u/sintolivethisgood

TW: Domestic violence

I don’t really know what I want from posting this. I think I just need to put the whole thing somewhere outside of my own head.

I’m in my mid-30s and only now have I started using the word abuse for what happened to me.

My father slapped me, kicked me, threatened me and broke my finger. When I was 18, he hit me in the face so badly that my eye ruptured and I ended up in hospital. There were other incidents too. Anger could appear very quickly and I learned to watch his mood, his face, his tone of voice. But somehow, for years, I still didn’t think of myself as someone who had experienced domestic violence.

It was always described as conflict. Discipline. Me provoking him. Me being difficult teenager. Individual incidents that I should stop dragging into the present.
And because there were normal moments between them, because he wasn’t violent every single day, because I grew up, got educated, built a career and became a functional adult, I kept treating it like something that didn’t quite count.

I could say, “My father broke my finger,” and still somehow avoid saying, “My father abused me.”
I think part of me believed that abuse was something that happened in other families. It had to be constant, calculated and obvious. The victim had to be completely helpless and the abuser had to be a monster all the time.

My mother was not present. She called me once a week or took me shopping once in a while.

I think after all of this I developed massive inferiority complex. It’s not visible when you meet me. But it’s deeply rooted in me, visible when things get challenging in my life (break ups, work challenges, etc)

I can’t hate them but I hate them both. It’s kind of complicated feeling.

Anyone else hates them but not completely? Didn’t admit it for so long?

Tell me your stories. It might help me feel less lonely in this. 🖤

Hi,

I just wanted to share how I'm feeling and maybe find out if anyone else has experienced something similar.
This will be my first baby, and I have a planned C-section scheduled for Monday. I have such mixed emotions about knowing exactly when my child will be born. It's almost like I can see the precise line where my entire life is about to change.
I keep finding myself crying, even though I'm excited to meet my baby. That excitement is somehow mixed with a strange sense of saying goodbye to my old life. It's not that I don't want my baby or that I'm not looking forward to becoming a mom—it just feels like I'm standing at the end of one chapter and about to step into a completely different one.
I don't know if that makes sense, but it feels very surreal to know so precisely when everything is going to change.
Has anyone else felt this way before a planned C-section or before giving birth?
❤️ Thanks for reading

I just need to get things off my chest. I am almost 34 weeks pregnant and I hate my life now. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Before I got pregnant (unplanned) I was very active. Gym, sports, yoga, my career, traveling…all of these were my life. My coping mechanisms. Occasionally drink with friends with one/two cigarettes was what I liked once in a while. Now I don’t look like myself anymore. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I gained unreal amount of weight (30+ kg) and I hate my body. I think I haven’t looked in the mirror for good 3-4 months because I just can’t stand what I see. And I wasn’t particularly skinny before

The last 10 days have been especially bad. I cry most days, I don’t want to get out of bed, and I don’t feel like talking to anyone. My partner is worried and keeps asking what’s wrong, but when I try to explain, he just says things like “you can do it” or “it’s temporary.” I know he means well, but it makes me feel even more alone, like he doesn’t really understand how bad this feels.

Honestly, my thoughts have been getting pretty dark, and that scares me. I can’t even connect to the part of me that used to feel excited about having a baby.