r/DadForAMinute

A kid .

I discovered black mold on the ceiling in my closet. I feel awful and don't know what to do. The worst is i know it's my fault. My water heater has been leaking for a while now but because i didn't know what to do and because i felt like i had more important things to take care of, i didn't do much about it and always told myself i would take care of it later. Now i still have so many things to take care of other than that. Plus i also have other stuff that i should have done in my appartment that aren't done. 

I can't stop crying now. It really feels awful because I had finally started doing a bit better the last few days. I had managed to sleep, eat properly, even workout. I showered without my phone which i had not been able to do in months. I did the dishes and cleaned my bathroom. I know all of this isn't incredible in any way, but i heavily struggle with mental health. I'm not diagnosed so i'm not sure what i have, but probaby at least depression, anxiety and cptsd. I barely talk to my family. I've been very neglected by them and talking to them or seeing them is very triggering. I don't get along with the rest of my family either. I also have no friends or anyone i can rely on. I don't have the money for therapy and it will take me months to take one free session.

Now i don't know what to do. I feel like whatever progress i do is never enough, and my problems only keep piling up. I see people always saying that it's okay to take life at your own pace, that being behind in life isn't a thing. But it's like life keeps showing me this is false. I've tried to focus on healing myself, on taking care of myself, but i also can't ignore real life problems. I'm so scared because my life keeps getting worse despite my efforts. I don't know what to do with my life or what to prioritise. I don't even know if i'll be able to find a job. I'm terrified of ending up homeless one day. On top of all of this i have no dreams, no goals. There's nothing that makes me feel like life is worth it. And i know that there's beautiful things in life, but i don't know if i'll ever be able to experience them. And even if i do, i don't know if i'll manage to ever be happy.

I got in a fight with my parent, they are kicking me out and I need to find a place to live. I feel really lost. I have the money and I’ll figure it out in the morning. I’m an adult. I feel like a momentary lapse in judgment has messed up my life. I’m not sure if my family and family friends will talk to me ever again. It’s my own fault in the end, I knew better.

Will I be ok to drive it to my last stop and then home? I will need to have it taken to work Monday and the shop after it is opened. Will it be ok for those couple stops?

I’ve more errands to do but I’m putting them off. Just worried about driving since I’ve never had this hope. To me before.

i’ve never had a dad. i tried, for a minute, to contact the sperm donor & met him and he never contacted me again, despite leaving that door wide open.

it made me feel stupid. which in turn, makes me feel stupid, it’s a whole cyclical thing. i’m 38 years old and i was not much younger when i met this man who didn’t remember i existed and i should be fine. i have a mom and stepmom who love me a lot.

i was raised to the best of my mom’s ability. she did everything she did for me. i was loved so much. but i always knew the story: “i gave him a choice to be involved or not, and he chose not.” it makes you feel a drop in your stomach that never goes away.

one time at pride last year i actually talked to and hugged one of those people that offer the dad hugs and i cried a little. i felt like a fraud a tiny bit bc it’s not like i was rejected for queerness but, i think it’s still ok. i guess since it was for just existing, y’know?

anyways. i got approved for an apartment. it’s one of those 30% of your income deals and i’m on ssi so it’s kind of a huge deal. it’s also a huge deal bc i’ve been effectively homeless/crashing w friends for the last, 6 months? jesus. but so, it’s a huge deal. i still don’t know when i move in, i still don’t know much other than they didn’t tell me i can’t have it. they’re not telling me i have to stay homeless.

my mom said she’s proud of me and i feel like all i did was let other people help. which i guess can be hard and i certainly wasn’t taught how to do that but, i don’t know what *i* did. i just waited. worried. tried. idk.

i know i’m a whole adult who should have it together but i don’t, and even though this is amazing i’m overwhelmed and scared i’m gonna fuck it up. any encouragement or advice is appreciated.

dear dad, i know you’re angry at me ever since i left home. but im feeling really confused and hurt. why did you use me as a tool for pleasure? why did you try to murder me and hurt me when i told you to stop? why can’t we just be son and father?

you told me our president is the new prophet. we bonded a lot over our faith in christianity. but do you still believe that after all he’s done? im beginning to fall out of my faith, since i think it really has a impact on me. do you still believe that if im not christian then I shouldn’t be alive?

i wish you could just tell me you love me (not like that), and hug me (without suffocating me), and tell me you’re proud of me (without treating me as a trophy)

i don’t miss you, but i mourn you as if you were dead. i hope one day we can be friends, but i know you’re reaching the end of your life, and i don’t think i can forgive you anytime soon. still, i hope you’re doing well dad. I love you

My ex and I broke up about 2.5 months ago. For context, He is from another country, but we were together in person and lived together for a period of time before he eventually had to move back to his home country. After that, we continued the relationship long-distance.

After the breakup, we were still talking regularly and things felt a bit up in the air. It wasn’t a clean break, and there was a sense that maybe we could work things out in the future.

Then about a month ago, we had a huge fight. He blocked me on WhatsApp, and we completely stopped talking. We haven’t spoken at all for an entire month.

Yesterday, I received a package from him out of nowhere. He lives overseas, and the package contained a bunch of my favorite snacks. He had gone out, bought all my favorite things, and shipped them over 10,000 miles away. From the shipping date, it looks like he sent it about three weeks after we had already stopped talking.

Naturally, I was confused. I messaged him on instagram and asked if he had sent it. He confirmed that he had. I then asked why he sent it, and he never responded. I messaged again, and still no response.

One detail that adds to my confusion is that I know he did something similar with a previous ex. He sent her a package of her favorite things after their relationship ended. The difference is that they were still on good terms and still talking at the time. In our case, we had not spoken for a month and had ended things on very bad terms.

To make matters worse, I was actually sick when the package arrived. I had to go pick it up from the post office while dealing with nausea and vomiting because I thought it was something else I had ordered. So the whole thing ended up being stressful and emotionally upsetting.

This is what is so confusing to me. He sent something so personal and meaningful, knowing it would get my attention, and then refused to explain it when I asked about it directly.

Part of me feels like this was inconsiderate and selfish. It feels like maybe he did it for his own closure, to ease his guilt, or to make himself feel better, while leaving me confused and emotionally affected by it.

Another part of me wonders if I’m being unfair and reading too much into it.

At this point, I’m torn between:

1. ⁠Sending a message telling him that I think this was unfair and confusing.
2. ⁠Blocking him and moving on.
3. ⁠Doing nothing and leaving the door open.

What would you make of this situation? And what do you think is the best thing to do?

Thank you for your advice 💗

TL;DR: My ex and I broke up 2.5 months ago. We kept talking afterward until a big fight a month ago, after which he blocked me and we stopped speaking. Yesterday, I received a package from him filled with my favorite snacks that he had shipped from overseas about three weeks after we stopped talking. He confirmed he sent it, but refused to explain why or respond further . I’m confused because it feels like a very personal and meaningful gesture, yet he won’t communicate. What should I do?

I (28F) really need some direction/advice and I haven’t talked to anyone who really knows what to say about my situation.

It’s been almost 4 months since my husband (29M) was fired from his job. He is (was?) a senior software engineer with just over a decade of experience. He was fired due to non-compliance with RTO policy. He has severe ADHD but is medicated, and I would venture to guess that this rebellion was due to PDA or Pathological Demand Avoidance. Not an excuse, but definitely a potential reason. He has job searched relentlessly since he was fired, and has had a decent amount of interviews but cannot seem to convert them into offers.

A little background about me (I promise it’s relevant):
I was raised in a very low-income household by a single mom. I grew up mainly in this home, with my two younger sisters. I am the classic eldest daughter. I can remember being as young as 4 years old, climbing up and scaling the cupboards for dry cereal as my infant sister cried from hunger as I searched desperately for something to feed her. Our mom worked a lot and left us with whoever would take us for free or cheap. So we were neglected or even actively abused often. I was definitely the protector for my siblings and had to grow up quite quickly. I have memories of doing “kid things” here and there, but I spent a lot of time managing other children and even the other adults in my home, being worried about finances, being hyper-vigilant etc.. I grew up in the kind of house where you boiled water if you wanted to take a hot bath, or you could come home and not know if the lights were going to be turned off because my mom couldn’t pay the bill.

At 18, I left the chaos that was my childhood home and started to carve a life out for myself that was starting to look really wonderful. For the first time, I was really able to imagine a life that was vastly different than the only one I had experienced so far. I enrolled in college, started therapy to deal with my trauma, got on-campus housing, got a stable job (plus side hustles) that paid me well enough to not be worried about bills/food. I really liked my life at this time. I met my husband in 2020, by this time I had moved into an apartment with my best friend and was doing really well. It was Covid and I was trying to navigate online school with finding out I was losing my job. I was also sexually assaulted earlier that year, so this informed my decision to take another break from school.

I got pregnant very quickly after getting married and my husband and I decided a few weeks into the pregnancy that I would stay home, and pick school back up once I felt like I had the hang of becoming a parent. So right after our child turned two, I was ready to go back. My birth was extremely traumatic and I almost died from postpartum preeclampsia due to medical racism. It took me so long to feel connected to my own body again. I felt like I was finally coming back to myself. I had established a good rhythm—I had hobbies; yoga, pole dancing etc.. I also volunteer with several local organizations whose missions I am SO passionate about. Hanging with friends regularly and being able to participate in all of the festivities of going out for birthdays, graduations etc..

Now fast-forward, it’s been nearly 4 months of working and being the primary parent. I also had to quit school (for now or forever I’m not sure) It’s summer break so I need jobs I can bring my child to. I clean a local Airbnb as well as doing some very part-time paid remote work for one of the organizations I volunteer with. I am so burnt out. I am with my child ALL of the time. I’m so damn tired. My husband is working an entry level job in the tech field and it’s less than half of what he was making. We pulled our 401k and have a small cushion in savings that will last us about a year more combined with what we’re making, we’re still pulling from savings every month just to cover the basics. This is without spending a penny on anything else except bills/food btw. I’m still so angry and disappointed, and I literally cannot keep operating like this. I still do a majority of the housework too. It’s not sustainable. My friends don’t ask me to hangout because I don’t have the disposable income to do things anymore. When I’m not working with my child present I’m trying to figure out free things to do with him, but I can only go to the park and library so many times 😅 Any and all advice is welcome. Maybe I’m just shouting into the void. I’m not sure. I’m no contact with my parents because they’re abusive, so I don’t really have folks to go to for wisdom/advice. Every days feels like a fog I can’t hear or see anything in. Im feeling my way through every step blindly, and it’s terrifying. I avoid looking in the mirror because I don’t recognize myself. I’m in this black hole with no end in sight. I wanted so much more for my family, myself and most of all my child. I would have never brought a child into my marriage if I had thought we wouldn’t be able to provide a wonderful life for them filled with opportunity and resources. I feel like I have repeated the cycle of financial hardship for my child that I grew up within and I feel so much guilt and shame. When savings runs out we are going to have to live with a family member and then figure something else out I guess. The grief I feel is immeasurable.

Dad’s I took a pregnancy test and the line immediately showed, I didn’t have to wait x amount of minutes. I was told it would be extremely difficult to conceive because I have endometriosis and have had issues with lady parts before. I’m calling my doctor to have bloodwork to confirm it. I’m bipolar II and terrified..

I knew this bit of information when I was 17 and I’m 33, 34 in September.

What the fuck do I do?
I’m terrified. I want kids, I just moved to Germany with my husband and he’s going back to school in August.
I’m scared.. how do I even tell my mom?

I’d love some advice and just.. comfort.

Hi dad, Honestly at home my dad and I aren’t close at all and hasn’t been emotionally safe since I was little. And my mom gets into her tantrums and sassiness that makes me feel emotionally unsafe. I feel like I don’t have a support system and I’m really craving one. I’m 18F and I genuinely can’t wait to go to college but until then, I feel like I need a dad for a minute someone who doesn’t just get mad at the smallest things or is nice and then switches up and treats you like they hate you the next. Like I just want to talk about my mental health without feeling dismissed or ostracized. I just need that soft pad that I can just go to when things are a bit much.

Hi, I’m a 26F who is really having a hard time right now, with literally everything.

For context, I am currently as No Contact as I can be with my dad (I have to deal with him minimally because I still talk to my mom).

I recently moved to FL. Like, three weeks ago. I made this decision months ago, and have been working hard to make it happen because I wanted change in my life. I wasn’t happy and was stagnant. When I told my dad that I decided to move states, he absolutely blew up. He said some of the cruelest things to me, and called me stupid, incompetent, and a plethora of other very mean things, and even bad mouthed the two friends I have. This whole situation sent me into a two-week existential crisis, where I literally questioned my entire existence. I came out of that crisis and felt like I was doing the right thing for me, so I went through with the move.

I’m now three weeks in. I officially stopped communicating directly with him about a week and a half ago (before Father’s Day), because I would call home and just update them on things, and he continued to speak to me like shit and call me names.

Here’s the main thing: he is a financial abuser (context: he has my mom mostly trapped). He literally treats money like it’s the only thing that makes anyone worthwhile. Don’t have money? You’re not a competent person to him. He has always taught me money, and would always make me feel like I’m not good enough if I don’t have any. This has been since elementary school.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for with this post. My dad has never really been nice to me, or emotionally available. He’s struggled with alcohol for a VERY long time, getting worse gradually. He refuses to seek help for mental health (depression).

What’s it like to have a dad that actually gives a shit? Who doesn’t verbally and emotionally throw you to the ground?

Thank you for your time. I’m trying so hard, and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I’m happy to elaborate on things if needed for clarification or context.

They said they would clean it up.

The AC was also kind of pretty loud and questionable. They said they would be looking at it before me moving in.

Would it be reasonable to ask to see the apartment after everything is cleaned up before committing?

This is my first time ever moving out so I don’t know what to expect or ask for

I was diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder stemming from the deaths of my brother as well as my best friend growing up, and I guess that makes sense. Ever since they died, everything after has just felt like an epilogue that just keeps going on and on forever, and I have 50 more years of this.

I am high functioning. I have a Bachelor's and getting my second one. I smile and talk to people, and I hope to marry and have kids one day because that's what you're supposed to do. But I don't feel really attached or experience joy about any of it. None of it matters to me, not really. But my life really ended when I was 12. I'm 24 now and things haven't changed in how I see things. I just keep going because I have to, because what other choice is there. I do sabotage celebrations meant for me, like skipping my graduation and evading any congratulations because it just reminds me that the people I really care about have been dead most of my life, and here I am standing in a room with people I don't care about doing something I don't care about, that I am supposed to care about.

I guess I feel more resigned than anything. I'll keep smiling for people but I just don't care about any of this.

I 28M and my now ex fiancé 25F stay at home mom are splitting up after approx 3 years. We have a 15 month old. I have suffered with PTSD( Covid worker/watched family members die in front of me/been physically abused) , depression,anxiety , and my ex has depression/post partum . There is NO verbal or physical abuse or cheating in this relationship . She came to me last week and stated she could not do this anymore and ZERO reconciliation can happen now. She states she only wants to talk about our child/movingon. No couples therapy, no counseling, no break a part. I developed a SEVERE gambling addiction 9 months ago and it took a huge toll ( lies, debt,etc.) and she stated that as long as I was getting help she would work on things. I have been going to GA, therapy, not gambling, and pouring more into our family but now she states that it’s too late. She states she feels drained. She doesn’t have the energy for us anymore. This destroyed me because I love her, and I love our son. Ultimately I respect her choice, even though I’d do anything to get my family back.

She still wishes to nest co- parent in the same house until she can get a job, I’ve been working INSANE 12 hour night shifts for like 8 days in a row trying to get out of debt. I bought us a house, bought her her own car and still pay for everything. She does not cook or clean or pour into working on herself. I bought her a gym membership and told her that i want us to get mentally well and that i don’t want to pressure her, but i need a plan and deadlines for when she can leave.

I am destroyed. I told her i take accountability for not being the partner/spouse and Dad i should be. I came clean about everything when this happened months ago. She’s states she doesn’t want court involvement but wants to leave and take our son and have him primarily sleep with her. And i visit whenever I can. She has mentioned “ i don’t know what God has planned” whenever I talk about working on us but she states she can’t do it now.

Question;
how do i keep my sanity, cure and rebuild myself, and also be fair towards her and helping all of us?

How can i make sure i have a good relationship with my son?

And i feel hopeless, how do you deal with this level of doom and grief ?

Is there anyway that if i can get my shit together and man up, that i can have my family back?

And if not does this ever get better?

I'd like to give a little background on me, not to excuse my mistake, but to shed light on how I
got to where I am. In 2017 my father passed. Two months later the Tubbs fire erupted. My first
instinct as a bus operator was to get to work and figure out where I was needed. My directive
that morning was to head to Sutter Hospital and await further instruction. Upon arriving, my bus
was loaded with patients. I was not told where to take them, I instinctively drove them to the
Vets Center. I did two more trips that morning, all the while driving around my neighborhood
knowing my house was lost to the fire. I was offered EAP and I declined. In 2018 I worked the
fires in North County, and in 2019 I worked the West County fires. That same year I worked the
2019 West County floods. Not long after that my mother passed. Again, I was offered EAP and
I politely declined. Not long after both of my grandparents passed, I was very close to them as they had
helped raise me. Most recently my brother, who I was very close to, passed. Last August, my
wife and I, who have been together for ten years, separated. Again, and again, I was offered
assistance and I decline

I’m lost.

Hey dad.. i have a bad eating disorder. One that convinces me food is out to kill me and everyone is watching me eat.
In the worst of my episodes i’d go days at a time without so much as a bite of food.
I tried so hard dad. I promise but after 7 months the longest i’ve gone yet i’ve relapsed. I hate it but its been expected. Lately its been so much harder to force myself to eat and i’ve been surrounded by triggers. Yet i tried. I promise dad i tried. I ignored the thoughts and kept eating whatever i could. Today i felt the paranoia creeping in while eating a meal. So i tried doing as im supposed to and redirecting. I abandoned that meal and made a sandwich. But i couldnt eat that either. Even with a simpler meal my brain convinced me it was dangerous. I ate as much as i could i promise but i started getting a panic attack and.. i just couldnt dad. Im sorry.. i wish i wasnt this way. I wish my brain didn’t see normal food as dangerous. Im sorry.

Even if it's fake or forced, please tell me you're proud of me. Long story short, I got into shit with my dad but I finally stood up for myself!! It was so scary, but I pushed through even thought he had hit me. This is a really big deal not just for me, but for my brother as well. We usually don't, and can't, pull stunts like these since it's frowned upon in our culture.

This came as a surprise since he has never slapped me before, let alone hurt my face, and I never thought he would do that until today. He's hurt me in the past such as slapping my hand or using a belt, but never this.

Is it weird that I felt...thrilled? After all those years, for once, I stood up for myself. And now I'll do it over and over again till I'm out of this house.

I can’t get along with my father. My mother. My family relations are disturbed.
My friends are nonexistent. I have no one.
And my career isn’t even starting.
I applied to colleges. Still missed. Didn’t get the results i was expecting even in the previous college I had. Even after trying.
I desperately want education but it seems like it doesn’t want me.
What do i do?
I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
Last year i tried to do the worst. I’m tired of living like this.
I’m truly in need of help. Please give me some advice.

Hey Dads,

After a few sessions now, I think I’ve finally adapted to feeling comfortable with the class I’ve been teaching being recorded. (yay!) I’ve definitely messed up a bit but I’ve caught myself and fixed it most of the time. Also I don’t need to be perfect either so it’s okay with me.

What I noticed when rewatching my recordings is I tend to use a lot of filler words when I’m thinking about what I want to say. I know it’s pretty common so I don’t feel that bad but I’d like to reduce the frequency of it. Even if it’s just a little bit, I’d be happy with the change. I’m not looking for perfection, just a little gradual change when I revisit my recordings. I want to improve for myself mostly.

Any advice on this? 🙂

I finally got the courage to talk to a family member about the scary things I've experienced both at home and outside. I'm a minor. I love my parents, but they can be unpleasant when angry. I got choked once and I still flinch whenever someone comes near my throat. I told him and he said, "I get it... But, the world is a harsh place."

He did hug me though.

But still... It wasn't nice to hear that.

I still feel invalidated.

The things are pretty rough, so I can't go telling my friends. I'm not someone to trauma-dump on peers. I'm so exhausted. Stray Kids has helped me through this countless times. But sometimes, I just want my mom to hug me and apologise for all the hurt she's caused me.