I'm a broken doll (CW: Trauma dumping)
Hi dad,
So I have been losing sleep recently for no reason... Which is what I thought initially but now knowing why is a nightmare.
Let me count it out cause it's a long list of issues
Your death
Mom started being much more absent and distant which lead to my aunt who moved in begin to act like a verbal abusive b\*tch
Knowing recently that my cousins only hanged out with me when we were young because they wanted to please grandma and grandpa.
Mom would leave me crying on the floor after I begged for forgiveness BECAUSE I WAS DOING KID THINGS and she would leave for a day and having my aunt worsen her bullying by making fun of me and blaming me why mom would leave. No one explained to me my mistake
Debt got so bad that I had to hide from loan sharks in the house... You don't know how scared I was when there was banging in the door behind me because that door was a blindspot where they can't see me through the windows. Not to mention the constant "keep the lights low" or "no TV"
Mom would promise something then back out instantly
Mom sleeping with a married man and I caught them doing it and she completely didn't explain the situation when she promised she would
I grew up without privacy, I had no walls or doors to close and only used curtains or cabinets as some sense of privacy and it didn't matter cause everyone passes by my "room"
I understand mom more than I understand myself
I never brought up I was bullied because mom wouldn't listen to "bitching"
Being left alone for 3 days without a van opener to open canned foods
Not listened to as a kid
People compared me to you, the ideal you that they see and they want me to act like the performative mask mom puts on infront of family
Being forced into a college program that I couldn't handle because mom wanted convience over my passion. I felt so alone in college. I wanted to go to college with my friends but mom doesn't want me to go to the same college because she doesn't know anyone there
Only being seen as a source of money and not a person
For not being accepted for who I am...
Sorry for trauma dumping... I have friends and I consider them my family. I just wanted to be heard... I am a transfem and I would've noticed it sooner if it weren't for these issues... I hide all of my issues and traumas because it feels too much for my friends to carry. I hold my chin up and walk with grace everyday hiding the messy and ugly bits hidden. I am nothing but a broken doll hiding ugly things underneath my porcelain mask