r/DadForAMinute

Both my parents passed away before the age of 8. My adoptive parents kicked me out at 17 and I’m now 28, living with my boyfriend and Cat. I don’t know what it’s like to have parents and I sure don’t know what it’s like to meet my partners parents. I’m nervous that they won’t like me, I don’t feel good enough and I’m stressed about it. My boyfriend is the best person I know and his parents through the phone have been nothing but kind and they’re very happy to have us over this weekend yet my anxiety tells me otherwise.

1. How do I act?
2. What do I say?
3. How do I dress?
4. And what do I talk about?

It’s consuming me.

Hey Dad... almost a year ago I told you were to become a grandparent. I know how much you wanted to. Now I see your birthday coming up in the calendar for next week. I'm dreading the day I'm gonna wake up and see it on my screen.

I just want to tell you that your grandson is growing up and learning so fast. He will be 4mo this Saturday and you would have loved this little one. As absurd as it sounds, he has your eyes. I still imagine from time to time that I call you with the news. He was born exactly 2 months after you passed away.

I really wanted you to see him and...us. I wanted you to listen to my problems as a first time mom and tell me how its not going to be easy, but I will get through it.

Anyways, I hope you're in a better place.

I miss you.

In my early teenage years I prohibited myself to feel anything except disgust and anger towards him. It just happened involuntary.

But now that I’m 19, I’m starting to have so many feelings I never had before. Despite all emotional and sexual abuse since early age that lasted up until 17, I realized I miss him. I perhaps even still love my dad?

I feel so much shame about it. But recently I just can’t help but think of all father-daughter moments we had. In my head I always daydream and pretend that he never did anything bad.

It feels so painful for some reason to admit that I miss the good part of my dad. Just the normal stuff we had as a family in the midst of chaotic dysfunctional family dynamics.

I realized that as a defense reaction I hid all my positive feelings about him. I can never admit that I admire him for some traits, that I’m grateful to him for all the things he provided.

I can’t ever say that to him, or to anyone else I know. I’m just trapped between the anger, hatred and some weird nostalgia and simple kid longing for a parent. I’m scared and repulsed of his touch, but I want him to hug me more than anything else. All at the same time.

And the fact that recently for a quick second I thought about pretending he never hurt me and just start talking to him again.. I’m really pathetic

It feels like the abuse from him erased all my childhood, erased my right to have a dad like everyone else. And I’m realizing nothing is ever going to change that.