u/Old-Theory-4667

Hi, I rarely post but this past week, I’ve gone through so much and I don’t know where else to talk about it than here.

Quick backstory:
My biological parents are both registered sex offenders and I was raised by my aunt and uncle from the time I was 4 years old until I turned 17 and I moved out.

Growing up, I’d heard so many different stories about their case from so many different people over the years and I’ve never wanted to accept or believe that they did it, up until about a year ago.

I wasn’t allowed to be around my father until I was 16 and my mother was locked up until this past October. My father is your stereotypical pedophile. He’s very charming and has never taken any accountability for his actions and blamed my mom for the entire thing and I believed him. He has our whole family wrapped around his finger, including me, until April of 2024.

Our family dog had cushing’s disease and we had to have her put down and that night my dad drank an entire bottle of whiskey and got extremely intoxicated. Everyone else had gone to bed, so it was just my father and I in the garage.

Things had started out normal until he started going into another lecture about my (now ex) partner, saying how he didn’t deserve me and it only got worse from there. He got this really scary look in his eyes that still haunts me to this day, and he started rubbing my shoulders, talking about how relationships are only about how you can please your partner and how they can please you and that he bet I had never experienced it before and that he would show me. I got really scared and told him that I was tired and that I needed to get to bed and I went inside.

The next morning, he acted like nothing happened and I don’t know if he even remembers it but I can’t get the way he looked at me or what he said out of my head and since then I’ve gone no contact.

Now on to what is currently going on.

My mother had been trying to form a bond with me after she got out and at first I had firm boundaries and was skeptical of being around her but over time I actually believed she had changed. But her actions leading up to what I discovered changed my whole aspect.

My partner and I threw a cookout to celebrate our new apartment and at first everything was perfect. My partner had been outside on the balcony talking to my mom while they grilled and our future got brought up. Specifically our wedding plans (we’ve been together almost 2 years and we’re starting to talk about marriage).

We had both agreed that neither my mother nor my father were welcome at the wedding, due to the nature of their charges, and because the victims would be at our wedding. (Their victims were my cousins.) Not to mention there would be kids there and we weren’t going to put the children anywhere near them.

Well, he had told my mother that and she threw a huge fit and stormed out to her car and caused a scene in the parking lot. She had also been pissing me off this past month because she would call me at the most random times, show up at my apartment when I was asleep, constantly share only negative things going on in her life, and she had been lying to me about several things including trying to persuade me into putting things that she wanted in my name such as a washer.

These events led me to ranting to my sister about it and she told me that she didn’t understand why I wanted anything to do with our mom because she raped me when I was 2 years old.

At first, I didn’t believe her until I reached out to family I hadn’t spoken to in years and they confirmed it. This happened last week and I feel like my entire world has stopped. I feel so betrayed, scared, hurt and just downright numb. Like I can’t believe that she would do that to me but at the same time it’s so obvious and I feel so stupid for even letting her close in the first place.

I’m 20 years old and I grew up with the most traumatizing experiences that I desperately wish I could erase from my brain but no matter what I do, it haunts me. I don’t understand why I have such bad luck or why I attract the people that I do. As a child, I was molested 4 times. One of my rapists, sexually abused and groomed me from when I was 7 all the way until I turned 15. It didn’t stop until my guardian found out but she took his side because her was her son.

When my parents both came back into my life, they made it seem like my own special paradise every time we visited. They’d take me to fun places every weekend, buy me a bunch of gifts, and hit all the right spots that left me desperate for their attention. All I wanted was to feel the love of my mother and father and to escape my home life and its what made me believe them and forgive their pasts.

I had been so happy to finally feel like I had family that cared about me and loved me that I looked at them through rose colored glasses and just ignored what everyone had said in the past.

And now after finally asking questions, and doing research into their cases, I feel like a disgusting person for even tolerating being near such monsters.

I know this post is all over the place and I’m sorry but so is my mental state right now. For the past week, I haven’t been able to eat, I’ve been staying up every night until 11am-12pm and only sleeping till 3:30ish and no matter how hard I try, I can’t sleep. As I’m typing this out, I’ve been awake for nearly 36 hours.

What can I do to get through this?