u/Many_Dentist5536

I used to be a severely anxious attachment person, and I still am but I’ve done some healing work the past few years and I’m finally dating someone after being single.

I’m starting to wonder about the signs of emotional unavailability or avoidance attachment or whether I am being hypervigilant?

I’ve definitely noticed in myself being triggered to overthinking about her, and was wondering if that’s a sign? My attraction to her is probably a sign too though.

For example, we have been on 4 dates, once a week and she doesn’t text anything between dates other than to set them up. Is this normal cause it’s too early?

Also, I have been the one planning and choosing things to do. I’ve been told as a man that it’s “expected”, but am i doing too much here?

Some other things I’ve noticed is that she talks about always wanting to be busy with something. And another is that she has many pets, and I’ve heard the theory that having pets is a sign?

When these come up too, should I talk about them? Or is it too early to in dating and should I move on?

It feels like from what I’ve read that if you had difficulties making friends/had none growing up, you miss out on shared experiences leading to becoming a loner for the majority of adulthood due to a lack of relatability or social skills.

Being a loner feels like I’m missing out on an integral part of life. Those small stories that everyone has that make them interesting.

I (22) am not too funny of a person, and quiet. My family is not close with each other and that is probably why. I hardly had friends in high school, didn’t make any friends in college, and despite my efforts of joining clubs and groups it feels like it’ll be this way for the rest of my life.

I have improved my social skills, but I still struggle immensely with having fun with friends and spending time with people.

Has anyone turned it around and how?

(22m) I am in therapy and have been since I was 18 and probably will be for the rest of my life.

I am still so ashamed of who I am and how much my parents failed me. I still feel like I have not lived life.

I have not had friends since high school, even then I did not know how to have reciprocal conversations with them. I picked up all the bad habits of my parents socially and I've had to unlearn all of them in college. Usually, when people are hanging out with friends or in college, I spent depressed, shut down, and anxious. I didn't know who I was and I'm so ashamed of how I didn't have an identity then like the other kids or about how socially off I was. I didn't have hobbies, interests, or opinions. I am so behind in life in other aspects too. I didn't like my major or college.

My life basically began at 18 and it feels like a gaping hole that I have to constantly fill.

Even outside of this, I am isolated culturally. My parents never did anything or took me anywhere. They never celebrated any holidays. They never brought over anyone. When people talk about family events, or friendships, or even about a normal family, I break inside.

I have tried to run away mentally on vacations but I can't.

I am ashamed I am that stereotypical, boring, socially awkward Asian who is a shell of a person. I feel like I am pretending every day of my life and I'm so behind on life. I was the outsider back then and am now.

No one really has any idea about the extent and permanence of my issues and I can't stop crying and feeling so broken about my life.

I think one thing that I feel sad about is how quiet I am and how much trouble I have talking.

I was usually ignored, but my parents got very violent and angry if I offended them, which was pretty often as a kid.

I feel baffled listening and interacting with people. I am jealous of how expressive and carefree they are. I feel I live in my head always wandering and always watching myself for saying the wrong thing and to watch others disapproval.

I have a dark sense of humor too, and have a tendency to be very serious constantly, and I am unsure of how to change all this.

I think today I just feel a lot of grief of how broken I feel.

I just graduated college, and Ive recently realized that I never went on any trips and I’m feeling regret. Most of it was due to me not putting money aside or due to dealing with my mental health.

I am slightly resentful that my parents also rarely took me out of the state, and even if they did I don’t remember any trips from childhood.

Did anyone start traveling later? I feel like everyone I know has been to so many states and cities and countries that it feels like I’m trying to catch up.

They all seem to have cool stories, cultured, and knowledgeable, etc and I am embarrassed I barely have any.

I (22M) highly suspect I am on the spectrum. I do have ADHD. I have been told by many that possibly I am, and I get along best with others that are.

I think I am facing the possibility of not making friends if I don’t.

I am a serious person. I really like to watch comedy and I like to tell jokes, but I have to think about the joke. I cannot do it on the fly like others do. I cannot banter like other guys do.

Socializing has never been natural for me, as I never had many friends or fit in much growing up. I had a few friends, but still I felt out of place. Recently, for example, I signed up for a sports league because I was a bit lonely, but even socializing in that is very hard. I don't know how others joke around and small talk so easily. I have to think about stories I want to tell for a long time. I have a hard time sharing anything about my personal life that is not whatever fixated interest I have. I have to physically remember to ask questions, comment, emote, etc.. My affect I know is stiff and flatter. I feel and am very awkward.

I used to work in food service as a waiter (I don't know how I lasted), so I know all the pleasantries and faux pauxs socially, and I've had lots of practice.

But I still don't know how to "shoot the shit with friends" that I hear listening to the most outgoing people sometimes and I'll wonder how they do it. I know everyone says socializing is a skill, but after all this time and practice I genuinely am starting to think I am not going to be able to change.

My version of that that I only know is sharing fun facts or interests (infodumping but I won't do it without asking permission).

Deep down I am miserable about how it is hard for me to connect with others. I don't even think about dating. Flirting is on another level. It depresses me to think that this might be my reality, always being different.

I stay up late, I spend my money and I have so much credit card debt. I have no friends and haven’t had any for years now. I barely eat or exercise and I depression everyday and I have so much screen time and porn. I get high every weekend and those days are just a blur. I have so much homework and work I’m so behind on all the time. I miss so many classes and fail exams. I don’t know how anyone does this. I don’t know how it comes naturally to other people.

I’m working through the workbook and I’m I can’t seem to do the imagining a loving parent exercise cause of my identity.

I am of a different minority race, but grew up in the US. I have issues with accepting my race because of all the ways the negative aspects of my culture was harmful to me growing up and all my family members were dysfunctional.

I also can’t imagine a loving parent figure cause I didn’t have any adults I looked up to growing up, let alone any of my race.

And I know some people use movie actors or artists, and there are lots I love, but they aren’t my race so it’s hard to imagine them as my parent. Along with my own internal negative bias, I don’t know any pop culturally significant figures of my race that I feel I could identify with.

Any advice? I can’t see myself as a parent too cause I feel so young

I (22) didn't have friends growing up due to bullying both from my parents and neglect and I think I am on the spectrum too. I grew up in a very quiet suburb where nothing happens. Basically I was chronically online and I really haven't had friends my whole life.

I hate how they didn't teach me anything or did anything and I feel constant shame around this today.

I'm fine with pop culture (a little too much tbh lol), it's more that I haven't done much with other people that I made so many social mistakes once in college because I was quiet and a loner in high school. There were so many things no one taught me too, like laundry, that I'm so embarrassed to admit. Or what tex-mex was.

After dropping in and out of college, working odd jobs, and solo traveling, I feel a little more knowledgeable about the world now.

But I feel so ashamed of all the social mistakes I made. And everyday I feel so insecure about the things I haven't experienced or don't know. I haven't been to many national parks and I got insecure about that or many states. Or the other day I was so insecure about the college trips a coworker got to do with his friends. I still have trouble socializing too and making friends. I can't see myself making friends some day. I can't imagine myself as not a loner. And I can't imagine someone who grew up with surrounded by family and friends, all the memories I missed out.

Anyone else who grew up this way overcome this and catch up?

I've posted here before. I don't know how to articulate all this, but this is the sub I (22M) most closely relate to.

I've been feeling lost, living alone for some time now, struggling with depression and anxiety and sadness about my past. I graduated college without making any friends. I spent all of college without any friends. I kept asking myself the entire time how it happened, and honestly I don't know.

I barely had friends in high school, and I went to such a preppy school that everyone was too busy studying. I feel like I didn't really have a childhood. I feel like life was wrung out of me.

I wasn't athletic. No one wanted to hangout with me and I didn't know how to talk to anyone or connect with anyone because my parents never taught me or tried to connect with me. Their version of connection was narcissistic rants or gossiping. My parents never really took me anywhere. On top of my parents sheltering me, they also were my bullies, hitting, yelling, criticizing me.

By 18, I had no sense of self or self expression, no true hobbies, no ability to socialize other than being silent, completely dissociated. Never dated too. I was riddled with depression, anxiety, and shame. I always hid in school, racked with shame. Shame about everything I did, said, and my existence. I was a shell of a human. I don't really talk to my parents now, and I don't think they really notice it either. They couldn't tell you what my favorite activity is. They wouldn't be able to tell you what my favorite band is either.

They picked my college. They picked my major. So college was a mess, the social mistakes, the isolation and loneliness, the lack of drive, dropping in and out.

I look back at me and I feel so sad about how hollowed out I was. Even after years of therapy, I still struggle with a sense of self. I can't even dress in clothes I like in private without feeling an incredible amount of shame. I am and always have been in awe by the ease of self-expression normal people seemed to exhibit, speaking so freely, being so freely, with purpose and vigor, even from a young age. My neighbor was like this and I was so jealous of him.

The worst part of it all is it just feels like once you're dealt a bad hand, there's no coming back from it. I numb out myself online for hours everyday, not because I want to, but because I have to. It just feels unfair. Normal people don't understand that if you're born fundamentally different, it's impossible to connect with others.

You can't just do the advice of go meetup with people on hobbies or etc, because I didn't have the same past as others. I didn't have friends. I didn't have that family in my life. Every time I talk to others, they have cool fun stories about their life and easily joke around. I struggle to even follow the conversation and feel like I'm trying to hide my insecurities all the time. I've spent so much time in depression online versus others who spent that time with friends, hobbies, family. I've lived such a hollow life. Years like this.

I don't even think about things others take for granted, like friends, and dating. It awes me that other people have others and function so easily in their life. I couldn't go outside today. I just felt so ashamed of myself. I can't even go to the grocery store cause I feel so ashamed that I'm alone, ashamed of my past. I'm so tired of feeling like the weirdo who always different and has something to hide. Wherever I go, I'm there alone, and I'm tired of it.

Young adulthood has been so hard because I was essentially raised by my tv and computer.

My parents never taught me anything or spent time with me, always either absent or drunk or working. No fun family gatherings just constant arguments or complaining or gossiping. They never took me to trips or to other states, and when they did, I was too dissociated to remember anything interesting in my childhood. They never took interest in my hobbies or signed me up for anything. They never taught me stuff like how to do laundry or basic cleaning or driving.

The hardest part is that I feel so different, so stupid, and that it was so hard to make friends with other people because of how much my parents didn’t do in my life. They never had friends and growing up, I was made fun of all the socially off behaviors my parents never taught not me to do from yelling to gossiping to telling horrible jokes to even not getting haircuts.

I felt so different and sheltered in college (went to a well off college) hearing about the normal family relationships, trips my classmates went, the sports and hobbies, even little things like all the different foods and restaurants they’ve been to and places they’ve been. It’s been so humiliating learning so much I didn’t know and being called out and finding out how I’m doing everything wrong constantly. I didn’t have hobbies and I didn’t know so many rules like I didn’t know that I was supposed to fully stop at a stop sign until I got pulled over. And it’s such an isolating feeling listening about my peers family dynamics. My parents basically don’t exist in my life and I don’t have a culture I belong anywhere to.

After graduating college, I finally now have the money to pursue hobbies, explore restaurants and finally travel to another state, but I feel so overwhelmed by how much of the world I was sheltered from and I’m so angry that my parents never did any of this with me.