u/phd_failure

It can be anything, small or significant.

It’s kinda ironic considering it’s what I study lol but regarding life it makes me anxious.

So anyway, I would appreciate any advice on this. Things that worked for you and helped you feel more at peace with it. Because life is full of uncertainty. Thank you!

I know I shouldn’t compare to others because we all have different life trajectories and circumstances. But it’s hard to see others at this stage rising up in their career paths, settling down in houses and growing families with a really amazing supportive partner. I’m happy for them of course but I’m just sad for myself mostly.

I thought I’d at least be a stellar academic but I just have a few years of academic work and some crappy failed research projects. So that dream is dead. Navigating several unexpected chronic physical and mental health issues that just drained my energy each day. Watching family members I cared about pass away.

And then also navigating toxic family dynamics and establishing boundaries to protect my own well being. But then now confused again because they’re recently going through some health concerns, and I still care about them despite everything.

People say that your 20s are supposed to be the best parts of your life, but idk. They weren’t all that great for me. I’ve definitely had patches of fun memorable experiences here and there and some really solid friendships. Worked really hard through years of therapy to build tools to help me develop resilience, gain insight, and process traumatic events. But I’ve been through a lot as well.

I like to imagine that I did the best I could in my situation and I should be proud of where I am now. Maybe things will be better in the next decade.

I don’t know how to write about this so it’s probably going to be all over the place.

I feel confused. sad. numb. empty. other feelings I don’t know how to describe.

There’s still a lot of unknowns out there, and the prognosis seems somewhat favorable.

It’s confusing to parse my feelings about this. We didn’t have a great relationship and I’ve been low to no contact in the past several years. But none of that seemed to matter right now.

I’m glad I reached out to her and connected again. We had a really good conversation which we didn’t have in a long time. She’s trying her best to stay positive throughout all this.

I woke up today feeling a sinking depression. But I need to be strong on my own end, for myself, for her. I’ve restarted my antidepressant. Hope they start working within a week.

That’s all I wanted to say.

Sorry if this is a weird question but I was hoping to get some perspective.

Sometimes I feel like I want to just disappear from my parents’ lives. I’m very low contact now, and it’s been peaceful and beneficial for my mental well being.

Up until now I’ve been subjected to obligation and guilt tripping, so our relationship doesn’t feel natural.

I think I feel conflicted because taking care of parents feels like a societal expectation. However, I don’t feel like I’m in a good state right to do so and I also want to protect my own well being.

I also know they have other people they can reach out to so they’ll be okay if anything happens. And I know that this is what is best for me but a part of me can’t help but feel..guilty? Even though I shouldn’t have to, I think, and it’s probably just a conditioned feeling from years of guilt tripping.

Edit: I mean physically taking care of them not financially. Sorry for the confusion!

Hey Dads,

After a few sessions now, I think I’ve finally adapted to feeling comfortable with the class I’ve been teaching being recorded. (yay!) I’ve definitely messed up a bit but I’ve caught myself and fixed it most of the time. Also I don’t need to be perfect either so it’s okay with me.

What I noticed when rewatching my recordings is I tend to use a lot of filler words when I’m thinking about what I want to say. I know it’s pretty common so I don’t feel that bad but I’d like to reduce the frequency of it. Even if it’s just a little bit, I’d be happy with the change. I’m not looking for perfection, just a little gradual change when I revisit my recordings. I want to improve for myself mostly.

Any advice on this? 🙂

follow up to my initial post

I had a conversation with the professor and department. It was uncomfortable 😬 but it needed to happen. Somehow they agreed to change it which I am of course very grateful for.

Been stressed and depressed about this for days (my anxietyyy omg) but now I can finally relax a little. And I’ll definitely be more careful in the future to prevent something arbitrary like this from happening.

I feel really sad and stressed right now.

For context, I’m in grad school and I’ve pretty much completed course requirements. To be eligible for academic work like teaching, you have to be “full time”. Which basically means enrollment in a filler research pass/fail “class” with your advisor to meet this requirement. Most students do this at this stage to meet full time requirements.

Earlier this year my advisor and I decided we weren’t a good fit so I’d look for someone else after the term ended. But the problem is that I was already enrolled in his “class” at that point. It’s ultimately his decision…I guess, as to whether he’d give me a pass or a fail. It’s a subjective and undefined criterion - there’s no assignments/rubric as in a traditional class.

But having received multiple passes for the same class with him in the past, and not underperforming relative to previous terms, I figured the kind/decent thing to do would just give me a pass during this transitional phase given that I was already enrolled at the time. I wouldn’t work with him in the future or sign up for his class.

So I just felt really shocked and hurt that I received an F instead. There’s this huge red flag on my transcript now that I’m worried about having to explain/justify to future employers whether it’s in industry or academia. I can try to see if he’d be willing to change it but it’s ultimately his decision.

I feel really stressed and depressed currently. I feel like I honestly did the best I could in my situation. And I’m hoping this isn’t nearly as bad as I think it is.

So anyway, well….I’m hoping for kind and supportive comments above all here. Because I feel bad enough already as is.

Thanks.

Hi,

I’m new to this subreddit. I hope this is okay to post this here.

As you know academic positions like TAing require full time enrollment to be eligible. Lots of students take “filler credits” to make up for this. Because we’re all basically done with course requirements.

A former advisor who has in the past given me a P for credit recently gave me an F for the same course. Note that I was already enrolled in this course with him by the time we had agreed I’d find another advisor.

I figured at least the kind thing to do would be to just give me a pass for this term during this transitional phase as it’s not like I’d enroll in research credits with him in the future.

But no I have an F on my transcript now and I’m really upset at how it might impact my employment opportunities. I think I’ve decided I’ll focus on industry and not continue to climb the academic ladder. But I also don’t want this to harm my opportunities for teaching/lecturer positions.

Is this something that I should be concerned about or is it not as serious?

So, I think after a few years of teaching (TA), I feel pretty comfortable with it overall at my university. However I recently found out that I have to record my sessions for my upcoming class (starting soon!) and it’s a first for me 😬.

I’ve done a few Zoom recordings before and I’ve hated it 😞. I hate the sound of my own voice for one (which I’ve accepted when teaching and listening to it over a mic) but recordings somehow sound different lol.

Furthermore I feel like…more stiff knowing that it’ll be recorded. Almost like I’m making youtube videos or livestreams or something (which I could never imagine doing) and I feel like I have to be perfect and not make mistakes. I feel pretty comfortable with the material (I’ve taught it several times before) so I hope that helps a bit.

I’m also hoping to see the positives in this. Like…teaching (classes of 30-40) really helped me make a lot of progress regarding my anxiety over public speaking/presentations (which is apparently pretty common in society). I still don’t like it but it feels less intimidating than a few years back. I’m hoping this experience can similarly help if I ever have to give a talk or be part of a podcast or something lol 😅

Otherwise, any advice Dads? 🙏

I don’t really want to get into specifics as it’s a little personal. But I’ve been working so hard in therapy (as well as medication) to address this for years.

I think I’ve recovered a bit from feeling shaken up by the triggering incident. But I feel so disappointed. Like…it feels like I regressed so much and the progress I made to learn coping skills was just wasted. I just completely panicked during the incident and in the back of my mind I rationally knew I could try the coping skills I acquired. But I just felt overwhelmed emotionally and my mind was just racing.

I don’t know how many people here can relate to it but either way I’d really appreciate some emotional support. Because this experience is stressful enough already and I guess I’d feel better like knowing I’m not alone in this..

She’s the only person in my family that’s ever been kind and supportive to me. And I felt like we could talk openly and honestly about anything.

But recently, in the past few years, I feel like we’ve grown distant. I know she’s probably busy juggling multiple responsibilities as a recent mom in addition to a full time job. And I feel like I’ve tried to give her some space but she’s reduced the frequency of talking to me from weeks…to months. Now I might only hear from her a few times a year, if at all.

I wonder where I went wrong in this and I’ve asked her but she’s always just denied it and said she was simply busy. But I feel like if you value someone enough in your life you’d make time for them. Or at least communicate transparently about your genuine feelings, right?

I’m happy for her that she’s found a family and life of her own given how dysfunctional ours has been. But I’m also sad that we’re drifting apart. Oh well I guess I should focus on my own life and people that are willing to reciprocate the same energy I extend to them. And maybe I don’t need to hold onto a sense of guilt or spend much mental energy contemplating this either.

That’s all I wanted to say. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your weekend!