I don't think he pressured me much to have children with him, did he? Like, for a while he did pressure me, but then he apologized. And he told me he didn't want children anymore, so I asked him to get a vasectomy, but he wouldn't listen because he said he was feeling undecided.

A: Those decisions don't change overnight. He'll never reconsider. That guy doesn't understand you as a woman, and there's no excuse for that. He doesn't value you. You can't expect him to say, "I'm going to change and be better for you," only for him not to. That's what happened to me with my ex. He begged me and said he was going to change, but he didn't. As much as I loved him, I broke up with him. A man who doesn't understand you and doesn't think about the things that hurt you doesn't deserve you. A man who values ​​and loves you respects your tastes, your decisions, what you like and what you don't like, which he doesn't.

L: Ana, he apologized, I could give him a second chance, don't you think?

A: You shouldn't, but it's your decision. Besides, he didn't sincerely apologize for some things; he did it to justify himself. He also didn't apologize for not accepting your sexuality. Lucia, he's not a good person. Someone who loves you chooses you every day, and he didn't. You should have been his priority, and even if he wasn't used to picking up a fucking phone every day, he had to do it out of love. But he didn't love you enough to change what bothered you.

L: I understand, but I was his second relationship. Maybe he didn't understand how much it affected me. Maybe I should have expressed it better...

A: You should never ask to be loved better. You should never ask someone to change repeatedly. You say it once, and that person should understand. You don't have to repeat it ten thousand times, and then when they lose you, they want to change. That's not how things work. And if you're his second relationship, he should know how to treat a woman. He's a fucking immature jerk who didn't know how to value anything and only used you for his own pleasure. So no, Lucía, you shouldn't have asked him. He's a shitty person, and you have to accept it.

L: You're right, although I don't think he's a bad person, just immature, like you said.

A: Yes, he's a bad person. He has no consideration for you, no emotional responsibility. When you love someone, you change, but if that person only wants to change when they've already lost you, it's because they love the attention you give them, not you. He's waiting for you to beg him like all those fucking men do. You need to focus on how bad he was so you don't go back to him. He did so many bad things that screwed things up. Lucía, Even if he did something minor, if that one thing made you cry or affected you psychologically, that's reason enough to end things with a guy like that, a stupid guy who didn't value you.

L: Okay, I understand. Thanks for being my friend and telling me things as they are, even though I can't help being sad.

A: It's normal to be sad, dear. Let me know if you need anything, please.

-End of conversation-

People of Reddit, part of me says I was stupid and naive, another part of me says he really loves me, that maybe he was immature and will change, but I don't know what to think anymore. Please comment on what you would do in my place. I need your help.

I'm (F18) and something's been bothering me almost every day. I have a secret I haven't told anyone because I'm afraid of what might happen if I do. I need your advice, Reddit.

So, I have this cousin, let's call her Sofi. She's the life of the party in my family—cheerful, fun, and cute. She's a bit rebellious because she drinks a lot, smokes, and vapes, but otherwise, she's normal. Everyone likes her because they consider her wise and kind, but I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm 14 years old, and Sofi is about 30. She sleeps in my bed, and I sleep on the mattress. She tells me, "You should sleep in your own bed," but I refuse at first because I honestly didn't care. Then she insisted, and I finally agreed. I thought it was a kind gesture, so I went along with it. I lay down in my bed, and Sofi lay down on the mattress. Then she asked if she could take off her shirt because it was hot, and I agreed. I got nervous when I saw that there was nothing under her clothes. It made me a little uncomfortable, but then I remembered that it wasn't weird because we're first cousins. I'm pansexual, by the way.

We talked about random things, she got up to reach for something in her bag. From a distance, it looked like a pink tube. She said, "Do you know what this is? It's a vape." Then she knelt in front of me and started vaping. She noticed I was tense, and it's because I'd never had a girl like that in front of me before. She asked me what was wrong, and that's when I came out. I told her I liked girls. At that, she covered her chest and said, "Oh, but you should have told me before. So... you like what you see?"

I don't really remember what happened after that. I know she took off her pajama pants and explained that she could help me learn how to please a woman. She asked me to touch her. "I can be your little doll," I'm sure she said that. It was weird. I was looking away and didn't say anything. I think I was in shock. I never gave her my consent or expressed that I wanted that. Anyway, she started kissing me, even using her tongue, she sucked on my n1pp3ls and she inserted a finger inside that place. It didn't hurt because her fingers were small. Then I started crying. I felt disgusted when i remembered that she was my babysitter when I was little, she was like an aunt to me, you know? When she saw me crying, she told me not to worry, that if I didn't want to continue, that was fine. Then she fell asleep, and I barely slept that night.

The next day, she apologized to me. She said she got carried away because she felt h0rny, but it wasn't a serious apology. She did it with a normal smile, as if I had consented or as if I were an adult too, I don't know.

I couldn't sleep well in my own bed for a long time. I felt so disgusted by what she did to me... I slept on the sofa for years. It was the only way I didn't feel dirty when I went to sleep. I told my parents the excuse that the living room felt cooler, but it was a lie. Sometimes I think about her hands, her kisses. It's disgusting. She's my cousin, and I didn't mean to.

I live in Colombia, where the age of consent is 14. I don't know if I should say anything or if it's not a big deal. I don't want to ruin her life; this secret would hurt the family. What should I do? Please help me.

I'm (F18) and something's been bothering me almost every day. I have a secret I haven't told anyone because I'm afraid of what might happen if I do. I need your advice, Reddit.

So, I have this cousin, let's call her Sofi. She's the life of the party in my family—cheerful, fun, and cute. She's a bit rebellious because she drinks a lot, smokes, and vapes, but otherwise, she's normal. Everyone likes her because they consider her wise and kind, but I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm 14 years old, and Sofi is about 30. She sleeps in my bed, and I sleep on the mattress. She tells me, "You should sleep in your own bed," but I refuse at first because I honestly didn't care. Then she insisted, and I finally agreed. I thought it was a kind gesture, so I went along with it. I lay down in my bed, and Sofi lay down on the mattress. Then she asked if she could take off her shirt because it was hot, and I agreed. I got nervous when I saw that there was nothing under her clothes. It made me a little uncomfortable, but then I remembered that it wasn't weird because we're first cousins. I'm pansexual, by the way.

We talked about random things, she got up to reach for something in her bag. From a distance, it looked like a pink tube. She said, "Do you know what this is? It's a vape." Then she knelt in front of me and started vaping. She noticed I was tense, and it's because I'd never had a girl like that in front of me before. She asked me what was wrong, and that's when I came out. I told her I liked girls. At that, she covered her chest and said, "Oh, but you should have told me before. So... you like what you see?"

I don't really remember what happened after that. I know she took off her pajama pants and explained that she could help me learn how to please a woman. She asked me to touch her. "I can be your little doll," I'm sure she said that. It was weird. I was looking away and didn't say anything. I think I was in shock. I never gave her my consent or expressed that I wanted that. Anyway, she started kissing me, even using her tongue. She sucked on my chest. And she inserted a finger inside that place. It didn't hurt because her fingers were small. Then I started crying. I felt disgusted that she did this to my cousin. I remembered that she was my babysitter when I was little, she was like an aunt to me, you know? When she saw me crying, she told me not to worry, that if I didn't want to continue, that was fine. Then she fell asleep, and I barely slept that night.

The next day, she apologized to me. She said she got carried away because she felt h0rny, but it wasn't a serious apology. She did it with a normal smile, as if I had consented or as if I were an adult too, I don't know.

I couldn't sleep well in my own bed for a long time. I felt so disgusted by what she did to me... I slept on the sofa for years. It was the only way I didn't feel dirty when I went to sleep. I told my parents the excuse that the living room felt cooler, but it was a lie. Sometimes I think about her hands, her kisses. It's disgusting. She's my cousin, and I didn't mean to.

I live in Colombia, where the age of consent is 14. I don't know if I should say anything or if it's not a big deal. I don't want to ruin her life; this secret would hurt the family. What should I do? Please help me.